• 


. 

' 

4  ;  • 


*f* 
-%'- 

'      -'4-' 

i  4\. 

'  .*- 


SKETCHES 


BY 


MARK    TWAIN. 


NOW  FiiteT  PUBLISHED  IN  COMPLETE  FORM. 


TORONTO  : 
BELFORDS,    CLAKKE    &   CO. 

MDCCCLXXIX. 


PBEFACE. 


I  have  scattered  through  this  volume  a  mass  of  matter  which 
has  never  been  in  print  before  (such  as  "  Learned  Fables  for 
Good  Old  Boys  and  Girls,"  the  "Jumping  Frog  restored  to 
the  English  tongue  after  martyrdom  in  the  French,"  tlu 
"  Membranous  Croup  "  sketch,  and  many  others  which  I  need 
not  specify) :  not  doing  this  in  order  to  make  an  advertisement 
of  it,  but  because  these  things  seciuoJ  instructive. 

MARK  TWAIN 
HAKTPOBD. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE. 

—  The  Eecent  French  Duel  .  .  .  .  .9 

—  The  Great  Revolution  in  Pitcairn       ....  23 

—  Story  of  the  Bad  Little  Boy         .  .  .  .  .40 

-  Story  of  the  Good  Little  Boy  .  .  .  .  .     .          45 

-  The  Experiences  of  the  McWilliamses  with  Membranous  Croup          .      52 

-  -  Some  Fables  for  Good  Old  Boys  and  Girls— Part  First  .  G2 

"  "  "  "  "          Part  Second       .  .      77 

"  "          Part  Third  .  86 

...  The  Jumping  Frog   ^  •--**-  .  .  .  .  .92 

^  My  Watch— An  Instructive  Little  Tale  .  .  .  110 

Political  Economy         .  .  .  .  ,  .    115 

Journalism  in  Tennessee      .....  124 

Two  Poems — By  Moore  and  Twain  ....    132 

,To  liaise  Poultry   ......  134 

^  My  First  Literary  Adventure      .  .  .  .  .138 

The  Facts  in  the  Case  of  the  Great  Beef  Contract          .  ',  142 

The  Facts  in  the  Case  of  George  Fisher,  Deceased  .  .  .    152 

/  The  Judge's  "  Spirited  Woman "        .  162 

The  Facts  Concerning  the  Late  Senatorial  Secretaryship       .  .    16."} 

Riley — Newspaper  Correspondent      .  .  .  .171 

Science  vs.  Luck  .  -.._.  ....     177 

;  The  Killing  of  Julius  Csesar  "  Localized "  .  .  181 

*  An  Item  which  the  Editor  himself  could  not  understand       .  .    186 


Vlll.  CONTENTS. 

A  Medieval  Eomance          »  . 

^    After-Dinner  Speech     .  .  . 

Lionising  Murderers  .  , 

A  New  Crime  .  .  . 

A  Curious  Dream  .  .  . 

Personal  Habits  of  the  Siamese  Twins 

Speech  at  the  Scottish  Banquet  at  London 

A  Ghost  Story 

Legend  of  the  Capitoline  Venus 
A  Speech  on  Accident  Insurance      .  . 

*  John  Chinaman  in  New  York 

How  I  once  Edited  an  Agricultui'al  Paper 

The  Petrified  Man 

/    My  Bloody  Massacre     .  .  . 

f  Concerning  Chambermaids  .  . 

About  Barbers  .  .  . 

y    History  Repeats  Itself 

First  Interview  with  Artemus  Ward          . 

A  Visit  to  Niagara  .  . 

Answers  to  Correspondents          . 


SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 


THE  RECENT  GREAT  FRENCH  DUEL, 


MUCH  as  the  modern  French  duel  is  ridiculed  by  certain 
smart  people,  it  is  in  reality  one  of  the  most  dangerous 
institutions  of  our  day.  Since  it  is  always  fought  in  the 
open  air,  the  combatants  are  nearly  sure  to  catch  cold.  M 
Paul  de  Cassagnac,  the  most  inveterate  of  the  French 
duellists,  has  suffered  so  often  in  this  way  that  he  is  at 
last  a  confirmed  invalid ;  and  the  best  physician  in  Paris 
has  expressed  the  opinion  that  if  he  goes  on  duelling  for 
fifteen  or  twenty  years  more, — unless  he  forms  the  habit  of 
fighting  in  a  comfortable  room  where  damps  and  draughts 
cannot  intrude — he  will  eventually  endanger  his  life.  This 
ought  to  moderate  the  talk  of  those  people  who  are  so 
stubborn  in  maintaining  that  the  French  duel  is  the  most 
health-giving  of  recreations  because  of  the  open  air  exer 
cise  it  affords.  And  it  ought  also  to  moderate  that  foolish 
talk  about  French  duellists  and  socialist-hated  monarchs 
being  the  only  people  who  are  immortal. 


10  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

But  ifc  is  time  to  get  at  my  subject.  As  soon  as  I  heard 
of  the  late  fiery  outbreak  between  M.  Gambetta  and  M. 
Fourtou  in  the  French  Assembly,  I  knew  that  trouble 
must  follow.  I  knew  it  because  a  long  personal  friend 
ship  with  M.  Gambetta  had  revealed  to  me  the  desperate 
and  implacable  nature  of  the  man.  Vast  as  are  his  physi 
cal  proportions,  I  knew  that  the  thirst  for  revenge  would 
penetrate  to  the  remotest  frontiers  of  his  person. 

I  did  not  wait  for  him  to  call  on  me,  but  went  at  once 
to  him.  As  I  expected,  I  found  the  brave  fellow  steeped 
in  a  profound  French  calm.  I  say  French  calm,  because 
French  calmness  and  English  calmness  have  points  of 
difference.  He  was  moving  swiftly  back  and  forth  among 
the  debris7  of  his  furniture,  now  and  then  staving  chance 
fragments  of  it  across  the  room  with  his  foot ;  grinding  a 
constant  grist  of  curses  through  his  set  teeth ;  and  halting 
every  little  while  to  deposit  another  handful  of  his  hair 
on  the  pile  which  he  had  been  building  of  it  on  the  table. 

He  threw  his  arms  around  my  neck,  bent  me  over  his 
stomach  to  his  breast,  kissed  me  on  both  cheeks,  hugged 
me  four  or  five  timesj  and  placed  me  in  his  own  arm-chair. 
As  soon  as  I  had  got  well  again,  we  began  business  at  once. 

I  said  I  supposed  he  would  wish  me  to  act  as  his  second, 
and  he  said,  "Of  course;"  I  said  I  must  be  allowed  to  act 
under  a  French  name,  so  that  I  might  be  shielded  from 
obloquy  in  my  country,  in  case  of  fatal  results.  He 
winced  here,  probably  at  the  suggestion  that  duelling  was 
not  regarded  with  respect  in  America.  However,  he 
agreed  to  my  requirement.  This  accounts  for  the  fact 


THE  RECENT   GREAT  FRENCH  DUEL,  >» 

'hat  in  all  the  newspaper  reports  M.  Gambetta's  second 
was  apparently  a  Frenchman. 

First,  we  drew  up  my  principal's  will.  I  insisted  upon 
this,  and  stuck  to  my  point.  I  said  I  had  never  heard  of 
a  man  in  his  right  mind  going  out  to  fight  a  duel  without 
first  making  his  will.  He  said  he  had  never  heard  of  a 
man  in  his  right  mind  doing  anything  of  the  kind.  When 
we  had  finished  the  will,  he  wished  to  proceed  to  a  choice 
of  his  "last  words."  He  wanted  to  know  how  the  fol 
lowing  words,  as  a  dying  exclamation,  struck  me: — 

"  I  die  for  my  God,  for  my  country,  for  freedom  of 
speech,  for  progress, and  the  universal  brotherhood  of  man!" 

I  objected  that  this  would  require  too  lingering  a  death ; 
it  was  a  good  speech  for  a  consumptive,  but  not  suited  to 
the  exigencies  of  the  field  of  honour.  We  wrangled  over 
a  good  many  ante-mortem  outbursts,  but  I  finally  got  him 
to  cut  his  obituary  down  to  this,  which  he  copied  into  his 
memorandum  book,  purposing  to  get  it  by  heart : — 

"I  DIE  THAT  FRANCE  MAY  LIVE." 

I  said  that  this  remark  seemed  to  lack  relevancy ;  but 
he  said  relevancy  was  a  matter  of  no  consequence  in  last 
words, — what  you  wanted  was  thrill. 

The  next  thing  in  order  was  the  choice  of  weapons 
My  principal  said  he  was  not  feeling  well,  and  would  leave 
that  and  the  other  details  of  the  proposed  meeting  tome. 
Therefore  I  wrote  the  following  notj  and  carried  it  to 
M.  Fourtou's  friend : — 

SIR:  M.  Gambctta  accepts  M.  Fourtou's  challenge,  and 
authorises  me  to  propose  ricssL-i-Pkjuet  as  the  place  o:'; 


12  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

meeting;  to-morrow  morning  at  day-break  as  the  time; 
and  axes  as  the  weapons.    I  am,  sir,  with  great  respect, 

MARK  TWAIN. 

M.  Fourtou's  friend  read  this  note  and  shuddered. 
Then  he  turned  to  me,  and  said,  with  a  suggestion  of  se 
verity  in  his  tone : — 

"Have  you  considered,  sir,  what  would  be  the  inevit 
able  result  of  such  a  meeting  as  this  ?" 

"Well,  for  instance,  what  would  it  be  ?" 

"Bloodshed!" 

"That's  about  the  size  of  it,"  I  said.  "Now,  if  it  is  a 
fair  question,  what  was  your  side  proposing  to  shed  ?" 

I  had  him,  there.  He  saw  he  had  made  a  blunder,  so 
he  hastened  to  explain  it  away.  He  said  he  had  spoken 
jestingly.  Then  he  added  that  he  and  his  principal  would 
enjoy  axes,  and  indeed  prefer  them,  but  such  weapons 
were  barred  by  the  French  code,  and  so  I  must  change 
my  proposal. 

I  walked  the  floor  turning  the  thing  over  in  my  mind, 
and  finally  it  occurred  to  me  that  Gatling  guns  at  fifteen 
paces  would  be  a  likely  way  to  get  a  verdict  on  tlie  field 
of  honour.  So  I  framed  this  idea  into  a  proposition. 

But  it  was  not  accepted.  The  code  was  in  the  way 
again.  I  proposed  rifles;  then,  double-barrelled  shot 
guns  ;  then,  Colt's  navy  revolvers.  These  being  all  re- 
jected,  I  reflected  a  while,  and  sarcastically  suggested 
brick-bats  at  three-quarters  of  a  mile.  I  always  hate  to 
fool  away  a  humorous  thing  on  a  person  who  has  no  per 
ception  of  humour;  and  it  filled  me  with  bitterness  whoa 


this  man  went  soberly  away  to  submit  the  last  proposition 
to  his  principal. 

He  came  back  presently,  and  said  his  principal  was  charm 
ed  with  the  idea  of  brick-bats  at  three-quarters  of  a  mile, 
but  must  decline  on  account  of  the  danger  to  disinterested 
parties,  passing  between.  Then  I  said, — 

"Well,  I  am  at  the  end  of  my  string,  now.  Perhaps 
2/oi6  would  be  good  enough  to  suggest  a  weapon  ?  Per 
haps  you  have  even  had  one  in  your  mind  all  the  time?" 

His  countenance  brightened,  and  he  said  with  alacrity, — 

"Oh,  without  doubt,  monsieur!" 

So  he  fell  to  hunting  in  his  pockets, — pocket  after 
pocket,  and  he  had  plenty  of  them, — muttering  all  the 
while,  "Now,  what  could  I  have  done  with  them?" 

At  last  he  was  successful.  He  fished  out  of  his  vest 
pocket  a  couple  of  little  things  which  I  carried  to  the  light 
and  discovered  to  be  pistols.  They  were  single-barrelled 
and  silver-mounted,  and  very  dainty  and  pretty.  I  was 
not  able  to  speak  for  emotion.  I  silently  hung  one  of 
them  on  my  watch-chain,  and  returned  the  other.  My 
companion  in  crime  now  unrolled  a  postage-stamp  con 
taining  several  cartridges,  and  gave  me  one  of  them.  I 
asked  if  he  meant  to  signify  by  this  that  our  men  were 
to  be  allowed  but  one  shot  apiece.  He  replied  that  the 
French  code  permitted  no  more.  I  then  begged  him  to  go 
on  and  suggest  a  distance,  for  my  mind  was  growing  weak 
and  confused  under  the  strain  which  had  been  put  upon 
it.  He  named  sixty-five  yards.  I  nearly  lost  my  patience. 
I  said.— 


lj  SKETCHES   LT   IIAIIK   TWAIN. 

"  Sixty-five  yards  with  these  instruments?  Pop -guns 
would  be  deadlier  at  fifty.  Consider,  my  friend,  you  and  I 
are  banded  together  to  destroy  life,  not  to  make  it  eternal." 

But  with  all  my  persuasions,  all  my  arguments,  I  was 
only  able  to  get  him  to  reduce  the  distance  to  thirty-five 
yards ;  and  even  this  concession  he  made  with  reluctance, 
and  said  with  a  sigh, — 

"I  wash  my  hands  of  this  slaughter;  on  your  head  be  it." 

There  was  nothing  for  me  but  to  go  home  to  my  old 
lion-heart  and  tell  my  humiliating  story.  When  I  enter 
ed,  M.  Gambetta  was  laying  his  last  lock  of  hair  upon  the 
altar.  He  sprang  towards  me,  exclaiming, — 

"You  have  made  the  fatal  arrangements, — I  see  it  in 
your  eye !" 

"I  have." 

His  face  paled  a  trifle,  and  he  leaned  upon  the  table  for 
support.  He  breathed  thick  and  heavily  for  a  moment  or 
two,  so  tumultuous  were  his  feelings ;  then  he  hoarsely 
whispered, — 

"The  weapon,  the  weapon!  Quick!  what  is  the  weapon?" 

"This!"  and  I  displayed  that  silver-mounted  thing. 
He  caught  but  one  glimpse  of  it,  then  swooned  ponder 
ously  to  the  floor. 

When  he  came  to,  he  said  mournfully, 

"The  unnatural  calm  to  which  I  have  subjected  myself 
has  told  upon  my  nerves.  But  away  with  weakness !  I 
will  confront  my  fate  like  a  man  and  a  Frenchman." 

He  rose  to  his  feet  and  assumed  an  attitude  which  for 
sublimity  has  never  been  approached  by  man,  and  has 


THE  RECENT  GREAT  FRENCH  DUEL.         15 

seldom  been  surpassed  by  statues.  Then  he  said,  in  his 
deep  bass  tones, — - 

"Behold,  I  am  calm,  I  am  ready;  reveal  to  me  the  dis 
tance." 

"Thirty-five  yards." 

I  could  not  lift  him  up,  of  course ;  but  I  rolled  him 
over,  and  poured  water  down  his  back.  He  presently 
came  too,  and  said, — 

"Thirty-five  yards, — without  a  rest?  But  why  ask? 
Since  murder  was  that  man's  intention,  why  should  he 
palter  with  small  details?  But  mark  you  one  thing:  in 
my  fall  the  world  shall  see  how  the  chivalry  of  France 
meets  death." 

After  a  long  silence  he  asked, — 

"Was  nothing  said  about  that  man's  family  standing  up 
with  him  as  an  offset  to  my  bulk  ?  But  no  matter ;  I 
would  not  stoop  to  make  such  a  suggestion ;  if  he  is  not 
noble  enough  to  suggest  it  himself,  he  is  welcome  to  this 
advantage,  which  no  honourable  man  would  take." 

He  now  sank  into  a  sort  of  stupor  of  reflection,  which 
lasted  some  minutes;  after  which  he  broke  silence  with, — 

"The  hour, — what  is  the  hour  fixed  for  the  collision  ?" 

"Dawn,  to-morrow." 

He  seemed  to  be  greatly  surprised,  and  immediately  said, 

"Insanity!  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing.  Nobody  h 
abroad  at  such  an  hour." 

"That  is  the  reason  I  named  it.  Do  you  mean  to  say 
you  want  an  audience  ?" 

"It  is  no  time  to  bandy  words.     I  am  astonished  that 


16  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

M.  Fourtou  should  ever  have  agreed  to  so  strange  an  in 
novation.  Go  at  once  and  require  a  later  hour." 

I  ran  down  stairs,  threw  open  the  front  door,  and  almost 
plunged  into  the  arms  of  M.  Fourtou's  second.  He  said, 

"I  have  the  honour  to  say  that  my  principal  strenuously 
objects  to  the  hour  chosen,  and  begs  .that  you  will  consent 
to  change  it  to  half -past  nine." 

"  Any  courtesy,  sir,  which  it  is  in  our  power  to  extend 
is  at  the  service  of  your  excellent  principal.  We  agree  to 
the  proposed  change  of  time." 

"  I  beg  you  to  accept  the  thanks  of  my  client."  Then 
he  turned  to  a  person  behind  him,  and  said,  "You  hear, 
M.  Noir,  the  hour  is  altered  to  half -past  nine."  Where 
upon  M.  Noir  bowed,  expressed  his  thanks,  and  went 
away.  My  accomplice  continued : — 

"If  agreeable  to  you,  your  chief  surgeons  and  ours 
shall  proceed  to  the  field  in  the  same  carriage,  as  is  cus 
tomary." 

"It  is  entirely  agreeable  to  me,  and  I  am  obliged  to  you 
for  mentioning  the  surgeons,  for  I  am  afraid  I  should  not 
have  thought  of  them.  How  many  shall  I  want  ?  I 
suppose  two  or  three  will  be  enough  ?" 

"Two  is  the  customary  number  for  each  party.  I  refer 
to  'chief  surgeons ;  but  considering  the  exalted  positions 
occupied  by  our  clients,  it  will  be  well  and  decorous  that 
each  of  us  appoint  several  consulting  surgeons,  from  among 
the  highest  in  the  profession.  These  will  come  in  their 
own  private  carriages.  Have  you  engaged  a  hearse  ?" 

"Bless  niy  stupidity,   I  never  thought  of  it!     I  will 


THE  RECENT  GUEAT  FRENCH  DUEL.         17 

attend  to  it  right  away.  I  must  seem  very  ignorant  to 
you ;  but  you  must  try  to  overlook  that,  because  I  have 
never  had  any  experience  of  such  a  swell  duel  as  this 
before.  I  have  had  a  good  deal  to  do  with  duels  on  the 
Pacific  coast,  but  I  see  now  that  they  were  crude  affairs. 
A  hearse, — sho  !  we  used  to  leave  the  elected  lying  around 
loose,  and  let  anybody  cord  them  up  and  cart  them  off  that 
wanted  to.  Have  you  anything  further  to  suggest  ?" 

"Nothing,  except  that  the  head  undertakers  shall  ride 
together,  as  is  usual.  The  subordinates  and  mutes  will 
go  on  foot,  as  is  also  usual.  I  will  see  you  at  eight  o'clock 
in  the  morning,  and  we  will  then  arrange  the  order  of  the 
procession.  I  have  the  honour  to  bid  you  a  good  day." 

I  returned  to  my  client,  who  said,  "  Very  well ;  at  what 
hour  is  the  engagement  to  begin  ?" 

"Half -past  nine." 

"Very  good  indeed,  Have  you  sent  the  fact  to  the 
newspapers  ?" 

"Sir!  If  after  our  long  and  intimate  friendship  you 
can  for  a  moment  deem  me  capable  of  so  base  a  treachery — " 

"Tut,  tut!  What  words  are  these,  my  dear  friend? 
Have  I  wounded  you  ?  Ah  !  forgive  me ;  I  am  overload 
ing  you  with  labour.  Therefore  go  on  with  the  other 
details,  and  drop  this  one  from  your  list.  The  bloody- 
minded  Fourtou  will  be  sure  to  attend  to  it.  Or  I  myself 
— yes  to  make  certain,  I  will  drop  a  note  to  my  journal 
istic  friend,  M.  Noir  " — 

"  Oh,  come  to  think,  you  may  save  yourself  the  trouble; 
that  other  second  has  informed  M.  Noir." 


13  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

:;H'm!  I  might  have  known  it.  It  is  just  like  that 
Fourtou,  who  always  wants  to  make  a  display." 

At  half  past  nine  in  the  morning  the  procession  ap 
proached  the  field  of  Plessis-Piquet  in  the  following  order ; 
first  came  our  carriage, — nobody  in  it  but  M.  Gambetta 
and  myself ;  then  a  carriage  containing  M.  Fourtou  and 
his  second;  then  a  carriage  containing  two  poet-orators  who 
did  not  believe  in  God,  and  these  had  MS.  funeral  orations 
projecting  from  their  breast  pockets ;  then  a  carriage  con 
taining  the  head  surgeons  and  their  cases  of  instruments; 
then  eight  private  carriages  containing  consulting  sur 
geons  ;  then  a  hack  containing  the  coroner ;  then  the  two 
hearses ;  then  a  carriage  containing  the  head  undertakers  ; 
then  a  train  of  assistants  and  mutes  on  foot ;  and  after 
these  came  plodding  through  the  fog  a  long  procession  of 
camp  followers,  police  and  citizens  generally.  It  was  a 
noble  turnout,  and  would  have  made  a  fine  display  if  we 
had  had  thinner  weather. 

There  was  no  conversation.  I  spoke  several  times  to 
my  principal,  but  I  judge  he  was  not  aware  of  it,  for  he 
always  referred  to  his  note-book  and  muttered  absently, 
"I  die  that  France  may  live." 

Arrived  on  the  field,  my  fellow-second  and  I  paced  off 
the  thirty-five  yards,  and  then  drew  lots  for  choice  of  posi 
tion.  This  latter  was  but  an  ornamental  ceremony,  for  all 
choices  were  alike  in  such  weather.  These  preliminaries 
being  ended,  I  went  to  my  principal  and  asked  him  if  he 
was  ready.  He  spread  himself  out  to  his  full  width,  and 
said  in  a  stern  voice,  "Ready  !  Let  the  batteries  be  charged." 


THE  RECENT  GREAT  FRENCH  DUEL.         19 

The  loading  was  done  in  the  presence  of  duly  consti 
tuted  witnesses.  We  considered  it  best  to  perform  this 
delicate  service  with  the  assistance  of  a  lantern,  on  ac 
count  of  the  state  of  the  weather.  We  now  placed  our  men. 

At  this  point  the  police  noticed  that  the  public  had 
massed  themselves  together  on  the  right  and  left  of  the 
field ;  they  therefore  begged  a  delay,  while  they  should 
put  these  poor  people  in  a  place  of  safety.  The  request 
was  granted. 

The  police  having  ordered  the  two  multitudes  to  take 
positions  behind  the  duellists,  we  were  once  more  ready. 
The  weather  growing  still  more  opaque,  it  was  agreed  be 
tween  myself  and  the  other  second  that  before  giving  the 
fatal  signal  we  should  each  deliver  a  loud  whoop,  ig  enable 
the  combatants  to  ascertain  each  other's  whereabouts. 

I  now  returned  to  my  principal,  and  was  distressed  to 
observe  that  he  had  lost  a  good  deal  of  his  spirit.  I  tried 
my  best  to  hearten  him.  I  said,  "  Indeed,  sir,  things  are 
not  so  bad  as  they  seem.  Considering  the  character  of 
the  weapons,  the  limited  number  of  shots  allowed,  the 
generous  distance,  the  impenetrable  solidity  of  the  fog, 
and  the  added  fact  that  one  of  the  combatants  is  one- 
eyed  and  the  other  cross-eyed  and  near  sighted,  it  seems 
fj  to  me  that  this  conflict  need  not  necessarily  be  fatal  There 
j  are  chances  that  both  of  you  may  survive.  Therefore, 
1  cheer  up ;  do  not  be  down-hearted." 

This  speech  had  so  good  an  effect  that  my  principal 
immediately  stretched  forth  his  hand  and  said,  "  I  am  my 
self  again ;  give  me  the  weapon." 


20  SKETCHES  BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

I  laid  it,  all  lonely  and  forlorn,  in  the  centre  of  the 
vast  solitude  of  his  palm.  He  gazed  at  it  and  shuddered. 
And  still  mournfully  contemplating  it,  he  murmured,  in  a 
broken  voice, 

"  Alas,  it  is  not  death  I  dread,  but  mutilation." 

I  heartened  him  once  more,  and  with  such  success  that 
he  presently  said,  "  Let  the  tragedy  begin.  Stand  at  my 
back ;  do  not  desert  me  in  this  solemn  hour,  my  friend." 

I  gave  him  my  promise.  I  now  assisted  him  to  point 
his  pistol  toward  the  spot  where  I  judged  his  adversary 
to  be  standing,  and  cautioned  him  to  listen  well  and  fur 
ther  guide  himself  by  my  fellow-second's  whoop.  Then 
I  propped  myself  against  M.  Gambetta's  back,  and  raised 
a  rousing  "  Whoop-ee !"  This  was  answered  from  out  the 
far  distance  of  the  fog,  and  I  immediately  shouted, 

"One,— two,— three,— -fire  /" 

Two  little  sounds  like  spit !  spit  !  broke  upon  my  ear, 
and  in  the  same  instant  I  was  crushed  to  the  earth  under 
a  mountain  of  flesh.  Buried  as  I  was,  I  was  still  able  to 
catch  a  faint  accent  from  above,  to  this  effect, — 

"  I  die  for  .  .  .  for  .  . .  perdition  take  it,  what  is  it  I  die 
for  ? ...  oh,  yes, — FRANCE  !  I  die  that  France  may  live!" 

The  surgeons  swarmed  around  with  their  probes  in  their 
hands,  and  applied  their  microscopes  to  the  whole  area  of 
M.  Gambetta's  person,  with  the  happy  result  of  finding 
nothing  in  the  nature  of  a  wound.  Then  a  scene  ensued 
which  was  in  every  way  gratifying  and  inspiriting. 

The  two  gladiators  fell  upon  each  other's  necks,  with 
floods  of  proud  and  happy  tears ;  that  other  second  em- 


THE  RECENT  GREAT  FRENCH  DUEL.        21 

braced  me ;  the  su%eons,  the  orators,  the  undertakers, 
the  police,  everybody  embraced,  everybody  congratulated, 
everybody  cried,  and  the  whole  atmosphere  was  filled 
with  praise  and  with  joy  unspeakable. 

It  seemed  to  me  then  that  I  would  rather  be  the  hero 
of  a  French  duel  than  a  crowned  and  sceptred  monarch. 

When  the  commotion  had  somewhat  subsided,  the  body 
of  surgeons  held  a  consultation,  and  after  a  good  deal  of 
debate  decided  that  with  proper  care  and  nursing  there 
was  reason  to  believe  that  I  would  survive  my  injuries. 
My  internal  hurts  Were  deemed  the  most  serious,  since  it 
was  apparent  that  a  broken  rib  had  penetrated  my  left 
lung,  and  that  many  of  my  organs  had  been  pressed  out 
so  far  to  one  side  or  the  other  of  where  they  belonged, 
that  it  was  doubtful  if  they  would  ever  learn  to  perform 
their  functions  in  such  remote  and  unaccustomed  locali 
ties.  They  then  set  my  left  arm  in  two  places,  pulled  my 
right  hip  into  its  socket  again,  and  re-elevated  my  nose. 
I  was  an  object  of  great  interest  and  even  admiration; 
and  many  sincere  and  warm-hearted  persons  had  them 
selves  introduced  to  me,  and  said  they  were  proud  to  know 
the  only  man  who  had  been  hurt  in  a  French  duel  for 
forty  years. 

I  was  placed  in  an  ambulance  at  the  very  head  of  the 
procession ;  and  thus  with  gratifying  eclat  I  was  marched 
into  Paris,  the  most  conspicuous  figure  in  that  great  spec 
tacle,  and  deposited  at  the  hospital. 

The  cross  of  the  Legion  of  Honour  has  been  conferred 
upon  me.  However,  few  escape  that  distinction. 


22  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

Such  is  the  true  version  of  the  most  memorable  private 
conflict  of  the  age.  My  recovery  is  still  doubtful,  but 
there  are  hopes.  I  am  able  to  dictate,  but  there  is  no 
knowing  when  I  shall  be  able  to  write. 

I  have  no  complaints  to  make  against  any  one.  I 
acted  for  myself,  and  I  can  stand  the  consequences.  With 
out  boasting,  I  think  I  may  say  I  am  not  afraid  to  stand 
before  a  modern  French  duellist,  but  I  will  never  consent 
to  stand  behind  one  again. 


THE  GREAT   REVOLUTION   IN   PITCAIRN. 


THE   GREAT    REVOLUTION    IN  PITCAIRN. 


LET  me  refresh  the  reader's  memory  a  little.  Nearly 
a  hundred  years  ago  the  crew  of  the  Eritish  ship 
Bounty  mutinied,  set  the  captain  and  his  officers  adrift 
upon  the  open  sea,  took  possession  of  the  ship,  and 
sailed  southward.  They  procured  wives  for  themselves 
among  the  natives  of  Tahiti,  then  proceeded  to  a 
lonely  little  rock  in  mid-Pacific,  called  Pitcairn's  Island, 
wrecked  the  vessel,  stripped  her  of  everything  that 
might  be  useful  to  a  new  colony,  and  established  them 
selves  on  shore. 

Pitcairn's  is  so  far  removed  from  the  track  of  commerce 
that  it  was  many  years  before  another  vessel  touched 
there.  It  had  always  been  considered  an  uninhabited 
island ;  so  when  a  ship  did  at  last  drop  its  anchor  there,' 
in  1808,  the  captain  was  greatly  surprised  to  find  the 
place  peopled.  Although  the  mutineers  had  fought 
among  themselves,  and  gradually  killed  each  other  off 
until  only  two  or  three  of  the  orignal  stock  remained, 
these  tragedies  had  not  occurred  before  a  number  of  chil 
dren  had  been  born;  so  in  1808  the  island  had  a  popula 
tion  of  twenty-seven  persons.  John  Adams,  the  chief 
mutineer,  still  survived,  and  was  to  live  many  years  yet, 


24  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

as  governor  and  patriarch  of  the  flock.  From  being 
mutineer  and  homicide,  he  had  turned  Christian  and 
teacher,  and  his  nation  of  twenty-seven  persons  was  now 
the  purest  and  devoutest  in  Christendom.  Adams  had 
long  ago  hoisted  the  British  flag  and  constituted  his  island 
an  appanage  of  the  British  Crown. 

To-day  the  population  numbers  ninety^  persons, — six 
teen  men,  nineteen  women,  twenty-five  boys,  and  thirty 
girls, — all  descendants  of  the  mutineers,  all  bearing  the 
family  names  of  those  mutineers,  and  all  speaking  Eng 
lish,  and  English  only.  The  island  stands  high  up  out  of 
the  sea,  and  has  precipitous  walls.  It  is  about  three 
quarters  of  a  mile  long,  and  in  places  is  as  much  as  half  a 
mile  wide.  Such  arable  land  as  it  affords  is  held  by  the 
several  families,  according  to  a  division  made  many  years 
ago.  There  is  some  live  stock, — goats,  pigs,  chickens,  and 
cats;  but  no  dogs,  and  no  large  animals.  There  is  one  church 
building, — used  also  as  a  capitol, — a  school  house,  and  a 
public  library.  The  title  of  the  governor  has  been,  for  a 
generation  or  two,  "  Magistrate  and  Chief  Ruler,  in  sub 
ordination  to  her  Majesty  the  Queen  of  Great  Britain."  Ii 
was  his  province  to  make  the  laws,  as  well  as  execute  them 
His  office  was  elective;  everybody  over  seventeen  years 
old  had  a  vote, — no  matter  about  the  sex. 

The  sole  occupations  of  the  people  were  farming  and 
fishing;  their  sole  recreation,  religious  services.  There 
has  never  been  a  shop  in  the  island,  nor  any  money.  The 
habits  and  dress  of  the  people  have  alway  been  primitive,  and 
their  laws  simple  to  puerility.  They  have  lived  in  a  deep 


THE  GREAT   REVOLUTION   IN   PITCAIRN.  25 

Sabbath  tranquillity,  far  from  the  world  and  its  ambitions 
and  vexations,  and  neither  knowing  nor  caring  what  was 
going  on  in  the  mighty  empires  that  lie  beyond  their 
limitless  ocean  solitudes.  Once  in  three  or  four  years  a 
ship  touched  there,  moved  them  with  aged  news  of  bloody 
battles,  devastating  epidemics,  fallen  thrones,  and  ruined 
dynasties,  then  traded  them  some  soap  and  flannel  for 
some  yams  and  bread-fruit,  and  sailed  away,  leaving  them 
to  retire  into  their  peaceful  dreams  and  pious  dissipations 
once  more. 

On  the  8th  of  last  September,  Admiral  de  Horsey, 
commander-in-chief  of  the  British  fleet  in  the  Pacific, 
visited  Pitcairn's  Island;  and  speaks  as  follows  in  his 
official  report  to  the  Admiralty : — 

"  They  have  beans,  carrots,  turnips,  cabbages,  and  a 
little  maize;  pineapples,  fig-trees,  custard  apples,  and 
oranges ;  lemons,  and  cocoa-nuts.  Clothing  is  obtained 
alone  from  passing  ships,  in  barter  for  refreshments. 
There  are  no  springs  on  the  island,  but  as  it  rains  gen 
erally  once  a  month  they  have  plenty  of  water,  although 
at  times,  in  former  years,  they  have  suffered  from  drought. 
No  alcoholic  liquors,  except  for  medicinal  purposes,  are 
used,  and  a  drunkard  is  unknown. 

"  The  necessary  articles  required  by  the  islanders  are 
best  shown  by  those  we  furnished  in  barter  for  refresh 
ments:  namely,  flannel,  serge,  drill,  half-boots,  combs, 
tobacco,  and  soap.  They  also  stand  much  in  need  of 
maps  and  slates  for  their  school,  and  tools  of  any  kind  are 
most  acceptable.  I  caused  them  to  be  supplied  from  the 


26  SKETCHES  BY   MASK   TWAIN. 

public  stores  with  a  union-jack  for  display  on  the  arrival 
of  ships,  and  a  pit  saw,  of  which  they  were  greatly  in 
need.  This,  I  trust,  will  meet  the  approval  of  their  lord 
ships.  If  the  munificent  people  of  England  were  only 
aware  of  the  wants  of  this  most  deserving  little  colony, 
they  would  not  long  go  unsupplied .... 

"Divine  service  is  held  every  Sunday  at  10.30  a.m. 
and  at  3  p.m.,  in  the  house  built  and  used  by  John  Adams 
for  that  purpose  until  he  died  in  1829.  It  is  conducted 
strictly  in  accordance  with  the  liturgy  of  the  Church  of 
England,  by  Mr.  Simon  Young,  their  selected  pastor,  who 
is  much  respected.  A  Bible  class  is  held  every  Wednes 
day,  when  all  who  conveniently  can  attend.  There  is 
also  a  general  meeting  for  prayer  on  the  first  Friday  in 
every  month.  Family  prayers  are  said  in  every  house 
the  first  thing  in  the  morning  and  the  last  thing  in  the 
evening,  and  no  food  is  partaken  of  without  asking  God's 
blessing  before  and  afterwards.  Of  these  islanders'  re 
ligious  attributes  no  one  can  speak  without  deep  respect. 
A  people  whose  greatest  pleasure  and  privilege  is  to  com 
mune  in  prayer  with  their  God,  and  to  join  in  hymns  of 
praise,  and  who  are,  moreover,  cheerful,  diligent,  and 
probably  freer  from  vice  than  any  other  community,  need 
no  priest  among  them." 

Now  I  come  to  a  sentence  in  the  admiral's  report  which 
he  dropped  carelessly  from  his  pen,  no  doubt,  and  never 
gave  the  matter  a  second  thought.  He  little  imagined 
what  a  freight  of  tragic  prophecy  it  bore  !  This  is  the 
sentence : 


THE  QBEAT  REVOLUTION   IN    PITCAIRN.  27 

"One  stranger,  an  American,  has  settled  on  the  island, 
—a  doubtful  acquisition" 

A  doubtful  acquisition  indeed!  Captain  Ormsby,  in 
the  American  ship  Hornet,  touched  at  Pitcairn's  nearly 
four  months  after  the  admiral's  visit,  and  from  the  facts 
which  he  gathered  there  we  know  all  about  that  4-meri- 
can.  Let  us  put  these  facts  together,  in  historical  form. 
The  American's  name  was  Butterworth  Stavely.  As  soon 
as  he  had  become  well  acquainted  with  all  the  people, — 
and  this  took  but  a  few  days,  of  course, — he  began  to  in 
gratiate  himself  with  them  by  all  the  arts  he  could  com 
mand.  He  became  exceedingly  popular,  and  much  looked 
up  to;  for  one  of  the  first  things  he  did  was  to  forsake  his 
worldly  way  of  life,  and  throw  all  his  energies  into  reli 
gion.  He  was  always  reading  his  Bible,  or  praying,  or 
singing  hymns,  or  asking  blessings.  In  prayer,  no  one  had 
such  " liberty  "  as  he,  no  one  could  pray  so  long  or  so  well. 

At  last,  when  he  considered  the  time  to  be  ripe,  he  be 
gan  secretly  to  sow  the  seeds  of  discontent  among  the 
people.  Ifc  was  his  deliberate  purpose,  from  the  begin 
ning,  to  subvert  the  government,  but  of  course  he  kept 
that  to  himself  for  a  time.  He  used  different  arcs  with  dif 
ferent  individuals.  He  awakened  dissatisfaction  in  one 
quarter  by  calling  attention  to  fche  shortness  of  the  Sun 
day  services;  he  argued  that  there  should  be  three  hour 
services  on  Sunday  instead  of  only  two.  Many  had 
secretty  held  this  opinion  before;  they  now  privately  banded 
themselves  into  a  pai'fcy  to  work  for  it.  He  showed  cer 
tain  of  the  women  that  they  were  not  allowed  sufficient 


28  SKETCHES  BY  MABK  TWAIN. 

voice  in  the  prayer-meetings;  thus  another  party  was 
formed.  No  weapon  was  beneath  his  notice ;  he  even 
descended  to  the  children,  and  awoke  discontent  in  their 
breasts  because — as  lie  discovered  for  them — they  had  not 
enough  Sunday-school.  This  created  a  third  party. 

Now,  as  the  chief  of  these  parties,  he  found  himself  the 
strongest  power  in  the  community.  So  he  proceeded  to 
his  next  move, — a  no  less  important  one  than  the  im 
peachment  of  the  chief  magistrate,  James  Russell  Nickoy; 
a  man  of  character  and  ability,  and  possessed  of  great 
wealth,  he  being  the  owner  of  a  house  with  a  parlour  to  it, 
three  acres  and  a  half  of  yam  land,  and  the  only  boat  in 
Pitcairn's,  a  whale-boat;  and,  most  unfortunately,  a  pre 
text  for  this  impeachment  offered  itself  at  just  the  right 
time.  One  of  the  earliest  and  most  precious  laws  of  the 
island  was  the  law  against  trespass.  It  was  held  in  great 
reverence,  and  was  regarded  as  the  palladium  of  the  peo 
ple's  liberties.  About  thirty  years  ago  an  important  case 
came  before  the  courts  under  this  law,  in  this  wise:  a 
chicken  belonging  to  Elizabeth  Young  (aged,  at  that 
time,  fifty-eight,  a  daughter  of  John  Mills,  one  of  the 
mutineers  of  the  Bounty)  trespassed  upon  the  grounds  of 
Thursday  October  Christian  (aged  twenty-nine,  a  grand 
son  of  Fletcher  Christian,  one  of  the  mutineers).  Chris 
tian  killed  the  chicken.  According  to  the  law,  Christian 
could  keep  the  chicken;  or,  if  he  preferred,  he  could 
restore  its  remains  to  the  owner,  and  receive  damages  in 
"produce"  to  an  amount  equivalent  to  the  waste  and  in 
jury  wrought  by  the  trespasser.  The  court  records  set 


THE   GREAT   REVOLUTION   IN   P1TCAIIUST.  29 

forth  that  "the  said  Christian  aforesaid  did  deliver  the 
aforesaid  remains  to  the  said  Elizabeth  Young,  and  did 
demand  one  bushel  of  yams  in  satisfaction  of  the  damage 
done."  But  Elizabeth  Young  considered  the  demand 
exorbitant;  the  parties  could  not  agree ;  therefore  Chris 
tian  brought  suit  in  the  courts.  He  lost  his  case  in  the 
justice's  court;  at  least,  he  was  awarded  only  a  half  peck 
of  yams,  which  he  considered  insufficient,  and  in  the 
nature  of  a  defeat.  He  appealed.  The  case  lingered 
several  years  in  an  ascending  grade  of  courts,  and 
always  resulted  in  decrees  sustaining  the  original  verdict; 
and  finally  the  thing  got  into  the  supreme  court,  and 
there  it  stuck  for  twenty  years.  But  last  summer,  even 
the  supreme  court  managed  to  arrive  at  a  decision  at  last. 
Once  more  the  original  verdict  was  sustained.  Christian 
then  said  he  was  satisfied;  but  Stavely  was  present,  and 
whispered  to  him  and  to  his  lawyer,  suggesting,  "as  a 
mere  form,"  that  the  original  law  be  exhibited,  in  order 
to  make  sure  that  it  still  existed.  It  seemed  an  odd  idea, 
but  an  ingenious  one.  So  the  demand  was  made.  A 
messenger  was  sent  to  the  magistrate's  house;  he  pre 
sently  returned  with  the  tidings  that  it  had  disappeared 
from  among  the  state  archives. 

The  court  now  pronounced  its  late  decision  void,  since  it 
had  been  made  under  a  law  which  had  no  actual  existence. 

Grea,t  excitement  ensued,  immediately.  The  news  swept 
abroad  over  the  whole  island  that  the  palladium  of  the 
public  liberties  was  lost, — may  be  treasonably  destroyed. 
Within  thirty  minutes  almost  the  entire  nation  were  in 


30  .  SKETCHES   Blr   MAIlK   TWAIN. 

the  court  room, — that  is  to  say,  the  church.  The  impeach 
ment  of  the  chief  magistrate  followed,  upon  Stavely's 
motion.  The  accused  met  his  misfortune  with  the  dignity 
which  became  his  great  office.  He  did  not  plead,  or  even 
argue :  he  offered  the  simple  defence  that  he  had  not  med 
dled  with  the  missing  law;  that  he  had  kept  the  stato 
archives  in  the  same  candle-box  that  had  been  used  as 
their  depository  from  the  beginning;  and  that  he  was  inno 
cent  of  the  removal  or  destruction  of  the  lost  document. 

But  nothing  could  save  him ;  he  was  found  guilty  of 
misprision  of  treason,  and  degraded  from  his  office,  and  all 
his  property  was  confiscated. 

The  lamest  part  of  the  whole  shameful  matter  was  the 
reason  suggested  by  his  enemies  for  his  destruction  of  the 
law,  to  wit,  that  he  did  it  to  favour  Christian,  because 
Christian  was  his  cousin !  Whereas  Stavely  was  the  only 
individual  in  the  entire  nation  who  was  not  his  cousin. 
The  reader  must  remember  that  all  of  these  people  are 
the  descendants  of  half  a  dozen  men ;  that  the  first  chil 
dren  intermarried  together  and  bore  grandchildren  to  the 
mutineers ;  that  these  grandchildren  intermarried ;  after 
them,  great  and  great-great-grandchildren  intermarried : 
so  that  to-day  everybody  is  blood-kin  to  everybody. 
Moreover,  the  relationships  are  wonderfully,  even  astoimd- 
ingly,  mixed  up  and  complicated.  A  stranger,  for  instance, 
says  to  an  islander, — 

"  You  speak  of  that  young  woman  as  your  cousin ;  a 
while  ago  you  called  her  your  aunt." 

"  Well,  she  is  my  aunt,  and  my  cousin  too.     And  also  my 


THE   GREAT   REVOLUTION   IN    PITCAIiiN. 

step-sister,  my  niece,  my  fourth  cousin,  my  thirty-third 
cousin,  my  forty-second  cousin,  my  great-aunt,  my  grand 
mother,  my  widowed  sister-in-law, — and  next  week  she 
will  be  my  wife." 

So  the  charge  of  nepotism  against  the  chief  magistrate 
was  weak.    But  no  matter ;  weak  or  strong,  it  suited  Stave- 
ly.     Stavely  was  immediately  elected  to  the  vacant  magis 
tracy  ;  and,  oozing  reform  from  every  pore,  he  went  vig 
orously  to  work.     In  no  long  time  religious  services  raged 
everywhere  and  unceasingly.     By  command,  the  second 
prayer  of  the  Sunday  morning  service,  which  had  custom 
arily  endured  some  thirty-five  or  forty  minutes,  and  had 
pleaded  for  the  world,  first  by  continent  and  then  by  nation 
al  and  tribal  detail,  was  extended  to  an  hour  and  a  half, 
and  made  to  include  supplications  in  behalf  of  the  possible 
peoples  in  the  several  planets.     Everybody  was  pleased 
with  this;  everybody  said,  "Now,  this  is  something  like." 
By  command,  the  usual  three-hour  sermons  were  doubled 
in  length.     The  nation  came  in  a  body  to  testify  their  grati 
tude  to  the  new  magistrate.     The  old  law  forbidding  cook 
ing  on  the  Sabbath  was  extended  to  the  prohibition  of  eat 
ing,  also.     By  command,  Sunday  school  was  privileged  to 
spread  over  into  the  week.     The  joy  of  all  classes  was 
complete.     In  one  short  month  the  new  magistrate  was 
become  the  people's  idol. 

The  time  was  ripe  for  this  man's  next  move.  He  began, 
cautiously  at  first,  to  poison  the  public  mind  against  Eng 
land.  He  took  the  chief  citizens  aside,  one  by  one,  and 
conversed  with  them  on  this  topic.  Presently  he  grew 


32  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

bolder,  and  spoke  out.  He  said  the  nation  owed  it  to 
itself,  to  its  honour,  to  its  great  traditions,  to  rise  in  its 
might  and  throw  off  "  this  galling  English  yoke." 

But  the  simple  islanders  answered, — 

"  We  had  not  noticed  that  it  galled,  How  does  it  gall  ? 
England  sends  a  ship  once  in  three  or  four  years  to  give 
us  soap  and  clothing,  and  things  which  we  sorely  need  and 
gratefully  receive ;  but  she  never  troubles  us ;  she  lets  us 
go  our  own  way." 

"  She  lets  you  go  your  own  way  !  So  slaves  have  felt 
and  spoken  in  all  the  ages  !  This  speech  shows  how  fallen 
you  are,  how  base,  how  brutalized,  you  have  become,  under 
this  grinding  tyranny !  What !  has  all  manly  pride  for 
saken  you  ?  is  liberty  nothing  ?  Are  you  content  to  be  a 
mere  appendage  to  a  foreign  and  hateful  sovereignty,  when 
you  might  rise  up  and  take  your  rightful  place  in  the 
august  family  of  nations,  great,  free,  enlightened,  inde 
pendent,  the  minion  of  no  sceptred  master  but  the  arbiter 
of  your  own  destiny,  and  a  voice  and  a  power  in  decree 
ing  the  destinies  of  your  sister-sovereignties  of  the  world  ?" 

Speeches  like  this  produced  an  effect  by  and  by.  Citi 
zens  began  to  feel  the  English  yoke ;  they  did  not  know 
exactly  how  or  whereabouts  they  felt  it,  but  they  were 
perfectly  certain  they  did  feel  it.  They  got  to  grumbling 
a  good  deal,  and  chafing  under  their  chains,  and  longing 
for  relief  and  release.  They  presently  fell  to  hating  the 
English  flag,  that  sign  and  symbol  of  their  nation's  degra 
dation  ;  they  ceased  to  glance  up  at  it  as  they  passed  the 
capitol,  but  averted  their  eyes  and  grated  their  teeth ;  and 


THE  GREAT   REVOLUTION   IN   PITCAIRN.  S3 

one  morning,  when  it  was  found  trampled  into  the  mild 
at  the  foot  of  the  staff,  they  left  it  there,  and  no  man  put 
his  hand  to  it  to  hoist  it  again.  A  certain  thing  which 
was  sure  to  happen  sooner  or  later  happened  now.  Some 
of  the  chief  citizens  went  to  the  magistrate  by  night,  and 
said, — 

"  We  can  endure  this  hated  tyranny  no  longer.  How 
can  we  cast  it  off? " 

"  By  a  coup  d'etat. " 

"How?" 

"A  coup  d'etat.  It  is  like  this:  Everything  is  got 
ready,  and  at  the  appointed  moment  I,  as  the  official  head 
of  the  nation,  publicly  and  solemnly  proclaim  its  inde 
pendence,  and  absolve  it  from  allegiance  to  any  and  all 
other  powers  whatsoever." 

"  That  sounds  simple  and  easy.  We  can  do  that  right 
away.  Then  what  will  be  the  next  thing  to  do  ? " 

"  Seize  all  the  defences  and  public  properties  of  all 
kinds,  establish  martial  law,  put  the  army  and  navy  on  a 
war  footing,  and  proclaim  the  empire ! " 

This  fine  programme  dazzled  these  innocents.   They  said, 

"  This  is  grand, — this  is  splendid ;  but  will  not  England 
resist?" 

"  Let  her.     This  rock  is  a  Gibraltar." 

"  True.  But  about  the  empire  ?  Do  we  need  an  empire, 
and  an  emperor  ? " 

"  What  you  need  my  friends,  is  unification.  Look  at 
Germany ;  look  at  Italy.  They  are  unified.  Unification 
is  the  thing.  It  makes  living  dear.  That  constitutes  pro- 


34  SKETCHES  BY   HI  AUK  TWAIN. 

gress.  We  must  have  a  standing  army  and  a  navy.  Taxes 
follow,  as  a  matter  of  course.  All  these  things  summed 
up  make  grandeur.  With  unification  and  grandeur,  what 
more  can  you  want  ?  Very  well, — only  the  empire  can 
confer  these  boons." 

So  on  the  8th  day  of  December  Pitcairn's  Island  was 
proclaimed  a  free  and  independent  nation;  and  on  the 
same  day  the  solemn  coronation  of  ButterAvorth  I.,  emperor 
of  Pitcairn's  Island  took  place,  amid  great  rejoicings  and 
festivities.  The  entire  nation,  with  the  exception  of  four 
teen  persons,  mainly  little  children,  marched  past  the 
throne  in  single  file,  with  banners  and  music,  the  proces 
sion  being  upwards  of  ninety  feet  long ;  and  some  said  it 
was  as  much  as  three  quarters  of  a  minute  passing  a  given 
point.  Nothing  like  it  had  ever  been  seen  in  the  history 
of  the  island  before.  Public  enthusiasm  was  measureless. 

Now  straightway  imperial  reforms  began.  Orders  of 
nobility  were  instituted.  A  minister  of  the  navy  was 
appointed,  and  the  whale-boat  put  in  commission.  A 
minister  of  war  was  created,  and  ordered  to  proceed  at  once 
with  the  formation  of  a  standing  army.  A  first  lord  of 
the  treasury  was  named  and  commanded  to  get  up  a  tax 
ation  scheme,  and  also  open  negotiations  for  treaties,  of 
fensive,  defensive,  and  commercial,  with  foreign  powers. 
Some  generals  and  admirals  were  appointed ;  also  some 
chamberlains,  some  equerries  in  waiting,  and  some  lords 
of  the  bed-chamber. 

At  this  point  all  the  material  was  used  up.  The  Grand 
Duke  of  Galilee,  minister  of  war,  complained  that  all  the 


THE  GEEAT   REVOLUTION   IN   PITCAIRN.  35 

sixteen  grown  men  in  the  empire  had  been  given  great 
offices,  and  consequently  would  not  consent  to  serve  in  the 
ranks ;  wherefore  his  standing  army  was  at  a  stand-still. 
The  Marquis  of  Ararat,  minister  of  the  navy,  made  a 
similar  complaint.  He  said  he  was  willing  to  steer  the 
whale-boat  himself,  but  he  must  have  somebody  to  man 
her. 

The  emperor  did  the  best  he  could  in  the  circumstances ; 
he  took  all  the  boys  above  the  age  of  ten  years  away  from 
their  mothers,  and  pressed  them  into  the  army,  thus  con 
structing  a  corps  of  seventeen  privates,  officered  by  one 
lieutenant-general  and  two  major-generals.  This  pleased 
the  minister  of  war,  but  procured  the  enmity  of  all  the 
mothers  in  the  land ;  for  they  said  their  precious  ones  must 
now  find  bloody  graves  in  the  fields  of  war,  and  he  would 
be  answerable  for  it.  Some  of  the  more  heart-broken  and 
inappeasable  among  them  lay  constantly  in  wait  for  the 
emperor  and  threw  yams  at  him.  unmindful  of  the  body 
guard. 

On  account  of  the  extreme  scarcity  of  material,  it  was 
found  necessary  to  require  the  Duke  of  Bethany,  post 
master-general,  to  pull  stroke-oar  in  the  navy,  and  thus 
sit  in  the  rear  of  a  noble  of  lower  degree,  namely,  Viscount 
Canaan,  lord-justice  of  the  common  pleas.  This  turned 
the  Duke  of  Bethany  into  a  tolerably  open  malcontent  and 
a  secret  conspirator, — a  thing  which  the  emperor  foresaw, 
but  could  not  help. 

Things  went  from  bad  to  worse.  The  emperor  raised 
Nancy  Peters  to  the  peerage  on  one  day,  and  married  her 


36  SKETCHES  BY   MARK    TWAIN, 

the  next,  notwithstanding,  for  reasons  of  state,  the  cabinet 
had  strenuously  advised  him  to  marry  Emmeline,  eldest 
daughter  of  the  Archbishop  of  Bethlehem.  This  caused 
trouble  in  a  powerful  quarter, — the  church.  The  new 
empress  secured  the  support  and  friendship  of  two-thirds 
of  the  thirty-six  grown  women  in  the  nation  by  absorbing 
them  into  her  court  as  maids  of  honour ;  but  this  made 
deadly  enemies  of  the  remaining  twelve.  The  families  of 
the  maids  of  honour  soon  began  to  rebel,  because  there 
was  now  nobody  at  home  to  keep  house.  The  twelve 
snubbed  women  refused  to  enter  the  imperial  kitchen  as 
servants ;  so  the  empress  had  to  require  the  Countess  of 
Jericho  and  other  great  court  dames  to  fetch  water,  sweep 
the  palace,  and  to  perform  other  menial  and  equally  dis 
tasteful  services.  This  made  bad  blood  in  that  depart 
ment. 

Every  body  fell  to  complaining  that  the  taxes  levied 
for  the  support  of  the  army,  the  navy,  and  the  rest  of  the 
imperial  establishment  were  intolerably  burdensome,  and 
were  reducing  the  nation  to  beggary.  The  emperor's  re 
ply — "  Look  at  Germany ;  look  at  Italy.  Are  you  better 
than  they  ?  and  haven't  you  unification  ?  " — did  not  satisfy 
them.  They  said, "  People  can't  eat  unification,  and  we  are 
starving.  Agriculture  has  ceased.  Everybody  is  in  the 
army,  everybody  is  in  the  navy,  everybody  is  in  the  public 
service,  standing  around  in  a  uniform,  with  nothing  what 
ever  to  do,  nothing  to  eat  and  nobody  to  till  the  fields." — 

"  Look  at  Germany ;  look  at  Italy.  It  is  the  same  there. 
Such  is  unification,  and  there's  no  other  way  to  get  it— 


THE  GREAT  REVOLUTION   IN  PITCAIRN.  37 

no  other  way  to  keep  it  after  you've  got  it,"  said  the  poor 
emperor  always. 

But  the  grumbler  only  replied,  "  We  can't  stand  the 
taxes — we  can't  stand  them." 

Now  right  on  the  top  of  this  the  cabinet  reported  a 
national  debt  amounting  to  upwards  of  forty-five  dollars 
—half  a  dollar  to  every  individual  in  the  nation.  And 
they  proposed  to  fund  something.  They  had  heard  that 
this  was  always  done  in  such  emergencies.  They  proposed 
duties  on  exports ;  also  on  imports.  And  they  wanted  to 
issue  bonds ;  also  paper  money,  redeemable  in  yams  and 
cabbages  in  fifty  years.  They  said  the  pay  of  the  army 
and  of  the  navy  and  of  the  whole  governmental  machine 
was  far  in  arrears,  and  unless  something  was  done,  and 
done  immediately,  national  bankruptcy  must  ensue,  and 
possibly  insurrection  and  revolution.  The  emperor  at 
once  resolved  upon  a  high-handed  measure,  and  one  of  a 
nature  never  before  heard  of  in  Pitcairn's  Island.  He 
went  in  state  to  the  church  on  Sunday  morning,  with  the 
army  at  his  back,  and  commanded  the  minister  of  the 
treasury  to  take  up  a  collection. 

That  was  the  feather  that  broke  the  camel's  back.  First 
one  citizen,  and  then  another,  rose  and  refused  to  submit 
to  this  unheard-of  outrage — and  each  refusal  was  followed 
by  the  immediate  confiscation  of  the  malcontent's  property. 
This  vigour  soon  stopped  the  refusals,  and  the  collection 
proceeded  amid  a  sullen  and  ominous  silence.  As  the 
emperor  withdrew  with  the  troops,  he  said,  "  I  will  teach 
you  who  is  master  here."  Several  persons  shouted,  "  Down 


8  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

with  unification !"     They  were  at  once  arrested  and  torn 
from  the  arms  of  their  weeping  friends  by  the  soldiery. 

But  in  the  meantime,  as  any  prophet  might  have  fore 
seen,  a  Social  Democrat  had  been  developed.  As  the 
emperor  stepped  into  the  gilded  imperial  wheelbarrow  at 
the  church  door,  the  social  democrat  stabbed  at  him  fifteen 
or  sixteen  times  with  a  harpoon,  but  fortunately  with  such 
a  peculiarly  social  democratic  unprecision  of  aim  as  to  do 
no  damage. 

That  very  night  the  convulsion  came.  The  nation  rose 
as  one  man — though  forty-nine  of  the  revolutionists  were 
of  the  other  sex.  The  infantry  threw  down  their  pitch 
forks  ;  the  artillery  cast  aside  their  cocoa-nuts ;  the  navy 
revolted ;  the  emperor  was  seized,  and  bound  hand  and 
foot  in  his  palace.  He  was  very  much  depressed.  He 
said — 

"  I  freed  you  from  a  grinding  tyranny ;  I  lifted  you  up 
out  of  your  degradation,  and  made  you  a  nation  among 
nations ;  I  gave  you  a  strong,  compact,  centralized  govern 
ment;  and,  more  than  all,  I  gave  you  the  blessing  of 
blessings — unification.  I  have  done  all  this,  and  my 
reward  is  hatred,  insult,  and  these  bonds.  Take  me ;  do 
with  me  as  ye  will.  I  here  resign  my  crown  and  all  my 
dignities,  and  gladly  do  I  release  myself  from  their  too 
heavy  burden.  For  your  sake  I  took  them  up ;  for  your 
sake  I  lay  them  down.  The  imperial  jewel  is  no  more ; 
now  bruise  and  defile  as  ye  will  the  useless  setting." 

By  a  unanimous  voice  the  people  condemned  the  ex- 
emperor  and  the  social  democrat  to  perpetual  banishment 


from  church  se*r vices,  or  to  perpetual  labour  as  galley- 
slaves  in  the  whale-boat — whichever  they  might  prefer. 
The  next  day  the  nation  assembled  again,  and  re-hoisted 
the  British  flag,  reinstated  the  British  tyranny,  reduced 
the  nobility  to  the  condition  of  commoners  again,  and 
then  straightway  turned  their  diligent  attention  to  the 
weeding  of  the  ruined  and  neglected  yam  patches,  and 
the  rehabilitation  of  the  old  useful  industries  and  the  old 
healing  and  solacing  pieties.  The  ex-emperor  restored  the 
lost  trespass  law,  and  explained  that  he  had  stolen  it — 
not  to  injure  any  one,  but  to  further  his  political  projects. 
Therefore  the  nation  gave  the  late  chief  magistrate  his 
office  again,  and  also  his  alienated  property. 

Upon  reflection,  the  ex-emperor  and  the  social  democrat 
chose  perpetual  banishment  from  religious  services,  in 
preference  to  perpetual  labour  as  galley-slaves  "  with,  per 
petual  religious  services,"  as  they  phrased  it ;  wherefore 
the  people  believed  that  the  poor  fellows'  troubles  had 
unseated  their  reason,  and  so  they  judged  it  best  to  con 
fine  them  for  the  present.  Which  they  did. 

Such  is  the  history  of  Pitcairn's  "  doubtful  acquisition." 


40  SKETCHES   BY    MA11K   TWAIN. 


THE  STORY  OF  THE  BAD  LITTLE  BOY. 


ONCE  there  was  a  bad  little  boy  whose  name  was  Jim — 
though,  if  you  will  notice,  you  will  find  that  bad  little 
boys  are  nearly  always  called  James  in  your  Sunday  school 
books.     It  was  strange,  but  still  it  was  true  that  this  one 
was  called  Jim. 

He  didn't  have  any  sick  mother  either — a  sick  mother 
who  was  pious  and  had  the  consumption,  and  would  be  glad 
to  lie  down  in  the  grave  and  be  at  rest  but  for  the  strong 
love  she  bore  her  boy,  and  the  anxiety  she  felt  that  the 
world  might  be  harsh  and  cold  towards  him  when  she  was 
gone.  Most  bad  boys  in  the  Sunday  books  are  named 
James,  and  have  sick  mothers,  who  teach  them  to  say 
"  Now,  I  lay  me  down,"  etc.,  and  sing  them  to  sleep  with 
sweet,  plaintive  voices,  and  then  kiss  them  good  night, 
and  kneel  down  by  the  bedside  and  weep.  But  it  was 
different  with  this  fellow.  He  was  named  Jim,  and  there 
wasn't  anything  the  matter  with  his  mother — no  consump 
tion,  nor  anything  of  that  kind.  She  was  rather  stout  than 
otherwise,  and  she  was  not  pious ;  moreover,  she  *&&&  not 
anxious  on  Jim's  account.  She  said  if  he  were  to  break  his 
neck  it  wouldn't  be  much  loss.  She  always  spanked  Jim 
to  sleep,  and  she  never  kissed  him  good  night ;  on  the  con 
trary,  she  boxed  his  ears  when  she  was  ready  to  leave  him. 


THE  STOIIY   OF   TUil   BAD   LITTLE  BOY.  4  , 

Once  this  little  bad  boy  stole  the  key  of  the  pantry,  and 
slipped  in  there  and  helped  himself  to  some  jam,  and  filled 
up  the  vessel  with  tar,  so  that  his  mother  would  never 
know  the  difference ;  but  all  at  once  a  terrible  feeling  didn't 
came  over  him,  and  something  didn't  seem  to  whisper  to 
him,  "  Is  it  right  to  disobey  my  mother  ?  Isn't  it  sinful  to 
do  this  ?  Where  do  bad  little  boys  go  who  gobble  up  their 
good  kind  mother's  jam  ?"  a  ad  then  he  didn't  kneel  down 
all  alone  and  promise  never  to  be  wicked  any  more,  and 
rise  up  with  a  light,  happy  heart,  and  go  and  tell  his 
mother  all  about  it,  and  beg  her  forgiveness,  and  be  bless 
ed  by  her  with  tears  of  pride  and  thankfulness  in  her  eyes. 

No ;  that  is  the  way  with  all  other  bad  boys  in  the  books  ;• 
but  it  happened  otherwise  with  this  Jim,  strangely  enough. 
He  ate  that  jam,  and  said  it  was  bully,  in  his  sinful,  vulgar 
way ;  and  he  put  in  the  tar,  and  said  that  was  bully  also, 
and  laughed,  and  observed  "  that  the  old  woman  would 
get  up  and  snort "  when  she  found  it  out ;  and  when  she 
did  find  it  out,  he  denied  knowing  anything  about  it,  and 
she  whipped  him  severely,  and  he  did  the  crying  himself. 
Everything  about  this  boy  was  curious — everything  turn 
ed  out  differently  with  him  from  the  way  it  does  to  the 
bad  Jameses  in  the  books. 

Once  he  climbed  up  in  Farmer  Acorn's  apple-tree  to  steal 
apples,  and  the  limb  didn't  break,  and  he  didn't  fall  and 
break  his  arm,  and  get  torn  by  the  farmer's  great  dog,  and 
then  languish  on  a  sick  bed  for  weeks,  and  repent  and 
become  good.  Oh,  no;  he  stole  as  many  apples  as  ho 
wanted,  and  came  down  all  right ;  and  he  was  all  ready 


±2  SKETCHES    BY    MAKK    TWAIN. 

for  the  dog,  too,  and  knocked  him  endways  with  a  brick 
when  he  came  to  tear  him.  It  was  very  strange — nothing 
like  it  ever  happened  in  those  mild  little  books  with  mar 
bled  backs,  and  with  pictures  in  them  of  men  with  swal 
low-tailed  coats  and  bell-crowned  hats,  and  pantaloons 
that  are  short  in  the  legs,  and  women  with  the  waists  of 
their  dresses  under  their  arms,  and  no  hoops  on.  Nothing 
like  it  in  any  of  the  Sunday  school  books. 

Once  he  stole  the  teacher's  pen-knife,  and,  when  he  was 
afraid  it  would  be  found  out  and  he  would  get  whipped, 
he  slipped  it  into  George  Wilson's  cap — poor  widow  Wil 
son's  son,  the  moral  boy,  the  good  little  boy  of  the  village, 
who  always  obeyed  his  mother,  and  never  told  an  untruth, 
and  was  fond  of  his  lessons,  and  infatuated  with  Sunday 
school.  And  when  the  knife  dropped  from  the  cap,  and 
poor  George  hung  his  head  and  blushed,  as  if  in  conscious 
guilt,  and  the  grieved  teacher  charged  the  theft  upon  him, 
and  was  just  in  the  very  act  of  bringing  the  switch  down 
upon  his  trembling  shoulders,  a  white-haired,  improbable 
j  ustice  of  the  peace  did  not  suddenly  appear  in  their  midst, 
and  strike  an  attitude  and  say,  "  Spare  this  noble  boy- 
there  stands  the  cowering  culprit !  I  was  passing  the 
school  door  at  recess,  and  unseen  myself,  I  saw  the  theft 
committed!"  And  then  Jim  didn't  get  whaled,  and  the 
venerable  justice  didn't  read  the  tearful  school  a  homily, 
and  take  George  by  the  hand  and  say  such  a  boy  deserved 
to  be  exalted,  and  then  tell  him  to  come  and  make  his 
home  with  him,  and  sweep  out  the  office,  and  make  fires, 
and  run  errands,  and  chop  wood,  and  study  law,  and  help 


THU   STOKY   OF   THE   BAD   LITTLE  BOY.  4-', 

his  wife  do  household  labours,  and  have  all  the  balance 
of  the  time  to  play,  and  get  forty  cents  a  month,  and  be 
happy.  No;  it  would  have  happened  that  way  in  the 
books,  but  it  didn't  happen  that  way  to  Jim.  No  med 
dling  old  clam  of  a  justice  dropped  in  to  make  trouble, 
and  so  the  model  boy  George  got  thrashed,  and  Jim  was 
glad  of  it  because,  you  know,  Jim  hated  moral  boys.  Jim 
said  he  was  "down  on  them  milksops."  Such  was  the 
coarse  language  of  this  bad,  neglected  boy. 

But  the  strangest  thing  that  ever  happened  to  Jim  was 
the  time  he  went  boating  on  Sunday,  and  didn't  get 
drowned,  and  that  other  time  that  he  got  caught  out  in 
the  storm  when  he  was  fishing  on  Sunday,  and  didn't  get 
struck  by  lightning.  Why,  you  might  look,  and  look, 
all  through  the  Sunday  school  books  from  now  till  next 
Christmas,  and  you  would  never  come  across  anything 
like  this.  Oh  no ;  you  would  find  that  all  the  bad  boys 
who  go  boating  on  Sunday  invariably  get  drowned ;  and 
all  the  bad  boys  who  get  caught  out  in  storms  when  they 
are  fishing  on  Sunday,  infallibly  get  struck  by  lightning. 
Boats  with  bad  boys  in  them  always  upset  on  Sunday, 
and  it  always  storms  when  bad  boys  go  fishing  on  the 
Sabbath.  How  this  Jim  ever  escaped  is  a  mystery  to  me. 

This  Jim  bore  a  charmed  life — that  must  have  been  the 
way  of  it.  Nothing  could  hurt  him.  He  even  gave  the 
elephant  in  the  menagerie  a  plug  of  tobacco,  and  the  ele 
phant  didn't  knock  the  top  of  his  head  off  with  his  trunk. 
He  browsed  around  the  cupboard  after  essence  of  pepper 
mint,  and  didn't  make  a  mistake  and  drink  aqua  fortis. 


44  SKETCHES  BY   MAliK  TWAIN. 

He  stole  his  father's  gun  and  went  hunting  on  the  Sabbath, 
and  didn't  shoot  three  or  four  of  his  fingers  off.  He  struck 
his  little  sister  on  the  temple  with  his  fist  when  he  was 
angry,  and  she  didn't  linger  in  pain  through  long  summer 
days;  and  die  with  sweet  words  of  forgiveness  upon  her 
lips  that  redoubled  the  anguish  of  his  breaking  heart.  No ; 
she  got  over  it.  He  ran  off  and  went  to  sea  at  last,  and 
didn't  come  back  and  find  himself  sad  and  alone  in  the 
world,  his  loved  ones  sleeping  in  the  quiet  churchyard,  and 
the  vine-embowered  home  of  his  boyhood  tumbled  down 
and  gone  to  decay.  Ah,  no ;  he  came  home  as  drunk  as  a 
piper,  and  got  into  the  station-house  the  first  thing. 

And  he  grew  up  and  married,  and  raised  a  large  family, 
and  brained  them  all  with  an  axe  one  night,  and  got 
wealthy  by  all  manner  of  cheating  and  rascality;  and 
now  he  is  the  infernalest  wickedest  scoundrel  in  his  native 
village,  and  is  universally  respected,  and  belongs  to  the 
Legislature. 

So  you  see  there  never  was  a  bad  James  in  the  Sunday 
school  books  that  had  such  a  streak  of  luck  as  this  sinful 
Thn  with  the  charmed  life. 


THE  STORY   OF  THE   GOOD   LITTLE  BOY.  4." 


THE  STORY  OF  THE  GOOD  LITTLE  BOY. 


ONCE  there  was  a  good  little  boy  by  the  name  of  Jacob 
Blivens.  He  always  obeyed  his  parents,  no  matter 
how  absurd  and  unreasonable  their  demands  were ;  and  he 
always  learned  his  book,  and  never  was  late  at  Sabbath 
school.  He  would  not  play  hookey,  even  when  his  sober 
judgment  told  him  it  was  the  most  profitable  thing  he 
could  do.  None  of  the  other  boys  could  ever  make  that 
boy  out,  he  acted  so  strangely.  He  wouldn't  lie,  no  mat 
ter  how  convenient  it  was.  He  just  said  it  was  wrong 
to  lie,  and  that  was  sufficient  for  him.  And  he  was  so 
honest  that  he  was  simply  ridiculous.  The  curious  ways 
that  that  Jacob  had,  surpassed  everything.  He  wouldn't 
play  marbles  on  Sunday,  he  wouldn't  rob  birds'  nests,  he 
wouldn't  give  hot  pennies  to  organ-grinders'  monkeys  ; 
he  didn't  seem  to  take  any  interest  in  any  kind  of  ration 
al  amusement.  So  the  other  boys  used  to  try  to  reason 
it  out  and  come  to  an  understanding  of  him,  but  they 
couldn't  arrive  at  any  satisfactory  conclusion.  As  I  said 
before,  they  could  only  figure  out  a  sort  of  vague  idea 
that  he  was  "  afflicted,"  and  so  they  took  him  under  their 
protection,  and  never  allowed  any  harm  to  come  to  him. 
This  good  little  boy  read  all  the  Sunday  school  books  ; 


46  SKETCHES  BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

they   were  his   greatest   delight.     This  was   the   whole 
secret  of  it.     He  believed  in  the  good  little  boys  they  put 
in  the  Sunday  school  books  ;  he  had  every  confidence  in 
them.     He  longed  to  come  across  one  of  them  alive,  once  ; 
but  he  never  did.     They  all  died  before  his  time,  maybe. 
Whenever  he  read  about  a  particularly  good  one  he  turn 
ed  over  quickly  to  the  end  to  see  what  became  of  him, 
because  he  wanted  to  travel  thousands  of  miles  and  gaze 
on   him ;  but  it  wasn't  any  use ;   that  good   little   boy 
always  died  in  the  last  chapter,  and  there  was  a  picture 
of   the  funeral,  with  all  his   relations   and  the   Sunday 
school  children  standing  around  the  grave  in  pantaloons 
that  were  too  short,  and  bonnets  that  were  too  large,  and 
everybody  crying  into  handkerchiefs  that  had  as  much  as 
a  yard  and  a  half  of  stuff  in  them.     He  was  always  headed 
off  in  this  way.     He  never  could  see  one  of  those  good  little 
boys  on  account  of  his  always  dying  in  the  last  chapter. 
Jacob   had  a  noble  ambition  to  be  put  in   a  Sunday 
school  book.     He  wanted  to  be  put  in,  with  pictures  re 
presenting  him  gloriously  declining  to  lie  to  his  mother, 
and  her  weeping  for  joy  about  it ;  and  pictures  represent 
ing  him  standing  on  the  doorstep  giving  a  penny  to  a 
poor  beggar-woman  with  six  children,  and  telling  her  to 
spend  it  freely,  but  not  to  be  extravagant,  because  extra 
vagance  is  a  sin ;  and  pictures  of  him  magnanimously  re 
fusing  to  tell  on  the  bad  boy  who  always  lay  in  wait  for 
him  around  the  corner  as  he  came  from  school,  and  welt 
ed  him  over  the  head  with  a  lath,  and  then  chased  him 
home,  saying,  "  Hi !  hi ! "  as  he  proceeded.     That  was  the 


THE  STORY   OF   THE   GOOD   LITTLE  BOY.  47 

ambition  of"  young  Jacob  Blivens.  He  wished  to  be  put 
in  a  Sunday  school  book.  It  made  him  feel  a  little  un 
comfortable  sometimes  when  he  reflected  that  the  good 
little  boys  always  died.  He  loved  to  live,  you  know,  and 
this  was  the  most  unpleasant  feature  about  being  a  Sun 
day  school  book  boy.  He  knew  it  was  not  healthy  to  be 
good.  He  knew  it  was  more  fatal  than  consumption  to 
be  so  supernaturally  good  as  the  boys  in  the  books  were ; 
he  knew  that  none  of  them  had  ever  been  able  to  stand 
it  long,  and  it  pained  him  to  think  that  if  they  put  him 
in  a  book  he  wouldn't  ever  see  it,  or  even  if  they  did  get 
the  book  out  before  he  died  it  wouldn't  be  popular  with 
out  any  picture  of  his  funeral  in  the  back  part  of  it.  It 
couldn't  be  much  of  a  Sunday  school  book  that  couldn't 
tell  about  the  advice  he  gave  to  the  community  when  he 
was  dying.  So  at  last,  of  course,  he  had  to  make  up  his 
mind  to  do  the  best  he  could  under  the  circumstances — to 
live  right,  and  hang  on  as  long  as  he  could,  and  have  his 
dying  speech  all  ready  when  his  time  came. 

But  somehow  nothing  ever  went  right  with  this  good 
little  boy ;  nothing  ever  turned  out  with  him  the  way  it 
turned  out  with  the  good  little  boys  in  the  books.  They 
always  had  a  good  time,  and  the  bad  boys  had  the  broken 
legs ;  but  in  his  case  there  was  a  screw  loose  somewhere, 
and  it  all  happened  just  the  other  way.  When  he  found 
Jim  Blake  stealing  apples,  and  went  under  the  tree  to 
read  to  him  about  the  bad  little  boy  who  fell  out  of  a 
neighbour's  apple-tree  and  broke  his  arm,  Jim  fell  out  of 
the  tree  too,  but  he  fell  on  him,  and  broke  his  arm,  and 


43  SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

Jim  wasn't  hurt  at  all.  Jacob  couldn't  understand  that. 
There  wasn't  anything  in  the  books  like  it. 

And  once,  when  some  bad  boys  pushed  a  blind  man 
over  in  the  mud,  and  Jacob  ran  to  help  him  up  and  re 
ceive  his  blessing,  the  blind  man  did  not  give  him  any 
blessing  at  all,  but  whacked  him  over  the  head  with  his 
stick  and  said  he  would  like  to  catch  him  shoving  him 
again,  and  then  pretending  to  help  him  up.  This  was  not 
in  accordance  with  any  of  the  books.  Jacob  looked  them 
all  over  to  see. 

One  thing  that  Jacob  wanted  to  do  was  to  find  a  lame 
dog  that  hadn't  any  place  to  stay  and  was  hungry  and 
persecuted,  and  bring  him  home  and  pet  him  and  have 
that  dog's  imperishable  gratitude.  And  at  last  he  found 
one  and  was  happy;  and  he  brought  him  home  and  fed 
him,  but  when  he  was  going  to  pet  him  the  dog  flew  at 
him  and  tore  all  the  clothes  off  him  except  those  that 
were  in  front,  and  made  a  spectacle  of  him  that  was 
astonishing.  He  examined  authorities,  but  he  could  not 
understand  the  matter.  It  was  of  the  same  breed  of 
dogs  that  was  in  the  books,  but  it  acted  very  differently. 
Whatever  this  boy  did  he  got  into  trouble.  The  very 
things  the  boys  in  the  books  got  rewarded  for  turned  out 
to  be  about  the  most  unprofitable  things  he  could  in 
fest  in. 

Once,  when  he  was  on  his  way  to  Sunday-school,  he 
saw  some  bad  boys  starting  off  pleasuring  in  a  sail-boat. 
He  was  filled  with  consternation,  because  he  knew  from 
his  reading  that  boys  who  went  sailing  on  Sunday  in  van- 


THE  STOKY   OF   THE   GOOD   LITTLE   BOY.  40 

ably  got  drowned.  So  he  ran  out  on  a  raft  to  warn 
them,  but  a  lo<»*  turned  with  him  and  slid  him  into  the 

'  O 

river  A.  man  got  him  out  pretty  soon,  and  the  doctor 
pumped  the  water  out  of  him,  and  gave  him  a  fresh  star,, 
with  his  bellows,  but  he  caught  cold  and  lay  sick  a-bed 
nine  weeks.  But  the  most  unaccountable  thing  about  it 
was  that  the  bad  boys  in  the  boat  had  a  good  time  all 
day,  and  then  reached  home  alive  and  well  in  the  most 
surprising  manner.  Jacob  Blivens  said  there  was  noth 
ing  like  these  things  in  the  books.  He  was  perfectly 
dumbfounded. 

When  he  got  well  he  was  a  little  discouraged,  but  he 
resolved  to  keep  on  trying  anyhow.  He  knew  that  so 
far  his  experiences  wouldn't  do  to  go  in  a  book,  but  he 
hadn't  yet  reached  the  allotted  term  of  life  for  good  little 
boys,  and  he  hoped  to  be  able  to  make  a  record  yet  if 
he  could  hold  on  till  his  time  was  fully  up.  If  everything 
else  failed  he  had  his  dying  speech  to  fall  back  on. 

He  examined  his  authorities,  and  found  that  it  was 
now  time  for  him  to  go  to  sea  as  a  cabin-boy.  He  called 
on  a  ship  captain  and  made  his  application,  and  when  the 
captain  asked  for  his  recommendations  he  proudly  drew 
out  a  tract  and  pointed  to  the  words,  "To  Jacob  Blivens, 
from  his  affectionate  teacher."  But  the  captain  was  a 
coarse,  vulgar  man,  and  he  said,  "Oh,  that  be  blowed! 
that  wasn't  any  proof  that  he  knew  how  to  wash  dishes 
or  handle  a  slush-bucket,  and  he  guessed  he  didn't  want 
him."  This  was  altogether  the  most  extraordinary  thing 
that  ever  happened  to  Jacob  in  aD  his  life.  A  compli- 


50  SKETCHES   BY    MAltK    TWAIN. 

ment  from  a  teacher,  on  a  tract,  had  never  failed  to  move 
the  tenderest  emotions  of  ship  captains,  and  open  the  way 
to  all  offices  of  honour  and  profit  in  their  gift — it  never 
had  in  any  book  that  ever  he  had  read.  He  could  hardly 
believe  his  senses. 

The  boy  always  had  a  hard  time  of  it.  Nothing  ever 
came  out  according  to  the  authorities  with  him.  At  last, 
one  day,  when  he  was  around  hunting  up  bad  little  boys 
to  admonish,  he  found  a  lot  of  them  in  the  old  iron 
foundry  fixing  up  a  little  joke  on  fourteen  or  fifteen  dogs, 
which  they  had  tied  together  in  long  procession,  and  were 
going  to  ornament  with  empty  nitro-glycerine  cans  made 
fast  to  their  tails.  Jacob's  heart  was  touched.  He  sat 
down  on  one  of  those  cans  (for  he  never  minded  grease 
when  duty  was  before  him),  and  he  took  hold  of  the  fore 
most  dog  by  the  collar,  and  turned  his  reproving  eye  upon 
wicked  Tom  Jones.  But  just  at  that  moment  Alderman 
McWelter,  full  of  wrath,  stepped  in.  All  the  bad  boys 
ran  away,  but  Jacob  Blivens  rose  in  conscious  innocence 
and  began  one  of  those  stately  little  Sunday-school-book 
speeches  which  always  commence  with  "Oh,  sir!"  in  dead 
opposition  to  the  fact  that  no  boy,  good  or  bad,  ever  starts 
a  remark  with  "  Oh,  sir.'"'  But  the  alderman  never  waited 
to  hear  the  rest.  He  took  Jacob  Blivens  by  the  ear  and 
turned  him  around,  and  hit  him  a  whack  in  the  rear  with 
the  flat  of  his  hand;  and  in  an  instant  that  good  little 
boy  shot  out  through  the  roof  and  soared  away  towards 
the  sun,  with  the  fragments  of  those  fifteen  dogs  stringing 
after  him  like  the  tail  of  a  kite.  And  there  wasn't  a  sign 


THE   STORY   OF   THE   GOOD   LITTLE   BOY.  51 

of  that  alderman  or  that  old  iron  foundry  left  on  the  face 
of  the  earth;  and,  as  for  young  Jacob  Blivens,  he  never 
got  a  chance  to  make  his  last  dying  speech  after  all  his 
trouble  fixing  it  up,  unless  he  made  it  to  the  birds;  be 
cause,  although  the  bulk  of  him  came  down  all  right  in  a 
tree-top  in  an  adjoining  county,  the  rest  of  him  was  appor 
tioned  around  among  four  townships,  and  so  they  had  to 
hold  five  inquests  on  him  to  find  out  whether  he  was 
dead  or  not,  and  how  it  occurred.  You  never  saw  a  boy 
scattered  so.* 

Thus  perished  the  good  little  boy  who  did  the  best  he 
could,  but  didn't  come  out  according  to  the  books.  Every 
boy  who  ever  did  as  he  did  prospered  except  him.  His 
case  is  truly  remarkably.  It  will  probably  never  be  ac 
counted  for. 

*  This  glycerine  catastrophe  is  borrowed  from  a  floating  newspaper  item, 
whose  author's  name  I  would  give  if  I  knew  it. — [M.  T.J 


52  SKETCHES   I3x    MAftK  TWAIN. 


EXPERIENCE    OF    THE    McWILLIAMSES    WITH 
MEMBRANOUS  CROUP. 

AS  RELATED  TO  THE  AUTHOR  OF  THIS  BOOK  BY  MR.  MC- 
WILLIAMS,  A  PLEASANT  NEW  YORK  GENTLEMAN  WHOM 
THE  SAID  AUTHOR  MET  BY  CHANCE  ON  A  JOURNEY. 


WELL,  to  go  back  to  where  I  'was  before  I  digressed 
to  explain  to  you  how  that  frightful  and  incurable 
disease,  membranous  croup,  was  ravaging  the  town  and 
driving  all  mothers  mad  with  terror,  I  called  Mrs.  Mc- 
Williams'  attention  to  little  Penelope  and  said : 

"  Darling,  I  wouldn't  let  that  child  be  chewing  that  pine 
stick  if  I  were  you." 

"  Precious,  where  is  the  harm  in  it  ? "  said  she,  but  at  the 
same  time  preparing  to  take  away  the  stick — for  women 
cannot  receive  even  the  most  palpably  judicious  suggestion 
without  arguing  it ;  that  is,  married  women. 
[   I  replied : 

"  Love,  it  is  notorious  that  pine  is  the  least  nutritious 
wood  that  a  child  can  eat." 

My  wife's  hand  paused,  in  the  act  of  taking  the  stick, 
and  returned  itself  to  her  lap.  She  bridled  perceptibly, 
and  lsaid : 


MEMBRANOUS  CROUP.  53 

"  Hubby,  you  know  better  than  that.     You  know  you 

do.     Doctors  all  say  that  the  turpentine  in  pine  wood  is 

ood  for  -weak  back 


"  Ah  —  I  was  under  a  misapprehension.  I  did  not  know 
that  the  child's  kitfeeys-aad  spine  w$£k-affected,  and  that 
the  family  physician  had  recommended  — 

"  Who  said  the  child's  spine  andJddrieyfi  were  affected  ?  " 

"  My  love,  you  intimated  it." 

"  The  idea  !     I  never  intimated  anything  of  the  kind." 

"  Why,  my  dear,  it  hasn't  been  two  minutes  since  you 
said—" 

"  Bother  what  I  said  !  I  don't  care  what  I  did  say. 
There  isn't  any  harm  in  the  child's  chewing  a  bit  of  pine 
stick  if  she  wants  to,  and  you  know  it  perfectly  well. 
And  she  shall  chew  it,  too.  So  there  now  !  " 

"  Say  no  more,  my  dear.  I  now  see  the  force  of  your 
reasoning,  and  I  will  go  and  order  two  or  three  cords  of 
the  best  pine  wood  to-day.  No  child  of  mine  shall  want 
while  I—  » 

"  0  please  go  along  to  your  office  and  let  me  have  some 
peace.  A  body  can  never  make  the  simplest  remark  but 
you  must  take  it  up  and  go  to  arguing  and  arguing  and 
arguing  till  you  don't  know  what  you  are  talking  about, 
and  you  never  do." 

«  Very  well,  it  shall  be  as  you  say.  But  there  is  a  want 
of  logic  in  your  last  remark  which  — 

However  she  was  gone  with  a  flourish  before  I  could 
finish,  and  had  taken  the  child  with  her.  That  night  at 
dinner  she  confronted  me  with  a  face  as  white  as  a  sheet. 


54  SKETCKES  BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

"  0,  Mortimer,  there's  another  !     Little  Georgia  Gordon 
is  taken." 

"  Membranous  croup  ? " 
"  Membranous  croup." 
"  Is  there  any  hope  for  him  ? " 

"  None  in  the  wide  world.  Oh,  what  is  to  become  of  us ! " 
By  and  by  a  nurse  brought  in  our  Penelope  to  say  good 
night  and  offer  the  customary  prayer  at  the  mother's  knee. 
In  the  midst  of  "  Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep,"  she  gave 
a  slight  cough  !  My  wife  fell  back  like  one  stricken  with 
death.  But  the  next  moment  she  was  up  and  brimming 
with  the  activities  which  terror  inspires. 

She  commanded  that  the  child's  crib  be  removed  from 
the  nursery  to  our  becUraom ;  and  she  went  along  to  see 
the  order  executed,  f  She  took  me  with  her,  fpf  course. 
We  got  matters  arranger!  with  speed.  A  cot  bed  was  put 
up  in  my  wife's  dressing  room  for  the  nurse.  But  novr 
Mrs.  Me  Williams  said  we  were  too  far  away  from  the 
other  baby,  and  what  if  he  were  to  have  the  symptoms 
in  the  night — and  she  blanched  again,  poor  thing. 

We  then  restored  the  crib  and  the  nurse  to  the  nursery 
and  put  up  a  bed  for  ourselves  in  a  room  adjoining. 

Presently,  however,  Mrs.  Me  Williams  said, "  Suppose  the 
baby  should  catch  it  from  Penelope  ? "  This  thought  struck 
a  new  panic  to  her  heart,  and  the  tribe  of  us  could  not  get 
the  crib  out  of  the  nursery  again  fast  enough  to  satisfy 
my  wife,  though  she  assisted  in  her  own  person  and  well 
nigh  pulled  the  crib  to  pieces  in  her  frantic  hurry. 

We  moved  down  stairs ;  but  there  was  no  place  there 


MEMBRANOUS    CROUP,  55 

fco  stow  the  nurse,  and  Mrs.  McWilliams  said  the  nurse's 
experience  would  be  an  inestimable  help.  So  we  re 
turned,  bag  and  baggage,  to  our  own  bed-room  once  more, 
r,:id  felt  a  great  gladness,  like  storm-bufteted  birds  that 
have  foundrtheir  nests  again. 

Mrs.  MeWiiliama.sped  to  "ftie  nursery  to  see  how  things 
were  going  on  there.  She  was  back  in  a  moment  with  a 
new  dread.  She  said : 

"  What  can  make  Baby  sleep  so  ?" 

I  said:  ) 

"  Why,  my  darling,  Baby  always  sleeps  like  a  graven 
image." 

"  I  know.  I  know ;  but  there's  something  peculiar 
about  his  sleep,  now.  He  seems  to — to — he  seems  to 
breathe  so  regularly.  0,  this  is  dreadful." 

"  But  my  dear  he  always  breathes  regularly." 

"Oh,  I  know  it,  but  there's  something  frightful  about 
it  now.  His  nurse  is  too  young  and  inexperienced. 
Maria  shall  stay  there  with  her,  and  be  on  hand  if  any 
thing  happens." 

"  That  is  a  good  idea,  but  who  will  help  you  ?" 

"  You  can  help  me  all  I  want.  I  wouldn't  allow  any 
body  to  do  anything  but  myself,  any  how,  at  such  a  time 
as  this." 

I  said  I  would  feel  mean  to  lie  abed  and  sleep,  and 
leave  her  to  watch  and  toil  over  our  little  patient  all  the 
weary  night. — But  she  reconciled  me  to  it.  So  old  Maria 
departed  and  took  up  her  ancient  quarters  in  the  nursery. 

Penelope  coughed  twice  in  her  sleep. 


•56  SKETCHES   BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

"  Oh,  why  don't  that  doctor  come !  Mortimer,  this 
room  is  too  warm.  This  room  is  certainly  too  warm. 
Turn  off  the  register — quick  !" 

I  shut  it  off,  glancing  at  the  thtrmometer  at  the  same 
time,  and  wondering  to  myself  if  70  was  too  warm  for  a 
sick  child. 

The  coachman  arrived  from  down  town,  now,  with  the 
news  that  our  physician  was  ill  and  confined  to  his  bed. — 
Mrs.  McWilliams  turned  a  dead  eye  upon  me,  and  said  in 
a  dead  voice : 

"  There  is  a  Providence  in  it.  It  is  foreordained.  He 
never  was  sick  before. — Never.  We  have  not  been  living 

O 

as  we  ought  to  live,  Mortimer.  Time  and  time  again  I 
have  told  you  so.  Now  you  see  the  result.  Our  child 
will  never  get  well.  Be  thankful  if  you  can  forgive 
yourself ;  I  never  can  forgive  myself." 

I  said,  without  intent  to  hurt,  but  with  heedless  choice 
of  words,  that  I  could  not  see  that  we  had  been  living  such 
an  abandoned  life. 

"  Mortimer  !  Do  you  want  to  bring  the  judgment  upon 
Baby,  too  ! " 

Then  she  began  to  cry,  but  suddenly  exclaimed : 

"  The  doctor  must  have  sent  medicines  I" 

I  said : 

"  Certainly.  They  are  here.  I  was  only  waiting  for 
you  to  give  me  a  chance." 

"  Well  do  give  them  to  me !  Don't  you  know  that  every 
moment  is  precious  now  ?  But  what  was  the  use  in  sending 
medicines,  when  he  knows  that  the  disease  is  incurable  ?" 


MEMBRANOUS   CROUP.  57 

I  said  that  while  there  was  life  there  was  hope. 

"Hope!  Mortimer, /^ou  know  no  more  what  you  are 
talking  about  than  the  child  unborn. ''  If  you  would — . 
As  I  live,  the  directions  say  give  one  teaspoon ful  once  an 
hour  !  Once  an  hour  ! — as  if  we  had  a  whole  year  before 
us  to  save  the  child  in  !  Mortimer,  please  hurry.  Give 
the  poor  perishing  thing  a  table-spoonful,  and  try  to  be 
quick ! " 

"  Why,  my  dear,  a  table-spoonful  might — 

"  Don't  drive  me  frantic  !  .  .  .  .  There,  there,  there,  my 
precious,  my  own ;  it's  nasty  bitter  stuff,  but  it's  good  for 
Nelly-^good  for  Mother's  precious  darling;  and  it  will 
make  iWavell.  There,  there,  there,  put  the  little  head  on 
Mamma's  breast  and  go  £o  sleep,  and  pretty  soon^-Oh,  I 
know  she  can't  live  till  morning!  Mortimer,  a  table- 
spoonful  every  half  hour  will — .  Oh,  the  child  need,-; 
belladoimaijtoos  I  know  she  does — as4  aconite.  Get  them, 
Mortimer.  Now  do  let  me  have  my  way.  You  know  no 
thing  about  these  things." 

^-We  now  went  to  bed,  placing  the  crib  close  to  my  wife's 
pillow.  All  this  turmoil  had  worn  upon  me,  and  within 
two  minutes  I  was  something  more  than  half  asleep.  Mrs. 
Me  Williams  roused  me  : 

"  Darling,  is  that  register  turned  on  ?  " 

"No." 

"  I  thought  as  much.  Please  turn  it  on  at  once.  This 
room  is  cold." 

I  turned  it  on,  and  presently  fell  asleep  again.     I  wa? 
aroused  once  more : 
6 


58  SKETCHES   BY  MARK  TWAIN". 

"  Dearie,  would  you  mind  moving  the  crib  to  your  side 
of  the  bed  ?  It  is  nearer  the  register." 

I  moved  it,  but  had  a  collision  with  the  rug  and  woke 
up  the  child.  I  dozed  off  once  more,  while  my  wife  quieted 
the  sufferer.  But  in  a  little  while  these  words  came  mur 
muring  remotely  through  the  fog  of  my  drowsiness : 

"  Mortimer,  if  we  only  had  some  goose-grease — will  you 
ring?'^ 

I  climbed  dreamily  out,  and  stepped  on  a  cat,  which 
responded  with  a  protest  and  would  have  got  a  convincing 
kick  for  it  if  a  chair  had  not  got  it  instead. 

"  Now,  Mortimer,  why  do  you  want  to  turn  up  the  gas 
and  wake  up  the  child  again  ?  " 

"  Because  I  want  to  see  how  much  I  am  hurt,  Caroline." 

"  Well  look  at  the  chair,  too — I  have  no  doubt  it  is 
ruined.  Poor  cat,  suppose  you  had — " 

"  Now  I  am  not  going  to  suppose  anything  about  the 
cat.  It  never  would  have  occurred  if  Maria  had  been  al 
lowed  to  remain  here  and  attend  to  these  duties,  which 
are  in  her  line  and  are  not  in  mine." 

"  Now  Mortimer,  I  should  think  you  would  be  ashamed 
to  make  a  remark  like  that.  It  is  a  pity  if  you  cannot 
do  the  few  little  things  I  ask  of  you  at  such  an  awful 
time  as  this  when  our  child — 

"  There,  there,  I  will  do  anything  you  want.  But  I 
can't  raise  anybody  with  this  bell.  They're  all  gone  to 
bed.  Where  is  the  goose-grease  ?  " 

"  On  the  mantel-piece  in  the  nursery.  If  you'll  step 
there  and  speak  to  Maria — " 


MEMBRANOUS    CROUP.  59 

__  I  fetched  the  goose  grease  and  went  to  sleep  again  : 
j    Once  more  I  was  called  : 

"  Mortimer,  I  so  hate  to  disturb  you,  but  the  room  is 
still  too  cold  for  me  to  try  to  apply  this  stuff.  Would 
you  mind  lighting  the  fire  ?  It  is  all  ready  to  touch  a 
match  to." 

I  dragged  myself  out  and  lit  the  fire,  and  then  sat  down 
disconsolate. 

"  Mortimer,  don't  sit  there  and  catch  your  death  of  cold. 
Come  to  bed." 

As  I  was  stepping  in,  she  said  : 

"  But  wait  a  moment.  Please  give  the  child  some  more 
of  the  medicine." 

Which  I  did.  It  was  a  medicine  which  made  a  child 
more  or  less  lively  ;  so  my  wife  made  use  of  its  waking  in 
terval  to  strip  it  and  grease  it  all  over  with  goose-oil.  I 
was  soon  asleep  once  more,  "but  once  more  I  had  to  get  up. 

"  Mortimer,  I  feel  a  draft.  I  feel  it  distinctly.  There 
is  nothing  so  bad  for  this  disease  as  a  draft.  Please  move 
the  crib  in  front  of  the  fire." 

I  did  it  ;  and  collided  with  the  rug  again,  which  I  threw 
in  the  fire.  Mrs.  Me  Williams  sj^^-^ttt^r^'tJedrTc 


cued  it  and  we  had  some  words.     I  had  another  trifling  in 
terval  of  sleep,  and  then  got  up,  by  request,  and  construct- 
.  ed  a  flax-seed  po  ""tice.     This  was  placed  upon  the  child's 
.•  breast  and  left  there  to  do  its'  healing  work. 

A  wood  fire  is  not  a  permanent  thing.  I  got  up  every 
twenty  minutes  and  renewed  ours}  and  this  gave  Mrs.  Mc- 
Williams  the  opportunity  to  shorten  the  times  of  giving 


60  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

the  medicines  by  ten  minutes,  which  was  a  great  satisfac 
tion  to  her.  Now  and  then,  between  times,  I  reorganized 
the  flax-seed  poultices,  and  applied  sinapisms  and  other 
sorts  of  blisters  where  unoccupied  places  could  be  found 
upon  the  child.  Well,  toward  morning  the  wood  gave  out 
and  my  wife  wanted  me  to  go  down  cellar  and  get  some 
more.  I  said : 

"  My  dear,  it  is  a  laborious  job,  and  the  child  must  be 
nearly  warm  enough,  with  her  extra  clothing.  Now 
mightn't  we  put  on  another  layer  of  poultices  and — 

I  did  not  finish,  because  I  was  interrupted.  I  lugged 
wood  up  from  below  for  some  little  time,  and  then  turned 
in  and  fell  to  snoring  as  only  a  man  can  whose  strength 
is  all  gone  and  whose  soul  is  worn  out.  \  Just  at  broad 
daylight  I  felt  a  grip  on  my  shoulder  *tKat  brought  me  to 
my  senses  suddenly. — My  wife  was  glaring  down  upon  me 
and  gasping.  As  soon  as  she  could  command  her  tongue 
she  said : 

"It  is  all  over !  All  over !  The  child's  perspiring !  What 
shall  we  do  ?" 

"  Mercy,  how  you  terrify  me !  I  don't  know  what  we 
ought  to  do.  Maybe  if  we  scraped  her  and  put  her  in  the 
draft  again — 

"  0,  idiot !  There  is  not  a  moment  to  lose  !  Go  for  the 
doctor.  Go  yourself.  Tell  him  he  must  come,  dead  or 
alive." 

I  dragged  that  poor  sick  man  from  his  bed  and  brought 
him.  He  looked  at  the  child  and  said  she  was  not  dying. 
This  was  joy  unspeakable  to  me,  but  it  made  my  wife  as 


MEMBRANOUS   CROUP.  61 

mad  as  if  he  had  offered  her  a  personal  affront.  Then  he 
said  the  child's  cough  was  only  caused  by  some  trifling 
irritation  or  other  in  the  throat.  At  this  I  thought  my 
wife  had  a  mind  to  show  him  the  door. — Now  the  doctor 
said  he  would  make  the  child  cough  harder  and  dislodge 
the  trouble.  So  he  gave  her  something  that  sent  her  into 
a  spasm  of  coughing,  and  presently  up  came  a  little  wood 
splinter  or  so. 

"  This  child  has  no  membranous  croup/'  said  he.  "  She 
has  been  chewing  a  bit  of  pine  shingle  or  something  of  the 
kind,  and  got  some  little  slivers  in  her  throat.  They 
wont  do  her  any  hurt." 

"  No,"  said  I,  "  I  can  well  believe  that.  Indeed,  the  tur 
pentine  that  is  in  them  is  very  good  for  certain  sorts  of 
diseases  that  are  peculiar  to  children.  My  wife  will  tell 
you  so." 

But  she  did  not.  She  turned  away  in  disdain  and  left 
the  room  ;  and  since  that  time  there  is  one  episode  in  our 
life  which  we  never  refer  to.  Hence  the  tide  of  our  days 
flows  by  in  deep  and  untroubled  serenity. 

[Very  few  married  men  have  such  an  experience  as  McWilliams'  and  so 
the  author  of  this  book  thought  that  maybe  the  novelty  of  it  would  give  it  a 
passing  interest  to  the  reader.] 


02  SKETCHES   BY    MAKK   TWAIN. 


SOME  LEARNED  FABLES,  FOR  GOOD  OLD 
BOYS  AND  GIRLS. 


In  Three  Parts. 

PART  FIRST. 

HOW  THE  ANIMALS  OF  THE  WOOD  SENT  OUT  A 
SCIENTIFIC  EXPEDITION. 


ONCE  the  creatures  of  the  forest  held  a  great  convention 
and  appointed  a  commission  consisting  of  the  most 
illustrious  scientists  among  them  to  go  forth,  clear  beyond 
the  forest  and  out  into  the  unknown  and  unexplored  world, 
to  verify  the  truth  of  the  matters  already  taught  in  their 
schools  and  colleges  and  also  to  make  discoveries.  It  was 
the  most  imposing  enterprise  of  the  kind  the  nation  had 
ever  embarked  in.  True,  the  government  had  once  sent 
I  )r.  Bull  Frog,  with  a  picked  crew,  to  hunt  for  a  north 
westerly  passage  through  the  swamp  to  the  right-hand 
corner  of  the  wood,  and  had  since  sent  out  many  expedi 
tions  to  hunt  for  Dr.  Bull  Frog ;  but  they  never  could 
find  him,  and  so  Government  finally  gave  him  up  and  en 
nobled  his  mother  to  show  its  gratitude  for  the  services 
her  son  had  rendered  to  science.  And  once  Government 


FABLES   FOR   GOOD    OLD    COYS   AND   GIRLS.  0^ 

sent  Sir  Grass  Hopper  to  hunt  for  the  sources  of  the  rill 
that  emptied  into  the  swamp  ;  and  afterwards  sent  out 
many  expeditions  to  hunt  for  Sir  Grass,  and  at  last  they 
were  successful — they  found  his  body,  but  if  he  had  dis 
covered  the  sources  meantime,  he  did  not  let  on.  So 
Government  acted  handsomely  by  deceased  and  many  en 
vied  his  funeral. 

But  these  expeditions  were  trifles  compared  with  the 
present  one ;  for  this  one  comprised  among  its  servants 
the  very  greatest  among  the  learned  ;  and  besides  it  was 
to  go  to  the  utterly  unvisited  regions  believed  to  lie 
beyond  the  mighty  forest — as  we  have  remarked  before. 
How  the  members  were  banqueted, and  glorified,  and  talked 
about!  Everywhere  that  one  of  them  showed  himself, 
straightway  there  was  a  crowd  to  gape  and  stare  at  him. 

Finally  they  set  off,  and  it  was  a  sight  to  see  the  long- 
procession  of  dry-land  Tortoises  heavily  laden  with 
savans,  scientific  instruments,  Glow- Worms  and  Fire-Flies 
for  signal-service,  provisions,  Ants  and  Tumble-Bugs  to 
fetch  and  carry  and  delve,  Spiders  to  carry  the  surveying 
chain  and  do  other  engineering  duty,  and  so  forth  and  so 
on ;  and  after  the  Tortoises  came  another  long  train  of 
iron-clads — stately  and  spacious  Mud  Turtles  for  marine 
transportation  service';  and  from  every  Tortoise  and  every 
Turtle  flaunted  a  flaming  gladiolus  or  other  splendid 
banner;  at  the  head  of  the  column  a  great  band  of  Bumble- 
Bees,  Mosquitoes,  Katy-dids  and  Crickets  discoursed  mar 
tial  music;  and  the  entire  train  was  under  the  escort  and 
protection  of  .twelve  picked  regiments  of  the  Army  Worm. 


64  SKETCHES  BY   MAHK    TWAIN. 

At  the  end  of  three  weeks  the  expedition  emerged  from 
the  forest  and  looked  upon  the  great  Unknown  World. 
Their  eyes  were  greeted  with  an  impressive  spectacle.  A 
vast  level  plain  stretched  before  them,  watered  by  a 
sinuous  stream;  and  beyond,  there  towered  up  against 
the  sky  a  long  and  lofty  barrier  of  some  kind,  they  did 
not  know  what.  The  Tumble-Bug  said  he  believed  it  was 
simply  land  tilted  up  on  its  edge,  because  he  knew  he 
could  see  trees  on  it.  But  Prof.  Snail  and  the  others  said  : 

"You  are  hired  to  dig,  sir — that  is  all.  We  need  your 
muscle,  not  your  brains.  When  we  want  your  opinion  on 
scientific  matters,  we  will  hasten  to  let  you  know.  Your 
coolness  is  intolerable,  too — loafing  about  here  meddling 
with  august  matters  of  learning,  when  the  other  labourers 
are  pitching  camp.  Go  along  and  help  handle  the  baggage." 

The  Tumble-Bug  turned  on  his  heel  uncrushed,  un 
abashed,  observing  to  himself,  "  if  it  isn't  land  tilted  up, 
let  me  die  the  death  of  the  unrighteous." 

Professor  Bull  Frog,  (nephew  of  the  late  explorer,)  said 
he  believed  the  ridge  was  the  wall  that  enclosed  the  earth. 
He  continued : 

"Our  fathers  have  left  us  much  learning,  but  they  had 
not  travelled  far,  and  so  we  may  count  this  a  noble,  new  dis 
covery.  We  are  safe  for  renown,  now,  even  though  our 
labours  began  and  ended  with  this  single  achievement.  I 
wonder  what  this  wall  is  built  of  ?  Can  it  be  fungus  ? 
Fungus  is  an  honourable  good  thing  to  build  a  wall  of." 

Professor  Snail  adjusted  his  field -glass  and  examined 
the  rampart  critically.  Finally  he  said : 


FABLES    FOE    floOl)   OLD    ROVS    AND    OWLS.  C5 


"  The  fact  that  it  is  not  diaphanous,  convinces  me  that 
it  is  a  dense  vapour  formed  by  the  calorification  of  ascend 
ing  moisture  dephlogisticated  by  refraction.  A  few  en- 
diometrical  experiments  would  confirm  this,  but  it  is  not 
necessary.  —  The  thing  is  obvious." 

So  he  shut  up  his  glass  and  went  into  his  shell  to  make  a 
note  of  the  discovery  of  the  world's  end,  and  the  nature  of  it. 

"Profound  mind  !"  said  Professor  Angle-  Worm  to  Pro 
fessor  Field-Mouse  ;  "profound  mind  !  nothing  can  long 
long  remain  a  mystery  to  that  august  brain." 

Night  drew  on  apace,  the  sentinel  crickets  were  posted, 
the  Glow-  Worm  and  Fire-Fly  lamps  were  lighted,  and  the 
camp  sang  to  silence  and  sleep.  After  breakfast  in  the 
morning,  the  expedition  moved  on.  About  noon  a  great 
avenue  was  reached,  which  had  in  it  two  endless  parallel 
bars  of  some  kind  of  hard  black  substance,  raised  the  height 
of  the  tallest  Bull  Frog  above  the  general  level.  The  scien 
tists  climbed  up  on  these  and  examined  and  tested  them 
in  various  ways.  They  walked  along  them  for  a  great 
distance,  but  found  no  end  and  no  break  in  them.  They 
could  arrive  at  no  decision.  There  was  nothing  in  the 
records  of  science  that  mentioned  anything  of  this  kind. 
But  at  last  the  bald  and  venerable  geographer,  Professor 
Mud  Turtle,  a  person  who,  born  poor,  and  of  a  drudging 
low  family,  had,  by  his  own  native  force  raised  himself  to 
the  headship  of  the  geographers  of  his  generation,  said  : 

"  My  friends,  we  have  indeed  made  a  discovery  here. 
We  have  found  in  a  palpable,  compact  and  imperishable 
state  what  the  wisest  of  our  fathers  always  regarded  as  a 


66  SKETCHES   EY   MARK   WAIN. 

mere  thing  of  imagination.  Humble  yourselves,  my 
friends,  for  we  stand  in  a  majestic  presence.  These  are 
parallels  of  latitude !" 

Every  heart  and  every  head  was  bowed,  so  awful,  so 
sublime  was  the  magnitude  of  the  discovery.  Many  shed 
tears. 

The  camp  was  pitched  and  the  rest  of  the  day  given 
up  to  writing  voluminous  accounts  of  the  marvel,  and 
correcting  astronomical  tables  to  fit  it.  Toward  midnight 
a  demoniacal  shriek  was  heard,  then  a  clattering  and 
rumbling  noise,  and  the  next  instant  a  vast  terrific  eye 
shot  by,  with  a  long  tail  attached,  and  disappeared  in  the 
gloom,  still  uttering  triumphant  shrieks. 

The  poor  camp  labourers  were  stricken  to  the  heart  with 
fright,  and  stampeded  for  the  high  grass  in  a  body.  But 
not  the  scientists.  They  had  no  superstitions.  They 
calmly  proceeded  to  exchange  theories.  The  ancient  geo 
grapher's  opinion  was  asked.  He  went  into  his  shell  and 
deliberated  long  and  profoundly.  When  he  came  out  at 
last,  they  all  knew  by  his  worshipping  countenance  that  he 
brought  light.  Said  he: 

"  Give  thanks  for  this  stupendous  thing  which  we  have 
been  permitted  to  witness. — It  is  the  Vernal  Equinox !" 

There  was  shoutings  and  great  rejoicings. 

"  But,"  said  the  Angle-worm,  uncoiling  after  reflection, 
"  this  is  dead  summer  time." 

"Yery  well,"  said  the  Turtle,  "we  are  far  from  our 
region ;  the  season  differs  with  the  difference  of  time  be 
tween  the  two  points," 


FABLES   FOR   GOOD   OLD    BOYS   AND   GTllLS.  67 

"Ah,  true.  True  enough.  But  it  is  night.  How 
should  the  sun  pass  in  the  night  ?" 

"  In  these  distant  regions  he  doubtless  passes  always  in 
the  night  at  this  hour." 

"  Yes,  doubtless  that  is  true.  But  it  being  night,  how 
is  it  that  we  could  see  him  ? " 

"  It  is  a  great  mystery.  I  grant  that.  But  I  am  per 
suaded  that  the  humidity  of  the  atmosphere  in  these  re 
mote  regions  is  such  that  particles  of  daylight  adhere  to 
the  disk  and  it  was  by  aid  of  these  that  we  were  enabled 
to  see  the  sun  in  the  dark." 

This  was  deemed  satisfactory,  and  due  entry  was  made 
of  the  decision. 

But  about  this  moment  those  dreadful  shriekings  were 
heard  again ;  again  the  rumbling  and  thundering  came 
speeding  up  out  of  the  night ;  and  once  more  a  flaming 
great  eye  flashed  by  and  lost  itself  in  gloom  and  distance. 

The  camp  labourers  gave  themselves  up  for  lost.  The 
savants  were  sorely  perplexed.  Here  was  a  marvel  hard  to 
account  for.  They  thought  and  they  talked,  they  talked 
and  they  thought. — Finally  the  learned  and  aged  Lord 
Grand-Daddy-Longlegs,  who  had  been  sitting,  in  deep 
study,  with  his  slender  limbs  crossed  and  his  stemmy  arms 
folded,  said: 

"  Deliver  your  opinions,  brethren,  and  then  I  will  tell 
my  thought — for  I  think  I  have  solved  this  problem." 

"  So  be  it,  good  your  lordship,"  piped  the  weak  treble 
of  the  wrinkled  and  withered  Professor  Woodlouse,  "  for 
we  shall  hear  from  your  lordship's  lips  naught  but  wia- 


68  SKETCHES  BY    MARK  TWAIN, 

dom." — [Here  the  speaker  threw  in  a  mess  of  trite,  thread 
bare,  exasperating  quotations  from  the  ancient  poets  and 
philosophers,  delivering  them  with  unction  in  the  sound 
ing  grandeurs  of  the  original  tongues,  they  being  from 
the  Mastodon,  the  Dodo,  and  other  dead  languages]. 
"  Perhaps  I  ought  not  to  presume  to  meddle  with  matters 
pertaining  to  astronomy  at  all,  in  such  a  presence  as  this, 
I  who  have  made  it  the  business  of  my  life  to  delve  only 
among  the  riches  of  the  extinct  languages  and  unearth 
the  opulence  of  their  ancient  lore ;  but  still,  as  unacquaint 
ed  as  I  am  with  the  noble  science  of  astronomy,  I  beg 
with  deference  and  humility  to  suggest  that  inasmuch  as 
the  last  of  these  wonderful  apparitions  proceeded  in  ex 
actly  the  opposite  direction  from  that  pursued  by  the  first, 
which  you  decide  to  be  the  Vernal  Equinox,  and  greatly 
resembled  it  in  all  particulars,  is  it  not  possible,  nay  cer 
tain,  that  this  last  is  the  Autumnal  Equi — 

"  O-o-o ! "  "  O-o-o  !  go  to  bed  !  go  to  bed  ! "  with  an 
noyed  derision  from  everybody.  So  the  poor  old  Wood- 
louse  retreated  out  of  sight,  consumed  with  shame. 

Further  discussion  followed,  and  then  the  united  voice 
i>f  the  commission  begged  Lord  Longlegs  to  speak.  He 
said: 

"  Fellow-scientists,  it  is  my  belief  that  we  have  wit 
nessed  a  thing  which  has  occurred  in  perfection  but  once 
before  in  the  knowledge  of  created  beings.  It  is  a  phen 
omenon  of  inconceivable  importance  and  interest,  view  it 
as  one  may,  but  its  interest  to  us  is  vastly  heightened  by 
an  added  knowledge  of  its  nature  which  no  scholar  has. 


FABLES   FOR   GOOD   OLD   BOYS   AND   G1HLS.  69 

heretofore  possessed  or  even  suspected.  This  great  mar 
vel  which  we  have  just  witnessed,  fellow-savants,  (it 
almost  takes  my  breath  away  !)  is  nothing  less  than  the 
transit  of  Venus  !  " 

Every  scholar  sprang  to  his  feet  pale  with  astonishment. 
Then  ensued  tears,  hand  shakings,  frenzied  embraces,  and 
the  most  extravagant  jubilations  of  every  sort.  But  by 
and  by,  as  emotion  began  to  retire  within  bounds,  and 
reflection  to  return  to  the  front,  the  accomplished  Chief 
Inspector  Lizard  observed : 

"  But  how  is  this  ? —  Venus  should  traverse  the  sun's 
surface,  not  the  earth's." 

The  arrow  went  home.  It  carried  sorrow  to  the  breast 
of  every  apostle  of  learning  there,  for  none  could  deny 
that  this  was  a  formidable  criticism.  But  tranquilly  the 
venerable  Duke  crossed  his  limbs  behind  his  ears  and  said : 

"  My  friend  has  touched  the  marrow  of  our  mighty  dis 
covery.  Yes — all  that  have  lived  before  us  thought  a 
transit  of  Venus  consisted  of  a  flight  across  the  sun's  face  ; 
they  thought  it,  they  maintained  it,  they  honestly  believed 
it,  simple  hearts,  and  were  justified  in  it  by  the  limitations 
of  their  knowledge ;  but  to  us  has  been  granted  the  in 
estimable  boon  of  proving  that  the  transit  occurs  across 
the  earth's  face,  for  we  have  SEEN  it ! " 

The  assembled  wisdom  sat  in  speechless  adoration  of 
this  imperial  intellect.  All  doubts  had  instantly  departed, 
like  night  before  the  lightning. 

The  Tumble-Bug  had  just  intruded,  unnoticed.  He 
now  came  reeling  forward  among  the  scholars,  familiarly 


70  SKETCHES  BY   MATIK   TWAIN. 

slapping  first  one  and  then  another  on  the  shoulder,  saying 
"  Nice  fie  !)  nice  old  boy  !  "  and  smiling  a  smile  of  elabo 
rate  content.  Arrived  at  a  good  position  for  speaking,  he 
put  his  left  arm  akimbo  with  his  knuckles  planted  in  his 
hip  just  under  the  edge  of  his  cut-away  coat,  bent  his 
right  leg,  placing  his  toe  on  the  ground  and  resting  his 
heel  with  easy  grace  against  his  left  shin,  puffed  out  his 
aldermanic  stomach,  opened  his  lips,  leaned  his  right 
elbow  on  Inspector  Lizard's  shoulder, — 

But  the  shoulder  was  indignantly  withdrawn  and  the 
hard-handed  son  of  toil  went  to  earth.  He  floundered  a 
bit  but  came  up  smiling,  arranged  his  attitude  with  the 
same  careful  detail  as  before,  only  choosing  Professor 
Dogtick's  shoulder  for  a  support,  opened  his  lips  and — 

Went  to  earth  again.  He  presently  scrambled  up  once 
more,  still  smiling,  made  a  loose  effort  to  brush  the  dust 
off  his  coat  and  legs,  but  a  smart  pass  of  his  hand  missed 
entirely  and  the  force  of  the  unchecked  impulse  slewed 
him  suddenly  around,  twisted  his  legs  together,  and  pro 
jected  him  limber  and  sprawling,  into  the  lap  of  the  Lord 
Longlegs.  Two  or  three  scholars  sprang  forward,  flung 
the  low  creature  head  over  heels  into  a  corner  and  rein 
stated  the  patrician,  smoothing  his  ruffled  dignity  with 
many  soothing  and  regretful  speeches.  Professor  Bull 
Frog  roared  out : 

"  No  more  of  this,  sirrah  Tumble-Bug  !  Say  your  say 
and  then  get  you  about  your  business  with  speed ! — Quick, 
what  is  your  errand  ?  Come  move  off  a  trifle ;  you  smell 
like  a  stable ;  what  have  you  been  at  ? " 


FABLES  FOR  GOOD   OLD  BOYS  AND  GIRLS.  71 

"  Please  ('ic !)  please  your  worship  I  chanced  to  light 
upon  a  find.  But  no  m  (e-uck !)  matter  'bout  that. 

There's  b  ('ic  !)  been  another  find  which beg  pardon 

yer  honours,  what  was  that  th  ('ic !)  thing  that  ripped 
by  here  first  ? " 

"  It  was  the  Vernal  Equinox." 

"Inf('ic!)  fernal  equinox.  'At's  all  right.— D  ('ic!) 
Dunno  him.  What's  other  one  ? " 

"  The  transit  of  Venus." 

"  G  ('ic  !)  Got  me  again.  No  matter.  Las'  one  dropped 
something." 

"  Ah,  indeed !  Good  luck !  Good  news !  Quick — what 
is  it?" 

"  M  ('ic ! )    Mosey  out  'n'  see.     It'll  pay." 

No  more  votes  were  taken  for  four  and  twenty  hours. 
Then  the  following  entry  was  made : 

"  The  commission  went  in  a  body  to  view  the  find.  It 
was  found  to  consist  of  a  hard,  smooth,  huge  object  with 
a  rounded  summit  surmounted  by  a  short  upright  projec 
tion  resembling  a  section  of  a  cabbage  stalk  divided  trans 
versely — This  projection  was  not  solid,  but  was  a  hollow 
cylinder  plugged  with  a  soft  woody  substance  unknown 
to  our  region — that  is,  it  had  been  so  plugged,  but  unfor 
tunately  this  obstruction  had  been  heedlessly  removed 
by  Norway  Rat,  Chief  of  the  Sappers  and  Miners,  before 
our  arrival.  The  vast  object  before  us  so  mysteriously 
conveyed  from  the  glittering  domains  of  space,  was  found 
to  be  hollow  and  nearly  filled  with  a  pungent  liquid  of  a 
brownish  hue,  like  rain-water  that  has  stood  for  some 


72  SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

time.  And  such  a  spectacle  as  met  our  view  !  Norway 
Rat  was  perched  upon  the  summit  engaged  in  thrusting 
his  tail  into  the  cylindrical  projection,  drawing  it  out 
dripping,  permitting  the  struggling  multitude  of  labour 
ers  to  suck  the  end  of  it,  then  straightway  reinserting  it 
and  delivering  the  fluid  to  the  mob  as  before.  Evidently 
this  liquor  had  strangely  potent  qualities ;  for  all  that 
partook  of  it  were  immediately  exalted  with  great  and 
pleasurable  emotions,  and  went  staggering  about  singing 
ribald  songs,  embracing,  fightii^g,  dancing,  discharging 
irruptions  of  profanity,  and  defying  all  authority. 
Around  us  struggled  a  massed  and  uncontrolled  mob — 
uncontrolled  and  likewise  uncontrollable,  for  the  whole 
army,  down  to  the  very  sentinels,  were  mad  like  the  rest, 
by  reason  of  the  drink.  We  were  seized  upon  by  these 
reckless  creatures,  and  within  the  hour,  we,  even  we,  were 
undistinguishable  from  the  rest — the  demoralization  was 
complete  and  universal.  In  time  the  camp  wore  itself 
out  with  its  orgies  and  sank  into  a  stolid  and  pitiable 
stupor,  in  whose  mysterious  bonds  rank  was  forgotten  and 
strange  bed-fellows  made,  our  eyes,  at  the  resurrection, 
being  blasted  and  our  souls  petrified  with  the  incredible 
spectacle  of  that  intolerable  stinking  scavenger,  the  Tum 
ble  Bug,  and  the  illustrious  patrician  my  lord  Grand 
Daddy,  Duke  of  Longlegs,  lying  soundly  steeped  in  sleep, 
and  clasped  lovingly  in  each  other's  arms,  the  like  where 
of  hath  not  been  seen  in  all  the  ages  that  tradition  com- 
passeth,  and  doubtless  none  shall  ever  in  this  world  find 
faith  to  master  the  belief  of  it  save  only  we  that  have 


FABLES  FOR  GOOD   OLD   BOYS    AND   GIRLS.  73 

beheld  the  damnable  and  unholy  vision.  Thus  inscrut 
able  be  the  ways  of  God,  whose  will  be  done. 

"  This  day,  by  order,  did  the  Engineer-in-Chief,  Her; 
Spider,  rig  the  necessary  tackle  for  the  overturning  of 
the  vast  reservoir,  and  so  its  calamitous  contents  were 
discharged  in  a  torrent  upon  the  thirsty  earth,  which 
drank  it  up  and  now  there  is  no  more  danger,  we  reserv 
ing  but  a  few  drops  for  experiment  and  scrutiny,  and  to 
exhibit  to  the  king  and  subsequently  preserve  among  the 
wonders  of  the  museum.  What  this  liquid  is  has  been 
determined.  It  is  without  question  that  fierce  and  most 
destructive  fluid  called  lightning.  It  was  wrested,  in  its 
container,  from  its  store-house  in  the  clouds,  by  the  re 
sistless  might  of  the  flying  planet,  and  hurled  at  our  feet 
as  she  sped  by.  An  interesting  discovery  here  results. 
Which  is,  that  lightning,  kept  to  itself,  is  quiescent ;  it  is 
the  assaulting  contact  of  the  thunderbolt  that  releases  it 
from  captivity,  ignites  its  awful  fires  and  so  produces  an 
instantaneous  combustion  and  explosion  which  spread 
disaster  and  desolation  far  and  wide  in  the  earth." 

After  another  day  devoted  to  rest  and  recovery,  the 
expedition  proceeded  upon  its  way.  Some  days  later  it 
went  into  camp  in  a  very  pleasant  part  of  the  plain,  and 
the  savants  sallied  forth  to  see  what  they  might  find. 
Their  reward  was  at  hand.  Professor  Bull  Frog  discov 
ered  a  strange  tree,  and  called  his  comrades.  They  in 
spected  it  with  profound  interest. — It  was  very  tall  and 
straight,  and  wholly  devoid  of  bark,  limbs  or  foliage.  By 
triangulation  Lord  Loiiglegs  determined  its  altitude ;  Heir 


74  SKETCHES   II Y   MARK    TWAIN. 

Spider  measured  its  circumference  at  the  base  and  com 
puted  the  circumference  at  its  top  by  a  mathematical 
demonstration  based  upon  the  warrant  furnished  by  the 
uniform  degree  of  its  taper  upward.  It  was  considered  a 
very  extraordinary  find;  and  since  it  was  a  tree  of  a 
hitherto  unknown  species,  Professor  Woodlouse  gave  it  a 
name  of  a  learned  sound,  being  none  other  than  that  of 
Professor  Bull  Frog  translated  into  the  ancient  Mastodon 
language,  for  it  had  always  been  the  custom  with  dis 
coverers  to  perpetuate  their  names  and  honour  themselves 
by  this  sort  of  connection  with  their  discoveries. 

Now  Professor  Field-Mouse  having  placed  his  sensitive 
ear  to  the  tree,  detected  a  rich  harmonious  sound  issuing 
from  it.  This  surprising  thing  was  tested  and  enjoyed  by 
each  scholar  in  turn,  and  great  was  the  gladness  and 
astonishment  of  all.  Professor  Woodlouse  was  requested 
to  add  to  and  extend  the  tree's  name  so  as  to  make  it 
suggest  the  musical  quality  it  possessed — which  he  did, 
furnishing  the  addition  Anthem  Singer,  done  into  the 
Mastodon  tongue. 

By  this  time  Professor  Snail  was  making  some  tele 
scopic  inspections.  He  discovered  a  great  number  of  these 
trees,  extending  in  a  single  rank,  with  wide  intervals  be 
tween,  as  far  as  his  instrument  would  carry,  both  south 
ward  and  northward.  He  also  presently  discovered  that 
all  these  trees  were  bound  together,  near  their  tops, 
by  fourteen  great  ropes,  one  above  another,  which 
ropes  were  continuous,  from  tree  to  tree,  as  far  as  his 
vision  could  reach.  This  was  surprising.  Chief  Engineer 


FABLES   FOR  GOOD   OLD   HOYS   AND   O1RI.S  75 

Spider  ran  aloft  and  soon  reported  that  these  ropes  were 
simply  a  web  hung  there  by  some  colossal  member  of  his 
own  species,  for  he  could  see  its  prey  dangling  here  and 
there  from  the  strands,  in  the  shape  of  mighty  shreds  and 
rags  that  had  a  woven  look  about  their  texture  and  were 
no  doubt  discarded  skins  of  prodigious  insects  which  had 
been  caught  and  eaten.  And  then  he  ran  along  one  of 
the  ropes  to  make  a  closer  inspection,  but  felt  a  smart 
sudden  burn  on  the  soles  of  his  feet,  accompanied  by  a 
paralyzing  shock,  wherefore  he  let  go  and  swung  himself 
to  the  earth  by  a  thread  of  his  own  spinning,  and  advised 
all  to  hurry  at  once  to  camp,  lest  the  monster  should  ap 
pear  and  get  as  much  interested  in  the  savants  as  they  were 
in  him  and  his  works.  So  they  departed  with  speed, 
making  notes  about  the  gigantic  web  as  they  went.  And 
that  evening  the  naturalist  of  the  expedition  built  a 
beautiful  model  of  the  colossal  spider,  having  no  need  to 
see  it  in  order  to  do  this,  because  he  had  picked  up  a 
fragment  of  its  vetebrsa  by  the  tree,  and  so  knew  exactly 
what  the  creature  looked  like  and  what  its  habits  and  its 
preferences  were,  by  this  simple  evidence  alone.  He  built 
it  with  a  tail,  teeth,  fourteen  legs  and  a  snout,  and  said  it 
ate  grass,  cattle,  pebbles  and  dirt  with  equal  enthusiasm. 
This  animal  was  regarded  as  a  very  precious  addition  to 
science.  It  was  hoped  a  dead  one  might  be  found,  to 
stuff.  Professor  Woodlouse  thought  that  he  and  his 
brother  scholars,  by  lying  hid  and  being  quiet,  might 
maybe  catch  a  live  one.  He  was  advised  to  try  it. 
Which  was  all  the  attention  that  was  paid  to  his  sugges- 


76  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

tion.     The  conference  ended  with  the  naming  the  monster 
after  the  naturalist,  since  he,  after  God,  had  created  it. 

"And  improved  it,  mayhap,"  muttered  the  Tumble- 
Bug,  who  was  intruding  again,  according  to  his  idle  cus 
tom  and  his  unappeasable  curiosity. 


END  OF  PART    FIRST, 


FA3LES   FOR  GOOD   OLD   BOYS   AND  GIRLS. 


SOME   FABLES   FOR  GOOD   OLD   BOYS 
AND  GIRLS. 


PART  SECOND. 

HOW  .THE  ANIMALS  OF  THE  WOOD  COMPLETED  THEIR 
SCIENTIFIC  LABOURS. 


4  WEEK  later  the  expedition  camped  in  the  midst  of  a 
<£*-  collection  of  wonderful  curiosities.  These  were  a  sort 
of  vast  caverns  of  stone  that  rose  singly  and  in  bunches  out 
of  the  plain  by  the  side  of  the  river  which  they  had  first  seen 
when  they  emerged  from  the  forest.  These  caverns  stood 
in  long  straight  rows  on  opposite  sides  of  broad  aisles  that 
were  bordered  with  single  ranks  of  trees.  The  summit  of 
each  cavern  sloped  sharply  both  ways.  Several  horizontal 
rows  of  great  square  holes,  obstructed  by  a  thin,  shiny,  trans 
parent  substance,  pierced  the  frontage  of  each  cavern.  In 
side  were  caverns  within  caverns;  and  one  might  ascend  and 
visit  these  minor  compartments  by  means  of  curious  wind 
ing  ways  consisting  of  continuous  regular  terraces  raised 
^ne  above  another.  There  were  many  huge  shapeless  obj  ects 
in  each  compartment  which  were  considered  to  have  been 
living  creatures  at  one  time,  though  now  the  thin  brown 


78  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

skin  was  shrunken  and  loose,  and  rattled  when  disturbed. 
Spiders  were  here  in  great  number,  and  their  cobwebs, 
stretched  in  all  directions  and  wreathing  the  great  skinny 
dead  together,  were  a  pleasant  spectacle,  since  they  in 
spired  with  life  and  wholesome  cheer  a  scene  which  would 
otherwise  have  brought  to  the  mind  only  a  sense  of  for 
sakenness  and  desolation.  Information  was  sought  of  these 
spiders,  but  in  vain.     They  were  of  a  different  nationality 
from  those  with  the  expedition,  and  their  language  seemed 
but  a  musical,  meaningless  jargon.     They  were  a  timicl, 
gentle  race,  but  ignorant,  and  heathenish  worshippers  of 
unknown  gods.     The  expedition  detailed  a  great  detach 
ment  of  missionaries  to  teach  them  the  true"  religion,  and 
in   a  week's   time  a  precious  work  had   been   wrought 
among  those  darkened  creatures,  not  three  families  being 
by  that  time  at  peace  with  each  other  or  having  a  settled 
belief  in  any  system  of  religion  whatever.     This  encour 
aged  the  expedition  to  establish  a  colony  of  missionaries 
there  permanently,  that  the  work  of  grace  might  go  on. 
But  let  us  not  outrun  our  narrative.     After  close  ex 
amination  of  the  fronts  of  the  caverns,  and  much  think 
ing  and  exchanging  of  theories,  the  scientists  determined 
the  nature  of  these  singular  formations.     They  said  that 
each  belonged  mainly  to  the  Old  Red  Sandstone  period  ; 
that  the  cavern  fronts  rose  in  innumerable  and  wonder 
fully  regular  strata  high  in  the  air,  each  stratum  about 
five  frog-spans  thick,  and  that  in  the  present  discovery 
lay  an  overpowering  refutation  of  all  received  geology ; 
for  between  every  two  layers  of  Old  Red  Sandstone  re- 


FAT.LES   FOR   GOOD    C'.'J   LOTS   A  IT  3  GIRLS.  79 

posed  a  thin  layer  of  decomposed  limestone;  so  instead  of 
there  Laving  been  but  one  Old  Ked  Sandstone  period  there 
had  certainly  been  not  less  than  a  hundred  and  seventy- 
five  !  And  by  the  same  token  it  was  plain  that  there  had 
also  been  a  hundred  and  seventy-five  floodings  of  the 
earth  and  depositings  of  limestone  strata !  The  unavoid 
able  deduction  from  which  pair  of  facts,  was,  the  over 
whelming  truth  that  the  world,  instead  of  being  only  two 
hundred  thousand  years  old,  was  older  by  millions  upon 
millions  of  years  !  And  there  was  another  curious  thing  : 
every  stratum  of  Old  Red  Sandstone  was  pierced  and 
divided  at  mathematically  regular  intervals  by  vertical 
strata  of  limestone.  Up-shootings  of  igneous  rock  through 
fractures  in  water  formations  were  common;  but  here 
was  the  first  instance  where  water-formed  rock  had  been 
so  projected.  It  was  a  great  and  noble  discovery  and  its 
value  to  science  was  considered  to  be  inestimable. 

A  critical  examination  of  some  of  the  lower  strata  de 
monstrated  the  presence  of  fossil  ants  and  tumble-bugs, 
(the  latter  accompanied  by  their  peculiar  goods),  and  with 
high  gratification  the  fact  was  enrolled  upon  the  scientific 
record;  for  this  was  proof  that  these  vulgar  labourers 
belonged  to  the  first  and  lowest  orders  of  created  beings, 
though  at  the  same  time  there  was  something  repulsive 
in  the  reflection  that  the  perfect  and  exquisite  creature 
of  the  modern  uppermost  order  owed  its  origin  to  such 
ignominious  beings  through  the  mysterious  law  of  Develop 
ment  of  Species. 

The  Tumble-Bug,  overhearing  this  discussion,  said  he 


80  SKETCFIES  BY  MAI1K  TWAI3T. 

was  willing  that  the  parvenus  of  these  new  times 
should  find  what  comfort  they  might  in  their  wise-drawn 
theories,  since  as  far  as  he  was  concerned  he  was  content 
to  be  of  the  old  first  families  and  proud  to  point  back 
to  his  place  among  the  old  original  aristocracy  of  the  land. 

"  Enjoy  your  mushroom  dignity,  stinking  of  the  varnish 
of  yesterday's  veneering,  since  you  like  it,"  said  he; 
"  suffice  it  for  the  Tumble-Bugs  that  they  come  of  a  race 
that  rolled  their  fragrant  spheres  down  the  solemn  aisles 
of  antiquity,  and  left  their  imperishable  works  embalmed 
in  the  Old  Red  Sandstone  to  proclaim  it  to  the  wasting 
centuries  as  they  file  along  the  highway  of  Time !" 

"  0,  take  a  walk !"  said  the  chief  of  the  expedition,  with 
derision. 

The  summer  passed,  and  winter  approached.  In  and 
about  many  of  the  caverns  were  what  seemed  to  be  in 
scriptions.  Most  of  the  scientists  said  they  were  inscrip 
tions,  a  few  said  they  were  not.  The  chief  philologist, 
Professor  Woodlouse,  maintained  that  they  were  writings, 
done  in  a  character  utterly  unknown  to  scholars,  and  in  a 
language  equally  unknown.  He  had  early  ordered  his 
artists  and  draughtsmen  to  make  fac-similes  of  all  that 
were  discovered ;  and  had  set  himself  about  finding  the 
key  to  the  hidden  tongue.  In  this  work  he  had  followed 
the  method  which  had  always  been  used  by  decipherers 
previously.  That  is  to  say,  he  placed  a  number  of  copies 
of  inscriptions  before  him  and  studied  them  both  collect 
ively  and  in  detail.  To  begin  with,  he  placed  the  fol 
lowing  copies  together : 


j.ra   VOTl   GOOD  OLD   BOYS    AND   GTRLS               XI 

THE  AMEBICAN  HOTEL.  MEALS  AT  ALL  HOURS. 

THE  SHADES.  No  SMOKING. 

BOATS  FOR  HIRE  CHEAP.  UNION  PRAYER  MEETING,  4  P.  M. 

BILLIARDS.  THE  WATERSIDE  JOURNAL. 

THE  A  1  BARBER  SHOP.  TELEGRAPH  OFFICE. 

KEEP  OFF  THE  GRASS.  TRY  BRANDRETH'S  PILLS. 

COTTAGES  FOR  RENT  DURING  THE  WATERING  SEASON. 

FOR  SALE  CHEAP.  FOR  SALE  CHEAP. 

FOR  SALE  CHEAP.  FOR  SALE  CHEAP. 


At  first  it  seemed  to  the  Professor  that  this  was  a 
language,  and  that  each  word  was  represented  by  a  dis 
tinct  sign  ;  further  examination  convinced  him  that  it  was 
a  written  language,  and  that  every  letter  of  its  alphabet 
was  represented  by  a  character  of  its  own  ;  and  finally, 
he  decided  that  it  was  a  language  which  conveyed  itself 
partly  by  letters,  and  partly  by  signs  or  hieroglyphics. 

He  observed  that  certain  inscriptions  were  met  with  in 
greater  frequency  than  others.  Such  as  "FOR  SALE 
CHEAP;"  "BILLIARDS;"  "S.  T.—  1860—  X;"  "KENO;" 
"  ALE  ON  DRAUGHT."  Naturally,  then,  these  must  be  re 
ligious  maxims.  But  this  idea  was  cast  aside,  by  and  by, 
as  the  mystery  of  the  strange  alphabet  began  to  clear 
itself.  In  time,  the  Professor  was  enabled  to  translate 
several  of  the  inscriptions  with  considerable  plausibility, 
though  not  to  the  perfect  satisfaction  of  all  the  scholars. 
Still,  he  made  constant  and  encouraging  progress. 

Finally  a  cavern  was  discovered  with  these  inscriptions 
upon  it  : 

WATERSIDE  MUSEUM. 

Open  at  all  Hours.  Admission  50  cents. 

WONDERFUL  COLLECTION  OF  WAX-  WORKS,  ANCIENT  Fossas,  ETC, 


82  SKETCHES  BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

Professor  Woodlouse  affirmed  that  the  word  "  Museum  " 
was  equivalent  to  the  phrase  "  lungath  molo"  or  "  Burial- 
Place."  Upon  entering,  the  scientists  were  well  aston 
ished.  But  what  they  saw  may  be  best  conveyed  in  the 
language  of  their  own  official  report : 

"Erect,  and  in  a  row,  were  a  sort  of  rigid  great  figures 
which  struck  us  instantly  as  belonging  to  the  long  extinct 
species  of  reptile  called  MAN,  described  in  our  ancient 
records.  This  was  a  peculiarly  gratifying  discovery,  be 
cause  of  late  times  it  has  become  fashionable  to  regard 
this  creature  as  a  myth  and  a  superstition,  a  work  of  the 
inventive  imaginations  of  our  remote  ancestors.  But 
here,  indeed,  was  Man,  perfectly  preserved,  in  a  fossil 
state.  And  this  was  his  burial  place,  as  already  ascer 
tained  by  the  inscription.  And  now  it  began  to  be 
suspected  that  the  caverns  we  had  been  inspecting  had 
been  his  ancient  haunts  in  that  old  time  that  he  roamed 
the  earth — for  upon  the  breast  of  each  of  these  tall  fossils 
was  an  inscription  in  the  character  heretofore  noticed. 
One  read,  'CAPTAIN  KIDD,  THE  PIRATE;'  another,  'QUEEN 
VICTORIA;'  another,  'ABE  LINCOLN;'  another,  'GEORGE 
WASHINGTON,'  etc. 

"With  feverish  interest  we  called  for  our  ancient 
scientific  records  to  discover  if  perchance  the  description 
of  Man  there  set  down  would  tally  with  the  fossils  before 
us.  Professor  Woodlouse  read  it  aloud  in  its  quaint  and 
musty  phraseology,  to  wit: 

"'In  ye  time  of  our  fathers  Man  still  walked  ye  earth, 
as  by  tradition  we  know.  It  was  a  creature  of  exceeding 


FABLES  FOR  GOOD  OLD  BOYS  AND  GIRLS      83 

great  size,  being  compassed  about  with  a  loose  skin,  some 
times  of  one  colour,  sometimes  of  many,  the  which  it  was 
able  to  cast  at  will;  which  being  done,  the  hind  legs  were 
discovered  to  be  armed  with  short  claws  like  to  a  mole's  but 
broader,  and  ye  fore-legs  with  fingers  of  a  curious  slimness 
and  a  length  much  more  prodigious  than  a  frog's,  armed 
also  with  broad  talons  for  scratching  in  ye  earth  for  its 
food.     It  had  a  sort  of  feathers  upon  its  head  such  as  hath 
a  rat,  but  longer,  and  a  beak  suitable  for  seeking  its  food 
by  ye  smell  thereof.     When  it  was  stirred  with  happiness 
it  leaked  water  from  its  eyes;  and  when  it  suffered  or  was 
sad,  it  manifested   it   with  a  horrible   hellish   cackling 
clamour  that  was  exceeding  dreadful  to  hear  and  made  one 
long  that  it  might  rend  itself  and  perish,  and  so  end  its 
troubles.     Two  Mans  being  together,  they  uttered  noises 
at  each  other  like  to  this:  'Haw-haw-haw — dam  good, 
dam  good,'  together  with  other  sounds  of  more  or  less 
likeness  to  these,  wherefore  ye  poets  conceived  that  they 
talked,  but  poets  be  always  ready  to  catch  at  any  frantic 
folly,  God  he  knows.     Sometimes  this  creature  goeth  about 
with  a  long  stick  ye  which  it  putteth  to  its  face  and  bloweth 
fire  and  smoke  through  ye  same  with  a  sudden  and  most 
damnable  bruit  and  noise  that  doth   fright  its  prey  to 
death,  and  so  seizeth  it  in  its  talons  and  walketh  away  to 
its  habitat,  consumed  with  a  most  fierce  and  devilish  joy.' 
"Now  was  the  description  set  forth  by  our  ancestors 
wonderfully  endorsed  and  confirmed  by  the  fossils  before 
us,  as  shall  be  seen.     The   specimen  marked   'Captain 
Kidd'  was  examined  in  detail.     Upon  its  head  and  part 


84  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

of  its  face  was  a  sort  of  fur  like  that  upon  the  tail  of  a 
horse.  With  great  labour  its  loose  skin  was  removed, 
whereupon  its  body  was  discovered  to  be  of  a  polished 
white  texture,  thoroughly  petrified.  The  straw  it  had 
eaten,  so  many  ages  gone  by,  was  still  in  its  body,  undi 
gested — and  even  in  its  legs. 

"Surrounding  these  fossils  were  objects  that  would 
mean  nothing  to  the  ignorant,  but  to  the  eye  of  science 
they  were  a  revelation.  They  laid  bare  the  secrets  of 
dead  ages.  These  musty  Memorials  told  us  when  Man 
lived,  and  what  were  his  habits.  For  here,  side  by  side 
with  Man,  were  the  evidences  that  he  had  lived  in  the 
earliest  ages  of  creation,  the  companion  of  the  other  low 
orders  of  life  that  belonged  to  that  forgotten  time. — Here 
was  the  fossil  nautilus  that  sailed  the  primeval  seas;  here 
was  the  skeleton  of  the  mastodon,  the  ichthyosaurus,  the 
cave  bear,  the  prodigious  elk.  Here,  also,  were  the  charred 
bones  of  some  of  these  extinct  animals  and  of  the  young 
of  Man's  own  species,  split  lengthwise,  showing  that  to 
his  taste  the  marrow  was  a  toothsome  luxury.  It  was 
plain  that  Man  had  robbed  those  bones  of  their  contents, 
since  no  tooth-mark  of  any  beast  was  upon  them — albeit 
the  Tumble-Bug  intruded  the  remark  that  '  no  beast  could 
mark  a  bone  with  its  teeth,  anyway.'  Here  were  proofs 
that  Man  had  vague,  grovelling  notions  of  art ;  for  this  fact 
was  conveyed  by  certain  things  marked  with  the  untranslat 
able  words,  'FLINT  HATCHETS,  KNIVES,  ARROW-HEADS, 
AND  BONE-ORNAMENTS  or  PRIMEVAL  MAN.'  Some  of  these 
Beemed  to  be  rude  weapons  chipped  out  of  flint,  and  in  a 


FABLES   FOll   GOOD   OLD    BOYS   AND   GIRLS.  Q5 

secret  place  was  found  some  more  in  process  of  construc 
tion,  with  this  untranslatable  legend  on  a  thin  flimsy 
material,  lying  by : 

'Jones,  if  you  don't  want  to  be  discharged  from  the 
Musseum,  make  the  next  primeaveal  weppons  more  care- 
ul — you  couldn't  even  fool  one  of  those  sleapy  old  syen- 
tiffic  granny s  from  the  Coledge  with  the  last  ones.  And 
mind  you  the  animlesyou  carved  on  some  of  the  Bone  Orna 
ments  is  a  blame  sight  too  good  for  any  primeaveal  man 
that  was  ever  fooled. — Varnum,  Manager" 

"  Back  of  the  burial  place  was  a  mass  of  ashes,  showing 
that  Man  always  had  a  feast  at  a  funeral — else  why 
the  ashes  in  such  a  place  ?  and  showing,  also,  that  he  be 
lieved  in  God  and  the  immortality  of  the  soul — else  why 
these  solemn  ceremonies  ? 

"To  sum  up.  — We  believe  that  Man  had  a  written  lan 
guage.  We  know  that  he  indeed  existed  at  one  time,  and  is 
not  a  myth ;  also,  that  he  was  the  companion  of  the  cave 
bear,  the  mastodon,  and  other  extinct  species ;  that  he 
cooked  and  ate  them  and  likewise  the  young  of  his  own 
kind  ;  also,  that  he  bore  rude  weapons,  and  knew  some 
thing  of  art ;  that  he  imagined  he  had  a  soul,  and  pleased 
himself  with  the  fancy  that  it  was  immortal.  But  let  us 
not  laugh  ;  there  may  be  creatures  in  existence  to  whom  we 
and  our  vanities  and  profundities  may  seem  as  ludicrous." 


UND   OF    PAltT   SECOND 


86  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 


SOME  FABLES  FOE  GOOD  OLD  BOYS  AND 
GIRLS. 

PART  THIRD 


"VTEAH  the  margin  of  the  great  river  the  scientists  present- 
-L  ^  ly  found  a  huge,  shapely  stone,  with  this  inscription : 

"  In  1847,  in  the  spring,  the  river  overflowed  its  banks 
and  covered  the  whole  township.  The  depth  was  from  two 
to  six  feet.  More  than  900  head  of  cattle  were  lost,  and 
many  homes  destroyed.  The  Mayor  ordered  this  mem 
orial  to  be  erected  to  perpetuate  the  event.  God  spare  us 
the  repetition  of  it." 

With  infinite  trouble,  Professor  Woodlouse  succeeded 
in  making  a  translation  of  this  inscription,  which  was 
sent  home  and  straightway  an  enormous  excitement  was 
created  about  it.  It  confirmed,  in  a  remarkable  way,  cer 
tain  treasured  traditions  of  the  ancients.  The  translation 
was  slightly  marred  by  one  or  two  untranslatable  words, 
but  these  did  not  impair  the  general  clearness  of  the  mean 
ing.  It  is  here  presented : 

"One  thousand  eight  hundred  and  forty-seven  years 
ago,  the  (fires?)  descended  and  consumed  the  whole  city. 
Only  some  nine  hundred  souls  were  saved,  all  others  des- 


FABLES   FOR   GOOD    OLD   BOYS   AND   GIRLS.  87 

troyed.  The  (king  ?)  commanded  this  stone  to  be  set  up 
to  .  .  .  .  (untranslatable)  ....  prevent  the  repetition  of  it!' 

This  was  the  first  successful  and  satisfactory  translation 
that  had  been  made  of  the  mysterious  character  left  be 
hind  him  by  extinct  man,  and  it  gave  Professor  Woodlouse 
such  reputation  that  at  once  every  seat  of  learning  in  his 
native  land  conferred  a  degree  of  the  most  illustrious 
grade  upon  him,  and  it  was  believed  that  if  he  had  been 
a  soldier  and  had  turned  his  splendid  talents  to  the  exter 
mination  of  a  remote  tribe  of  reptiles,  the  king  would  have 
ennobled  him  and  made  him  rich.  And  this,  too,  was  the 
origin  of  that  school  of  scientists  called  Manologists,  whose 
specialty  is  the  deciphering  of  the  ancient  records  of  the 
extinct  bird  termed  Man.  [For  it  is  now  decided  that 
Man  was  a  bird  and  not  a  reptile].  But  Professor  Wood- 
louse  began  and  remained  chief  of  these,  for  it  was 
granted  that  no  translations  were  ever  so  free  from  error 
as  his.  Others  made  mistakes — he  seemed  incapable  of 
it.  Many  a  memorial  of  the  lost  race  was  afterward 
found,  but  none  ever  attained  to  the  renown  and  venera 
tion  achieved  by  the  "  Mayoritish  Stone " — it  being  so 
called  from  the  word  "  Mayor  "  in  it,  which,  being  trans 
lated  "King,"  "Mayoritish  Stone"  was  but  another  way 
of  saying  "King  Stone." 

Another  time  the  expedition  made  a  great  "  find."  It 
was  a  vast  round  flattish  mass,  ten  frog-spans  in  diameter, 
and  five  or  six  high.  Professor  Snail  put  on  his  spectacles 
and  examined  it  all  around,  and  then  climbed  up  and  in 
spected  the  top.  He  said : 


88  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN 

"  The  result  of  my  perlustration  and  perscontation  of 
this  isoperimetrical  protuberance  is  a  belief  that  it  is 
one  of  those  rare  and  wonderful  creations  left  by 
the  Mound  Builders.  The  fact  that  this  one  is  lamelli- 
branchiate  in  its  formation,  simply  adds  to  its  interest  as 
being  possibly  of  a  different  kind  from  any  we  read  of  in 
the  records  of  science,  but  yet  in  no  manner  marring  its 
authenticity.  Let  the  megalophonous  grasshopper  sound 
a  blast  and  summon  hither  the  perfunctory  and  circum- 
foraneous  Tumble-Bug,  to  the  end  that  excavations  may 
be  made  and  learning  gather  new  treasures." 

Not  a  Tumble-Bug  could  be  found  on  duty,  so  the 
Mound  was  excavated  by  a  working  party  of  ants. 
Nothing  was  discovered.  This  would  have  been  a  great 
disappointment,  had  not  the  venerable  Longlegs  explained 
the  matter. — He  said : 

"It  is  now  plain  to  me  that  the  mysterious  and  forgotten 
race  of  Mound  Builders  did  not  always  erect  these  edifices 
as  mausoleums,  else  in  this  case,  as  in  all  previous  cases, 
their  skeletons  would  be  found  here,  along  with  the  rude 
implements  which  the  creatures  used  in  life.  Is  not  this 
manifest?" 

"True  !  true  !"  from  everybody. 

"Then  we  have  made  a  discovery  of  peculiar  value 
here ;  a  discovery  which  greatly  extends  our  knowledge 
of  this  creature  in  place  of  diminishing  it ;  a  discovery 
which  will  add  lustre  to  the  achievements  of  this  expedi 
tion  and  win  for  us  the  commendations  of  scholars  every 
where.  For  the  absence  of  the  customary  relics  here 


FABLES  FOR  GOOD   OLD   BOYS  AND  GIRLS.  89 

means  nothing  less  than  this:  The  Mound  Builder,  instead 
of  being  the  ignorant,  savage  reptile  we  have  been  taught 
to  consider  him,  was  a  creature  of  cultivation  and  high  in 
telligence,   capable    of    not    only   appreciating    worthy 
achievements  of  the  great  and  noble  of  his  species,  but  of 
commemorating    them!      Fellow-scholars,    this    stately 
Mound  is  not  a  sepulchre,  it  is  a  monument !" 
A  profound  impression  was  produced  by  this. 
But  it  was  interrupted  by  rude  and  derisive  laughter — 
and  the  Tumble-Bug  appeared. 

"A  monument!"  quoth  he.  "A  monument  set  up  by  a 
Mound  Builder !  Aye,  so  it  is  !  So  it  is,  indeed,  to  the 
shrewd  keen  eye  of  science ;  but  to  an  ignorant  poor 
devil  who  has  never  seen  a  college,  it  is  not  a  Monument, 
strictly  speaking,  but  is  yet  a  most  rich  and  noble  pro 
perty  ;  and  with  your  worships'  good  permission  I  will 
proceed  to  manufacture  it  into  spheres  of  exceeding  grace 
and—" 

The  Tumble-Bug  was  driven  away  with  stripes,  and  the 
draughtsmen  of  the  expedition  were  set  to  making  views 
of  the  Monument  from  different  standpoints,  while  Pro 
fessor  Woodlouse,  in  a  frenzy  of  scientific  zeal,  travelled 
all  over  it  and  all  around  it  hoping  to  find  an  inscription. 
But  if  there  had  ever  been  one  it  had  decayed  or  been 
removed  by  some  vandal  as  a  relic. 

The  views  having  been  completed,  it  was  now  consider 
ed  safe  to  load  the  precious  Monument  itself  upon  the 
backs  of  four  of  the  largest  Tortoises  and  send  it  home 
to  the  King's  museum,  which  was  done;  and  when  it  ar- 


1)0  SKETCHES   BY   MARK    TWAIN. 

rived  it  was  received  with  enormous  eclat  and  escorted  to 
its  future  abiding-place  by  thousands  of  enthusiastic 
citizens,  King  Bullfrog  XVI,  himself  attending  and  con 
descending  to  sit  enthroned  upon  it  throughout  the  progress. 

The  growing  rigour  of  the  weather  was  now  admonish 
ing  the  scientists  to  close  their  labours  for  the  present,  so 
they  made  preparations  to  journey  homeward.  But  even 
their  last  day  among  the  Caverns  bore  fruit ;  for  one  of 
the  scholars  found  in  an  out-of-the-way  corner  of  the 
Museum  or  "  Burial-Place"  a  most  strange  and  extraordin 
ary  thing.  It  was  nothing  less  than  a  double  Man-Bird 
lashed  together  breast  to  breast  by  a  natural  ligament,  and 
labelled  with  the  untranslatable  words,  "  Siamese  Twins." 
The  official  report  concerning  this  thing  closed  thus : 

"  Wherefore  it  appears  that  there  were  in  old  times  two 
distinct  species  of  this  majestic  fowl,  the  one  being  single 
and  the  other  double.  Nature  has  a  reason  for  all  things. 
It  is  plain  to  the  eye  of  science  that  the  Double-Man 
originally  inhabited  a  region  where  dangers  abounded ; 
hence  he  was  paired  together  to  the  end  that  while  one 
part  slept  the  other  might  watch ;  and  likewise  that 
danger  being  discovered,  there  might  always  be  a  double 
instead  of  a  single  power  to  oppose  it.  All  honour  to  the 
mystery-dispelling  eye  of  godlike  science  ! " 

And  near  the  Double  Man-Bird  was  found  what  was 
plainly  an  ancient  record  of  his,  marked  upon  numberless 
sheets  of  a  thin  white  substance  and  bound  together.  Al 
most  the  first  glance  that  Professor  Woodlouse  threw  into 
it  revealed  this  following  sentence,  which  he  instantly 


FABLES  FOR  GOOD  OLD  BOYS  AND  GIRLS.          91 

translated  and  laid  before  the  scientists,  in  a  tremble,  and  it 
uplifted  every  soul  therewith  exultation  and  astonishment: 

"  In  truth  it  is  believed  by  many  that  the  lower  animals 
reason  and  talk  together" 

When  the  great  official  report  of  the'expedition  appeared, 
the  above  sentence  bore  this  comment : 

"  Then  there  are  lower  animals  than  Man !  This  remark 
able  passage  can  mean  nothing  else.  Man  himself  is  ex 
tinct,  but  they  may  still  exist.  What  can  they  be  ?  Where 
do  they  inhabit  ?  One's  enthusiasm  bursts  all  bounds  in 
the  contemplation  of  the  brilliant  field  of  discovery  and 
investigation  here  thrown  open  to  science.  We  close  our 
labours  with  the  humble  prayer  that  your  Majesty  will 
immediately  appoint  a  commission  and  command  it  to  rest 
not  nor  spare  expense  until  the  search  for  this  hitherto 
unsuspected  race  of  the  creatures  of  God  shall  be  crowned 
with  success." 

The  expedition  then  journeyed  homeward  after  its  long 
absence  and  its  faithful  endeavours,  and  was  received  with 
a  mighty  ovation  by  the  whole  grateful  country. 

There  were  vulgar,  ignorant  carpers,  of  course,  as  there 
always  are  and  always  will  be ;  and  naturally  one  of  those 
was  the  obscene  Tumble-Bug.  He  said  that  all  he  had 
learned  by  his  travels  was  that  science  only  needed  a 
spoonful  of  supposition  to  build  a  mountain  of  demon 
strated  fact  out  of ;  and  that  for  the  future  he  meant  to  be 
content  with  the  knowledge  that  nature  had  made  free  to 
all  creatures  and  not  go  prying  into  the  august  secrets  of 
the  Deity. 


MAKK   TWAIN. 


THE  "JUMPING  FROG." 

IN  ENGLISH.  THEN  IN  FRENCH.  THEN  CLAWED  BACK 
INTO  A  CIVILIZED  LANGUAGE  ONCE  MORE  BY  PATIENT, 
UNREML7NERATED  TOIL. 


EVEN  a  criminal  is  entitled  to  fair  play;  and  certainly 
when  a  man  who  has  done  no  harm  has  been  unjustly 
treated,  he  is  privileged  to  do  his  best  to  right  himself. 
My  attention  has  just  been  called  to  an  article  some  three 
years  old  in  a  French  Magazine  entitled  "  Revue  des  Deux 
Mondes"  (Review  of  some  two  worlds),  wherein  the 
writer  treats  of  "  Les  Humoristes  Americanes"  (These 
Humourists  Americans).  I  am  one  of  these  humourists 
Americans  dissected  by  him,  and  hence  the  complaint  I 
am  making. 

This  gentleman's  article  is  an  able  one  (as  articles  go 
in  the  French,  where  they  always  tangle  up  everything 
to  that  degree  that  when  you  start  into  a  sentence  you 
never  know  whether  you  are  going  to  come  out  alive  or 
not).  It  is  a  very  good  article,  and  the  writer  says  all  ma?> 
iier  of  kind  and  complimentary  things  about  me — for  which 
I  am  sure  I  thank  him  with  all  my  heart ;  but  then  why 
should  he  go  and  spoil  all  his  praise  by  one  unlucky 
experiment  ?  What  I  refer  to  is  this  :  he  says  my  Jump- 


THE  JUMPING  FROG.  93 

ing  Frog  is  a  funny  story,  but  still  he  can't  see  why  it 
should  ever  really  convulse  any  one  with  laughter — and 
straightway  proceeds  to  translate  it  into  French  in  order 
to  prove  to  his  nation  that  there  is  nothing  so  very  ex 
travagantly  funny  about  it.  Just  there  is  where  my 
complaint  originates.  He  has  not  translated  it  at  all ;  he 
has  simply  mixed  it  all  up ;  it  is  no  more  like  the  Jump 
ing  Frog  when  he  gets  through  with  it  than  I  am  like  a 
meridian  of  longitude.  But  my  mere  assertion  is  not 
proof ;  wherefore  I  print  the  French  version,  that  all  may 
see  that  I  do  not  speak  falsely;  furthermore,  in  order 
that  even  the  unlettered  may  know  my  injury  and  give 
me  their  compassion,  I  have  been  at  infinite  pains  and 
trouble  to  re-translate  this  French  version  back  into  Eng 
lish  ;  and  to  tell  the  truth  I  have  well  nigh  worn  myself 
out  at  it,  having  scarcely  rested  from  my  work  during 
five  days  and  nights.  I  cannot  speak  the  French  lan 
guage,  but  I  can  translate  very  well,  though  not  fast,  I 
being  self-educated.  I  ask  the  reader  to  run  his  eye 
over  the  original  English  version  of  the  Jumping  Frog, 
and  then  read  the  French  or  my  re-translation,  and  kind 
ly  take  notice  how  the  Frenchman  has  riddled  the  gram 
mar.  1  think  it  is  the  worst  I  ever  saw ;  and  yet  the 
French  are  called  a  polished  nation.  If  I  had  a  boy  that 
put  sentences  together  as  they  do,  I  would  polish  him  to 
some  purpose.  Without  further  introduction,  the  Jump 
ing  Frog,  as  I  originally  wrote  it,  was  as  follows — [after 
it  will  be  found  the  French  version,  and  after  the  latter 
my  re-translation  from  the  French]; 


y$  aKLTCHES  BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

THE  NOTORIOUS  JUMPING  FROG  OF  CALAVERAS*  COUNTY. 


In  compliance  with  the  request  of  a  friend  of  mine,  who  wrote  me  from 
the  East,  I  called  on  good-natured,  garrulous  old  Simon  Wheeler,  and  in 
quired  after  my  friend's  friend,  Leonidas  W.  Smiley,  as  requested  to  do, 
and  I  hereunto  append  the  result.  I  have  a  lurking  suspicion  that  Leonidas 
W.  Smiley  is  a  myth ;  that  my  friend  never  knew  such  a  personage  ;  and 
that  he  only  conjectured  that  if  I  asked  old  Wheeler  about  him,  it  would 
remind  him  of  his  infamous  Jim  Smiley,  and  he  would  go  to  work  and  bore 
me  to  death  with  some  exasperating  reminiscence  of  him  as  long  and  as 
tedious  as  it  should  be  useless  to  me.  If  that  was  the  design  it  succeeded. 

I  found1  Simon  Wheeler  dozing  comfortably  by  the  bar-room  stove  of 
the  dilapidated  tavern  in  the  decayed  mining  camp  of  Engel's,  and  I  noticed 
that  he  was  fat  and  .bald-headed,  and  had  an  expression  of  winning  gentle 
ness  and  simplicity  upon  his  tranquil  countenance.  He  roused  up  and  gave 
me  good-day.  I  told  him  a  friend  of  mine  had  commissioned  me  to  make 
some  inquiries  about  a  cherished  companion  of  his  boyhood  named  Leonidas 
W.  Smiley — Rev.  Leonidas  W.  Smiley,  a  young  minister  of  the  Gospel,  who 
he  had  heard  was  at  one  time  a  resident  of  Angel's  Camp.  I  added  that  if 
Mr.  Wheeler  could  tell  me  anything  about  this  Rev.  Leonidas  W.  Smiley, 
I  would  feel  under  many  obligations  to  him. 

Simon  Wheeler  backed  me  into  a  corner  and  blockaded  me  there  with  his 
chair,  and  then  sat  down  and  reeled  off  the  monotonous  narrative  which  fol 
lows  this  paragraph.  He  never  smiled,  he  never  frowned,  he  never  chang 
ed  his  voice  from  the  gentle-flowing  key  to  which  he  tuned  his  initial  sen 
tence,  he  never  betrayed  the  slightest  suspicion  of  enthusiam  ;  but  all 
through  the  interminable  narrative  there  ran  a  vein  of  impressive  earnest 
ness  and  sincerity,  which  showed  me  plainly  that,  so  far  from  his  imagining 
that  there  was  anything  ridiculous  or  funny  about  his  story,  he  regarded  it 
as  a  really  important  matter,  and  admired  its  two  heroes  as  men  of  trans- 
cendant  genius  in  finesse.  I  let  him  go  on  in  his  own  way,  and  never  inter 
rupted  him  once. 

"  Rev.  Leonidas  W.  H'm,  Reverend  Le— well,  there  was  a  feller  here 
once  by  the  name  of  Jim  Smiley,  in  the  winter  of  '49— or  maybe  it  was  the 
spring  of  '50—1  don't  recollect  exactly,  somehow,  though  what  makes  me 
think  it  was  one  or  the  other  is  because  I  remember  the  big  flume  wam't 
finished  when  he  first  come  to  the  camp ;  but  any  way  he  was  the  curiosest 
man  about  always  betting  on  anything  that  turned  up  you  ever  see,  if  he 
could  get  anybody  to  bet  on  the  other  side  ;  and  if  he  couldn't  he'd  change 

pronounced  Cal-e-w-raa, 


THE  JUMPING  FKOG.  95 

Bides.  Any  way  that  suited  the  other  man  would  suit  him — any  way  just 
so's  he  got  a  bet,  he  was  satisfied.  But  still  he  was  lucky,  uncommon  lucky; 
he  most  always  come  out  winner.  He  was  always  ready  and  laying  for  a 
chance  ;  there  couldn't  be  no  solit'ry  thing  mentioned  but  that  feller'd  offer 
to  bet  on  it,  and  take  ary  side  you  please  as  I  was  just  telling  you.  If  there 
was  a  horse-race,  you'd  find  him  flush  or  you'd  find  him  busted  at  the  end  of 
it ;  if  there  was  a  dog-fight,  he'd  bet  on  it ;  if  there  was  a  cat-fight  he'd  bet 
on  it;  if  there  was  a  chicken-fight  he'd  bet  on  it;  why,  if  there  was  two  birds 
sitting  on  a  fence,  he  would  bet  you  which  one  would  fly  first ;  or  if  there 
was  a  camp-meeting,  he  would  be  there  reg'lar  to  bet  on  Parson  Walker, 
which  he  judged  to  be  the  best  exhorter  about  here,  and  so  he  was  too,  and 
a  good  man.  If  he  even  see  a  straddle-bug  start  to  go  anywheres,  he  would 
bet  you  how  long  it  would  take  him  to  get  to — to  wherever  he  was  going  to, 
and  if  you  took  him  up  he  would  foller  that  straddle-bug  to  Mexico  but 
what  he  would  find  out  where  he  was  bound  for  and  how  long  he  was  on  the 
road.  Lots  of  the  boys  here  has  seen  that  Smiley,  and  can  tell  you  about 
him.  Why,  it  never  made  no  difference  to  him — he'd  bet  on  any  thing — the 
dangdest  feller.  Parson  Walker's  wife  laid  very  sick  once,  for  a  good  while, 
and  it  seemed  as  if  they  warn't  going  to  save  her;  but  one  morning  he  come 
in,  and  Smiley  up  and  asked  him  how  she  was,  and  he  said  she  was  consider 
able  better — thank  the  Lord  for  his  inf'nit  mercy — and  coming  on  so  smari 
that  with  the  blessing  of  Prov'dence  she'd  get  well  yet;  and  Smiley,  before  he 
thought,  says,  "Well,  I'll  resk  two-and-a-half  she  don't  anyway." 

Thish-yer  Smiley  had  a  mare — the  boys  called  her  the  fifteen  minute  nag, 
but  that  was  only  in  fun,  you  know,  because  of  course  she  was  faster  than 
that — and  he  used  to  win  money  on  that  horse,  for  all  she  was  so  slow  and 
always  had  the  asthma,  or  the  distemper,  or  the  consumption,  or  something 
of  that  kind.  They  used  to  give  her  two  or  three  hundred  yards'  start,  and 
then  pass  her  under  way;  but  always  at  the  fag  end  of  the  race  she'd  get 
excited  and  desperate-like,  and  come  cavorting  and  straddling  up  and 
scattering  her  legs  around  limber,  sometimes  in  the  air,  and  sometimes 
out  to  one  side  amongst  the  fences,  and  kicking  up  m-o-r-e  dust  and  raising 
m-o-r-e  racket  with  her  coughing  and  sneezing  and  blowing  her  nose — and 
always  fetch  up  at  the  stand  just  about  a  neck  ahead,  as  near  as  you  could 
cipher  it  down. 

And  he  had  a  little  small  bull-pup  that  to  look  at  him  you'd  think  he  warn't 
worth  a  cent  but  to  set  around  and  look  ornery  and  lay  for  a  chance  to  steal 
something.  But  as  soon  as  money  was  up  on  him  he  was  a  different  dog  ; 
his  under  jaw  began  to  stick  out  like  the  fo'castle  of  a  steamboat, and  his  teeth 
would  uncover  and  shine  like  the  furnaces.  And  a  dog  might  tackle  him 
and  bullyrag  him,  and  bite  him,  and  throw  him  over  his  shoulder  two  or 
three  times,  and  Andrew  Jackson — which  was  the  name  of  the  pup — Andrev 
Jackson  would  never  let  on  but  what  he  was  satisfied,  and  hadn't  expectec 


9Qi  SKETCHES   BY  MA11K  TWAIN. 

nothing-  else — and  the  bets  being  doubled  and  doubled  on  the  other  side  aft  the 
time,  till  the  money  was  all  up ;  and  then  all  of  a  sudden  he  would  grab  that 
other  dog  jest  by  the  j'int  of  his  hind  leg  and  freeze  to  it — not  chaw,  you  under 
stand,  but  only  just  grip  and  hang  on  till  they  thro  wed  up  the  sponge,  if  it  was 
a  year.  Smiley  always  come  out  winner  on  that  pup,  till  he  harnessed  a 
dog  once  that  did'nt  have  no  hind  legs,  because  they'd  been  sawed  off  in  a 
circular  saw,  and  when  the  thing  had  gone  along  far  enough,  raid  the  money 
was  all  up,  and  he  come  to  make  a  snatch  for  his  pet  holt,  he  see  in  a  minute 
how  he'd  been  imposed  on,  and  how  the  other  dog  had  him  in  the  door,  so  to 
speak,  and  he  'peared  surprised,  and  then  he  looked  sorter  discouraged-like,and 
didn't  try  no  more  to  win  the  fight,  and  so  he  got  shucked  out  bad.  He  give 
Smiley  a  look,  as  much  as  to  say  his  heart  was  broke,  and  it  was  his  fault,  for 
putting  up  a  dog  that  hadn't  no  hind  legs  for  him  to  tal;e  holt  of,  which  was 
his  main  dependence  in  a  fight,  and  then  he  limped  off  a  piece  and  laid  down 
and  died.  It  was  a  good  pup  was  that  Andrew  Jackson,  and  would  have 
made  a  name  for  hisself  if  he'd  lived,  for  the  stuff  was  in  him  and  he  had 
genius — I  know  it,  because  he  hadn'tano  opportunities  to  speak  of,  and  it 
don't  stand  to  reason  that  a  dog  could  make  such  a  fight  as  he  could  under 
them  circumstances  if  he  hadn't  no  talent.  It  always  makes  me  feel  sorry 
when  I  think  of  that  last  fight  of  his'n,  and  the  way  it  turned  out. 

Well,  thish-yer  Smiley  had  rat-tarriers,  and  chicken  cocks,  and  tom-cats 
and  all  them  kind  of  things,  till  you  couldn't  rest,  and  you  couldn't  fetch 
nothing  for  him 'to  bet  on  but  he'd  match  you.  He  ketched  a  frog  one  day, 
and  took  him  home,  and  said  he  cal'lated  to  educate  him;  and  so  he  never 
done  nothing  for  three  months  but  set  in  his  back  yard  and  learn  that  frog 
to  jump.  And  you  bet  you  he  did  learn  him,  too.  He'd  give  him  a  little 
punch  behind,  and  the  next  minute  you'd  see  that  frog  whirling  in  the  air 
like  a  doughnut— see  him  turn  one  summerset,  or  maybe  a  couple,  if  he  got 
a  good  start,  and  come  down  flat-footed  and  all  right,  like  a  cat.  He  got 
him  up  so  in  the  matter  of  catching  flies,  and  kep'  him  in  practice  so  constant, 
that  he'd  nail  a  fly  every  time  as  fur  as  he  could  see  him.  Smiley  said  all  a 
frog  wanted  was  education  and  he  could  do  'most  anything — and  I  believe 
him.  Why,  I've  seen  him  set  Dan'l  Webster  down  here  on  this  floor — Dan'l 
Webster  was  the  name  of  the  frog — and  sing  out,  "Flies  Dan'l,  flies  !  "  and 
quicker'n  you  could  wink  he'd  spring  straight  up  and  snake  a  fly  off 'n  the 
counter  there,  and  flop  down  on  the  floor  ag'in  as  solid  as  a  gob  of  mud,  and 
fall  to  scratching  the  side  of  his  head  with  his  hind  foot  as  indifferent  as  if 
he  hadn't  no  idea  he'd  been  doin'  any  more'n  any  frog  might  do.  You  never 
see  a  frog  so  modest  and  straightfor'ard  as  he  was,  for  all  he  was  so  gifted. 
And  when  it  come  to  fair  and  square  jumping  on  a  dead  level,  he  could  get 
over  more  ground  at  one  straddle  than  any  animal  of  his  breed  you  ever  see. 
Jumping  on  a  d«»ad  level  was  his  strong  suit,  you  understand ;  and  when  it 
comejjo  that.  Smiley  would  ante  up  money  on  him  as  long  as  he  had  a  red, 


THE  JUMPING  FROG.  '«-'/ 

Smiley  was  monstrous  proud  of  his  frog,  and  well  he  might  be,  for  fellers 
that  had  travelled  and  been  everywhere,  all  said  he  laid  over  any  frog  that 
ever  they  see. 

Well,  Smiley  kep'  the  beast  in  a  little  lattice  box,  and  he  used  to  fetch 
him  clown  town  sometimes  and  lay  for  a  bet.  One  day,  a  feller — a  stranger 
in  the  camp,  he  was — come  acrost  him  with  his  box,  and  says : 

"What  might  it  be  that  you've  got  in  the  box?" 

And  Smiley  says,  sorter  indifferent-like,  "It  might  be  a  parrot,  or  it  might 
be  a  canary,  maybe,  but  it  ain't — it's  only  just  a  frog." 

And  the  feller  took  it,  and  looked"  «t  it  careful,  and  turned  it  round  this 
way  and  that,  and  says,  "H'm — so  'tis.  Well,  what's  he  good  for?" 

"Well,"  Smiley,  says,  easy  and  careless,  "  he's  good  enough  for  one  thing, 
I  should  judge — he  can  outjump  any  frog  in  Calaveras  county." 

The  feller  took  the  box  again,  and  took  another  long,  particular,  look,  and 
gave  it  back  to  Smiley,  and  says,  very  deliberate,  "Well,"  he  says,  "I  don't 
see  no  p'ints  about  that  frog  that's  any  better'n  any  other  frog." 

"Maybe  you  don't,"  Smiley  says.  " Maybe  ryou  understand  frogs  and 
maybe  you  don't  understand  'em ;  majbe  you've  had  experience,  and  may 
be  you  ain't  only  a  amature,  as  it  were.  Anyways,  I've  got  my  opinion  and 
I'll  resk  forty  dollars  that  he  can  outjump  any  frog  in  Calaveras  county." 

And  the  feller  studied  a  minute,  and  then  says,  kinder  sad  like,  "  Well,  I'm 
only  a  stranger  here,  and  I  aint  got  no  frog ;  but  if  I  had  a  frog,  I'd  bet  you." 

And  then  Smiley  says,  "  That's  all  right — that's  all  right — if  you'll  hold 
my  box  a  minute,  I'll  go  and  get  you  a  frog."  And  so  the  feller  took  the 
box,  and  put  up  his  forty  dollars  along  with  Smiley's,  and  set  down  to  wait. 

So  he  sat  there  a  good  while  thinking  and  thinking  to  hisself,  and  then  he 
got  the  frog  out  and  prized  his  mouth  open  and  took  a  teaspoon  and  filled 
him  full  of  quail  shot — filled  him  pretty  near  up  to  his  chin — and  set  him  on 
the  floor.  Smiley  he  went  to  the  swamp  and  slopped  around  in  the  mud  for 
a  long  time,  and  finally  he  ketched  a  frog,  and  fetched  him  in,  and  gave  him 
to  this  feller  and  says : 

"Now,  if  you're  ready,  set  him  alongside  of  Dan'l,  with  his  fore-paws  just 
even  with  Dan'l's,  and  I'll  give  the  word."  Then  he  says,  "One — two — 
three — git  /"  and  him  and  the  feller  touched  up  the  frogs  from  behind,  and 
the  new  frog  hopped  off  lively,  but  Dan'l  gave  a  heave,  and  hysted  up  his 
shoulders — so — like  a  Frenchman,  but  it  warn't  no  use — he  couldn't  budge ; 
he  was  planted  as  solid  as  a  church,  and  he  couldn't  no  more  stir  than  if  he 
was  anchored  out.  Smiley  was  a  good  deal  surprised,  and  he  was  disgusted 
too,  but  he  didn't  have  no  idea  what  the  matter  was,  of  course. 

The  feller  took  the  money  and  started  away  ;  and  when  he  was  going  out 
at  the  door,  he  sorter  jerked  his  thumb  over  his  shoulder— so— at  Dan'l,  and 
says  again,  very  deliberate,  "Well,"  he  says,  "/don't  see  no  p'ints  about 
that  frog  that's  any  better'n  any  other  frog." 

^\\  v  n  «  n 


98;  SKETCHES   BY   MA  UK   TWAIN. 

Smiley  he  s^oocl  scratching  hi&  head  and  looking  down  at  Dan'l  a  long 
time,,  and  at  last  he  says,  "I  do  wonder  what  in  the  nation  that  frogthrow'd 
off  for — I  wonder  if  there  ain't  something  the  matter  with  him — he  'pears  to 
look  mighty  ,baggy,  somehow."  And  he  ketched  Dan'l  by  the  nap  of  the 
neck,  and  hefted  him,  and  says,  "  Why,  blame  my  cats  if  he  don't  weigh  five 
pound !"  and  turned  him  upside  down  and  he' belched  out  a  double  handful 
of  shot.  And  then  he  see  how  it  was,  and  he  was  the  maddest  man — he  set 
the  frog  down  and  took  out  after  that  feller,  but  he  never  ketched  him. 
And---" 

[Here  Simon  Wheeler  heard  his  name  called  from  the  front  yard,  and  got 
up  to  see  what  was  wanted.]  And  turning  to  me  as  he  moved  away,  he 
said :  "Just  set  where  yon  are,  stranger,  and  rest  easy — I  ain't  going  to  be 
gone  a  second." 

But,  by  your  leave,  I  did  not  think  that  a  continuation  of  the  history  of 
the  enterprising  vagabond  Jim  Smiley  would  be  likely  to  afford  me  much 
information  concerning  the  Rev.  Leonidas  W.  Smiley,  and  so  I  started 
away. 

At  the  door  I  met  the  sociable  Wheeler  returning,  and  he  button-holed  me 
and  re-commenced  : 

"Well,  thish-yer  Smiley  had  a  yaller  one-eyed  cow  that  didn't  have  no 
tail,  only  jest  a  short  stump  like  a  bannanner,  and  — 

However,  lacking  both  time  and  inclination,  I  did  not  wait;  to  hear  about 
Vlis  afflicted  cow,  but  took  my  leave. 


Now  let  the  learned  look  upon  this  picture  and  say  if 
iconoclasm  can  further  go : 

[From  the  Revue  des  Deux  Mondes,  of  July  15th,  1872.] 
LA  GRENOUILLE  SANTEUSE  DU  COMTE  DE  CALAVERAS. 


— II  y  avait  une  fois  ici  un  individu  connu  sous  le  nom  de  Jim  Smiley  : 
c'dtait  dans  1'hiver  de  49,  peut-etre  bien  au  printemps  de  50,  je  ne  me  rap- 
pelle  pas  exactement.  Ce  qui  me  fait  croire  que  c'dtait  1'un  ou  1'autre,  c'est 
que  je  me  souviens  que  le  grand  bief  n'e'tait  pas  acheve'  lorsqu'il  arriva  au 
camp  pour  la  premiere  fois,  mais  de  toutes  fapons  il  e"tait  1'homme  le  lus 
friand  de  paris  qui  se  put  voir,  pariant  sur  tout  ce  qui  se  pre"santait,  quand 
il  poxivait  trouver  un  adversaire,  et,  quand  il  n'en  trouvait  pas  il  passa  it  du 
c6t£  oppose*.  Tout  ce  que  oonvenait  a  1'autre  lui  convenait ;  pourvu  qu'il  cut 


THL   JUMPING   FROG.  UU 

un  pari,  Smiley  e'tait  satisfait.  Et  il  avait  une  chance  !  une  chance  inouie  : 
presque  toujours  il  gagnait.  II  faut  dire  qu'il  e'tait  toujours  pret  a  s'  exposer, 
qu'  on  nepouvait  mentionner  la  nioindre  chose  sans  que  ce  garllard  offre't  de 
parier  ladessus  n'importe  quoi  et  de  prendre  le  cote*  que  Ton  voudrait,  comme 
je  vous  le  disais  tout  a  1'heure.  S'il  y  avait  des  courses,  vous  le  trouviez  riche 
ou  mine'  a  la  fin  ;  s'il  yavait  un  combat  de  chiens  il  apportait  son  enjue  ;  il  Tap, 
portait  pour  un  combat  de  chats,  pour  un  combat  de  coqs  ; — parbleu  !  si 
vous  aviez  vu  deux  oiseaux  sur  une  haie,  il  vous  aurait  offert  de  parier  Ic- 
quel  s'envolerait  le  premier,  et,  s'il  y  avait  meeting  au  camp,  il  venait  parier 
regulibrement  pour  le  cure"  Walker,  qu'il  jugeat  etre  le  meilleur  prddicateur 
des  environs,  et  qui  I'e'tait  en  effet,  et  en  brave  homme.  II  aurait  rencon 
tre"  une  punaise  de  bois  en  chemin,  qu'il  aurait  par#  sur  le  temps  qu'il  lui 
faudrait  pour  aller  ou  elle  vaudrait  aller,  et,  si  vous  1'aviez  pris  au  mot,  il 
aurait  suivi  la  punaise  jusqu'au  Mexique,  sans  se  soucier  d'aller  si  loin,  ni  du 
temps  qu'il  y  perdrait.  Une  fois  la  femme  du  cure*  Walker  fut  toe's  malade 
pendant  longtemps,  il  semblait  qu'on  no  la  sauverait  pas ;  mais  un  matin 
le  cure'  arrive,  et  Smiley  lui  demande  comment  elle  va,  et  il  dit  qu'elle  est 
bien  mieux,  gr&ce  a  1'infinie  mise'ricorde,  tellement  mieux  qu'avec  la  be'ne'- 
diction  de  la  providence  elle  s'en  tirerait,  et  voila  que,  sans  y  penser,  Smiley 
repond  : — Eh  bien  !  je  gage  deux  et  demi  qu'elle  mourra  tout  de  me'rne. 

"Ce  Smiley  avait  une  jument  que  les  gars  appelaient  le  bidet  du  quart 
d'heure,  mais  seulement  pour  plaisanter,  vous  comprenez,  parce  que,  bien  en- 
tendu,  elle  e'tait  plus  vite  que  9a !  Et  il  avait  coutume  de  gagner  de  1'argent 
avec  cette  b£te,  quoiqu'elle  fut  poussive,  cornarde,  toujours  prise 
d'asthme,  de  coliques  ou  de  consumption,  ou  de  quelque  chose  d'approch- 
ant.  On  lui  donnait  2  ou  300  yards  au  depart,  puis  on  la  de"passait  sans 
peine  ;  mais  jamais  a  la  fin  elle  ne  manquait  de  s'dchauffer,  des  exaspdrer,  et 
elle  arrivait,  s'dcartant,  se  defendant,  ses  jambes  greles  en  1'air  devant  les 
obstacles,  quelquefois  les  eVitant  et  faisant  avec  cela  plus  de  poussieVe 
qu'aucun  cheval,  plus  de  bruit  surtout  avec  ses  e"ternumens  et  reniflemens, 
— crac !  elle  arrivaif,  done  toujours  premiere  d'une  tete,  aussi  juste  qu'on 
peut  le  mesurer.  Et  il  avait  un  petit  bouledogue  qui,  a  le  voir,  ne  valait 
pas  un  sue ;  on  aurait  cru  que  parier  contre  lui  c'e'tait  voler,  tant  il  e'tait 
ordinaire ;  mais  aussitot  les  enjeux  fuits,  il  devinait  un  autre  chien.  Sa 
machoire  inf^irieure  commen9ait  a  ressortir  comme  un  gaillard  d'avant,  ses 
dentes  se  ddcouvraient  brillantes  comme  des  fournaises,  et  un  chien  pouvait 
le  ta  quiner,  1'exciter,  lo  mordre,  le  Jeter  deux  ou  trois  fois  par-dessus  son 
e"paule,  Alidre"  Jackson,  c'^tait  le  nom  du  chien,  Andrd  Jackson  prenait  cela 
tranquillement,  comme  s'il  ne  se  fut  jamais  attendu  a  autre  chose,  et 
quand  les  paris  e'taient  doubles  et  redouble's  contre  lui,  il  vous  saisissait 
1'autre  chien  juste  a  1'articulation  de  la  jambe  de  derriere,  et  il  ne  la  lachait 
plus,  non  pas  qu'il  la  m&chat,  vous  concevez,  mais  il  s'y  serait  tenu  pendu 
juaqu'a  ce  qu'on  jetat  1'eponge  en  1'air,  faliut-il  attendi-e  un  an.  Smiley 


100  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

gagnait    roujoura    avec    cette  bete-la;   malheureusement   ils   ont   fini  par 

dresser  un  chien  qui  n'avait  pas  de  pattes  de  derriere,  parce  qu'on  les  avait 

seizes,  et  quand  les  choses  furent  au  point  qu'il  voulait,  et  qu'il  en  vint  a  se 

jeter  sur  son  morceau  favori,  le  pauvre  chien  comprit  en  un  instant  qu'on 

s'dtait  moque'  de  lui,  et  que  1'autre  le  tenait.     Vous  n'avez  jamais  vu  personne 

avoir  1'air  plus  penaud  et  plus  de'courage';  il  ne  fit  aucun  effort  pour  gagner  le 

combat  et  fut  rudeinent  secoue',  de  sorte  que,  regardant  Smiley  comme  pour 

lui  dire: — Mon  coeur  est  brise",  c'est  ta  faute;  pourquoi  m'avoir  livre"  a  un 

chien  qui  n'a  pas  de  pattes  de  derrie're,  puisque  c'est  par  la  que  je  les  bats? — 

il  s'en  alia  en  clopinant,  et  se  coucha  pour  mourir.     Ah  !  c'dtait  un  bon  chien, 

c  et  Andre"  Jackson,  et  il  se  serait  fait  un  nom.,  s'il  avait  ve"cu,  car  il  y  avait 

de  1'etoffe  en  lui,  il  avait  du  ge"nie,  je  le  sais,  bien  que  de  grandes  occasions 

lui  aient  manque;  mais  il  est  impossible  de  supposer  qu'un  chien  capable  de 

:  c  battre  comme  lui,  certaines  circonstances  e'tant  donne'es,  ait  manque*  de 

talent.     Je  me  sens  triste  toutes  les  fois  que  je  pense  a  son  dernier  combat 

eb  au  ddnoument  qu'il  a  lu.     Eh  bien  !  ce  Smiley  nourrissait  des  terriers  a 

;  ats,  et  des  coqs  de  combat,  et  des  chats,  et  toute  sorte  de  choses,  au  point 

qu'il  e"tait  tou jours  en  mesure  de  vous  tenir  tete,  et  qu'avec  sa  rage  de  paris 

on  n'avait  plus  de  repos.     II  attrapa  un  jour  une  grenouille  et  1'emporta  chez 

lui,  disant  qu'il  pre'tendait  faire  son  Education ;  vous  me  croirez  si  vous  voulez, 

mais  pendant  trois  mois  il  n'a  rien  fait  que  lui  apprendre  a  sauter  dans  une 

cour  retiree  de  sa  maison.     Et  je  vous  responds  qu'il  avait  reussi.     II  lai  don. 

nait  un  petit  coup  par  derriere,  et  1'instant  d'apre"s  vous  voyiez  la  grenouille 

tourner   en  1'air  comme  un  beignet  au-dessus  de  la  poele,  faire  une  culbute, 

quelquefois  deux,  lorsqu'elle   etait  bein  partie,  et  retomber  sur  ses  pattes 

comme  un  chat.  II  1'avait  dressce  dans  1'art  degober  des  mouches,  dtl'y  exercait 

continuellement,  si  bien  qu'une  mouclie,  du  plus  loin  qu'elle  apparaissait, 

etait  une  mouche  perdue.     Smiley  avait  contume  de  dire  que  tout  ce  qui 

manquait  a  une  grenouille,  e'dtait  I'e'ducation,  qu'avec  I'e'ducation  elle  pou- 

vait  faire  presque  tout,  et  je  le  crois.     Tenez,  je  1'ai  vu  poser  Daniel  Webster 

la  sur  ce  plancher. — Daniel  Webster  etait  le  nom  de  la  grenouille, — et  lui 

chanter: — Des  mouches  !  Daniel,  des  mouches  ! — En  un  clin  d'ceil,  Daniel 

avait  bondi  et  saisi  une  mouche  ici  sur  le  comptoir,  puis  saute*  de  nouveau 

par  terre,  ou  il  restait  vraiment  a  se  gratter  la  tete  avec  sa  patte  de  derriere, 

comme  s'il  n'avait  pas  eu  la  moindre  ide"e  de  sa  superiority.     Jamais  vous 

n'avez  grenouille  vu  de  aussi  modeste,  aussi  naturelle,  doue"e  comme  elle 

Te'tait !    Et  quand  il  s'agissait  de  sauter  purement  et  simplement  sur  terrain 

i,l:-.t,  elle  faisait  plus  de  chemin  en  un  saut  qu'aucune  bete  de  son  espece  que 

vous  puissiez  connaitre.     Sauter  a  plat,  c'dtait  son  fort !     Quand  il  s'agissait 

de  cela,   Smiley  entassait  les  enjeux  sur  elle  tant  qu'il  lui,  restait  un  rouge 

Hard.     II  faut  le  reconnaitre,    Smiley  e'tait  monstrueusement  fier  de  sa 

grenouille,  et  il  en  avait  le  droit,  car  des  gens  qui  avaient  voyage",  qui  avaient 

tout  vu,  disaierit  qu'on  lui  ferait  injure  de  la  comparer  a  une  autre;  de 


THE   JUMPING   FT? 00.  101 

qne  Smiley  gardait  Daniel  dans  une  petite  boite  a  claire-voie  qu'il  emporta 
it  parfois  a  la  ville  pour  quelque  pari. 

"Un  jour,  un  individu,  dtranger  au  camp  I'arre'te  avec  sa  bolte  et  lui  dit: 
— Qu'est-ce  que  vous  avez  done  serre*  la  dedans  ? 

"Smiley  dit  d'un  air  indifferent: — Cela  puorrait  etre  un  perroquet  ou  un 
serin,  mais  ce  u'est  rien  de  pareil,  ce  n'est  qu'une  grenouille. 

"L'individu  la  prend,  la  regarde  ayec  soin,  la  tourne  d'un  c&td  ct  dc  Pau- 
tre  puss  il  dit. — Tiens !  en  effet !  A  quoi  est-elle  bonne? 

" — Mon  Dieu !  re'pond  Smiley,  tou jours  d'un  air  degagd,  elle  est  bonne 
pour  une  chose  a  mon  avis,  elle  peut  battre  en  sautant  toute  grenouille  du 
comte'  de  Calaveras. 

"L'individua  reprenc1  la  boite,  1'examine  de  nouveau  longuement,  et  la 
rend  a  Smiley  en  disant  d'un  air  delibe're': — Eh  bien !  je  ne  vois  pas  que  cette 
grenouille  ait  rien  de  mieux  qu'aucune  grenouille. 

" — Possible  que  vous  ne  le  voyiez  pas,  dit  Smiley,  possible  que  vous  vous 
entendiez  en  grenouilles,  possible  que  vous  ne  vous  y  entendez  point,  possible 
que  vous  ayez  de  1'experience,  et  possible  qne  vous  ne  soyez  qu'un  amateur. 
De  toute  maniere,  je  parie  quarante  dollars  qu'elle  battra  en  sautant  n'importe 
qu'elle  grenouille  du  comte  de  Calaveras. 

"L'individu  re'fle'chit  une  seconde  et  dit  comme  attriste': — Je  nesuis qu'un 
(Stranger  ici,  je  n'ai  pas  de  grenouille;  mais,  si  j'en  avis  une,  je  tiendrais  le 
pari. 

" — Fort  bien !  re'pond  Smiley.  Ilien  de  plus  facile.  Si  vous  voulez  tenir 
ma  boite  une  minute,  j'irai  vous  chercher  une  grenouille. — Voiladonc  1'incli- 
vidu  qui  garde  la  boite,  qui  met  ses  quarante  dollars  sur  ceux  de  Smiley  et 
qui  attend.  II  attend  assez  longtemps,  re'fle'chissant  tout  seul,  et  figurez-vous 
qu'il  prend  Daniel,  lui  ouvre  la  bouche  de  force  et  avec  une  cuiller  a  the* 
1'emplit  de  menu  plomb  de  chasse,  mais  1'emplit  jusqu'au  menton,  puis  il  le 
pose  par  terre.  Smiley  pendant  ce  temps  etait  a  barboter  dans  une  mare. 
Finalement  il  attrape  une  grenouille,  1'apporte  a  cet  individu  et  dit: — Main- 
tenant,  si  vous  etes  pret,  mattez-la  tout  contre  Daniel,  avec  leurs  pattes  de 
devant  sur  lamemeligne,  et  je  donneraile  signal; — puisil  ajoute: — Un,  deux, 
rois,  sautez ! 

"  Lui  et  1'individu  touchent  leurs  grenouilles  par  derriere,  et  la  grenouille 
neuve  se  met  a  sautiller,  mais  Daniel  se  souleve  lourdement,  hausse  les 
e"paules  ainsi,  comme  un  Frain9ais;  a  quoi  bon?  il  ne  pouvait  bouger,  il  e'tait 
plantd  solide  comme  une  enclume,  il  nV.vancait  pas  puls  que  si  ou  1'eut  mis 
a  1'ancre.  Smiley  fut  surpris  et  de'goute',  mais  il  ne  se  doutait  pas  du  tour, 
bien  entendu.  L'individu  empoche  Targent,  s'en  va,  et  en  s'en  allant  est-ce 
qu'il  ne  donne  pas  un  coup  de  pouce  par-dessus  Id'paule,  comme  fa,  au  pauvre 
Daniel,  en  disant  de  son  air  de'libe're: — Eh  bien!  je  ne  vois  pas  que  e-"-> 
grenouille  ait  rien  de  mieux  qu'une  autre. 

' '  Smiley  se  gratta  longtemps  la  tSte,  les  y  eux  fixe's  LUV  Daniel,  jusqu'a  ce 


IQ2  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

qu'enfin  il  dit: — Je  me  demande  comment  diable  il  se  fait  que  cette  b£teait 
refuse". .  .Est-ce  qxi'elle  aurait  quelque  chose  ? . .  .On  croirait  qu'elle  est  enflde. 

"II  empoigne  Daniel  par  la  peau  du  cou,  le  souleve  et  dit: — Le  loup  me 
croque,  s'il  ne  pese  pas  cinq  livres. 

"II  le  retourne,  et  le  malheureux  crache  deux  poigne'es  de  plomb.  Quand 
Smiley  reconnut  ce  qui  en  e*tait,  il  fut  comme  fou.  Vous  le  voyez  d'ici  poser 
sa  grenouille  par  terre  et  courir  apres  cet  individu,  mais  il  ne  le  ratfcrapa 
jamais,  et. . ." 


[Translation  of  the  above  "bade  from  the  Frenc7i.\ 

THE   FROG   JUMPING   OF   THE   COUNTY   OF 
CALAVERAS. 


It  there  was  one  time  here  an  individual  known  under 
the  name  of  Jim  Smiley :  it  was  in  the  winter  of  '49, 
possibly  well  at  the  spring  of  '50,  I  no  me  recollect  not 
exactly.  This  which  me  makes  to  believe  that  it  was  the 
one  or  the  other,  it  is  that  I  shall  remember  that  the 
grand  flume  is  not  achieved  when  he  arrives  at  the  camp 
for  the  first  time,  but  of  all  aides  he  was  the  man  the  most 
fond  of  to  bet  which  one  have  seen,  betting  upon  all  that 
svhich  is  presented,  when  he  could  find  an  adversary ;  and 
when  he  not  of  it  could  not,  he  passed  to  the  side  opposed. 
All  that  which  convenienced  to  the  other,  to  him  conven- 
icnced  also ;  seeing  that  he  had  a  bet,  Smiley  was  satisfied. 
And  he  had  a  chance  !  a  chance  even  worthless :  nearly 
always  he  gained.  It  must  to  say  that  he  was  always 
near  to  himself  expose,  but  one  no  could  mention  the 
least  thing  without  that  this  gaillard  offered  to  bet  the 


THE   JUMPING   FROG.  103 

bottom,  no  matter  what,  and  to  take  the  side  that  one  him 
would,  as  I  you  it  said  all  at  the  hour  (tout  a  1'heure).  If 
it  there  was  of  races,  you  him  find  rich  or  ruined  at  the 
end  ;  if  it  there  is  a  combat  of  dogs,  he  bring  his  bet ;  he 
himself  laid  always  for  a  combat  of  cats,  for  a  combat  of 
cocks  ; — by-blue  !  if  you  have  see  two  birds  upon  a  fence, 
he  you  should  have  offered  of  to  bet  which  of  those  birds 
shall  fly  the  first ;  and  if  there  is  meeting  at  the  camp 
(meeting  au  camp)  he  comes  to  bet  regularly  for  the  cure 
Walker,  which  he  judged  to  be  the  best  predicator  of  the 
neighburhood  (pre'dicateur  des  environs)  and  which  he  was 
in  effect,  and  a  brave  man.  He  would  encounter  a  bug  of 
wood  in  the  road,  whom  he  will  bet  upon  the  time  which  he 
shall  take  to  go  where  she  would  go — and  if  you  him  have 
take  at  the  word,  he  will  follow  the  bug  as  far  as  Mexique, 
without  himself  caring  to  go  so  far ;  neither  of  the  time 
which  he  there  lost.  One  time  the  woman  of  the  cure 
Walker  is  very  sick  during  long  time,  it  seemed  that  one  not 
her  saved  not ;  but  one  morning  the  cure  arrives,and  Smiley 
him  demanded  how  she  goes,  and  he  said  that  she  is  well 
better,  grace  to  the  infinite  misery  (lui  demande  comment 
elle  va,  et  il  dit  qu'elle  est  bien  mieux,  grace  a  I'infinit 
misericorde)  so  much  better  that  with  the  benediction  of 
the  Providence  she  herself  of  it  would  pull  out  (elle  s'en 
tirerait) ;  and  behold  that  without  there  thinking  Smiley 
responds :  "  Well,  I  gage  two-and-half  that  she  will  die 
all  of  same." 

This  Smiley  had  an  animal  which  the  boys  called  the 
nag  of  the  quarter  of  hour,  but  solely  for  pleasantry,  you 


10'tt  SKETCHES  BY  MARK    TWAIN". 

comprehend,  because,  well  understand,  she  was  more  fast 
as  that !     [Now  why  that  exclamation  ? — M.  T.]     And  it 
was  custom  of  to  gain  of  the  silver  with  this  beast,  not 
withstanding  she  was  poussive,  cornarde,  always  taken  of 
asthma,  of  colics,  or  of  consumption,  or  something  of  ap 
proaching.     One  him  would  give  two  or  three  hundred 
yards  at  the  departure,  then  one  him  passed  without  pain ; 
but  never  at  the  last  she  not  fail  of  herself  echauffer,  of 
herself  exasperate,  and  she  arrives  herself  ecartant,  se  de 
fendant,  her  legs  greles  in  the  air  before  the  obstacles, 
sometimes  them  elevating  and  making  with  this  more  of 
dust  than  any  horse,  more  of  noise  above  with  his  eternu- 
mens  and  reniflemens — crac !  she  arrives  then  always  first 
by  one  head,  as  just  as  one  can  it  measure.     And  he  had 
a  small  bull  dog  (boule  dogue !)  who,  to  him  see,  no  value, 
not  a  cent ;  one  would  believe  that  to  bet  against  him  it 
was  to  steal,  so  much  he  was  ordinary ;  but  as  soon  as  the 
game  made,  she  becomes  another  dog.     Her  jaw  inferior 
commence  to  project  like  a  deck  of  before,  his  teeth  them 
selves  discover  brilliant  like  some  furnaces,  and  a  dog 
could  him  tackle  (le  taquiner),  him  excite,  him  murder 
(le  mordre),  him  throw  two  or  three  times  over  his  shoul 
der,  Andre  Jackson — this  was  the  name  of  the  dog — 
Andr6  Jackson  takes  that  tranquilly,  as  if  he  not  himself 
'  was  never  expecting  other  thing,  and  when  the  bets  were 
doubled  and  redoubled  against  him,  he  you  seize  the  other 
dog  just  at  the  articulation  of  the  leg  of  behind,  and  he 
not  it  leave  more,  not  that  he  it  masticate,  you  conceive, 
but  he  himself  there  shall  be  holding  during  until  that 


THE  JUMPING   FROG.  105 

one  throws  the  sponge  in  the  air,  must  he  wait  a  year. 
Smiley  gained  always  with  this  beast-la  ;  unhappily  they 
have  finished  by  elevating  a  dog  who  no  had  not  of  feet 
of  behind,  because  one  them  had  sawed ;  and  when  things 
were  at  the  point  that  he  would,  and  that  he  came  to 
himself  throw  upon  his  morsel  favourite,  the  poor  dog  com 
prehended  in  an  instant  that  he  himself  was  deceived  in 
him,  and  that  the  other  dog  him  had.  You  no  have 
never  see  person  having  the  air  more  penaud  and  more 
discouraged ;  he  not  made  no  effort  to  gain  the  combat, 
and  was  rudely  shucked. 

Eh  bien!  this  Smiley  nourished  some  terriers  a  rats,  and 
some  cocks  of  combat,  arid  some  cats,  and  all  sort  of  things  ; 
and  with  his  rage  of  betting  one  no  had  more  of  repose. 
He  trapped  one  day  a  frog  and  him  imported  with  him 
(et  1'emporta  chez  lui)  saying  that  he  pretended  to  make 
his  education.  You  me  believe  if  you  will,  but  during 
three  months  he  not  has  nothing  done  but  to  him  appre 
hend  to  jump  (apprendre  a  sauter)  in  a  court  retired  of  her 
mansion  (de  sa  maison).  And  I  you  respond  that  he  have 
succeeded.  He  him  gives  a  small  blow  by  behind,  and 
the  instant  after  you  shall  see  the  frog  turn  in  the  air  like 
a  grease-biscuit,  make  one  summersault,  sometimes  two, 
when  she  was  well  started,  and  refall  upon  his  feet  like  a 
cat.  He  him  had  accomplished  in  the  art  of  to  gobble  the 
flies  (gober  des  mouches),  and  him  there  exercised  con 
tinually — so  well  that  a  fly  at  the  most  far  that  she  ap 
peared  was  a  fly  lost.  Smiley  had  custom  to  say  that  all 
which  lacked  to  a  frog  it  was  the  education,  but  with  the 


LOG  SKETCHES   BY   MAKK   TWAIN. 

education  she  could  do  nearly  all — and  I  him  believe. 
Tenez,  I  him  have  seen  pose  Daniel  Webster  there  upon 
this  plank — Daniel  Webster  was  the  name  of  the  frog — 
and  to  him  sing,  "Some  flies,  Daniel,  some  flies!" — in  a 
flash  of  the  eye  Daniel  had  bounded  and  seized  a 
fly  here  upon  the  counter,  then  jumped  anew  at  the  earth, 
where  he  rested  truly  to  himself,  scratch  the  head  with  his 
behind-foot,  as  if  he  no  had  not  the  least  idea  of  his 
superiority.  Never  you  not  have  seen  frog  as  modest,  as 
natural,  sweet  as  she  was.  And  when  he  himself  agitated 
to  jump  purely  and  simply  upon  plain  earth,  she  does 
more  ground  in  one  jump  than  any  beast  of  his  species 
than  you  can  know.  To  jump  plain — this  was  his 
strong.  When  he  himself  agitated  for  that,  Smiley 
multiplied  the  bets  upon  her  as  long  as  there  to  him  re 
mained  a  red.  It  must  to  know,  Smiley  was  monstrously 
proud  of  his  frog,  and  he  of  it  was  right,  for  some  men 
who  were  travelled,  who  had  all  seen,  said  that  they  to 
him  would  be  injurious  to  him  compare  to  another  frog. 
Smiley  guarded  Daniel  in  a  lit  lie  box  latticed  which  he 
carried  bytimes  to  the  village  for  some  bet. 

One  day  an  individual  stranger  at  the  camp  him  ar 
rested  with  his  box  and  him  said: 

"What  is  this  that  you  have  then  shut  up  there  within?" 

Smiley  caid,  with  an  air  indifferent: 

"That  could  be  a  paroquet,  or  a  syringe  (ou  un  serin), 
but  this  no  is  nothing  of  such,  it  not  is  but  a  frog." 

The  individual  it  took,  it  regarded  with  care,  it  turned 
from  one  side  and  from  the  other  then  he  said: 


TIJE   JUMPING    FROG.  107 

"Tiens!  in  effect!— At  what  is  she  good?" 

"  My  God  ! "  respond  Smiley,  always  with  an  air  dis 
engaged,  "  she  is  good  for  one  thing,  to  my  notice,  (a  moL 
avis)  she  can  batter  in  jumping  (elle  peut  batter  en 
sautant)  all  frogs  of  the  county  of  Calaveras." 

The  individual  re-took  the  box,  it  examined  of  new 
longly,  and  it  rendered  to  Smiley  in  saying  with  an  air 
deliberate : 

"  Eh  bien !  I  no  saw  not  that  that  frog  had  nothing  of 
better  than  each  frog.  (Je  ne  vois  pas  que  cette  gren- 
ouille  ait  rien  de  mieux  qu'aucune  greiiouille).  [If  that 
isn't  grammar  gone  to  seed,  then  I  count  myself  no  judge. 

M.  T.] 

"  Possible  that  you  not  it  saw  not,"  said  Smiley,  "  possi 
ble  that  you — you  comprehend  frogs ;  possible  that  you 
not  you  there  comprehend  nothing ;  possible  that  you  had 
of  the  experience  and  possible  that  you  not  be  but  an 
amateur.  Of  all  manner,  (De  toute  maniere)  I  bet  forty 
dollars  that  she  batter  in  jumping  no  matter  which  frog 
of  the  county  of  Calaveras." 

The  individual  reflected  a  second,  and  said  like  sad : 

"  I  not  am  but  a  stranger  here,  I  no  have  not  a  frog ; 
but  if  I  of  it  had  one,  I  would  embrace  the  bet." 

"  Strong  well ! "  respond  Smiley ;  "  nothing  of  more 
facility.  If  you  will  hold  my  box  a  minute,  I  go  you  to 
search  a  frog  (j'  irai  vous  chercher)." 

Behold,  then  the  individual,  who  guards  the  box,  who 
put  his  forty  dollars  upon  those  of  Smiley,  and  who  at 
tends,  (et  qui  attend).  He  attended  enough  long-times 


1G'3  SKETCHES   BY    MARK   TWA  IX 

reflecting  all  solely.  And  figure  you  that  he  takes  Daniel, 
him  opens  the  mouth  by  force  and  with  a  tea-spoon  him 
fills  with  shot  of  the  hunt,  even  him  fills  just  to  the  chin, 
then  he  him  puts  by  the  earth.  Smiley  during  these 
times  was  at  slopping  in  a  swamp.  Finally  he  trapped 
(attrape)  a  frog,  him  carried  to  that  individual,  and  said : 

"  Now  if  you  be  ready,  put  him  all  against  Daniel,  with 
their  bef ore-feet  upon  the  same  line,  and  I  give  the  signal ; " 
then  he  added :  "  One,  two,  three, — advance  I" 

Him  and  the  individual  touched  their  frogs  by  behind, 
and  the  frog  new  put  to  jump  smartly,  but  Daniel  him 
self  lifted  ponderously,  exalted  the  shoulders  thus,  like  a 
Frenchman — to  what  good  ?  he  not  could  budge,  he  is 
planted  solid  like  a  church,  he  not  advance  no  more  than 
if  one  him  had  put  at  the  anchor. 

Smiley  was  surprised  and  disgusted,  but  he  not  him 
self  doubted  not  one  of  the  turn  being  intended  (mais  il 
ne  se  doutait  pas  du  tour,  bien  entendu).  The  individual 
cmpocketed  the  silver,  himself  with  it  went,  and  of  it 
himself  in  going  is  it  that  he  no  gives  not  a  jerk  of  thumb 
over  the  shoulder — like  that — at  the  poor  Daniel,  in  say 
ing  with  his  air  deliberate — (L'  individu  empoche  1'argent, 
s'en  va  et  en  s'en  allant  est  ce  qu'il  ne  donne  pas  un  coup 
de  pouce  par-dessus  1'epaule,  comme  ca,  au  pauvre  Daniel, 
endisant  de  son  air  delibere) : 

"  Eh  bien !  /  no  see  not  that  that  frog  has  nothing  of 
Letter  than  another." 

Smiley  himself  scratched  longtimes  the  head,  the  eyes 
fixed  upon  Daniel,  until  that  which  at  last  he  said : 


THE  JUMPING   FROG.  109 

"  I  me  demand  how  the  devil  it  makes  itself  that  this 
beast  has  refused.  Is  it  that  she  had  something  ?  One 
would  believe  that  she  is  stuffed." 

He  grasped  Daniel  by  the  skin  of  the  neck,  him  lifted 
and  said : 

"  The  wolf  me  bite  if  he  no  weigh  not  five  pounds." 

He  him  reversed  and  the  unhappy  belched  two  hand- 
fuls  of  shot  (et  le  malhereus,  etc). — When  Smiley  recog 
nized  how  it  was,  he  was  like  mad.  He  deposited  his 
frog  by  the  earth  and  ran  after  that  individual,  but  he 
not  him  caught  never. 

Such  is  the  Jumping  Frog,  to  the  distorted  French  eye. 
I  claim  that  I  never  put  together  such  an  odious  mixture 
of  bad  grammar  and  delirium  tremens  in  my  life.  And 
what  has  a  poor  foreigner  like  me  done,  to  be  abused  and 
misrepresented  like  this?  When  I  say,"  Well,  I  don't 
see  no  p'ints  about  that  frog  that's  any  better'n  any  other 
frog,"  is  it  kind,  is  it  just,  for  this  Frenchman  to  try  to 
make  it  appear  that  I  said,  "  Eh  bien  !  I  no  saw  not  that 
that  frog  had  nothing  of  better  than  each  frog  ?"  I  have 
no  heart  to  write  more.  I  never  felt  so  about  anything 
before. 


SKETCHES   BY    MARK   TWA IX. 


MY  WATCH. 

AN    INSTRUCTIVE   LITTLE   TALE. 


MY  beautiful  new  watch  had  run  eighteen  months  with 
out  loosing  or  gaining,  and  without  breaking  any 
part  of  its  machinery  or  stopping.  I  had  come  to  believe 
it  infallible  in  its  judgments  about  the  time  of  day,  and  to 
consider  its  constitution  and  its  anatomy  imperishable. 
But  at  last,  one  night,  I  let  it  run  down.  I  grieved 
about  it  as  if  it  were  a  recognized  messenger  and  forerun 
ner  of  calamity.  But  by-and-by  I  cheered  up,  set  the 
watch  by  guess,  and  commanded  my  bodings  and  super 
stitions  to  depart.  Next  day  I  stepped  into  the  chief 
jeweller's  to  set  it  by  the  exact  time,  and  the  head  of  the 
establishment  took  it  out  of  my  hand  and  proceeded  to 
set  it  for  me.  Then  he  said,  "  She  is  four  minutes  slow — 
regulator  wants  pushing  up."  I  tried  to  stop  him — tried 
to  make  him  understand  that  the  watch  kept  perfect 
time.  But  no ;  all  this  human  cabbage  could  see  was 
that  the  watch  was  four  minutes  slow,  and  the  regulator 
must  be  pushed  up  a  little ;  and  so,  while  I  danced 
around  him  in  anguish,  and  implored  him  to  let  the  watch 
alone,  he  calmly  and  cruelly  did  the  shameful  deed.  My 


MY  WATCH.  11] 

watch  began  to  gain.  It  gained  faster  and  faster  day  by 
day.  Within  the  week  it  sickened  to  a  raging  fever,  and 
its  pulse  went  up  to  a  hundred  and  fifty  in  the  shade. 
At  the  end  of  two  months  it  had  left  all  the  timepieces 
of  the  town  far  in  the  rear,  and  was  a  fraction  over  thir 
teen  days  ahead  of  the  almanac.  It  was  away  into  No 
vember  enjoying  the  snow,  while  the  October  leaves  were 
still  turning.  It  hurried  up  house  rent,  bills  payable,  and 
such  things,  in  such  a  ruinous  way  that  I  could  not  abide 
it.  I  took  it  to  the.  watchmaker  to  be  regulated.  He 
asked  me  if  I  had  ever  had  it  repaired.  I  said  no,  it  had 
never  needed  any  repairing.  He  looked  a  look  of  vicious 
happiness  and  eagerly  pried  the  watch  open,  and  then 
put  a  small  dice  box  into  his  eye  and  peered  into  its 
machinery.  He  said  it  wanted  cleaning  and  oiling,  be 
sides  regulating — come  in  a  week.  After  being  cleaned 
and  oiled,  and  regulated,  my  watch  slowed  down  to  that 
degree  that  it  ticked  like  a  tolling  bell.  I  began  to  be 
left  by  trains,  i  failed  all  appointments,  I  got  to  missing 
my  dinner ;  my  watch  strung  out  three  days'  grace  to 
four  and  let  me  go  to  protest ;  I  gradually  drifted  back 
into  yesterday,  then  day  before,  then  into  last  week,  and 
by-and-by  the  comprehension  carne  upon  me  that  all  soli 
tary  and  alone  I  was  lingering  along  in  week  before  last,  and 
the  world  was  out  of  sight.  I  seemed  to  detect  in  myself 
a  sort  of  sneaking  fellow-feeling  "for  the  mitmmy  in  tho 
museum,  and  a  desire  to  swap  news  with  him.  I  went  to 
a  watchmaker  again.  He  took  the  watch  "all  to  pieces 
while  I  waited,  and  then  said  the  barrel  was  <:  swelled." 


112  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN,, 

He  said  lie  could  reduce  it  in  three  days.  After  this  the 
watch  averaged  well,  but  nothing  more.  For  half  a  day 
it  would  go  like  the  very  mischief,  and  keep  up  such  a 
barking  and  wheezing,  and  whooping  and  sneezing  and 
snorting,  that  I  could  not  hear  myself  think  for  the  dis 
turbance  ;  and  as  long  as  it  held  out  there  was  not  a 
watch  in  the  land  that  stood  any  chance  against  it.  But 
the  rest  of  the  day  it  would  keep  on  slowing  down  and 
fooling  along  until  all  the  clocks  it  had  left  behind  caught 
up  again.  So  at  last,  at  the  end  of  twenty-four  hours,  it 
would  trot  up  to  the  judges'  stand  all  right  and  just  in 
time.  It  would  show  a  fair  and  square  average,  and  no 
man  could  say  it  had  done  more  or  less  than  its  duty. 
But  a  correct  average  is  only  a  mild  virtue  in  a  watch, 
and  I  took  this  instrument  to  another  watchmaker.  -He 
said  the  kingbolt  was  broken.  I  said  I  was  glad  it  was 
nothing  more  serious.  To  tell  the  plain  truth,  I  had  no 
idea  what  the  kingbolt  was,  but  I  did  not  choose  to  ap 
pear  ignorant  to  a  stranger.  He  repaired  the  kingbolt, 
but  what  the  watch  gained  in  one  way  it  lost  in  another. 
It  would  run  awhile  and  then  stop  awhile,  and  then  run 
awhile  again,  and  so  on,  using  its  own  discretion  about 
the  intervals.  And  every  time  it  went  off  it  kicked  back 
like  a  musket.  I  padded  my  breast  for  a  few  days,  but 
finally  took  the  watch  to  another  watchmaker.  He 
picked  it  all  to  pieces,  and  turned  the  ruin  over  and^over 
under  his  glass ;  and  then  he  said  there  appeared  to  be 
something  the  matter  with  the  hair-trigger.  He  fixed  it, 
and  gave  it  a  fresh  start.  It  did  well  now,  except  that 


MY   WATCH.  113 

always  at  ten  minutes  to  ten  the  hands  would  shut  to 
gether  like  a  pair  of  scissors,  and  from  that  time  forth 
they  would  travel  together.  The  oldest  man  in  the  world 
could  not  make  head  or  tail  of  the  time  of  day  by  such  a 
watch,  and  so  I  went  again  to  have  the  thing  repaired. 
This  persoiT  said  that  the  crystal  had  got  bent,  and  that 
the  main-spring  was  not  straight.  He  also  remarked  that 
part  of  the  works  needed  half-soling.  He  made  these 
things  all  right,  and  then  my  timepiece  performed  unex- 
ceptionably,  save  that  now  and  then,  after  working  along 
quietly  for  nearly  eight  hours,  everything  inside  would 
let  go  all  of  a  sudden  and  begin  to  buzz  like  a  bee,  and 
the  hands  would  straightway  begin  to  spin  round  and 
round  so  fast  that  their  individuality  was  lost  completely, 
and— they-  simply  seeme^^-iMiea^e-apider's-  web  over-the 
JVrerA-e-thn  •nrnfr'h  She  would  reel  off  the  next  twenty- 
four  hours  in  six  or  seven  minutes,  and  then  stop  with  a 
bang.  I  went  with  a  heavy  heart  to  one  more  watch- 
maker,  and  looked  on  while  he  took  her  to  pieces.  Then 
I  prepared  to  cross-question  him  rigidly,  for  this  thing 
was  getting  serious.  The  watch  had  cost  two  hundred 
dollars  originally,  and  I  seemed  to  have  paid  out  two  or 
three  thousand  for  repairs.  While  I  waited  and  looked 
on  I  presently  recognized  in  this  watchmaker  an  old 
acquaintance — a  steamboat  engineer  of  other  days,  and 
not  a  good  engineer  either.  He  examined  all  the  parts 
carefully,  just  as  the  other  watchmakers  had  done,  and 
then  delivered  his  verdict  with  the  same  confidence  of 
manner. 


v 


114*  SKETCHES   BY   MA11K   TWAIN. 

He  said — 

"  She  makes  too  much  steam — you  want  to  hang  the 
monkey-wrench  on  the  safety-valve  !" 

I  brained  him  on  the  spot,  and  had  him  buried  at  my 
own^expense.      $— 

X$iy  uncle  William  (now  deceased,  alas !)  used  to  say 
that  a  good  horse  was  a  good  horse  until  it  had  run 
away  once,  and  that  a  good  watch  was  a  good  watch  until 
the  repairers  got  a  chance  at  it.  And  he  used  to  wonder 
what  became  of  all  the  unsuccessful  tinkers,  and  gun 
smiths,  and  shoemakers,  and  engineers,  and  blacksmiths ; 
hut  nobody  could  ever  tell  him. 


POLITICAL   ECONOMY.  115 


POLITICAL  ECONOMY. 


"POLITICAL  ECONOMY  is  the  basis  of  all  good  government.    Tho 
F       wisest  men  of  all  ages  have  brought  to  bear  upon  this  subject  the — 

[Here  I  was  interrupted  and  informed  that  a  strangei 
wished  to  see  me  down  at  the  door.  I  went  and  con 
fronted  him,  and  asked  to  know  his  business,  struggling 
all  the  time  to  keep  a  tight  rein  on  my  seething  political 
economy  ideas,  and  not  let  them  break  away  from  me  or  get 
tangled  in  their  harness.  And  privately  I  wished  the 
stranger  was  in  the  bottom  of  the  canal  with  a  cargo  of 
wheat  on  top  of  him.  I  was  all  in  a  fever,  but  he  was 
cool.  He  said  he  was  sorry  to  disturb  me,  but  as  he  was 
passing  he  noticed  that  I  needed  some  lightning-rods.  I 
said,  "Yes,  yes — go  on — what  about  it  ?"  He  said  there 
was  nothing  about  it,  in  particular — nothing  except  that 
he  would  like  to  put  them  up  for  me.  I  am  new  to 
housekeeping;  have  been  used  to  hotels  and  boarding- 
houses  all  my  life.  Like  anybody  else  of  similar  experi 
ence,  I  try  to  appear  (to  strangers)  to  be  an  old  house 
keeper  ;  consequently  I  said  in  an  off-hand  way  that  I 
had  been  intending  for  some  time  to  have  six  or  eight 

lightning-rods  put  up,   but The  stranger  started, 

and  looked  inquiringly  at  me,   but  I    was    serene.     I 


116  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

thought  that  ii  I  chanced  to  make  any  mistakes,  he 
would  not  catch  mo  by  my  countenance.  He  said  he 
would  rather  have  my  custom  than  any  man's  in  town.  1 
said,  "All  right,"  and  started  off  to  wrestle  with  my  great 
subject  again,  when  he  called  me  back  and  said  it  would 
be  necessary  to  know  exactly  how  many  "points"  I  want 
ed  put  up,  what  parts  of  the  house  I  wanted  them  on, 
and  what  quality  of  rod  I  preferred.  It  was  close  quar 
ters  for  a  man  not  used  to  the  exigencies  of  housekeeping; 
but  I  went  through  creditably,  and  he  probably  never 
suspected  that  I  was  a  novice.  I  told  him  to  put  up 
eight  "points,"  and  put  them  all  on  the  roof,  and  use  the 
best  quality  of  rod.  He  said  he  could  furnish  the  "  plain" 
article  at  20  cents  a  foot;  "coppered,"  25  cents;  "zinc- 
plated  spiral-twist,"  at  30  cents,  that  would  stop  a  streak 
of  lightning  any  time,  no  matter  where  it  was  bound,  and 
"render  its  errand  harmless  and  its  further  progress 
apocryphal."  I  said  apocryphal  was  no  slouch  of  a  word, 
emanating  from  the  source  it  did,  but,  philology  aside, 
I  liked  the  spiral-twist  and  would  take  that  brand.  Then 
he  said  he  could  make  two  hundred  and  fifty  feet  answer; 
but  to  do  it  right,  and  make  the  best  job  in  town  of  it, 
and  attract  the  admiration  of  the  just  and  the  unjust 
alike,  and  compel  all  parties  to  say  they  never  saw  a 
more  symmetrical  and  hypothetical  display  of  lightning- 
rods  since  they  were  born,  he  supposed  he  really  couldn't 
get  along  without  four  hundred,  though  he  was  not  vin 
dictive,  and  trusted  he  was  willing  to  try.  I  said,  go 
ahead  and  use  four  hundred,  and  make  any  kind  of  a  job 


POLITICAL   ECONOMY.  117 

he  pleased  out  of  it,  but  let  me  get  back  to  my  work.  So 
I  got  rid  of  him  at  last;  and  now,  after  half -an-hour  spent 
in  getting  my  train  of  political  economy  thoughts  coupled 
together  again,  I  am  ready  to  go  on  once  more.] 

richest  treasures  of  their  genius,  their  experience  of  life,  and  their  learning. 
The  great  lights  of  commercial  jurisprudence,  international  confraternity, 
and  biological  deviation,  of  all  ages,  all  civilizations,  and  all  nationalities, 
from  Zoroaster  down  to  Horace  Greeley,  have 

[Here  I  was  interrupted  again,  and  required  to  go  down 
and  confer  further  with  that  lightning-rod  man.  I  hur 
ried  off,  boiling  and  surging  with  prodigious  thoughts 
wombed  in  words  of  such  majesty  that  each  one  of  them 
was  in  itself  a  straggling  procession  of  syllables  that  might 
be  fifteen  minutes  passing  a  given  point,  and  once  more  I 
confronted  him — he  so  calm  and  sweet,  I  so  hot  and  fren 
zied.  He  was  standing  in  the  contemplative  attitude  of 
the  Colossus  of  Rhodes,  with  one  foot  on  my  infant  tube 
rose,  and  the  other  among  my  pansies,  his  hands  on  his 
hips,  his  hat-brim  tilted  forward,  one  eye  shut  and  the 
other  gazing  critically  and  admiringly  in  the  direction  of 
my  principal  chimney.  He  said  now  there  was  a  state  of 
things  to  make  a  man  glad  to  be  alive ;  and  added,  "  I 
leave  it  to  you  if  you  ever  saw  anything  more  deliriously 
picturesque  than  eight  lightning-rods  on  one  chimney  ?"  I 
said  I  had  no  present  recollection  of  anything  that  tran 
scended  it.  He  said  that  in  his  opinion  nothing  on  earth 
but  Niagara  Falls  was  superior  to  it  in  the  way  of  natural 
scenery.  All  that  was  needed  now,  he  verily  believed, 
to  make  my  house  a  perfect  balin  to  the  eye,  was  to  kind  of 


118  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

touch  up  the  other  chimneys  a  little,  and  thus  "add  to  the 
generous  coup  d'oeil  a  soothing  uniformity  of  achievement 
which  would  allay  the  excitement  naturally  consequent 
upon  the  first  coup  d'etat"  I  asked  him  if  he  learned  to 
talk  out  of  a  book,  and  if  I  could  borrow  it  anywhere  ? 
He  smiled  pleasantly,  and  said  that  his  manner  of  speak 
ing  was  not  taught  in  books,  and  that  nothing  but  famili 
arity  with  lightning  could  enable  a  man  to  handle  his 
conversational  style  with  impunity.  He  then  figured  up 
an  estimate,  and  said  that  about  eight  more  rods  scattered 
about  my  roof  would  about  fix  me  right,  and  he  guessed 
five  hundred  feet  of  stuff  would  do  it;  and  added  that  the 
first  eight  had  got  a  little  the  start  of  him,  so  to  speak, 
and  used  up  a  mere  trifle  of  material  more  than  he  had 
calculated  on — a  hundred  feet  or  along  there.  I  said  I 
was  in  a  dreadful  hurry,  and  I  wished  we  could  get  this 
business  permanently  mapped  out,  so  that  I  could  go  on 
with  my  work.  He  said,  "I  could  have  put  up  those 
eight  rods,  and  marched  off  about  my  business — some 
men  would  have  done  it.  But  no  :  I  said  to  myself,  this 
man  is  a  stranger  to  me,  and  I  will  die  before  I'll  wrong 
him;  there  ain't  lightning-rods  enough  on  that  house, 
and  for  one  I'll  never  stir  out  of  my  tracks  till  I've  done 
as  I  would  be  done  by,  and  told  him  so.  Stranger,  my 
duty  is  accomplished ;  if  the  recalcitrant  and  dephlogistic 
messenger  of  heaven  strikes  your"-  — "There,  now, 
there,"  I  said,  "  put  on  the  other  eight — add  five  hundred 
feet  of  spiral-twist — do  anything  and  everything  you 
want  to  do  •  but  calm  your  sufferings,  and  try  to  keep 


POLITICAL   ECONOMY. 

your  feelings  where  you  can  reach  them  with  the  diction 
ary.  Meanwhile,  if  we  understand  each  other  now,  I  will 
go  to  work  again." 

I  think  I  have  been  sitting  here  a  full  hour,  this  time, 
trying  to  get  back  to  where  I  was  when  my  train  of  thought 
was  broken  up  by  the  last  interruption ;  but  I  believe  I 
have  accomplished  it  at  la#t,  and  may  venture  to  proceed 
again.] 

wrestled  wifrh  this  great  subject,  and  the  greatest  among  them  have  found 
it  is  a  worthy  adversary,  and  one  that  always  comes  up  fresh  and  smiling  after 
every  throw.  The  great  Confucius  said  that  he  would  rather  be  a  profound 
political  economist  than  chief  of  poKce.  Cicero  frequently  said  that  politi 
cal  economy  was  the  grandest  consummation  that  the  human  mind  was  cap 
able  of  consuming ;  and  even  our  own  Greely  has  said  vaguely  but  forcibly 
that  "Political 

[Here  the  lightning-rod  man  sent  up  another  call  for 
me  I  went  down  in  a  state  of  mind  bordering  on  im 
patience.  He  said  he  would  rather  have  died  than  inter 
rupt  me,  but  when  he  was  employed  to  do  a  job.  and  that 
job  was  expected  to  be  done  in  a  clean,  workmanlike 
manner,  and  when  it  was  finished  and  fatigue  urged  him 
to  seek  the  rest  and  recreation  he  stood  so  much  in  need 
of,  and  he  was  about  to  do  it,  but  looked  up  and  saw  at  a 
glance  that  all  the  calculations  had  been  a  little  out,  and 
if  a  thunder  storm  were  to  come  up,  and  that  house,  which 
he  felt  a  personal  interest  in,  stood  there  with  nothing  on 
earth  to  protect  it  but  sixteen  lightning-rods —  "  Let 
us  have  peace !"  I  shriek  ed.  "  Put  up  a  hundred  and 
fifty !  Put  some  on  the  kitchen !  Put  a  dozen  on  the 
barn  !  Put  a  couple  on  the  cow ! — Put  one  on  the  cook ! 


120  SKETCHES  BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

— scatter  them  all  over  the  persecuted  place  till  it  looks 
like  a  zinc-plated,  spiral-twisted,  silver-mounted  cane- 
break  !  Move !  Use  up  all  the  material  you  can  get 
your  hands  on,  and  when  you  run  out  of  lightning-rods 
put  up  ram-rods,  cam-rods,  stair-rods,  piston-rods — any 
thing  that  will  pander  to  your  dismal  appetite  for  artificial 
scenery,  and  bring  respite  to  my  raging  brain,  and  heal 
ing  to  my  lacerated  soul!"  Wholly  unmoved — further 
than  to  smile  sweetly — this  iron  being  simply  turned  back 
his  wristbands  daintily,  and  said,  "  He  would  now  proceed 
to  hump  himself."  Well,  all  that  was  nearly  three  hours 
ago.  It  is  questionable  whether  I  am  calm  enough  yet 
to  write  on  the  noble  theme  of  political  economy,  but  I 
cannot  resist  the  desire  to  try,  for  it  is  the  one  subject 
that  is  nearest  to  my  heart  and  dearest  to  my  brain  of  all 
this  world's  philosophy.] 

" economy  is  heaven's  best  boon  to  man."  When  the  loose  but  gifted 

Byron  lay  in  his  Venetian  exile  he  observed  that,  if  it  could  be  granted  him 
to  go  back  and  live  his  misspent  life  over  again,  he  would  give  his  lucid  and 
unintoxicated  intervals  to  the  composition,  not  of  frivolous  rhymes,  but  of 
essays  upon  political  economy.  Washington  loved  this  exquisite  science  ; 
such  names  as  Baker,  Beckwith,  Judson,  Smith,  are  imperishably  linked 
with  it ;  and  even  imperial  Homer,  in  the  ninth  book  of  the  Iliad,  has 
said  : — 

Fiat  justitia,  ruat  ccelum, 

Post  mortem  unum,  ante  bellum, 

Hie  jacet  hoc,  ex-parte  res, 

Politicum  e-conomico  est. 

The  grandeur  of  these  conceptions  of  the  old  poet,  together  with  the  fe 
licity  of  the  wording  which  clothes  them,  and  the  sublimity  of  the  imagery 
whereby  they  are  illustrated,  have  singled  out  that  stanza,  and  make  it  more 
celebrated  than  any  that  ever 

["Now,  not  a  word  out  of  you — not  a  single  word. 


POLITICAL   ECONOMY.  12  i 

Just  state  your  bill  and  relapse  into  impenetrable  silen 
for  ever  and  ever  on  these  premises.  Nine  hundred  dol 
lars  ?  Is  that  all  ?  This  cheque  for  the  amount  will  be 
honoured  at  any  respectable  bank  in  America.  What  is 
that  multitude  of  people  gathered  in  the  street  for  ? 
How? — 'looking  at  the  lightning-rods!'  Bless  my  life, 
did  they  never  see  any  lightning-rods  before  ?  Never  saw 
'  such  a  stack  of  them  on  one  establishment/  did  I  under 
stand  you  to  say  ?  I  will  step  down  and  critically  ob 
serve  this  popular  ebullition  of  ignorance."] 

THREE  DAYS  LATEK. — We  are  all  about  worn  out.  For 
four-and-twenty  hours  our  bristling  premises  were  the 
talk  and  wonder  of  the  town.  The  theatres  languished, 
for  their  happiest  scenic  inventions  were  tame  and  com 
monplace  compared  with  my  lightning-rods.  Our  street 
was  blocked  night  and  day  with  spectators,  and  among 
them  were  many  who  came  from  the  country  to  see.  It 
was  a  blessed  relief  on  the  second  day,  when  a  thunder 
storm  came  up  and  the  lightning  began  to  "  go  for  "  my 
house,  as  the  historian  Josephus  quaintly  phrases  it.  It 
cleared  the  galleries,  so  to  speak.  In  five  minutes  there 
was  not  a  spectator  within  half  a  mile  of  my  place ;  but 
all  the  high  houses  about  that  distance  away  were  full, 
windows,  roof,  and  all.  And  well  they  might  be,  for  all 
the  falling  stars  and  Fourth-of- July  fireworks  of  a  gener 
ation,  put  together  and  rained  down  simultaneously  out 
of  heaven  in  one  brilliant  shower  upon  one  helpless  roof, 
would  not  have  any  advantage  of  the  pyrotechnic  display 


122  SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

that  was  making  my  house  so  magnificently  conspicuous 
in  the  general  gloom  of  the  storm.  By  actual  count,  the 
lightning  struck  at  my  establishment  seven  hundred  and 
sixty-four  times  in  forty  minutes,  but  tripped  on  one  of 
those  faithful  rods  every  time,  and  slid  down  the  spiral 
twist  and  shot  into  the  earth  before  it  probably  had  time 
to  be  surprised  at  the  way  the  thing  was  done.  And 
through  all  that  bombardment  only  one  patch  of  slates 
was  ripped  up,  and  that  was  because,  for  a  single  instant, 
the  rods  in  the  vicinity  were  transporting  all  the  lightning 
they  could  possibly  accommodate.  Well,  nothing  was 
ever  seen  like  it  since  the  world  began.  For  one  whole 
day  and  night  not  a  member  of  my  family  stuck  his  head 
out  of  the  window  but  he  got  the  hair  snatched  off  it  as 
smooth  as  a  billiard-ball ;  and  if  the  reader  will  believe 
me,  not  one  of  us  ever  dreamt  of  stirring  abroad.  But  at 
last  the  awful  siege  came  to  an  end — because  there  was 
absolutely  no  more  electricity  left  in  the  clouds  above  us 
within  grappling  distance  of  my  insatiable  rods.  Then  I 
sallied  forth,  and  gathered  daring  workmen  together,  and 
not  a  bite  or  a  nap  did  we  take  till  the  premises  were 
utterly  stripped  of  all  their  terrific  armament  except  just 
three  rods  on  the  house,  one  on  the  kitchen,  and  one  on 
the  barn — and  behold  these  remain  there  even  unto  this 
day.  And  then,  and  not  till  then,  the  people  ventured  to 
use  our  street  again.  I  will  remark  here,  in  passing,  that 
during  that  fearful  time  I  did  not  continue  my  essay  upon 
political  economy.  I  am  not  even  yet  settled  enough  in 
nerve  and  brain  to  resume  it. 


POLITICAL   ECONOMY.  123 

To  WHOM  IT  MAY  CONCERN. — Parties  having  need  of 
three  thousand  two  hundred  and  eleven  feet  of  best 
quality  zinc-plated  spiral-twist  lightning-rod  stuff,  and 
sixteen  hundred  and  thirty-one  silver-tipped  points,  all  in 
tolerable  repair  (and,  although  much  worn  by  use,  still 
equal  to  any  ordinary  emergency),  can  i^oar  of  a  bargain 
^y  addressing  the  publisher. 


BKJjlTCHJiS  BY  MA11K  TWAIN. 


JOURNALISM  IN  TENNESSEE. 


The  editor  of  the  Memphis  Avalanche  swoops  thus  mildly  down  upon  a 
correspondent  who  posted  him  as  a  Radical:— "While  he  was  writing  the 
first  word,  the  middle,  dotting  his  i's,  crossing  his  t's,  and  punching  his 
period,  he  knew  he  was  concocting  a  sentence  that  was  saturated  with  in 
famy  and  reeking  with  falsehood." — Exchange. 

I  WAS  told  by  the  physician  that  a  Southern  climate 
would  improve  my  health,  and  so  I  went  down  to  Ten 
nessee,  and  got  a  berth  on  the  Morning  Glory  and  Johnson 
County  War- Whoop  as  associate  editor.  When  I  went 
on  duty  I  found  the  chief  editor  sitting  tilted  back  in  a 
three-legged  chair  with  his  feet  on  a  pine  table.  There 
was  another  pine  table  in  the  room  and  another  afflicted 
chair, .and  both  were  half  buried  under  newspapers  and 
scraps  and  sheets  of  manuscript.  There  was  a  wooden 
box  of  sand,  sprinkled  with  cigar  stubs  and  "old  soldiers," 
and  a  stove  with  a  door  hanging  by  its  upper  hinge.  The 
chief  editor  had  a  long-tailed  black  cloth  frock  coat  on, 
and  white  linen  pants.  His  boots  were  small  and  neatly 
blacked.  He  wore  a  ruffled  shirt,  a  large  seal  ring,  a 
standing  collar  of  obsolete  pattern,  and  a  chequered 
aeckerchief  with  the  ends  hanging  down.  Date  of  cos 
tume  about  1848.  He  was  smoking  a  cigar,  and  trying 


JOURNALISM   IN  TENNESEE.  125 

to  think  of  a  word,  and  in  pawing  his  hair  he  had  rumpl 
ed  his  locks  a  good  deal.  He  was  scowling  fearfully,  and 
I  judged  that  he  was  concocting  a  particularly  knotty 
editorial.  He  told  me  to  take  the  exchanges  and  skim 
through  them  and  write  up  the  "Spirit  of  the  Tennessee 
Press,"  condensing  into  the  article  all  of  their  contents 
that  seemed  of  interest. 
I  wrote  as  follows : — 

"  SPIRIT  OF  THE  TENNESSEE  PRESS. 

"The  editors  of  the  Semi-Weekly  Earthquake  evidently  labour  under  a 
misapprehension  with  regard  to  the  Ballyhack  railroad.  It  is  not  the  object 
of  the  company  to  leave  Buzzardvill*  off  to  one  side.  On  the  contrary,  they 
consider  it  one  of  the  most  important  points  along  the  line,  and  consequently 
can  have  no  desire  to  slight  it.  The  gentlemen  of  the  Earthquake  will,  of 
course,  take  pleasure  in  making  the  correction. 

"John  W.  Blossom,  Esq.,  the  able  editor  of  the  Higginsville  Thunderbolt 
and  Battle  Cry  of  Freedom,  arrived  in  the  city  yesterday.  He  is  stopping  at 
the  Van  Buren  House. 

"We  observe  that  our  contemporary  of  the  Mud  Springs  Morning  Howl, 
has  fallen  into  the  error  of  supposing  that  the  election  of  Van  Werter  is  not 
an  established  fact,  but  he  will  have  discovered  his  mistake  before  this  re 
minder  reaches  him,  no  doubt.  He  was  doubtless  misled  by  incomplete 
election  returns. 

"It  is  pleasant  to  note  that  the  city  of  Blathersville  is  endeavouring  to 
contract  with  some  New  York  gentleman  to  pave  its  well-nigh  impassable 
streets  with  the  Nicholson  pavement.  The  Daily  Hurrahurges  the  measure 
with  ability,  and  seems  confident  of  ultimate  success." 

I  passed  my  manuscript  over  to  the  chief  editor  for 
acceptance,  alteration,  or  destruction.  He  glanced  at  it 
and  his  face  clouded.  He  ran  his  eye  down  the  pages, 
and  his  countenance  grew  portentous.  It  was  easy  to  see 
that  something  was  wrong.  Presently  he  sprang  up  and 
said — 

"  Thunder  and  lightning !     Do  you  suppose  I  am  going 


126  SKETCHES   BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

to  speak  of  those  cattle  that  way?  Do  you  suppose 
my  subscribers  are  going  to  stand  such  gruel  as  that. 
Give  me  the  pen !" 

I  never  saw  a  pen  scrape  and  scratch  its  way  so  vicious 
ly,  or  plough  through  another  man's  verbs  and  adjectives 
so  relentlessly.  While  he  was  in  the  midst  of  his  work, 
somebody  shot  at  him  through  the  open  window,  and 
marred  the  symmetry  of  my  ear. 

"  Ah,"  said  he,  "  that  is  that  scoundrel  Smith,  of  the 
Moral  Volcano — he  was  due  yesterday."  And  he  snatch 
ed  a  navy  revolver  from  his  belt  and  fired.  Smith  dropped 
shot  in  the  thigh.  The  shot  spoiled  Smith's  aim,  who  was 
just  taking  a  second  chance,  and  he  crippled  a  stranger.  It 
was  me.  Merely  a  finger  shot  off. 

Then  the  chief  editor  went  on  with  his  erasures  and  in 
terlineations.  Just  as  he  finished  them  a  hand-grenade 
came  down  the  stove-pipe,  and  the  explosion  shivered  the 
stove  into  a  thousand  fragments.  However  it  did  no  fur 
ther  damage,  except  that  a  vagrant  piece  knocked  a  couple 
of  my  teeth  out. 

"  That  stove  is  utterly  ruined,"  said  the  chief  editor. 

I  said  I  believed  it  was. 

"  Well,  no  matter — don't  wan't  it  this  kind  of  weather. 
I  know  the  man  that  did  it.  I'll  get  him.  Now,  here  is 
the  way  this  stuff"  ought  to  be  written." 

I  took  the  manuscript.  It  was  scarred  with  erasures 
and  interlineations  till  its  mother  wouldn't  have  known  it 
if  it  had  had  one,  It  now  read  as  follows ;— 


JOURNALISM   IN   TENNESEE.  127 

"SPIRIT  OF  THE  TENNESSEE  PRESS. 

"The  inveterate  liars  of  the  Semi- Weekly  Earthquake  are  evidently  en 
deavouring  to  palm  off  upon  a  noble  and  chivalrous  people  another  of  their 
vile  and  brutal  falsehoods  with  regard  to  that  most  glorious  conception  of 
the  nineteenth  century,  the  Ballyhack  railroad.  The  idea  that  Buzzardville 
was  to  be  left  off  at  one  side  originated  in  their  own  fulsome  brains — or 
rather  in  the  settlings  which  they  regard  as  brains.  They  had  better  swallow 
this  lie  if  they  want  to  save  their  abandoned  reptile  carcasses  the  cowhiding 
they  so  richly  deserve. 

"That  ass,  Blossom,  of  the  Higginsville  Thunderbolt  and  Battle  Cry  of 
Freedom,  is  down  here  again  sponging  at  the  Van  Buren. 

"  We  observe  that  the  besotted  blackguard  of  the  Mud  Spring  Morning 
Howl  is  giving  out,  with  his  usual  propensity  for  lying,  that  Van  Werter  is 
not  elected.  The  heaven-born  mission  of  journalism  is  to  disseminate  truth ; 
to  eradicate  error  ;  to  educate,  refine  and  elevate  the  tone  of  public  morals 
and  manners,  and  make  all  men  more  gentle,  more  virtuous,  more  charitable, 
and  in  all  ways  better,  and  holier,  and  happier ;  and  yet  this  black-hearted 
scoundrel  degrades  his  great  office  persistently  to  the  dissemination  of  false 
hood,  calumny,  vituperation,  and  vulgarity. 

"  Blathersville  wants  a  Nicholson  pavement — it  wants  a  jail  and  a  poor- 
house  more.  The  idea  of  a  pavement  in  a  one-horse  town  composed  of  two 
gin  mills,  a  blacksmith's  shop,  and  that  mustard-plaster  of  a  newspaper,  the 
Daily  Hurrah  I  The  crawling  insect,  Buckner,  who  edits  the  Hurrah,  is 
braying  about  this  business  with  his  customary  imbecility,  and  imagining 
that  he  is  talking  sense." 

"Now  that  is  the  way  to  write — peppery  and  to  the 
point.  Mush-and-milk  journalism  gives  me  the  fan-tods." 

About  this  time  a  brick  came  through  the  window  with 
a  splintering  crash,  and  gave  me  a  considerable  of  a  jolt 
in  the  back.  I  moved  out  of  range — I  began  to  feel  in 
the  way. 

The  chief  said, "  That  was  the  Colonel,  likely.  I've  been 
expecting  him  for  two  days.  He  will  be  up,  now,  right 
away." 

He  was  correct.  The  Colonel  appeared  in  the  door  a 
moment  afterward  with  a  dragoon  revolver  in  his  hand. 


128  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

He  said,  "  Sir,  have  I  the  honour  of  addressing  the  pol 
troon  who  edits  this  mangy  sheet?" 

"  You  have.  Be  seated,  sir.  Be  careful  of  the  chair, 
one  of  its  legs  is  gone.  I  believe  I  have  the  honour  of 
addressing  the  putrid  liar,  Col.  Blatherskite  Tecumseh  ?" 

"  Right,  sir.  I  have  a  little  account  to  settle  with  you. 
If  you  are  at  leisure  we  will  begin." 

"  I  have  an  article  on  the  '  Encouraging  Progress  of 
Moral  and  Intellectual  Development  in  America,'  to  finish, 
but  there  is  no  hurry.  Begin." 

Both  pistols  rang  out  their  fierce  clamour  at  the  same 
instant.  The  chief  lost  a  lock  of  his  hair,  and  the  Colonel's 
bullet  ended  its  career  in  the  fleshy  part  of  my  thigh. 

The  Colonel's  left  shoulder  was  clipped  a  little.  They 
fired  again.  Both  missed  their  men  this  time,  but  I  got 
my  share,  a  shot  in  the  arm.  At  the  third  fire  both 
gentlemen  were  wounded  slightly,  and  I  had  a  knuckle 
chipped.  I  then  said  I  believed  I  would  go  out  and  take 
a  walk,  as  this  was  a  private  matter,  and  I  had  a  delicacy 
about  participating  in  it  further.  But  both  gentleman 
begged  me  to  keep  my  seat,  and  assured  me  that  I  was 
not  in  the  way. 

They  then  talked  about  the  elections  and  the  crops 
while  they  reloaded,  and  I  fell  to  tying  up  my  wounds. 
But  presently  they  opened  fire  again  with  animation,  and 
every  shot  took  effect — but  it  is  proper  to  remark  that  five 
out  of  the  six  fell  to  my  share.  The  sixth  one  mortally 
wounded  the  Colonel,  who  remarked,  with  fine  humour, 
that  he  would  have  to  say  good  morning  now,  as  he  haci 


JOURNALISM  IN  TENNESEE.  129 

business  up  town.  He  then  enquired  the  way  to  the 
undertaker's  and  left. 

The  chief  turned  to  me  and  said,  "I  am  expecting  com 
pany  to  dinner,  and  shall  have  to  get  ready.  It  will  be  a 
favour  to  me  if  you  will  read  proof  and  attend  to  the 
customers." 

I  winced  a  little  at  the  idea  of  attending  to  the  cus 
tomers,  but  I  was  too  bewildered  by  the  f usilade  that  was 
still  ringing  in  my  ears  to  think  of  anything  to  say. 

He  continued,  "  Jones  will  be  here  at  3 — cowhide  him. 
Gillespie  will  call  earlier,  perhaps — throw  him  out  of  the 
window.  Ferguson  will  be  along  about  4 — kill  him. 
That  is  all  for  to  day,  I  believe.  If  you  have  any  odd 
time,  you  may  write  a  blistering  article  on  the  police — 
give  the  Chief  Inspector  rats.  The  cowhides  are  under 
the  table;  weapons  in  the  drawer — ammunition  there  in  the 
corner — lint  and  bandages  up  there  in  the  pigeon-holes. 
In  case  of  accident,  go  to  Lancet,  the  surgeon,  down-stairs. 
He  advertises — we  take  it  out  in  trade." 

He  was  gone.  I  shuddered.  At  the  end  of  the  next 
three  hours  I  had  been  through  perils  so  awful  that  all 
peace  of  mind  and  all  cheerfulness  were  gone  from  me. 
Gillespie  had  called  and  thrown  me  out  of  the  window. 
Jones  arrived  promptly,  and  when  I  got  ready  to  do  the 
cowhiding  he  took  the  job  off  my  hands.  In  an  encounter 
with  a  stranger,  not  in  the  bill  of  fare,  I  had  lost  my 
scalp.  Another  stranger,  by  the  name  of  Thompson,  left 
me  a  mere  wreck  and  ruin  of  chaotic  rags.  And  at  last, 
at  bay  in  the  corner,  and  beset  by  an  infuriated  mob 


loO  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

of  editors,  blacklegs,  politicians,  and  desperadoes,  who 
raved  and  swore  and  flourished  their  weapons  about 
my  head  till  the  air  shimmered  with  glancing  flashes  of 
steel,  I  was  in  the  act  of  resigning  my  berth  on  the  paper, 
when  the  chief  arrived,  and  with  him  a  rabble  of  charmed 
and  enthusiastic  friends.  Then  ensued  a  scene  of  riot  and 
carnage  such  as  no  human  pen,  or  steel  one  either,  could 
describe.  People  were  shot,  probed,  dismembered,  blown 
up,  thrown  out  of  the  window.  There  was  a  brief  tornado 
of  murky  blasphemy,  with  a  confused  and  frantic  war- 
dance  glimmering  through  it,  and  then  all  was  over.  In 
five  minutes  there  was  silence,  and  the  gory  chief  and  I 
sat  alone  and  surveyed  the  sanguinary  ruin  that  strewed 
the  floor  around  us. 

He  said,  "You'll  like  this  place  when  you  get  used  to  it." 
I  said,  "  I'll  have  to  get  you  to  excuse  me;  I  think  may 
be  I  might  write  to  suit  you  after  a  while ;  as  soon  as  I 
had  had  some  practice  and  learned  the  language  I  am  con 
fident  I  could.  But,  to  speak  the  plain  truth,  that  sort  of 
energy  of  expression  has  its  inconveniences,  and  a  man  is 
liable  to  interruption.  You  see  that  yourself.  Vigorous 
writing  is  calculated  to  elevate  the  public,  no  doubt,  but 
then  I  do  not  like  to  attract  so  much  attention  as  it  calls 
forth.  I  can't  write  with  comfort  when  I  am  interrupted 
so  much  as  I  have  been  to-day.  I  like  this  berth  well 
enough,  but  I  don't  like  to  be  left  here  to  wait  on  the 
customers.  The  experiences  are  novel,  I  grant  you,  and 
entertaining  too,  after  a  fashion,  but  they  are  not  judici 
ously  distributed.  A  gentleman  shoots  at  you  through 


lSM    i:.'    TENNESEE.  131 

the  window  and  cripples  me ;  a  bomb-shell  comes  down 
the  stove-pipe  for  your  gratification  and  sends  the  stove- 
door  down  my  throat ;  a  friend  drops  in  to  swap  compli 
ments  with  you,  and  freckles  me  with  bullet-holes  till  my 
skin  won't  hold  my  principles  ;  you  go  to  dinner,  and 
Jones  comes  with  his  cowhide,  Gillespie  throws  me  out  of 
the  window,  Thompson  tears  all  my  clothes  off,  and  an 
entire  stranger  takes  my  scalp  with  the  easy  freedom  of 
an  old  acquaintance ;  and  in  less  than  five  minutes  all  the 
blackguards  in  the  country  arrive  in  their  war-paint,  and 
proceed  to  scare  the  rest  of  me  to  death  with  their  toma 
hawks.  Take  it  altogether,  I  never  had  such  a  spirited  time 
in  all  my  life  as  I  have  had  to-day.  No ;  I  like  you,  and  I 
like  your  calm  unruffled  way  of  explaining  things  to  the 
customers,  but  you  see  I  am  not  used  to  it.  The  Southern 
heart  is  too  impulsive;  Southern  hospitality  is  too  lavish 
with  the  stranger.  The  paragraphs  which  I  have  written 
to-day,  and  into  whose  cold  sentences  your  masterly  hand 
has  infused  the  fervent  spirit  of  Tenrieseean  journalism, 
will  wake  up  another  nest  of  hornets.  All  that  mob  of 
editors  will  come — and  they  will  come  hungry,  too,  and 
want  somebody  for  breakfast.  I  shall  have  to  bid  you 
adieu.  I  decline  to  be  present  at  these  festivities.  I  came 
South  for  my  health,  I  will  go  back  on  the  same  errand, 
and  suddenly.  Tenneseean  journalism  is  too  stirring  for 
me." 

After  which  we  parted  with  mutual  regret,  and  I  took 
apartments  at  the  hospital. 


SKETCHES   BY   MAltK   TWAIN. 


A  COUPLE  OF  POEMS  BY  TWAIN  AND  MOORE 


THOSE  EVENING  BELLS. 

BY  THOMAS   MOORE. 


Those  evening  bells !  those  evening  bells ! 
How  many  a  tale  their  music  tells 
Of  youth,  and  home,  and  that  sweet  time 
When  last  I  heard  their  soothing  chime. 

Those  joyous  hours  are  passed  away  ; 
4nd  many  a  heart  that  then  was  gay, 
Vitnin  the  tomb  now  darkly  dwells, 
^nd  hears  no  more  those  evening  bells. 

And  so  'twill  be  when  I  am  gone — 
That  tuneful  peal  will  still  ring  on  ; 
While  other  bards  shall  walk  these  dells, 
And  sing  your  praise,  sweet  evening  bells. 


THOSE  ANNUAL  BILLS. 

BY   MARK  TWAIN. 


These  annua   bills  !  these  annual  bills ! 
How  many  a  song  their  discord  trills 
Of  "truck"  consumed,  enjoyed,  forgot, 
Since  I  was  akinued  by  last  year's  lot. 


A    COUPLE   OF   TOEMS.  133 


Those  joyous  beans  are  passed  away ; 
Those  onions  blithe,  O  where  are  they  ! 
Once  loved,  lost,  mourned — now  vexing  ILLS 
Your  shades  troop  back  in  annual  bills  ! 

And  so  'twill  be  when  I'm  aground — 
These  yearly  duns  will  still  go  round, 
While  other  bards,  with  frantic  quills, 
Shall  damn  and  damn  these  annual  bills  ! 


134  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 


TO  RAISE  POULTRY.  * 


QERIOUSLY,  from  early  youth  I  have  taken  an  especial 
k)  interest  in  the  subject  of  poultry -raising,  and  so  this 
membership  touches  a  ready  sympathy  in  my  breast. 
Even  as  a  school-boy,  poultry  raising  was  a  study  with 
me,  and  I  may  say  without  egotism  that  as  early  as  the 
age  of  seventeen  I  was  acquainted  with  all  the  best  and 
speediest  methods  of  raising  chickens,  from  raising  them 
off  a  roost  by  burning  lucifer  matches  under  their  noses, 
down  to  lifting  them  off  a  fence  on  a  frosty  night  by  in 
sinuating  the  end  of  a  warm  board  under  their  heels. 
By  the  time  I  was  twenty  years  old,  I  really  suppose  1 
had  raised  more  poultry  than  any  one  individual  in  all 
the  section  round  about  there.  The  very  chickens  came 
to  know  my  talent,  by  and  by.  The  youth  of  both  sexes 
ceased  to  paw  the  earth  for  worms,  and  old  roosters  that 
carne  to  crow,  "  remained  to  pray,"  when  I  passed  by. 

I  have  had  so  much  experience  in  the  raising  of  fowls 
that  I  cannot  but  think  that  a  few  hints  from  me  might  be 
useful  to  the  Society.  The  two  methods  I  have  already 
touched  upon  are  very  simple,  and  are  only  used  in  the 


*  Being  a  letter  written  to  a  Poultry  Society  that  had  conferred  a  compli 
mentary  membership  upon  the  author. 


TO   KAISE   POULTRY.  135 

raising  of  the  commonest  class  of  fowls  ;  one  is  for  summer, 
the  other  for  winter.  In  the  one  case  you  start  out  with 
a  friend  along  about  eleven  o'clock  on  a  summer's  night 
(not  later, — because  in  some  States — especially  in 
California  and  Oregon — chickens  always  rouse  up  just 
at  midnight  and  crow  from  ten  to  thirty  minutes,  ac 
cording  to  the  ease  or  difficulty  they  experience  in  getting 
the  public  waked  up)  and  your  friend  carries  with  him 
a  sack.  Arrived  at  the  hen-roost  (your  neighbour's, 
not  your  own),  you  light  a  match  and  hold  it  under  first 
one  and  then  another  pullet's  nose  until  they  are  will 
ing  to  go  into  that  bag  without  making  any  trouble  about 
it.  You  then  return  home,  either  taking  the  bag  with 
you  or  leaving  it  behind,  according  as  circumstances  shall 
dictate.  N.  B.  I  have  seen  the  time  when  it  was  eligible 
and  appropriate  to  leave  the  sack  behind  and  walk  off 
with  considerable  velocity,  without  ever  leaving  any  word 
where  to  send  it. 

In  the  case  of  the  other  method  mentioned  for  raising 
poultry,  your  friend  takes  along  a  covered  vessel  with  a 
charcoal  fire  in  it,  and  you  carry  a  long  slender  plank. 
This  is  a  frosty  night  understand.  Arrived  at  the  tree, 
or  fence,  or  other  hen-roost  (your  own  if  you  are  an  idiot), 
you  warm  the  end  of  your  plank  in  your  friend's  fire 
vessel,  and  then  raise  it  aloft  and  ease  it  up  gently  against 
a  slumbering  chicken's  foot.  If  the  subject  of  your  atten 
tions  is  a  true  bird,  he  will  infallibly  return  thanks  with 
a  sleepy  cluck  or  two,  and  step  out  and  take  up  quarters 
on  the  plank,  thus  becoming  so  conspicuously  accessory 


136  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

before  the  fact  to  his  own  murder  as  to  make  it  a  grave 
question  in  our  minds,  as  it  once  was  in  the  mind  of  Black- 
stone,  whether  he  is  not  really  and  deliberatly  commit 
ting  suicide  in  the  second  degree.  [But  you  enter  into  a 
contemplation  of  these  legal  refinements  subsequently — 
not  then]. 

When  you  wish  to  raise  a  fine,  large,  donkey- voiced 
Shanghai  rooster,  you  do  it  with  a  lasso,  just  as  you  would 
a  bull.  It  is  because  he  must  be  choked,  and  choked 
effectually,  too.  It  is  the  only  good,  certain  way,  for 
whenever  he  mentions  a  matter  which  he  is  cordially  in 
terested  in,  the  chances  are  ninety-nine  in  a  hundred  that 
he  secures  somebody  else's  immediate  attention  to  it  too, 
whether  it  be  day  or  night. 

The  Black  Spanish  is  an  exceedingly  fine  bird  and  a 
costly  one.  Thirty-five  dollars  is  the  usual  figure,  and 
fifty  a  not  uncommon  price  for  a  specimen.  Even  its 
eggs  are  worth  from  a  dollar  to  a  dollar  and  a  half  a-piece, 
and  yet  are  so  unwholesome  that  the  city  physician  seldom 
or  never  orders  them  for  the  workhouse.  Still  I  have 
once  or  twice  procured  as  high  as  a  dozen  at  a  time  for 
nothing,  in  the  dark  of  the  moon.  The  best  way  to  raise 
the  Black  Spanish  fowl  is  to  go  late  in  the  evening  and 
raise  coop  and  all.  The  reason  I  recommend  this  method 
is,  that  the  birds  being  so  valuable,  the  owners  do  not 
permit  them  to  loost  around  promiscuously,  but  put  them 
in  a  coop  as  strong  as  a  fire-proof  safe,  and  keep  it  in  the 
kitchen  at  night.  The  method  I  speak  of  is  not  always 
a  bright  and  satisfying  success,  and  yet  there  are  so  many 


TO   RAISE    POULTRY.  137 

little  articles  of  vertu  about  a  ki  tchen,  that  if  you  fail  on 
the  coop  you  can  generally  bring  Mway  something  else. 
I  brought  away  a  nice  steel  trap  one  night,  worth  ninety 
cents. 

But  what  is  the  use  in  my  pouring  out  my  whole  in 
tellect  on  this  subject  ?  I  have  shown  the  Western  New 
York  Poultry  Society  that  they  have  taken  to  their  bosom 
a  party  who  is  not  a  spring  chicken  by  any  means,  but  a 
man  who  knows  all  about  poultry,  and  is  jusk  as  high  up 
in  the  most  efficient  methods  of  raising  it  as  the  Presi 
dent  of  the  institution  himself.  I  thank  these  gentlemen 
for  the  honorary  membership  they  have  conferred  upon 
me,  and  shall  stand  at  all  times  ready  and  willing  to 
testify  rny  good  feeling  and  my  official  zeal  by  deeds  as 
well  as  by  this  hastily  penned  advice  and  information. 
Whenever  they  are  ready  to  go  to  raising  poultry,  let 
them  call  for  mo  any  evening  after  eleven  o'clock,  and  I 
shall  be  on  hand  promptly. 
10 


138  KETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 


MY  FIRST  LITERARY  VENTURE. 


I  WAS  a  very  smart  child  at  the  age  of  thirteen — an  un 
usually  smart  child,  I  thought  at  the  time.  It  was 
then  that  I  did  my  first  newspaper  scribbling,  and  most 
unexpectedly  to  me  it  stirred  up  a  fine  sensation  in  the 
community.  It  did,  indeed,  and  I  was  very  proud  of  it, 
too.  I  was  a  printer's  "  devil,"  and  a  progressive  and 
aspiring  one.  My  uncle  had  me  on  his  paper  (the  Weekly 
Hannibal  Journal,  two  dollars  a  year  in  advance — five 
hundred  subscribers,  and  they  paid  in  cordwood,  cabbages, 
and  unmarketable  turnips),  and  on  a  lucky  summer's  day 
he  left  town  to  be  gone  a  week,  and  asked  me  if  I  thought 
I  could  edit  one  issue  of  the  paper  judiciously.  Ah  !  didn't 
I  want  to  try  !  Higgins  was  the  editor  on  the  rival  paper. 
He  had  lately  been  jilted,  and  one  night  a  friend  found 
an  open  note  on  the  poor  fellow's  bed,  in  which  he  stated 
that  he  could  no  longer  endure  life  and  had  drowned  him 
self  in  Bear  Creek.  The  friend  ran  down  there  and  dis 
covered  Higgins  wading  back  to  shore  !  He  had  concluded 
he  wouldn't.  The  village  was  full  of  it  for  several  days, 
but  Higgins  did  riot  suspect  it.  I  thought  this  was  a  fine 
opportunity.  I  wrote  an  elaborately  wretched  account  of 
the  whole  matter,  and  then  illustrated  it  with  villainous 


:-;r  FIRST  LITERARY  ADVENTURE.  ±ii) 

cuts  engraved  on  the  bottoms  of  wooden  type  with  a  jack- 
knife — one  of  them  a  picture  of  Higgins  wading  out  into 
the  creek  in  his  shirt,  with  a  lantern,  sounding  the  depth 
of  the  water  with  a  walking  stick.  I  thought  it  was 
desperately  funny,  and  was  densely  unconscious  that  there 
was  any  moral  obliquity  about  such  a  publication.  Being 
satisfied  with  this  effort  I  looked  around  for  other  worlds 
to  conquer,  and  it  struck  me  that  it  would  make  good,  in 
teresting  matter  to  charge  the  editor  of  a  neighbouring 
country  paper  with  a  piece  of  gratuitous  rascality  and  "  see 
him  squirm." 

I  did  it,  putting  the  article  into  the  form  of  a  parody 
011  the  "  Burial  of  Sir  John  Moore  " — and  a  pretty  crude 
parody  it  was,  too. 

Then  I  lampooned  two  prominent  citizens  outrageously 
— noc  because  they  had  done  anything  to  deserve  it,  but 
merely  because  I  thought  it  was  my  duty  to  make  the 
paper  lively. 

Next  I  gently  touched  up  the  newest  stranger — the  lion 
of  the  day,  the  gorgeous  journeyman  tailor  from  Quincy. 
He  was  a  simpering  coxcomb  of  the  first  water,  and  the 
"  loudest "  dressed  man  in  the  state.  He  was  an  inveter 
ate  woman-killer.  Every  week  he  wrote  lushy  "poetry  " 
for  the  "  Journal,"  about  his  newest  conquest.  His  rhymes 
for  my  week  were  headed,  "  To  MARY  IN  H L,"  mean 
ing  to  Mary  in  Hannibal,  of  course.  But  while  setting  up 
the  piece  I  was  suddenly  riven  from  head  to  heel  by  what 
I  regarded  as  a  perfect  thunderbolt  of  humour,  and  I  com 
pressed  it  into  a  snappy  foot-note  at  the  bottom — thus : — 


140  SKETCHES  BY  MAKK  TWAIN. 

"  We  will  let  this  thing  pas,-3,  just  this  once ;  but  we  wish 
Mr.  J.  Gordon  Runnels  to  understand  distinctly  that  we 
have  a  character  to  sustain,  and  from  this  time  forth  when 
he  wants  to  commune  with  his  friends  in  h — 1,  he  must 
select  some  other  medium  than  the  columns  of  this  jour 
nal  !" 

The  paper  came  out,  and  I  never  knew  any  little  thing 
attract  so  much  attention  as  those  playful  trifles  of  mine. 

For  once  the  Hannibal  Journal  was  in  demand — a 
novelty  it  had  not  experienced  before.  The  whole  town 
was  stirred.  Higgins  dropped  in  with  a  double-barrelled 
shot-gun  early  in  the  forenoon.  When  he  found  it  was 
an  infant  (as  he  called  me)  that  had  done  him  the  damage, 
he  simply  pulled  my  ears  and  went  away ;  but  he  threw 
up  his  situation  that  night  and  left  town  for  good.  The 
tailor  came  with  his  goose  and  a  pair  of  shears ;  but  he 
despised  me  too,  and  departed  for  the  south  that  night. 
The  two  lampooned  citizens  came  with  threats  of  libel, 
and  went  away  incensed  at  my  insignificance.  The 
country  editor  pranced  in  with  a  warwhoop  next  day, 
suffering  for  blood  to  drink ;  but  he  ended  by  forgiving 
me  cordially  and  inviting  me  down  to  the  drug  store  to 
wash  away  all  animosity  in  a  friendly  bumper  of  "  Fahne- 
stock's  Vermifuge."  It  was  his  little  joke.  My  uncle  was 
very  angry  when  he  got  back — unreasonably  so,  I  thought, 
considering  what  an  impetus  I  had  given  the  paper,  and 
considering  also  that  gratitude  for  his  preservation  ought 
to  have  been  uppermost  in  his  mind,  inasmuch  as  by  his 
delay  he  had  so  wonderfully  escaped  dissection,  tomahawk- 


MY    FIRS!   LITERARY   ADVENTURE.  141 

Ing,  libel,  and  getting  his  head  shot  off.  But  he  softened 
when  he  looked  at  the  accounts  and  saw  that  I  had  actu 
ally  booked  the  unparalleled  number  of  thirty- three  new 
subscribers,  and  had  the  vegetables  to  show  for  it,  cord- 
wood,  cabbage,  beans,  and  unsaleable  turnips  enough  tc 
run  the  1'amily  for  two  years  ! 


142  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 


THE  FACTS  IN  THE  CASE  OF  THE  GREAT 
BEEF  CONTRACT. 


IN  as  few  words  as  possible  I  wish  to  lay  before  the 
nation  what  share,  howsoever  small,  I  have  had  in 
this  matter — this  matter  which  has  so  exercised  the  pub 
lic  mind,  engendered  so  much  ill-feeling,  and  so  filled  the 
newspapers  of  both  continents  with  distorted  statements 
and  extravagant  comments. 

The  origin  of  this  distressful  thing  was  this — and  I  as 
sert  here  that  every  fact  in  the  following  resume  can  be 
amply  proved  by  the  official  records  of  the  General  Gov 
ernment  : — 

John  Wilson  Mackenzie,  of  Rotterdam,  Chemung 
county,  New  Jersey,  deceased,  contracted  with  the  Gen 
eral  Government,  on  or  about  the  10th  day  of  October. 
1861,  to  furnish  to  General  Sherman  the  sum  total  of 
thirty  barrels  of  beef. 

Very  well. 

He  started  after  Sherman  with  the  beef,  but  when  he 
got  to  Washington  Sherman  had  gone  to  Manassas ;  so  he 
took  the  beef  and  followed  him  there,  but  arrived  too 
late;  he  followed  him  to  Nashville,  and  from  Nashville  to 
Chattanooga,  and  from  Chattanooga  to  Atlanta — but  he 


THE  GREAT  BEEF  CONTRACT.          14o 

never  could  overtake  him.  At  Atlanta  he  took  a  fresh 
start  and  followed  him  clear  through  his  march  to  the 
sea.  He  arrived  too  late  again'by  a  few  days ;  but  hear 
ing  that  Sherman  was  going  out  in  the  Quaker  City  ex 
cursion  to  the  Holy  Land,  he  took  shipping  for  Beirut, 
calculating  to  head  off  the  other  vessel.  When  he  arrived 
in  Jerusalem  with  his  beef,  he  learned  that  Sherman  had 
not  sailed  in  the  Quaker  City,  but  had  gone  to  the  Plains 
to  fight  the  Indians.  He  returned  to  America,  and  start 
ed  for  the  Rocky  Mountains.  After  sixty-eight  days  of 
arduous  travel  on  the  Plains,  and  when  he  had  got 
within  four  miles  of  Sherman's  head-quarters,  he  was 
tomahawked  and  scalped,  and  the  Indians  o;ot  the  beef. 
They  got  all  of  it  but  one  barrel.  Sherman's  army 
captured  that,  and  so  even  in  death,  the  bold  navigator 
partly  fulfilled  his  contract.  In  his  will,  ./fiich  he  had 
kept  like  a  journal,  he  bequeathed  the  ccntr^t  to  his  son 
Bartholomew  W.  Bartholomew  W.  made  oi't  th.  .1'oJ low 
ing  bill,  and  then  died: — 

THE  UNITED  STATES 
In  account  with  JOHN  WILSON  MACKENZIE,  of  New  Jersey,  deceased.     Dr. 

To  thirty  barrels  of  beef  for  General  Sherman,  at  $100 $3,000 

To  travelling  expenses  and  transportation 14,000 

Total $17,000 

Rec'd  Pay't. 

He  died  then ;  but  he  left  the  contract  to  Wm.  J.  Martin, 
Avho  tried  to  collect  it,  but  died  before  he  got  throng! i. 
He  left  it  to  Barker  J.  Allen,  and  he  tried  to  collect  it 
also.  He  did  not  survive.  Barker  J.  Allen  left  it  .0 


144  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

Anson  G.  Rogers,  who  attempted  to  collect  it,  and  got 
along  as  far  as  the  Ninth  Auditor's  Office,  when  Death 
the  great  Leveller,  came  all  unsummoned,  and  foreclosed 
on  him  also.  He  left  the  bill  to  a  relative  of  his  in  Con 
necticut,  Vengeance  Hopkins  by  name,  who  lasted  four 
weeks  and  two  days,  and  made  the  best  time  on  record, 
coining  within  one  of  reaching  the  Twelfth  Auditor.  In 
his  will  he  gave  the  contract  bill  to  his  uncle,  by  the  name 
of  0-be-joyful  Johnson.  It  was  too  undermining  for  Joy 
ful.  His  last  words  were:  "Weep  not  for  me — /  am 
willing  to  go."  And  so  he  was,  poor  soul.  Seven  peo 
ple  inherited  the  contract  after  that ;  but  they  all  died. 
So  it  came  into  my  hands  at  last.  It  fell  to  me  through 
a  relative  by  the  name  of  Hubbard — Bethlehem  Hubbard, 
of  Indiana.  He  had  a  grudge  against  me  for  a  long  time  ; 
but  in  his  last  moments  he  sent  for  me,  and  forgave  me 
everything,  and,  weeping,  gave  me  the  beef  contract. 

This  ends  the  history  of  it  up  to  the  time  that  I  suc 
ceeded  to  the  property.  I  will  now  endeavour  to  set 
myself  straight  before  the  nation  in  everything  that  con 
cerns  my  share  in  the  matter.  I  took  this  beef  contract, 
and  the  bill  for  mileage  and  transportation,  to  the  Presi 
dent  of  the  United  States. 

He  said,  "  Well  sir,  what  can  I  do  for  you  ? " 
I  said,  "  Sire,  on  or  about  the  10th  day  of  October, 
1861.  John  Wilson  Mackenzie,  of  Rotterdam,  Chemung 
county,  New  Jersey,  deceased,  contracted  with  the  Gen 
eral  Government  to  furnish  to  General  Sherman  the  sum 
total  of  thirty  barrels  of  beef " 


THE  GREAT  BEEF  CONTRACT.  145 

He  stopped  me  there,  and  dismissed  me  from  his  pre 
sence — kindly,  but  firmly.  The  next  day  I  called  on  the 
Secretary  of  State. 

He  said,  "Well,  sir?" 

I  said,  "Your  Royal  Highness,  on  or  about  the  10th 
day  of  October,  1861,  John  Wilson  Mackenzie,  of  Rotter 
dam,  Chemung  county,  New  Jersey,  deceased,  contracted 
with  the  General  Government  to  furnish  to  General  Sher 
man  the  sum  total  of  thirty  barrels  of  beef " 

"  That  will  do,  sir — that  will  do  ;  this  office  has  nothing 
to  do  with  contracts  for  beef." 

I  was  bowed  out.  I  thought  the  matter  all  over,  and 
finally,  the  following  day,  1  visited  the  Secretary  of  the 
Navy,  who  said,  "  Speak  quickly,  sir ;  do  not  keep  me 
waiting." 

I  said,  "  Your  Royal  Highness,  on  or  about  the  10th 
day  of  October,  1861,  John  Wilson  Mackenzie,  of  Rotter 
dam,  Chemung  county,  New  Jersey,  deceased,  contracted 
with  the  General  Government  to  furnish  to  General  Sher 
man  the  sum  total  of  thirty  barrels  of  beef- 
Well,  it  was  as  far  as  I  could  get.  He  had  nothing  to 
do  with  beef  contracts  for  General  Sherman  either.  I  be 
gan  to  think  it  was  a  curious  kind  of  a  Government.  It 
looked  somewhat  as  if  they  wanted  to  get  out  of  paying 
for  that  beef.  The  following  day  I  went  to  the  Secretary 
of  the  Interior. 

I  said,  "Your  Imperial  Highness,  on  or  about  the  10th 
day  of  October — 

"  That  is  sufficient,  sir.     J  have   heard   of  you   before. 


146  SKETCHES   BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

Go,  take  your  infamous  beef  contract  out  of  this  establish 
ment.  The  Interior  Department  has  nothing  whatever 
to  do  with  subsistence  for  the  army." 

I  went  away.  But  I  was  exasperated  now.  I  said  I 
would  haunt  them  ;  I  would  infest  every  department  of 
this  iniquitous  Government  till  that  contract  business  was 
settled.  I  would  collect  that  bill,  or  fall,  as  fell  my 
predecessors,  trying.  I  assailed  the  Postmaster-General ; 
I  besieged  the  Agricultural  Department ;  I  waylaid  the 
Speaker  of  the  House  of  Representatives.  They  had 
nothing  to  do  with  army  contracts  for  beef.  I  moved 
upon  the  Commissioner  of  the  Patent  Office. 

I  said,  "Your  August  Excellency,  on  or  about " 

"Perdition !  have  you  got  here  with  your  incendiary 
beef  contract,  at  last  ?  We  have  nothing  to  do  with  beef 
contracts  for  the  army,  my  dear  sir." 

"  Oh,  that  is  all  very  well — but  somebody  has  got  to  pa} 
for  that  beef.  It  has  got  to  be  paid  now,  too,  or  I'll  con 
fiscate  this  old  Patent  Office  and  everything  in  it." 

"  But,  my  dear  sir 

"It  don't  make  any  difference,  sir.  The  Patent  Office 
is  liable  for  that  beef,  I  reckon  ;  and,  liable  or  not  liable, 
the  Patent  Office  has  got  to  pay  for  it." 

Never  mind  the  details.  It  ended  in  a  fight.  The 
Patent  Office  won.  But  I  found  out  something  to  my 
advantage.  I  was  told  that  the  Treasury  Department 
was  the  proper  place  for  me  to  go  to.  I  went  there.  I 
waited  two  hours  and  a  half,  and  then  I  was  admitted  to 
the  First  Lord  of  the  Treasury. 


THE   GREAT  BEEF   CONTRA 


I  said,  "  Most  noble,  grave,  and  reverend  Signer,  on  or 
about  the  10th  day  of  October,  1861,  John  Wilson  Mac- 
ken " 

"  That  is  sufficient,  sir.  I  have  heard  of  you.  Go  to 
the  First  Auditor  of  the  Treasury." 

I  did  so.  He  sent  me  to  the  Second  Auditor.  The 
Second  Auditor  sent  me  to  the  Third,  and  the  Third  sent 
me  to  the  First  Comptroller  of  the  Corn-Beef  Division. 
This  began  to  look  like  business.  He  examined  his  books 
and  all  his  loose  papers,  but  found  no  minute  of  the  beef 
contract.  I  went  to  the  Second  Comptroller  of  the  Corn- 
Beef  Division.  He  examined  his  books  and  his  loose 
papers,  but  with  no  success.  I  was  encouraged.  During 
that  week  T  got  as  far  as  the  Sixth  Comptroller  in  that 
division ;  the  next  week  I  got  through  the  Claims  De 
partment  ;  the  third  week  I  began  and  completed  the  Mis 
laid  Contracts  Department,  and  got  a  foothold  in  the 
Dead  Reckoning  Department.  I  finished  that  in  three 
days.  There  was  only  one  place  left  for  it  now.  I  laid 
siege  to  the  Commissioner  of  Odds  and  Ends.  To  his  Clerk 
rather, — he  was  not  there  himself.  There  were  sixteen 
beautiful  young  ladies  in  the  room,  writing  in  books,  and 
there  were  seven  well-favoured  young  clerks  showing 
them  how.  The  young  women  smiled  up  over  their 
.'shoulders,  and  the  clerks  smiled  back  at  them,  and  all 
went  merry  as  a  marriage  bell.  Two  or  three  clerks  that 
were  reading  the  newspapers  looked  at  me  rather  hard, 
but  went  on  reading,  and  nobody  said  anything.  How 
ever,  I  had  been  used  to  this  kind  of  alacrity  from 


H<S  SKETCHES  BY  MAEK  TWAIN. 

Fourth-Assistant-Junior  Clerks  all  through  my  eventful 
career,  from  the  very  day  I  entered  the  first  office  of  the 
Corn-Beef  Bureau  clear  till  I  had  passed  out  of  the  last 
one  in  the  Dead  Reckoning  Division.  I  had  got  so  ac 
complished  by  this  time  that  I  could  stand  on  one  foot  from 
the  moment  I  entered  an  office  till  a  clerk  spoke  to  me, 
without  changing  more  than  two,  or  maybe  three  times. 

So  I  stood  there  till  I  had  changed  four  different  times. 
Then  I  said  to  one  of  the  clerks  who  was  reading — 

"Illustrious  Vagrant,  where  is  the  Grand  Turk  ?" 

"What  do  you  mean,  sir,  whom  do  you  mean  ?  If  you 
mean  the  Chief  of  the  Bureau,  he  is  out." 

"Will  he  visit  the  harem  to-day?" 

The  young  man  glared  upon  me  awhile,  and  then  went 
on  reading  his  paper.  But  I  knew  the  ways  of  those  clerks. 
I  knew  I  was  safe  if  he  got  through  before  another  New 
York  mail  arrived.  He  only  had  two  more  papers  left. 
After  a  while  he  finished  them,  and  then  he  yawned  and 
asked  me  what  I  wanted. 

"Renowned  and  honoured  Imbecile :    On  or  about " 

"You  are  the  beef  contract  man.  Give  me  your  pa 
pers." 

He  took  them,  and  for  a  long  time  he  ransacked  his 
odds  and  ends.  Finally  he  found  the  North-West  Pas 
sage,  as  /  regarded  it — he  found  the  long-lost  record  of 
that  beef  contract — he  found  the  rock  upon  which  so 
many  of  my  ancestors  had  split  before  they  ever  got  to 
it.  I  was  deeply  moved.  And  yet  I  rejoiced — for  I  had 
survived,  I  said  with  emotion,  "  Give  it  me.  The  Govern- 


THE  GREAT  BEEF  CONTRACT.  149 

ment  will  settle  now."  He  waved  me  back,  and  said  there* 
was  something  yet  to  be  done  first. 

"  Where  is  this  John  Wilson  Mackenzie  ?"  said  ho. 

"  Dead." 

"When  did  he  die?" 

"He  didn't  die  at  all— he  was  killed." 

"How?" 

"  Tomahawked." 

"  Who  tomahawked  him  ?" 

"  Why,  an  Indian,  of  course.  You  didn't  suppose  it  was 
the  superintendent  of  a  Sunday-school,  did  you  ?" 

"  No.     An  Indian,  was  it  ?" 

"  The  same." 

"Name  of  the  Indian?" 

"  His  name  ?     /  don't  know  his  name." 

"Must  have  his  name.  Who  saw  the  tomahawking 
done  ? " 

"  I  don't  know." 

"  You  were  not  present  yourself,  then  ?" 

"  Which  you  can  see  by  my  hair.     I  was  absent." 

"  Then  how  do  you  know  that  Mackenzie  is  dead  ?" 

"  Because  he  certainly  died  at  that  time,  and  I  have 
every  reason  to  believe  that  he  has  been  dead  ever  since. 
I  know  he  has,  in  fact." 

"  We  must  have  proofs.     Have  you   got  the  Indian  ? " 

"  Of  course  not." 

"  Well,  you  must  get  him.  Have  you  got  the  toma 
hawk?" 

"  I  never  thought  of  such  a  thing." 


150  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

"  You  must  get  the  tomahawk.  You  must  produce  the 
Indian  and  the  tomahawk.  If  Mackenzie's  death  can  be 
proven  by  these,  you  can  then  go  before  the  commission 
appointed  to  audit  claims  with  some  show  of  getting  your 
bill  under  such  headway  that  your  children  may  possibly 
live  to  receive  the  money  and  enjoy  it.  But  that  man's 
death  must  be  proven.  However,  I  may  as  well  tell  you 
that  the  Government  will  never  pay  that  transportation 
and  those  travelling  expenses  of  the  lamented  Mackenzie. 
It  may  possibly  pay  for  the  barrel  of  beef  that  Sherman's 
soldiers  captured,  if  you  can  get  a  relief  bill  through 
Congress  making  an  appropriation  for  that  purpose  ;  but 
it  will  not  pay  for  the  twenty-nine  barrels  the  Indians 
ate." 

"  Then  there  is  only  a  hundred  dollars  due  me,  and 
that  isn't  certain!  After  all  Mackenzie's  travels  in 
Europe,  Asia,  and  America  with  that  beef ;  after  all  his 
trials  and  tribulations  and  transportation ;  after  the 
slaughter  of  all  those  innocents  that  tried  to  collect  that 
bill !  Young  man,  why  didn't  the  First  Comptroller  of 
the  Corn-Beef  Division  tell  me  this  ?" 

"  He  didn't  know  anything  about  the  genuineness  of 
your  claim." 

"  Why  didn't  the  Second  tell  me  ?  why  didn't  the 
Third  ?  why  didn't  all  those  divisions  and  departments 
tell  me?" 

"  None  of  them  knew.  We  do  things  by  routine  here. 
You  have  followed  the  routine  and  found  out  what  you 
wanted  to  know.  It  is  the  best  way.  It  is  the  only 


THE  GREAT  BEEF  CONTRACT.          151 

way.  It  is  very  regular,  and  very  slow,  but  it  is  very 
certain." 

"  Yes,  certain  death.  It  has  been,  to  the  most  of  our 
tribe.  I  begin  to  feel  that  I,  too,  am  called.  Young  man, 
you  love  the  bright  creature  yonder  with  the  gentle  blue 
eyes  and  the  steel  pens  behind  her  ears — I  see  it  in  your 
soft  glances ;  you  wish  to  marry  her — but  you  are  poor. 
Here,  hold  out  you  hand — here  is  the  beef  contract ;  go, 
take  her  and  be  happy !  Heaven  bless  you,  my  chil 
dren!" 

This  is  all  I  know  about  the  great  beef  contract,  that 
has  created  so  much  talk  in  the  community.  The  clerk 
to  whom  I  bequeathed  it  died.  I  know  nothing  further 
about  the  contract,  or  any  one  connected  with  it.  I  only 
know  that  if  a  man  lives  long  enough  he  can  trace  a  thing- 
through  the  Circumlocution  Office  of  Washington,  and 
find  out,  after  much  labour  and  trouble  and  delay,  that 
which  he  could  have  found  out  on  the  first  day  if  the 
business  of  the  Circumlocution  Office  were  as  ingeniously 
systematized  as  it  would  be  if  it  were  a  great  private 
mercantile  institution. 


152  SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAItf. 


THE  CASE  OF  GEORGE  FISHER  * 


THIS  is  history.  It  is  not  a  wild  extravaganza,  like 
"John  Wilson  Mackenzie's  Great  Beef  Contract/' 
but  is  a  plain  statement  of  facts  and  circumstances  with 
which  the  Congress  of  the  United  States  has  interested 
itself  from  time  to  time  during  the  long  period  of  half  a 
century. 

I  will  not  call  this  matter  of  George  Fisher's  a  great 
deathless  and  unrelenting  swindle  upon  the  Government 
and  people  of  the  United  States — for  it  has  never  been 
decided,  and  I  hold  that  it  is  a  grave  and  solemn  wrong 
for  a  writer  to  cast  slurs  or  call  names  when  such  is  the 
case — but  will  simply  present  the  evidence  and  let  the 
reader  deduce  his  own  verdict.  Then  we  shall  do  nobody 
injustice,  and  our  consciences  shall  be  clear. 

On  or  about  the  1st  day  of  September  1813,  the  Creek 


*  Some  years  ago,  when  this  was  first  published,  few  people  believed  it, 
but  considered  it  a  mere  extravaganza.  In  these  latter  days  it  seems  hard  to 
realize  that  there  was  ever  a  time  when  the  robbing  of  our  government  was 
a  novelty.  The  very  man  who  showed  me  where  to  find  the  documents  for 
this  case  was  at  that  very  time  spending  hundreds  of  thousands  of  dollars 
in  Washington  for  a  mail  steamship  concern,  in  the  effort  to  procure  a  sub 
sidy  for  the  company — a  fact  which  was  a  long  time  coming  to  the  surface, 
but  leaked  out  at  last  and  underwent  Congressional  investigation. 


THE  CASE  OF   GEORGE  FISHER.  153 

war  being  then  in  progress  in  Florida,  the  crops,  herds, 
and  houses  of  Mr.  George  Fisher,  a  citizen,  were  de 
stroyed,  either  by  the  Indians  or  by  the  United  States 
troops  in  pursuit  of  them.  By  the  terms  of  the  law,  if 
the  Indians  destroyed  the  property,  there  was  no  relief 
for  Fisher ;  but  if  the  troops  destroyed  it,  the  Govern 
ment  of  the  United  States  was  debtor  to  Fisher  for  the 
amount  involved. 

George  Fisher  must  have  considered  that  the  Indians 
destroyed  the  property,  because,  although  he  lived  sever 
al  years  afterward,  he  does  not  appear  to  have  ever  made 
any  claim  upon  the  Government. 

In  the  course  of  time  Fisher  di$d,  and  his  widow  mar 
ried  again.  And  by  and  by,  nearly  twenty  years  after 
that  dimly-remembered  raid  upon  Fisher's  cornfields,  the 
widow  Fisher's  new  husband  petitioned  Congress  for  pay 
for  the  property,  and  backed  up  the  petition  with  many 
depositions  and  affidavits  which  purported  to  prove  that 
the  troops,  and  not  the  Indians,  destroyed  the  property ; 
that  the  troops,  for  some  inscrutable  reason,  deliberately 
burned  down  "houses"  (or  cabins)  valued  at  $600,  the 
same  belonging  to  a  peaceable  private  citizen,  and  also 
destroyed  various  other  property  belonging  to  the  same 
citizen.  But  Congress  declined  to  believe  that  the  troops 
were  such  idiots  (after  overtaking  and  scattering  a  band 
of  Indians  proved  to  have  been  found  destroying  Fisher's 
property)  as  to  calmly  continue  the  work  of  destruction 
themselves,  and  make  a  complete  job  of  what  the  Indians 
had  only  commenced.  So  Congress  denied  the  petition 
11 


154  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

of  the  heirs  of  George  Fisher  in  1832,  and  did  not  pay 
them  a  cent. 

"We  hear  no  more  from  them  officially  until  1848,  six 
teen  years  after  their  first  attempt  on  the  Treasury,  and 
a  full  generation  after  the  death  of  the  man  whose  fields 
were  destroyed.  The  new  generation  of  Fisher  heirs  then 
came  forward  and  put  in  a  bill  for  damages.  The  Second 
Auditor  awarded  them  $8,873,  being  half  the  damage 
sustained  by  Fisher.  The  Auditor  said  the  testimony 
showed  that  at  least  half  the  destruction  was  done  by  the 
Indians  "before  the  troops  started  in  pursuit"  and  of 
course  the  Government  w&s  not  responsible  for  that  half. 

2.  That  was  in  April,  1848.     In  December,  1848,  the 
heirs  of  George  Fisher,  deceased,  came  forward  and.  pleaded 
for  a  "  revision  "  of  their  bill  of  damages.     The  revision 
was   made,  but  nothing  new  could   be  found   in  their 
favour  except  an  error  of  $100  in  the  former  calculation. 
However,  in  order  to  keep  up  the  spirits  of  the  Fisher 
family,  the  Auditor  concluded  to  go  back  and  allow  in 
terest  from  the  date  of  the  first  petition  (1832)  to  the  date 
when  the  bill  of  damages  was  awarded.     This  sent  the 
Fishers  home  happy  with  sixteen  years'  interest  on  $8,873 
—the  same  amounting  to  $8,997.94.     Total,  $17,870.94. 

3.  For  an  entire  year  the  suffering  Fisher  family  re 
mained  quiet — even  satisfied,  after  a  fashion.     Then  they 
swooped    down    upon    Government   with    their   wrongs 
once  more.     That  old  patriot,  Attorney-General  Toucey, 
burrowed  through  the  musty  papers  of  the  Fishers  and 
discovered  one  more  chance  for  the  desolate  orphans — in- 


THE  CASE   OF  GEORGE  FISHER.  155 

terest  on  that  original  award  of  $8,873  from  date  of  de- 
structio,  of  the  property  (1813)  up  to  1832  !  Result,  $10,- 
004.89  for  the  indigent  Fishers.  So  now  we  have  : — First, 
$8,873  damages;  second,  interest  on  it  from  1832  to  1848, 
$8,997.94 ;  third,  interest  on  it  dated  back  to  1813..  $10,- 
004.89.  Total,  $27,875.83  !  What  better  investment  for 
a  great-grandchild  than  to  get  the  Indians  to  burn  a  corn 
field  for  him  sixty  or  seventy  years  before  his  birth,  and 
plausibly  lay  it  on  lunatic  United  States  troops  ? 

4.  Strange  as  it  may  seem,  the  Fishers  let  Congress 
alone  for  five  years — or,  what  is  perhaps  more  likely,  fail 
ed  to  make  themselves  heard  by  Congress  for  that  length 
of  time.     But  at  last  in  1854,  they  got  a  hearing.     They 
persuaded  Congress  to  pass  an  act  requiring  the  Auditor 
to  re-examine  their  case.     But  this  time  they  stumbled 
upon  the  misfortune  of  an  honest  Secretary  of  the  Treas 
ury  (Mr.  James  Guthrie),  and  he  spoiled  everything.     He 
said  in  very  plain  language  that  the  Fishers  were  not  only 
not  entitled  to  another   cent,  but  that  those  children  of 
many  sorrows  and  acquainted  with  grief  had  been  paid 
too  much  already, 

5.  Therefore  another  interval  of  rest  and  silence  ensued 
— an  interval  which  lasted  four  years — viz.,  till  1858.    The 
"  right  man  in  the  right  place  "  was  then  Secretary  of  War 
— John  B.  Floyd,  of  peculiar  renown  !     Here  was  a  master 
intellect ;  here  was  the  very  man  to  succour  the  suffering 
heirs  of  dead  and  forgotten  Fisher.     They  came  up  from 
Florida  with  a  rush — a  great  tidal  wave  of  Fishers  freight 
ed  with  the  same  old  musty  documents  about  the  same 


156  SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

immortal  cornfields  of  their  ancestor.  They  straightway 
got  an  Act  passed  transferring  the  Fisher  matter  from  the 
dull.  Auditor  to  the  ingenious  Floyd.  What  did  Floyd  do  ? 
He  said,  "  IT  WAS  PROVED  that  the  Indians  destroyed  every 
thing  they  could  before  the  troops  entered  in  pursuit!' 
He  considered,  therefore,  that  what  they  destroyed  must 
have  consisted  of  "  the  houses  with  alt  their  contents,  and 
the  liquor  "  (the  most  trifling  part  of  the  destruction,  and 
set  down  at  only  $3,200  all  told),  and  that  the  Govern 
ment  troops  then  drove  them  off  and  calmly  proceeded  to 
destroy — 

Two  hundred  and  twenty  acres  of  corn  in  the  field, 
thirty-five  acres  of  wheat,  and  nine  hundred  and  eighty- 
six  head  of  live  stock !  [What  a  singularly  '.ntelligent 
army  we  had  in  those  days,  according  to  Mr.  Floyd — 
though  not  according  to  the  Congress  of  1832.] 

So  Mr.  Floyd  decided  that  the  Government  was  not  re 
sponsible  for  that  $3,200  worth  of  rubbish  which  the  In 
dians  destroyed,  but  was  responsible  for  the  property  de 
stroyed  by  the  troops — which  property  consisted  of  (I 
quote  from  the  printed  United  States  Senate  document) — 

Corn  at  Bassett's  Creek  3,000 

Cattle  5,000 

Stock  hogs  , , 1,050 

Drove  hogs 1,204 

Wheat 350 

Hides 4,000 

Corn  on  the  Alabama  Eiver  3,500 

Total 18,104 

That  sum,  in  his  report,  Mr.  Floyd  calls  the  "  full  value 
of  the  property  destroyed  by  the  troops."  He  allows  that 


THE   CASE   OF   GEORGE   FISHER.  157 

sum  to  the  starving  Fishers,  TOGETHER  WITH  INTEREST 
FROM  1813.  From  this  new  sum  total  the  amounts  al 
ready  paid  to  the  Fishers  were  deducted,  and  then  the 
cheerful  remainder  (a  fraction  under  forty  thousand  dol 
lars)  was  handed  to  them,  and  again  they  retired  to  Flori 
da  in  a  condition  of  temporary  tranquility.  Their  ances 
tor's  farm  had  now  yielded  them,  altogether,  nearly  sixty- 
seven  thousand  dollars  in  cash. 

6.  Does  the  reader  suppose  that  that  was  the  end  of  it  ? 
Does  he  suppose  those  diffident  Fishers  were  satisfied  ? 
Let  the  evidence  show.  The  Fishers  were  quiet  just  two 
years. — Then  they  came  swarming  up  out  of  the  fertile 
swamps  of  Florida  with  their  same  old  documents,  and 
besieged  Congress  once  more.  Congress  capitulated  on 
the  first  of  June,  18GO,  and  instructed  Mr.  Floyd  to  over 
haul  those  papers  again  and  pay  that  bill.  A  Treasury 
clerk  was  ordered  to  go  through  those  papers  and  report 
to  Mr.  Floyd  what  amount  was  still  due  the  emaciated  Fish 
ers.  This  clerk  (I  can  produce  him  whenever  he  is  wanted) 
discovered  what  wras  apparently  a  glaring  and  recent 
forgery  in  the  papers,  whereby  a  witness's  testimony  as 
to  the  price  of  corn  in  Florida  in  1813  was  made  to 
name  double  the  amount  which  that  witness  had  origin 
ally  specified  as  the  price  !  The  clerk  not  only  called  his 
superior's  attention  to  this  thing,  but  in  making  up  his 
brief  of  tho  case  called  particular  attention  to  it  in  writ 
ing.  That  part  of  the  brief  never  got  before  Congress,  nor 
has  Congress  ever  yet  had  a  hint  of  a  forgery  existing 
among  the  Fisher  papers.  Nevertheless,  on  the  basis  of  the 


158  SKETCHES   BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

double  prices  (and  totally  ignoring  the  clerk's  assertion 
that  the  figures  were  manifestly  and  unquestionably  a 
recent  forgery,)  Mr.  Floyd  remarks  in  his  new  report  that 
the  "  testimony,  particularly  in  regard  to  the  corn  crops 
DEMANDS  A  MUCH  HIGHER  ALLOWANCE  than  any  heretofore 
made  by  the  Auditor  or  myself."     So  he  estimates  the 
crop  at  sixty  bushels  to  the   acre    (double   what   Florida 
acres  produce),  and  then  virtuously  allows  pay  for  only 
half  the  crop,  but  allows  two  dollars  and  a  half  a  bushel 
for  that  half,  when  there  are  rusty  old  books  and  docu 
ments  in  the  Congressional  library  to  show  just  what  the 
Fisher  testimony  showed  before  the  forgery — viz.,  that  in 
the  fall  of  1818  corn  was  only  worth  from  SI. 25  to  SI. 50 
a    bushel.     Having    accomplished  this,   what   does   Mr. 
Floyd  do  next  ?     Mr.  Floyd  ("  with  an  earnest  desire  to 
execute  truly  the  legislative  will,"  as  he  piously  remarks) 
goes  to  work  and  makes  out  an  entirely  new  bill  of  Fisher 
damages,  and  in  this   new   bill   he   placidly   ignores  the 
Indians  altogether — puts  no  particle  of  the  destruction 
of  the  Fisher  property  upon  them,  but,  even  repenting 
him  of  charging  them  with  burning  the  cabins  and  drink 
ing  the  whiskey  and  breaking  the  crockery,  lays  the  entire 
damage  at  the  door  of  the  imbecile  United  States  troops, 
down  to  the  very  last  item  !     And  not  only  that,  but  uses 
the  forgery  to  double  the  loss  of  corn  at  "  Bassett's  Creek," 
and  uses  it  again  to  absolutely  treble  the  loss  of  corn  on. 
the  "  Alabama  River."    This  new  and  ably  conceived  and 
executed  bill  of  Mr.  Floyd's  figures  up  as  follows  (I  copy 
again  from  the  printed  U.  S.  Senate  document) : — 


THE   CASE  OF  GEORGE   FISHER.  159 

The  United  States  in  account  loith  the  legal  representatives  of  George  Fisher, 
deceased. 

DOL.  C. 

1813.— To  550  head  of  cattle,  at  10  dollars 5,500  00 

To  86  heads  of  drove  hogs 1,20400 

To  350  head  of  stock  hogs 1,750  00 

To  100  ACEES  OF  CORN  ON  BASSETT'S   CREEK 6,000  00 

To  8  barrels  of  whiskey 350  00 

To  2  barrels  of  brandy 280  00 

To  1  barrel  of  rum 70  00 

To  dry  goods  and  merchandise  in  store 1,100  00 

To  35  acres  of  wheat 350  00 

To  2,000  hides  4,000  00 

To  furs  and  hats  in  store GOO  00 

To  crockery  wars  in  store 100  00 

To  smiths'1  and  carpenters'  tools 250  00 

To  houses  burned  and  destroyed 600  00 

To  4  dozen  bottles  of  wine 48  00 

1814.— To  120  acres  of  corn  on  Alabama  River 9,500  00 

To  crops  of  peas,  fodder,  etc 3,250  00 

Total 34,952  00 

To  interest  on  $22,202,  July  1813  to  November  1860, 

47  years  and  4  months 63,053  68 

To  interest  on  $12,750,  from  September  1814  to  No 
vember  1860,  46  years  and  2  months 35, 317  50 

Total 133,32318 

He  puts  everything  in  this  time.  He  does  not  even 
allow  that  the  Indians  destroyed  the  crockery  or  drank 
the  four  dozen  bottles  of  (currant)  wine.  When  it  came 
to  supernatural  comprehensiveness  in  "gobbling,"  John 
B.  Floyd  was  without  his  equal,  in  his  own  or  any  other 
generation.  Subtracting  from  the  above  total  the  $67,- 
000  already  paid  to  George  Fisher's  implacable  heirs,  Mr. 
Floyd  announced  that  the  Government  was  still  indebted 
to  them  in  the  sum  of  sixty-six  thousand  five  hundred 
and  nineteen  dollars  and  eight-five  cents,  "which"  Mr. 


1GO  SKETCHES   BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

Floyd  complacently  remarks,  "  will  be  paid,  accordingly, 
to  the  administrator  of  the  estate  of  George  Fisher,  de 
ceased,  or  to  his  attorney  in  fact." 

But  sadly  enough  for  the  destitute  orphans,  a  new  Presi 
dent  came  in  just  at  this  time,  Buchanan  and  Floyd  went 
out,  and  they  never  got  their  money.  The  first  thing 
Congress  did  in  1861  was  to  rescind  the  resolution  of 
June  1,  18GO,  under  which  Mr.  Floyd  had  been  ciphering. 
Then  Floyd  (and  doubtless  the  heirs  of  George  Fisher 
likewise)  had  to  give  up  financial  business  for  a  while, 
and  go  into  the  Confederate  army  and  serve  their 
country. 

Were  the  heirs  of  George  Fisher  killed  ?  No.  They 
are  back  now  at  this  very  time  (July  1870),  beseech 
ing  Congress  through  that  blushing  and  diffident  creature, 
Garrett  Davis,  to  coromence  making  payments  again  on 
their  interminable  and  insatiable  bill  of  damages  for  corn 
and  whiskey  destroyed  by  a  gang  of  irresponsible  Indians, 
so  long  ago  that  even  government  red-tape  has  failed  to 
keep  consistent  and  intelligent  track  of  it. 

Now,  the  above  are  facts.  They  are  history.  Any  one 
who  doubts  it  can  send  to  the  Senate  Document  De 
partment  of  the  Capitol  for  H.  R  Ex.  Doc.  No.  21,  36th 
Congress,  2nd  Session,  and  for  S.  Ex.  Doc.  No.  106,  41st 
Congress,  2nd  Session,  and  satisfy  himself.  The  whole 
case  is  set  forth  in  the  first  volume  of  the  Court  of  Claims 
Reports. 

It  is  my  belief  that  as  long  as  the  continent  of  America 
holds  together,  the  heirs  of  George  Fisher,  deceased,  will 


THE   CASE   OF   GEORGE   FISHER.  161 

still  make  pilgrimages  to  Washington  from  the  swamps 
of  Florida,  to  plead  for  just  a  little  more  cash  on  their 
bill  of  damages  (even  when  they  received  the  last  of  that 
sixty-seven  thousand  dollars,  they  said  it  was  only  one- 
fourth  what  the  Government  owed  them  on  that  fruitful 
corn-field),  and  as  long  as  they  choose  to  come,  they  will 
find  Garrett  Davises  to  drag  their  vampire  schemes  before 
Congress.  This  is  not  the  only  hereditary  fraud  (if  fraud 
it  is — which  I  have  before  repeatedly  remarked  is  not 
proven)  that  is  being  quietly  handed  down  from  genera 
tion  to  generation  of  fathers  and  sons,  through  the  perse 
cuted  Treasury  of  the  United  States. 


162  SKETC'.HKS   BY   AMT>TC    TWAIN. 


THE  JUDGE'S  "SPIRITED  WOMAN." 


I  WAS  sitting  here,"  said  the  judge,  "  in  this  old  pul 
pit,  holding  court,  and  we  were  trying  a  big,  wicked- 
looking  Spanish  desperado  for  killing  the  husband  of  a 
bright,  pretty  Mexican  woman.  It  was  a  lazy  summer 
day,  and  au  awfully  long  one,  and  the  witnesses  were 
tedious.  None  of  us  took  any  interest  in  the  trial  ex 
cept  that  nervous,  uneasy  devil  of  a  Mexican  woman — 
because  you  know  how  they  love  and  how  they  hate,  and 
this  one  had  loved  her  husband  with  all  her  might,  and 
now  she  had  boiled  it  all  down  into  hate,  and  stood  there 
spitting  it  at  that  Spaniard  with  her  eyes  ;  and  I  tell  you 
she  would  stir  me  up,  too,  with  a  little  of  her  summer 
lightning  occasionally.  Well,  I  had  my  coat  off  and  my 
heels  up,  lolling  and  sweating,  and  smoking  one  of  those 
cabbage  cigars  the  San  Francisco  people  used  to  think 
were  good  enough  for  us  in  those  times ;  and  the  lawyers 
they  all  had  their  coats  off,  and  were  smoking  and  whit 
tling,  and  the  witnesses  the  same,  and  so  was  the  prisoner. 
Well,  the  fact  is,  there  warn't  any  interest  in  a  murder 
trial  then,  because  the  fellow  was  always  brought  in 
"not  guilty,"  the  jury  expecting  him  to  do  as  much  for 
them  some  time ;  and,  although  the  evidence  was  straight 


THE  JUDGE'S  "SPIRITED  WOMAN."  163 

and  square  against  this  Spaniard,  we  knew  we  could  not 
convict  him  without  seeming  to  be  rather  high  handed 
and  sort  of  reflecting  on  every  gentleman  in  the  com 
munity  ;  for  there  warn't  any  carriages  and  liveries  then, 
and  so  the  only  'style'  there  was,  was  to  keep  your  private 
graveyard.  But  that  woman  seemed  to  have  her  heart 
set  on  hanging  that  Spaniard ;  and  you'd  ought  to  have 
seen  how  she  would  glare  on  him  a  minute,  and  then  look 
up  at  me  in  her  pleading  way,  and  then  turn  and  for  the 
next  five  minutes  search  the  jury's  faces,  and  by  and  by 
drop  her  face  in  her  hands  for  just  a  little  while  as  if  she 
was  most  ready  to  give  up ;  but  out  she'd  come  again 
directly,  and  be  as  live  and  anxious  as  ever.  But  when 
the  jury  announced  the  verdict — Not  Guilty,  and  I  told 
the  prisoner  he  was  acquitted  and  free  to  go,  that  woman 
rose  up  till  she  appeared  to  be  as  tall  and  grand  as  a 
seventy-four-gun-ship,  and  says  she — 

" '  Judge,  do  I  understand  you  to  say  that  this  man  is 
not  guilty,  that  murdered  my  husband  without  any  cause 
before  my  own  eyes  and  my  little  children's,  and  that 
all  has  been  done  to  him  that  ever  justice  and  the  law 
can  do  ? ' 

" '  The  same,'  says  I. 

"  And  then  what  do  you  reckon  she  did  ?  Why,  she 
turned  on  that  smirking  Spanish  fool  like  a  wild  cat,  and 
out  with  a  '  navy '  and  shot  him  dead  in  open  court ! " 

"  That  was  spirited,  I  am  willing  to  admit." 

"  Wasn't  it,  though  ? "  said  the  judge,  admiringly.  "  I 
wouldn't  have  missed  it  for  anything.  I  adjourned  court 


1 04 


SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN 


right  on  the  spot,  and  we  put  on  our  coats  and  went  out 
and  took  up  a  collection  for  her  and  her  cubs,  and  sent 
them  over  the  mountains  to  their  friends.  Ah,  she  was 
a  spirited  wench ! " 


MY    LATE   SENATORIAL   SECRETARYSHIP.  105 


MY  LATE  SENATORIAL  SECRETARYSHIP. 


I  AM  not  a  private  secretary  to  a  senator  any  more,  now. 
I  held  the  berth  two  months  in  security  and  in  great 
cheerfulness  of  spirit,  but  my  bread  began  to  return  from 
over  the  waters,  then — that  is  to  say,  my  works  came 
back  and  revealed  themselves.  I  judged  it  best  to  resign. 
The  way  of  it  was  this.  My  employer  sent  for  me  one 
morning  tolerably  early,  and,  as  soon  as  I  had  finished 
inserting  some  conundrums  clandestinely  into  his  last 
great  speech  upon  finance,  I  entered  the  presence.  There 
was  something  portentous  in  his  appearance.  His  cravat 
was  untied,  his  hair  was  in  a  state  of  disorder,  and  his 
countenance  bore  about  it  the  signs  of  a  suppressed  storm. 
He  held  a  package  of  letters  in  his  tense  grasp,  and  I 
knew  that  the  dreaded  Pacific  mail  was  in.  He  said— 

"  I  thought  you  were  worthy  of  confidence." 

I  said,  "Yes,  sir." 

He  said,  "  I  gave  you  a  letter  from  certain  of  my  con 
stituents  in  the  State  of  Nevada,  asking  the  establish 
ment  of  a  post-office  at  Baldwin's  Ranch,  and  told  you  to 
answer  it,  as  ingeniously  as  you  could,  with  arguments 
which  should  persuade  them  that  there  was  no  real 
necessity  for  an  office  at  that  place." 


166  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

I  felt  easier.     "  Oh,  if  that  is  all,  sir,  I  did  do  that." 
"  Yes,  you  did.    I  will  read  your  answer,  for  your  own 
humiliation : 

"  WASHINGTON,  Nov.  24. 
"'Messrs.  Smith,  Jones,  and  others. 

" '  GENTLEMEN  :  What  the  mischief  do  you  suppose  you  want  with  a  post- 
office  at  Baldwin's  Ranch  ?  It  would  not  do  you  any  good.  If  any  letters 
came  there,  you  couldn't  read  them,  you  know ;  and,  besides,  such  letters  as 
ought  to  pass  through,  with  money  in  them,  for  other  localities,  would  not 
be  likely  to  get  through,  you  must  perceive  at  once ;  and  that  would  make 
trouble  for  us  all.  No,  don't  bother  about  a  post-office  in  your  camp.  I 
have  your  best  interests  at  heart,  and  feel  that  it  would  only  be  an  orna 
mental  folly.  What  you  want  is  a  nice  jail,  you  know — a  nice,  substantial 
jail  and  a  free  school.  These  will  be  a  lasting  benefit  to  you.  These  will 
make  you  really  contented  and  happy.  I  will  move  in  the  matter  at  once. 

"'Very  truly,  etc., 

"  'MARK  TWAIN, 
'"For  James  W.  N**,  U.  S.  Senator.' 

"  That  is  the  way  you  answered  that  letter.  Those 
people  say  they  will  hang  me,  if  I  ever  enter  that  district 
again ;  and  I  am  perfectly  satisfied  they  will,  too." 

"  Well,  sir,  I  did  not  know  I  was  doing  any  harm.  I 
only  wanted  to  convince  them." 

"  Ah.  Well  you  did  convince  them,  I  make  no  man 
ner  of  doubt.  Now,  here  is  another  specimen.  I  gave 
you  a  petition  from  certain  gentleman  of  Nevada,  praying 
that  I  would  get  a  bill  through  Congress  incorporating 
the  Methodist  Episcopal  Church  of  the  State  of  Nevada. 
I  told  you  to  say,  in  reply,  that  the  creation  of  such  a 
law  came  more  properly  within  the  province  of  the  State 
Legislature ;  and  to  endeavour  to  show  them  that,  in  the 
present  feebleness  of  the  religious  element  in  that  new 


MY  LATE  SENATORIAL  SECRETARYSHIP.      167 

commonwealth,    the     expodiency    of  incorporating  the 
church  was  questionable.     What  did  you  write  ? 

"  '  WASHINGTON,  Nov.  24. 

"'Rev.  John  Halifax  and.  other*. 

"  '  GENTLEMEN  :  You  will  have  to  go  to  the  State  Legislative  about  that 
speculation  of  yours—  Congress  don't  know  anything  about  religion.  But 
don't  you  hurry  to  go  there,  eithor;  because  this  thing  you  propose  to  do 
out  in  that  new  country  isn't  expedient— in  fact,  it  is  ridiculous.  Your 
religious  people  there  are  too  feeblo,  in  intellect,  in  morality,  in  piety— in 
everything,  pretty  much.  You  had  better  drop  this — you  can't  make  ::, 
work.  You  can't  issue  stock  on  o,n  incorporation  like  that — or  if  you  could, 
it  would  only  keep  you  in  troublo  all  the  time.  The  other  denominations 
would  abuse  it,  and  "bear"  it,  and  "cell  it  short,"  and  break  it  down.  They 
would  do  with  it  just  as  they  would  rath  one  of  your  silver  mines  out  there 
— they  would  try  to  make  all  tho  world  believe  it  was  "wildcat."  You 
ought  not  to  do  anything  that  is  calculated  to  bring  a  sacred  thing  into  dis 
repute.  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourselves — that  is  what  /think  about 
it.  You  close  your  petition  with  the  words  :  "And  we  will  ever  pray."  I 
think  you  had  better — you  need  to  Jo  it. 

"'Very  truly,  etc., 

"'.MARK  TWAIN, 
"'For  Jam*"*  T'.  N**,  TJ.  S.  Senator.' 

"  That  luminous  epistle  finishes  me  with  the  religious 
element  among  my  constituents.  But  that  my  political 
murder  might  be  made  sure,  some  evil  instinct  prompted 
me  to  hand  you  this  memorial  from  the  grave  company 
of  elders  composing  tho  Board  of  Aldermen  of  the  city  of 
San  Francisco,  to  try  your  hand  upon — a  memorial  pray 
ing  that  the  city's  right  to  the  water-lots  upon  the  city 
front  might  be  established  by  law  of  Congress.  I  told 
you  this  was  a  dangerous  matter  to  move  in.  I  told  you 
to  write  a  non-committal  letter  to  the  Aldermen — an 
ambiguous  letter  that  should  avoid,  as  far  as  possible,  all 
real  consideration  and  discussion  of  the  water-lot  ques- 


168  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

tion.  If  there  is  any  feeling  left  in  you — any  shame — 
surely  this  letter  you  wrote,  in  obedience  to  that  order, 
ought  to  evoke  it,  when  its  words  fall  upon  your  ears : 

WASHINGTON,  Nov.  27. 

"  '  The  Hon.  Board  of  Aldermen,  etc. 

"  '  GENTLEMEN  :  George  Washington,  the  revered  Father  of  his  Country 
is  dead.  His  long  and  brilliant  career  is  closed,  alas !  forever.  He  was 
greatly  respected  in  this  section  of  the  country,  and  his  untimely  decease 
cast  a  gloom  over  the  whole  community.  He  died  on  the  14th  day  of  Dec 
ember,  1799.  He  passed  peacefully  away  from  the  scene  of  his  honours  and 
his  great  achievements,  the  most  lamented  hero  and  the  best  beloved  that 
ever  earth  hath  yielded  unto  Death.  At  such  a  time  as  this,  you  speak  of 
water-lots  ! — what  a  lot  was  his ! 

'"What  is  fame?  Fame  is  an  accident.  Sir  Isaac  Newton  discovered 
an  apple  falling  to  the  ground — a  trivial  discovery,  truly,  and  one  which  a 
milKon  men  had  made  before  him — but  his  parents  were  influential,  and  so 
they  tortured  that  small  circumstance  into  something  wonderful,  and,  lo ! 
the  simple  world  took  up  the  shout  and,  in  almost  the  twinkling  of  an  eye, 
the  man  was  famous.  Treasure  these  thoughts. 

"  'Poesy,  sweet  poesy,  who  shall  estimate  what  the  world  owes  to  thee ! 

"  Mary  had  a  little  lamb,  its  fleece  was  white  as  snow, 
And  everywhere  that  Mary  went  the  lamb  was  sure  to  go." 

"  Jack  and  Gill  went  up  the  hill 

To  draw  a  pail  of  water  ; 
Jack  fell  down  and  broke  his  crown, 
And  Gill  came  tumbling  after." 

For  simplicity,  elegance  of  diction,  and  freedom  from  immoral  tendencies, 
I  regard  those  two  poems  in  the  light  of  gems.  They  are  suited  to  allgxades 
of  intelligence,  to  every  sphere  of  life  —  to  the  field,  to  the  nursery,  to  the 
guild.  Especially  should  no  Board  of  Aldermen  be  without  them. 

"'  Venerable  fossils  !  write  again.      Nothing  improves  one  so  much  as 
friendly  correspondence.     Write  again — and  if  there  is  anything  in  this  me 
morial  of  yours  that  refers  to  anything  in  particular,  do  not  be  backward 
about  explaining  it.     We  shall  always  be  hai.^y  to  hear  you  chirp. 
"'Very  truly,  etc. 

"  '  MARK  TWAIN, 
'"For  James  W.  N**f  U.  S.  Senator. 


MY  LATE  SENATORIAL  SECRETARYSHIP.      1G9 

"  That  is  an  atrocious,  a  ruinous  epistle  !  Distraction  !" 
"  Wei],  sir,  I  am  really  sorry  if  there  is  anything  wrong 
about  it — but — but  it  appears  to  me  to  dodge  the  water- 
lot  question." 

"  Dodge  the  mischief !  Oh  !  —  but  never  mind.  As 
long  as  destruction  must  come  now,  let  it  be  complete. 
Let  it  be  complete — let  this  last  of  your  performances, 
which  I  am  about  to  read,  make  a  finality  of  it.  I  am  a 
ruined  man.  I  had  my  misgivings  when  I  gave  you  the 
letter  from  Humboldt,  asking  that  the  post  route  from 
Indian  Gulch  to  Shakespeare  Gap  and  intermediate  points, 
be  changed  partly  to  the  old  Mormon  trail.  But  I  told 
you  it  was  a  delicate  question,  and  warned  you  to  deal 
with  it  deftly — to  answer  it  dubiously,  and  leave  them  a 
little  in  the  dark.  And  your  fatal  imbecility  impelled 
you  to  make  this  disastrous  reply.  I  should  think  you 
would  stop  your  ears,  if  you  are  not  dead  to  all  shame  : 

WASHINGTON,  Nov.  00. 
"'Messrs.  Perkins,  Wagner,  et  at. 

'"GENTLEMEN:  It  is  a  delicate  question  about  this  Indian  trail,  but, 
handled  with  proper  deftness  and  dubiousness,  I  doubt  not  we  shall  succeed 
in  some  measure  or  otherwise,  because  this  place  where  the  route  leaves  the 
Lassen  Meadows,  over  beyond  where  those  two  Shawnee  chiefs,  Dilapidated- 
Vengeance  and  Biter-of-the-Clouds,  were  scalped  last  winter,  this  being  the 
favourite  direction  to  some,  but  others  preferring  something  else  in  conse 
quence  of  things,  the  Mormon  trail  leaving  Mosby's  at  three  in  the  morning, 
and  passing  through  Jawbone  Flat  to  Blucher,  and  then  down  by  Jug- 
Handle,  the  road  passing  to  the  right  of  it,  and  naturally  leaving  it  on  tho 
right,  too,  and  Dawson's  on  the  left  of  the  trail  where  it  passes  to  the  left  of 
said  Dawson's  and  onward  thence  to  Tomahawk,  thus  making  the  route 
cheaper,  easier  of  access  to  all  who  can  get  at  it,  and  compassing  all  the  de 
sirable  objects  so  considered  by  others,  and  therefore,  conferring  the  most 
good  upon  the  greatest  number,  and,  consequently,  I  am  encouraged  to  hope 
Me  shall.  However,  I  shall  be  ready,  and  happy,  to  afford  you  still  further 


170  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

information  npon  the  subject,  from  time  to  time,  as  you  may  desire  it  and 
the  Post-office  Department  be  enabled  to  furnish  it  to  me. 
"'Very  truly,  etc. 

"  'MARK  TWAIN, 
"  'For  James  W.  N**f  U.  S.  Senator.' 

"  There — now  what  do  you  think  of  that  ?" 

"  Well,  I  don't  know,  sir.  It  —  well,  it  appears  to  me 
— to  be  dubious  enough." 

"  Du — leave  the  house !  I  am  a  ruined  man.  Those 
Humboldt  savages  neve*  will  forgive  me  for  tangling 
their  brains  up  with  this  inhuman  letter.  I  have  lost  the 
respect  of  the  Methodist  Church,  the  Board  of  Alder 
men " 

"  Well,  I  haven't  anything  to  say  about  that,  because 
I  may  have  missed  it  a  little  in  their  cases,  but  I  was  too 
many  for  the  Baldwin's  Ranch  people,  General !" 

"  Leave  the  house  !  Leave  it  for  ever  and  for  ever, 
too  !M 

I  regarded  that  as  a  sort  of  covert  intimation  that  my 
services  could  be  dispensed  with,  and  so  I  resigned.  I 
never  will  be  a  private  secretary  to  a  senator  again.  You 
can't  please  that  kind  of  people.  They  don't  know  any 
thing.  They  can't  appreciate  a  party's  efforts. 


RILEY — NEWSPAPER   CORRESPONDENT.  171 


RILEY— NEWSPAPER  CORRESPONDENT. 


ONE  of  the  best  men  in  Washington — or   elsewhere— 
is  RILEY,  correspondent   of  one  of  the  great  Sai 
Francisco  dailies. 

Riley  is  full  of  humour,  and  has  an  unfailing  vein  of 
irony,  which  makes  his  conversation  to  the  last  degree 
entertaining  (as  long  as  the  remarks  are  about  somebody 
else).  But,  notwithstanding  the  possession  of  these  qual 
ities,  which  should  enable  a  man  to  write  a  happy  and  an 
appetizing  letter,  Riley's  newspaper  letters  often  display 
a  more  than  earthly  solemnity,  and  likewise  an  unimagi 
native  devotion  to  petrified  facts,  which  surprise  and  dis 
tress  all  men  who  know  him  in  his  unofficial  character. 
He  explains  this  curious  thing  by  saying  that  his  employ 
ers  sent  him  to  Washington  to  write  facts,  not  fancy,  and 
that  several  times  he  has  come  near  losing  his  situation 
by  inserting  humorous  remarks  which,  not  being  look 
ed  for  at  headquarters,  and  consequently  not  understood, 
were  thought  to  be  dark  and  bloody  speeches  intended  to 
convey  signals  and  warnings  to  murderous  secret  societies, 
or  something  of  that  kind,  and  so  were  scratched  out  with 
a  shiver  and  a  prayer  and  cast  into  the  stove.  Riley  says 
that  sometimes  he  is  so  aiflicted  with  a  yearning  to  write 


172  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

a  sparkling  and  absorbingly  readable  letter,  that  he  sim 
ply  cannot  resist  it,  and  so  he  goes  to  his  den  and  revels 
in  the  delight  of  untrammelled  scribbling  ;  and  then  with 
suffering  such  as  only  a  mother  can  know,  he  destroys  the 
pretty  children  of  his  fancy  and  reduces  his  letter  to  the 
required  dismal  accuracy.  Having  seen  Riley  do  this  very 
thing  more  than  once,  I  know  whereof  I  speak.  Often 
I  have  laughed  with  him  over  a  happy  passage,  and 
grieved  to  see  him  plough  his  pen  through  it.  He 
would  say,  "I  had  to  write  that  or  die;  and  I've  got 
to  scratch  it  out  or  starve.  They  wouldn't  stand  it,  you 
know." 

1  think  Riley  is  about  the  most  entertaining  company 
I  ever  saw,  We  lodged  together  in  many  places  in  Wash 
ington  during  the  winter  of  '67-8,  moving  comfortably 
from  place  to  place,  and  attracting  attention  by  paying 
our  board — a  course  which  cannot  fail  to  make  a  person 
conspicuous  in  Washington.  Riley  would  tell  all  about 
his  trip  to  California  in  the  early  days,  by  way  of  the 
Isthmus  and  the  San  Juan  River ;  and  about  his  baking 
bread  in  San  Francisco  to  gain  a  living,  and  setting  up 
ten-pins,  and  practising  law,  and  opening  oysters,  and 
delivering  lectures,  and  teaching  French,  and  tending 
bar,  and  reporting  for  the  newspapers,  and  keeping  danc 
ing  schools,  and  interpreting  Chinese  in  the  courts — 
which  latter  was  lucrative,  and  Riley  was  doing  hand 
somely  and  laying  up  a  little  money,  when  people  began 
to  find  fault  because  his  translations  were  too  "free,"  a 
thing  for  which  Riley  considered  he  ought  not  to  be  held 


RILEY — NEWSPAPER   CORRESPONDENT.  173 

responsible;  since  he  did  not  know  a  word  of  the  Chinese 
tongue,  and  only  adopted  interpreting  as  a  means  of  gain 
ing  an  honest  livelihood.  Through  the  machinations  of 
enemies  he  was  removed  from  the  position  of  official  in 
terpreter,  and  a  man  put  in  his  place  who  was  familiar 
with  the  Chinese  language,  but  did  not  know  any  Eng 
lish.  And  Riley  used  to  tell  about  publishing  a  news 
paper  up  in  what  is  Alaska  now,  but  was  only  an  iceberg 
then,  with  a  population  composed  of  bears,  walruses, 
Indians,  and  other  animals ;  and  how  the  iceberg  got 
adrift  at  last,  and  left  all  his  paying  subscribers  behind, 
and  as  soon  as  the  commonwealth  floated  out  of  the  jur 
isdiction  of  Russia  the  people  rose  and  threw  off  their 
allegiance  and  ran  up  the  English  flag,  calculating  to  hook 
on  and  become  an  English  colony  as  they  drifted  along 
down  the  British  Possessions ;  but  a  land  breeze  and  a 
crooked  current  carried  them  by,  and  they  ran  up  the 
Stars  and  Stripes  and  steered  for  California,  missed  the 
connection  again  and  swore  allegiance  to  Mexico,  but  it 
wasn't  any  use ;  the  anchors  came  home  every  time,  and 
away  they  went  with  the  north-east  trades  drifting  off 
side-ways  toward  the  Sandwich  Islands,  whereupon  they 
ran  up  the  Cannibal  flag  and  had  a  grand  human  barba- 
cue  in  honour  of  it,  in  which  it  was  noticed  that  the  bet 
ter  a  man  liked  a  friend  the  better  he  enjoyed  him ;  and 
as  soon  as  they  got  fairly  within  the  tropics  the  weather 
got  so  fearfully  hot  that  the  iceberg  began  to  melt,  and  it 
got  so  sloppy  under  foot  that  it  was  almost  impossible  for 
ladies  to  get  about  at  all ;  and  at  last,  just  as  they  came  in 


174  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

sight  of  the  islands,  the  melancholy  remnant  of  the  once 
majestic  iceberg  canted  first  to  one  side  and  then  to  the 
other,  and  then  plunged  under  for  ever,  carrying  the 
national  archives  along  with  it — and  not  only  the  archives 
and  the  populace,  but  some  eligible  town  lots  which  had 
increased  in  value  as  fast  as  they  diminished  in  size 
in  the  tropics,  and  which  Riley  could  have  sold  at  thirty 
cents  a  pound  and  made  himself  rich  if  he  could  have 
kept  the  province  afloat  ten  hours  longer  and  got  her 
into  port. 

Riley  is  very  methodical,  untiringly  accommodating, 
never  forgets  anything  that  is  to  be  attended  to,  is  a  good 
son,  a  staunch  friend,  and  a  permanent  reliable  enemy. 
He  will  put  himself  to  any  amount  of  trouble  to  oblige  a 
body,  and  therefore  always  has  his  hands  full  of  things  to 
be  done  for  the  helpless  and  shiftless.  And  he  knows 
how  to  do  nearly  everything,  too.  He  is  a  man  whose 
native  benevolence  is  a  well-spring  that  never  goes  dry. 
He  stands  always  ready  to  help  whoever  needs  help,  as 
far  as  he  is  able — and  not  simply  with  his  money,  for 
that  is  a  cheap  and  common  charity,  but  with  hand  and 
brain,  and  fatigue  of  limb  and  sacrifice  of  time.  This 
sort  of  men  is  rare. 

Riley  has  a  ready  wit,  a  quickness  and  aptness  at  se 
lecting  and  applying  quotations,  and  a  countenance  that 
is  as  solemn  and  as  blank  as  the  back  side  of  a  tombstone 
when  he  is  delivering  a  particularly  exasperating  joke. 
One  night  a  negro  woman  was  burned  to  death  in  a 
house  next  door  to  us,  and  Riley  said  that  our  landlady 


R1LEY — NEWSPAPER   CORRESPONDENT.  175 

would  be  oppressively  emotional  at  breakfast,  because 
she  generally  made  use  of  such  opportunities  as  offered, 
being  of  a  morbidly  sentimental  turn,  and  so  we  should 
find  it  best  to  let  her  talk  along  and  say  nothing  back- 
it  was  the  only  way  to  keep  her  tears  out  of  the  gravy. 
Biley  said  there  never  was  a  funeral  in  the  neighbourhood 
but  that  the  gravy  was  watery  for  a  week. 

And  sure  enough,  at  breakfast  the  landlady  was  down 
in  the  very  sloughs  of  woe — entirely  broken-hearted. 
Everything  she  looked  at  reminded  her  of  that  poor  old 
negro  woman,  and  so  the  buckwheat  cakes  made  her 
sob,  the  coffee  forced  a  groan,  and  when  the  beef-steak 
came  on  she  fetched  a  wail  that  made  our  hair  rise. 
Then  she  got  to  talking  about  deceased,  and  kept  up  a 
steady  drizzle  till  both  of  us  were  soaked  through  and 
through.  Presently  she  took  a  fresh  breath  and  said, 
with  a  world  of  sobs — 

"  Ah,  to  think  of  it,  only  to  think  of  it ! — the  poor  old 
faithful  creature.  For  she  was  so  faithful.  Would  you 
believe  it,  she  had  been  a  servant  in  that  self -same  house 
and  that  self-same  family  for  twenty-seven  years 
come  Christmas,  and  never  a  cross  word  and  never 
a  lick !  And,  oh,  to  think  she  should  meet  such  a 
death  at  last! — a-sitting  over  the  red  hot  stove  at 
three  o'clock  in  the  morning  and  went  to  sleep 
and  fell  on  it  and  was  actually  roasted  !  Not  just  frizz 
led  up  a  bit,  but  literally  roasted  to  a  crisp !  Poor 
faithful  creature,  how  she  was  cooked  !  I  am  but  a  poor 
woman,  but  even  if  I  have  to  scrimp  to  do  it,  I  will  put 


176  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

up  a  tombstone  over  that  lone  sufferer's  grave — and  Mr. 
Riley  if  you  would  have  the  goodness  to  think  up  a  little 
epitaph  to  put  on  it  which  would  sort  of  describe  the  aw 
ful  way  in  which  she  met  her — 

"  Put  it,  '  Well  done,  good  and  faithful  servant,'  "  said 
r\iley,  and  never  smiled. 


SCIENCE   VS.    LUCK. 


A 


SCIENCE  vs.  LUCK. 


T  that  time,  in  Kentucky,  (said  the  Hon.  Mr.  K- 


the  law  was  very  strict  against  what  is  termed 
"  games  of  chance."  About  a  dozen  of  the  boys  were  de 
tected  playing  "  seven-up  "  or  "  old  sledge  "  for  money, 
and  the  grand  jury  found  a  true  bill  against  them.  Jim 
Sturgis  was  retained  to  defend  them  when  the  case  came 
up,  of  course.  The  more  he  studied  over  the  matter,  and 
looked  into  the  evidence,  the  plainer  it  was  that  he 
must  lose  a  case  at  last — there  was  no  getting  around 
that  painful  fact.  Those  boys  had  certainly  been  betting 
money  on  a  game  of  chance.  Even  public  sympathy  was 
roused  in  behalf  of  Sturgis.  People  said  it  was  a  pity  to 
see  him  mar  his  successful  career  with  a  big  prominent 
case  like  this,  which  must  go  against  him. 

But  after  several  restless  nights  an  inspired  idea  flashed 
upon  Sturgis,  and  he  sprang  out  of  bed  delighted.  He 
thought  he  saw  his  way  through.  The  next  day  he  whis 
pered  around  a  little  among  his  clients  and  a  few  friends, 
and  then  when  the  case  came  up  in  court  he  acknowledged 
the  seven-up  and  the  betting,  and,  as  his  sole  defence,  had 
the  astounding  effrontery  to  put  in  the  plea  that  old  sledge 
was  not  a  game  of  chance  !  There  was  the  broadest  sort 


178  SKETCHES   BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

of  a  smile  all  over  the  faces  of  that  sophisticated  audience. 
The  judge  smiled  with  the  rest.  But  Sturgis  maintained 
a  countenance  whose  earnestness  was  even  severe.  The 
opposite  counsel  tried  to  ridicule  him  out  of  his  position, 
and  did  not  succeed.  The  judge  jested  in  a  ponderous 
judicial  way  about  the  thing,  but  did  not  move  him. 
The  matter  was  becoming  grave.  The  judge  lost  a  little 
of  his  patience,  and  said  the  joke  had  gone  far  enough. 
Jim  Sturgis  said  he  knew  of  no  joke  in  the  matter — his 
clients  could  not  be  punished  for  indulging  in  what  some 
people  chose  to  consider  a  game  of  chance  until  it  was 
proven  that  it  was  a  game  of  chance.  Judge  and  counse] 
said  that  would  be  an  easy  matter,  and  forthwith  called 
Deacons  Job,  Peters,  Burke,  and  Johnson,  and  Dominies 
Wirt  and  Higgles,  to  testify ;  and  they  unanimously  and 
with  strong  feeling  put  down  the  legal  quibble  of  Sturgis 
by  pronouncing  that  old  sledge  was  a  game  of  chance. 

"  What  do  you  call  it  now  ?"  said  the  judge. 

"  I  call  it  a  game  of  science !"  retorted  Sturgis ;  "and 
I'll  prove  it,  too  ! " 

They  saw  his  little  game. 

He  brought  in  a  cloud  of  witnesses,  and  produced  an 
overwhelming  mass  of  testimony,  to  show  that  old  sledge 
was  not  a  game  of  chance  but  a  game  of  science. 

Instead  of  being  the  simplest  case  in  the  world,  it  had 
somehow  turned  out  to  be  an  excessively  knotty  one. 
The  judge  scratched  his  head  over  it  a  while,  and  said 
there  was  no  way  of  coming  to  a  determination,  because 
just  as  many  men  could  be  brought  into  court  who  would 


SCIENCE   VS.   LUCK.  170 

testify  on  one  side  as  could  be  found  to  testify  on  the 
other.  But  he  said  he  was  willing  to  do  the  fair  thing 
by  all  parties,  and  would  act  upon  any  suggestion  Mr. 
Sturgis  would  make  for  the  solution  of  the  difficulty. 

Mr.  Sturgis  was  on  his  feet  in  a  second. 

"  Impanel  a  jury  of  six  of  each,  Luck  versus  Science. 
Give  them  candles  and  a  couple  of  decks  of  cards.  Send 
them  into  a  jury  room,  and  just  abide  by  the  result !  " 

There  was  no  disputing  the  fairness  of  the  proposition. 
The  four  deacons  and  the  two  dominies  were  sworn  in  as 
the  "chance"  jurymen,  and  six  inveterate  old  seven-up 
professors  were  chosen  to  represent  the  "  science  "  side  of 
the  issue.  They  retired  to  the  jury  room. 

In  about  two  hours  Deacon  Peters  sent  into  court  to 
borrow  three  dollars  from  a  friend.  [Sensation.]  In 
about  two  hours  more  Dominie  Miggles  sent  into  court  to 
borrow  a  "  stake  "  from  a  friend.  [Sensation.]  During 
the  next  three  or  four  hours  the  other  dominie  and  the 
other  deacons  sent  into  court  for  small  loans.  And  still 
the  packed  audience  waited,  for  it  was  a  prodigious  oc 
casion  in  Bull's  Corners,  and  one  in  which  every  father 
of  a  family  was  necessarily  interested. 

The  rest  of  the  story  can  be  told  briefly.  About  day 
light  the  jury  came  in,  and  Deacon  Job,  the  foreman,  read 
the  following 

VERDICT. 

We,  the  jury  in  the  case  of  the  Commonwealth  of 
Kentucky  vs.  John  Wheeler  et  al.}  have  carefully  consid- 


180  SKETCHES   BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

ered  the  points  of  the  case,  and  tested  the  merits  of  the 
several  theories  advanced,  and  do  hereby  unanimously 
decide  that  the  game  commonly  known  as  old  sledge  or 
seven-up  is  eminently  a  game  of  science  and  not  of 
chance.  In  demonstration  whereof  it  is  hereby  and  here 
in  stated,  iterated,  reiterated,  set  forth,  and  made  mani 
fest  that,  during  the  entire  night,  the  "  chance  "  men  never 
won  a  game  or  turned  a  jack,  although  both  feats  were 
common  and  frequent  to  the  opposition ;  and  further 
more,  in  support  of  this  our  verdict,  we  call  attention  to 
the  significant  fact  that  the  "  chance  "  men  are  all  busted, 
and  the  "  science  "  men  have  got  the  money.  It  is  the 
deliberate  opinion  of  this  jury,  that  the  "  chance  "  theory 
concerning  seven-up  is  a  pernicious  doctrine,  and  calcula 
ted  to  inflict  untold  suffering  and  pecuniary  loss  upon  any 
community  that  takes  stock  in  it. 

"  That  is  the  way  that  seven-up  came  to  be  set  apart 
and  particularized  in  the  statute-books  of  Kentucky  as 
being  a  game  not  of  chance  but  of  science,  and  therefore 

not  punishable  under  the  law,"  said  Mr.  K .     "  That 

-erdict  is  of  record,  and  holds  good  to  this  day." 


KILLING  OF  JULIUS  C7ESAR  "LOCALIZED."  181 


THE    KILLING    OF    JULIUS    OESAR 
"  LOCALIZED." 

BEING  THE  ONLY  TRUE  AND  RELIABLE  ACCOUNT  EVER 
PUBLISHED  ;  TAKEN  FROM  THE  ROMAN  "  DAILY  EVEN 
ING  FASCES,"  OF  THE  DATE  OF  THAT  TREMENDOUS 
OCCURRENCE. 


"VTOTHING  in  the  world  affords  a  newspaper  reporter  so 
•*-*  much  satisfaction  as  gathering  up  the  details  of  a 
bloody  and  mysterious  murder,  and  writing  them  up  with 
aggravating  circumstantiality.  He  takes  a  living  delight 
in  this  labour  of  love — for  such  it  is  to  him,  especially  if  he 
knows  that  all  the  other  papers  have  gone  to  press,  and 
his  will  be  the  only  one  that  will  contain  the  dreadful 
intelligence.  A  feeling  of  regret  has  often  come  over  me 
that  I  was  not  reporting  in  Rome  when  Caesar  was  killed 
— reporting  on  an  evening  paper,  and  the  only  one  in  the 
city,  and  getting  at  least  twelve  hours  ahead  of  the  mom- 
ing  paper  boys  with  this  most  magnificent  "  item  "  that 
ever  fell  to  the  lot  of  the  craft.  Other  events  have  hap 
pened  as  startling  as  this,  but  none  possessed  so  peculiarly 
all  the  characteristics  of  the  favourite  "item"  of  the  pre 
sent  day,  magnified  into  grandeur  and  sublimity  by  the 


182  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

high  rank,  fame,  and  social  and  political  standing  of  the 
actors  in  it. 

However,  as  I  was  not  permitted  to  report  Caesar's 
assassination  in  the  regular  way,  it  has  at  least  afforded 
me  rare  satisfaction  to  translate  the  following  able  account 
of  it  from  the  original  Latin  of  the  Roman  Daily  Even 
ing  Fasces  of  that  date — second  edition. 

' '  Our  usually  quiet  city  of  Rome  was  thrown  into  a  state  of  wild  excite 
ment  yesterday  by  the  occurrence  of  one  of  those  bloody  affrays  which  sicken 
the  heart  and  fill  the  soul  with  fear,  while  they  inspire  all  thinking  men 
with  forebodings  for  the  future  of  a  city  where  human  life  is  held  so  cheaply, 
and  the  gravest  laws  are  so  openly  set  at  defiance.  As  the  result  of  that  affray, 
it  is  our  painful  duty,  as  public  journalists,  to  record  the  deatli  of  one  of  our 
most  esteemed  citizens — a  man  whose  name  is  known  wherever  this  paper 
circulates,  and  whose  fame  it  has  been  our  pleasure  and  our  privilege  to  ex 
tend,  and  also  to  protect  from  the  tongue  of  slander  and  falsehood,  to  the 
best  of  our  poor  ability.  We  refer  to  Mr.  J.  Cjesar,  the  Emperor-elect. 

"The  facts  of  the  case,  as  nearly  as  our  reporter  could  determine  them  from 
the  conflicting  statements  of  eye-witnesses,  were  about  as  follows  : — The 
affair  was  an  election  row,  of  course.  Nine-tenths  of  the  ghastly  butcheries 
that  disgrace  the  city  now-a-days  grow  out  of  the  bickerings  and  jealoiisies 
and  animosities  engendered  by  these  accursed  elections.  Home  would  be 
the  gainer  by  it  if  her  very  constables  were  elected  to  serve  a  century  ;  for  in 
our  experience  we  have  never  even  been  able  to  choose  a  dog-pelter  without 
celebrating  the  event  with  a  dozen  knock-downs  and  a  general  cramming  of  the 
station-house  with  drunken  vagabonds  over-night.  It  is  said  that  when  the  im 
mense  majority  for  Caesar  at  the  polls  in  the  market  was  declared  the  other  day, 
and  the  crown  was  offered  to  that  gentleman,  even  his  amazing  unselfishness 
in  refusing  it  three  times  was  not  sufficient  to  save  him  from  the  whispered 
insults  of  such  men  as  Casca,  of  the  Tenth  Ward,  and  the  other  hirelings  of 
the  disappointed  candidate,  hailing  mostly  from  the  Eleventh  and  Thirteenth 
and  other  outside  districts,  who  were  overheard  speaking  ironically  and  con 
temptuously  of  Mr.  Csesar's  conduct  upon  that  occasion. 

"We  are  further  informed  that  there  are  many  among  us  who  think  they 
are  j  ustified  in  believing  that  the'assassiriation  of  JuliusCaesar  was  a  put-up  thing 
— a  cut-and-dried  arrangement,  hatched  by  Ma,rcus  Brutus  and  a  lot  of  his 
hired  roughs,  and  carried  out  only  too  faithfully  according  to  the  programme. 
Whether  there  be  good  grounds  for  this  suspicion  or  not,  we  leave  the  people 


KILLING  OF  JULIUS   CAESAR  "  LOCALIZED.'  ISo 

to  judge  for  themselves,  only  asking  that  they  will  read  the  following  ac 
count  of  the  sad  occurrence  carefully  and  dispassionately  before  they  render 
that  judgment. 

"The  Senate  was  already  in  session,  and  Caesar  was  coming  down  street 
towards  the  capitol,  conversing  with  some  personal  friends,  and  followed  as 
usual,  by  a  large  number  of  citizens.  Just  as  he  was  passing  in  front  of 
Demosthenes  and  Thucydides'  drug-store,  he  was  observing  casually  to  a 
gentleman,  who,  our  informant  thinks,  is  a  fortune-teller,  that  the  Ides  of 
March  were  come.  The  reply  was,  'Yes,  they  are  come,  but  not  gone  yet.' 
At  this  moment  Artemidorus  stepped  up  and  passed  the  time  of  day,  and 
asked  Ciesar  to  read  a  schedule  or  a  tract  or  something  of  the  kind,  which 
he  had  brought  for  his  perusal.  M.  Decius  Brutus  also  said  something  about 
an  '  humble  suit '  which  he  wanted  read.  Artemidorus  begged  that  attention 
might  be  paid  to  his  first,  because  it  was  of  personal  consequence  to  Caesar. 
The  latter  replied  that  what  concerned  himself  should  be  read  last,  or  words 
to  that  effect.  Artemidorus  begged  and  beseeched  him  to  read  the  paper  in 
stantly.*  However,  Caesar  shook  him  off,  and  refused  to  read  any  petition 
in  the  street.  He  then  entered  the  capitol  and  the  crowd  followed  him. 

"About  this  time  the  following  conversation  was  overheard,  and  we  con 
sider  that,  taken  in  connection  with  the  events  which  succeeded  it,  it  bears  an 
appalling  significance  :  Mr.  Papilius  Lena  remarked  to  George  W.  Cassius 
(commonly  known  as  the  '  Nobby  Boy  of  the  Third  Ward '),  a  bruiser  in  the 
pay  of  the  Opposition,  that  he  hoped  his  enterprise  to-day  might  thrive  ;  and 
when  Cassius  asked  'What  enter] >rise?'  he  only  closed  his  left  eye  tempor 
arily  and  said  with  simulated  indifference,  '  Fare  you  well, '  and  sauntered 
towards  Caesar.  Marcus  Brutus  who  is  suspected  of  being  the  ringleader  of 
the  band  that  killed  Caesar,  asked  what  it  was  that  Lena  had  said.  Cas 
sius  told  him,  and  added  in  a  low  tone,  '  I  fear  our  purpose  is  discovered.' 

"Brutus  told  his  wretched  accomplice  to  keep  an  eye  on  Lena,  and  a 
moment  after  Cassius  urged  that  lean  and  hungry  vagrant,  Casca  whose  repu 
tation  here  is  none  of  the  best,  to  be  sudden,  for  he  feared  prevention.  He 
then  turned  to  Brutus,  apparently  much  excited,  and  asked  what  should  be 
done,  and  swore  that  either  he  or  Caesar  should  never  turnback — he  would  kill 
himself  first.  At  this  time  Caesar  was  talking  to  some  of  the  back-country 
members  about  the  approaching  fall  elections,  and  paying  little  attention  to 
what  was  going  on  around  him.  Billy  Trebonius  got  into  conversation  witli 
the  people's  friend  and  Caesar's — Mark  Antony — and  under  some  pretence  or 
other  got  him  away,  and  Brutus,  Decius,  Casca,  Cinna,  Metellus  Cimber, 
and  others  of  the  gang  of  infamous  desperadoes  that  infest  Home  at  present, 

*  Mark  that :  it  is  hinted  by  William  Shakespeare,  who  saw  the  beginning  and 
the  end  of  the  unfortunate  affray,  that  this"  schedule"  was  simply  a  note  dis 
covering  to  Caesar  that  a  plot  was  brewing  to  take  his  life. 


SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

closed  around  the  doomed  Caesar.  Then  Metellus  Cimber  knelt  down  and 
begged  that  his  brother  might  be  recalled  from  banishment,  but  Caesar  re 
buked  him  for  his  fawning  conduct,  and  refused  to  grant  his  petition.  Im 
mediately,  at  Cimber's  request,  first  Brutus  and  then  Cassius  begged  for  the 
return  of  the  banished  Publius  ;  but  Csesar  still  refused.  He  said  he  could 
not  be  moved ;  that  he  was  as  fixed  as  the  North  Star,  and  proceeded  to  speak 
in  the  most  complimentary  terms  of  the  firmness  of  that  star,  and  its  steady 
character.  Then  he  said  he  was  like  it,  and  he  believed  he  was  the  only  man 
in  the  country  that  was ;  therefore,  since  he  was  '  constant '  that  Cimber 
should  be  banished,  he  was  also  '  constant '  that  he  should  stay  banished, 
and  he'd  be  hanged  if  he  didn't  keep  him  so ! 

"Instantly  seizing  upon  this  shallow  pretext  for  a  fight,  Casca  sprang  at 
Caesar  and  struck  him  with  a  dirk,  Csesar  grabbing  him  by  the  arm  with  his 
right  hand,  and  launching  a  blow  straight  from  the  shoulder  with  his  left, 
that  sent  the  reptile  bleeding  to  the  earth.  He  then  backed  up  against 
Pompey's  statue,  and  squared  himself  to  receive  his  assailants.  Cassius  and 
Cimber  and  Cinna  rushed  upon  him  with  their  daggers  drawn,  and  the 
former  succeeded  in  inflicting  a  wound  upon  his  body  ;  but  before  he  could 
strike  again,  and  before  either  of  the  others  could  strike  at  all,  Csesar 
stretched  the  three  miscreants  at  his  feet  with  as  many  blows  of  his  power 
ful  fist.  By  this  time  the  Senate  was  in  an  indescribable  uproar ;  the  throng  of 
citizens  in  the  lobbies  had  blockaded  the  doors  in  their  frantic  efforts  to  escape 
from  the  building,  the  sergeant-at-arms  and  his  assistants  were  struggling 
with  the  assassins,  venerable  senators  had  cast  aside  their  encumbering  robes, 
and  were  leaping  over  benches  and  flying  down  the  aisles  in  wild  confusion 
towards  the  shelter  of  the  committee-rooms,  and  a  thousand  voices  were 
shouting  'Po-lice  !  Po-lice !'  in  discordant  tones  that  rose  above  the  frightful 
din  like  shrieking  winds  above  the  roaring  of  the  tempest.  And  amid  it  all, 
great  Caesar  stood  with  his  back  against  the  statue,  like  a  lion  at  bay,  and 
fought  his  assailants,  weaponless  and  hand  to  hand,  with  the  defiant  bearing 
and  the  unwavering  courage  which  he  had  shown  before  on  many  a  bloody 
field.  Billy  Trebonius  and  Caius  Legarius  struck  him  with  their  daggers 
and  fell,  as  their  brother-conspirators  before  them  had  fallen.  But  at  last, 
when  Caesar  saw  his  old  friend  Brutus  step  forward  armed  with  a  murderous 
knife,  it  is  said  he  seemed  utterly  overpowered  with  grief  and  amazement, 
and  dropping  his  invincible  left  arm  by  his  side,  he  hid  his  face  in  the  folds 
of  his  mantle  and  received  the  treacherous  blow  without  an  effort  to  stay 
the  hand  that  gave  it.  He  only  said,  '  Et  tu,  Brute  f  and  fell  lifeless,  on  the 
marble  pavement. 

"  We  learn  that  the  coat  deceased  had  on  when  he  was  killed  was  the 
same  he  wore  in  his  tent  on  the  afternoon  of  the  day  he  overcame  the  Nervii, 
and  that  when  it  was  removed  from  the  corpse  it  was  found  to  be  cut  and 
gashed  in  no  lesa  than  seven  different  places.  There  was  nothing  in  the 


KILLING   OF   JULIUS   OESAR   "  LOCALIZED."  185 

pockets.  It  will  be  exhibited  at  the  coroner's  inquest,  and  will  be  damning 
proof  of  the  fact  of  the  killing.  These  latter  facts  may  be  relied  on,  as  we 
get  them  from  Mark  Antony,  whose  position  enables  him  to  learn  every 
item  of  news  connected  with  the  one  subject  of  absorbing  interest  of 
to-day. 

"LATER. — While  the  coroner  was  summoning  a  jury,  Mark  Antony  and 
other  friends  of  the  late  Caesar  got  hold  of  the  body,  and  lugged  it  off  to  the 
Forum,  and  at  last  accounts  Antony  and  Brutus  were  making  speeches  over 
it  and  raising  such  a  row  among  the  people  that,  as  we  go  to  press,  the  chief 
of  police  is  satisfied  there  is  going  to  be  a  riot,  and  is  taking  measures  ac 
cordingly. 

13 


186  SKETCHES   13Y   MARK   TWAIN. 


MR.  BLOKE'S   ITEM. 


OUR  esteemed  friend,  Mr.  John  William  Bloke,  of  Vir 
ginia  City,  walked  into  the  office  where  we  are  sub 
editor  at  a  late  hour  last  night,  with  an  expression  of 
profound  and  heartfelt  suffering  upon  his  countenance, 
and  sighing  heavily,  laid  the  following  item  reverently 
npon  the  desk,  and  walked  slowly  out  again.  He  paused 
a  moment  at  the  door,  and  seemed  struggling  to  com 
mand  his  feelings  sufficiently  to  enable  him  to  speak,  and 
then,  nodding  his  head  toward  his  manuscript,  ejaculated 
in  a  broken  voice,  "  Friend  of  mine — oh  !  how  sad  ! "  and 
burst  into  tears.  We  were  so  moved  at  his  distress  that 
we  did  not  think  to  call'  him  back  and  endeavour  to  com 
fort  him  until  he  was  gone  and  it  was  too  late.  The 
paper  had  already  gone  to  press,  but  knowing  that  our 
friend  would  consider  the  publication  of  this  item  im 
portant,  and  cherishing  the  hope  that  to  print  it  would 
afford  a  melancholy  satisfaction  to  his  sorrowing  heart, 
we  stopped  the  press  at  once  and  inserted  it  in  our 
columns : — 

DISTRESSING  ACCIDENT. — Last  evening,  about  six  o'clock,  as  Mr.  William 
Schuyler,  an  old  and  respectable  citizen  of  South  Park,  was  leaving  his  resi 
dence  to  go  down  town,  as  has  been  his  usual  custom  for  many  years  with 
!.\e  exception  only  of  a  short  interval  in  the  spring  of  1850,  during  which  he 


MR.  BLOKE'S  ITEM.  187 

was  confined  to  his  bed  by  injuries  received  in  attempting  to  stop  a  run 
away  horse  by  thoughtlessly  placing  himself  directly  in  its  wake  and  throwing 
up  his  hands  and  shouting,  which  if  he  had  done  so  even  a  single  moment 
sooner,  must  inevitably  have  frightened  the  animal  still  more  instead  of 
checking  its  speed,  although  disastrous  enough  to  himself  as  it  was,  and 
rendered  more  melancholy  and  distressing  by  reason  of  the  presence  of  his 
wife's  mother,  who  was  there  and  saw  the  sad  occurrence,  notwithstanding 
it  is  at  least  likely,  though  not  necessarily  so,  that  she  should  be  reconnoi- 
tering  in  another  direction  when  incidents  occur,  not  being  vivacious  and  on 
the  look  out,  as  a  general  thing,  but  even  the  reverse,  as  her  own  mother  is 
said  to  have  stated,  who  is  no  more,  but  died  in  the  full  hope  of  a  glorious 
resiu'rection,  upwards  of  three  years  ago,  aged  eighty-six,  being  a  Christian 
woman  and  without  guile,  as  it  were,  or  property,  in  consequence  of  the 
fire  of  1849,  which  destroyed  every  single  thing  she  had  in  the  world.  But 
such  is  life.  Let  us  all  take  warning  by  this  solemn  occurrence,  and  let 
us  endeavour  so  to  conduct  ourselves  that  when  we  come  to  die  we  can  do  it. 
Let  us  place  our  hands  upon  our  heart,  and  say  with  earnestness  and 
sincerity  that  from  this  day  forth  we  will  beware  of  the  intoxicating 
bowl.  —First  Edition  of  tlie  Californian. 

The  head  editor  has  been  in  here  raising  the  mischief, 
and  tearing  his  hair  and  kicking  the  furniture  about, 
and  abusing  me  like  a  pick-pocket.  He  says  that  every 
time  he  leaves  me  in  charge  of  the  paper  for  half  an 
hour,  I  get  imposed  upon  by  the  first  infant  or  the  first 
idiot  that  comes  along  And  he  says  that  that  distressing 
item  of  Mr,  Bloke's  is  nothing  but  a  lot  of  distressing 
bosh,  and  has  no  point  to  it,  and  no  sense  in  it,  and  no  in 
formation  in  it,  and  that  there  was  no  sort  of  necessity 
for  stopping  the  press  to  publish  it. 

Now  all  this  comes  of  being  good-hearted.  If  I  had 
been  as  unaccommodating  and  unsympathetic  as  some 
people,  I  would  have  told  Mr.  Bloke  that  I  wouldn't  re 
ceive  his  communication  at  such  a  late  hour  ;  but  no,  his 
snuffling  distress  touched  my  heart,  and  I  jumped  at  the 


188  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

chance  of  doing  something  to  modify  his  misery.  ] 
never  read  his  item  to  see  whether  there  was  anything 
wrong  about  it,  but  hastily  wrote  th  e  few  lines  which 
preceded  it,  and  sent  it  to  the  printers.  And  what  has 
my  kindness  done  for  me  ?  It  has  done  nothing  but 
bring  down  upon  me  a  storm  of  abuse  and  ornamental 
blasphemy. 

Now  I  will  read  that  item  myself,  and  see  if  there  is  any 
foundation  for  all  this  fuss.  And  if  there  is,  the  author 

of  it  shall  hear  from  me. 

********* 

I  have  read  it,  and  I  am  bound  to  admit  that  it  seems 
a  little  mixed  at  a  first  glance.  However,  I  will  peruse 

it  once  more. 

********* 

I  have  read  it  again,  and  it  does  really  seem  a  good  deal 

more  mixed  than  ever. 

********* 

I  have  read  it  over  five  times,  but  if  I  can  get  at  the 
meaning  of  it,  I  wish  I  may  get  my  just  deserts.  It 
won't  bear  analysis.  There  are  things  about  it  which  I 
cannot  understand  at  all.  It  don't  say  whatever  became 
of  William  Schuyler.  It  just  says  enough  about  him  to 
get  one  interested  in' his  career,  and  then  drops  him.  Who 
is  William  Schuyler,  anyhow,  and  what  part  of  South 
Park  did  he  live  in,  and  if  he  started  down  town  at  six 
o'clock,  did  he  ever  get  there,  and  if  he  did,  did  anything 
happen  to  him  ?  Is  he  the  individual  that  met  with  the 
'  distressing  accident  ?"  Considering  the  elaborate  cir- 


MR.  BLOKE'S  ITEM.  189 

cumstantiality  of  detail  observable  in  the  item,  it  seems 
to  me  that  it  ought  to  contain  more  information  than  it 
does.     On  the  contrary,  it  is  obscure — and  not  only  ob 
scure,  but  utterly  incomprehensible.     Was  the  breaking 
of  Mr.  Schuyler's  leg,  fifteen  years  ago,  the  "  distressing 
accident "  that  plunged  Mr.  Bloke  into  unspeakable  grief, 
ind  caused  him  to  come  up  here  at  dead  of  night  and  stop 
>ur  press  to  acquaint  the  world  with  the  circumstance  ? 
Or  did  the  "  distressing  accident "  consist  in  the  destruc- 
j'iou  of  Schuyler's  mother-in-law's  property  in  early  times  ? 
Or  did  it   consist   in   the  death  of  that  person  herself 
three  years  ago  ?  (albeit  it  does  not  appear  that  she  died 
by  accident.)     In  a  word,  what  did  that "  distressing  acci 
dent  "   consist   in  ?     What  did  that   drivelling  ass  of  a 
Sclmyler  stand  in  the  ivake  of  a  runaway  horse  for,  with 
his  shouting  and  gesticulating,  as  if  he  wanted  to  stop 
him  ?     And  how  the  mischief  could  he  get  run  over  by 
a  horse  that  had  already  passed  beyond  him  ?     And  what 
are  we  to  take  "  warning  "  by  ?  and  how  is  this  extraordin 
ary  chapter  of  incomprehensibilities  going  to  be  a  "  lesson" 
to  us  ?     And,  above  all,  what  has  the  intoxicating  "  bowl " 
got  to  do  with  it,  anyhow  ?     It  is  not  stated  that  Schuyler 
drank,  or  that  his  wife  drank,  or  that  his  mother-in-law 
drank,  or  that  the  horse  drank — wherefore,  then,  the  refer 
ence  to  the  intoxicating  bowl  ?     It  does  seem  to  me  that 
if  Mr.  Bloke  had  let  the  intoxicating  bowl  alone  himself, 
he  never  would  have  got  into  so  much  trouble  about  this 
exasperating  imaginary  accident.     I  have  read  this  absurd 
item  over  and  over  again,  with  all  its  insinuating  plan  si- 


190  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

bility,  until  my  head  swims  ;  but  I  can  make  neither  head 
nor  tail  of  it.  There  certainly  seems  to  have  been  an  acci 
dent  of  some  kind  or  other,  but  it  is  impossible  to  deter 
mine  what  the  nature  of  it  was,  or  who  was  the  sufferer 
by  it.  I  do  not  like  to  do  it,  but  I  feel  compelled  to  re 
quest  that  the  next  time  anything  happens  to  one  of  Mr. 
Bloke's  friends,  he  will  append  such  explanatory  notes  to 
his  account  of  it  as  will  enable  me  to  find  out  what  sort 
of  an  accident  it  was  and  whom  it  happened  to.  I  had 
rather  all  his  friends  should  die  than  that  I  should  be 
driven  to  the  verge  of  lunacy  again  in  trying  to  cipher 
out  the  meaning  of  another  such  production  as  the  above. 


A  MED 


I^EVAL    ROMANCE.  101 


A  MEDLEVAL  ROMANCE. 


JHAPTER  I. — THE  SECHET  REVEALED. 

IT  was  night.  Stillness  reigned  in  the  grand  old  feudal 
Castle  of  Klugenstein.  The  year  1222  was  drawing 
to  a  close.  Far  away  up  in  the  tallest  of  the  castle's 
towers  a  single  light  glimmered.  A  secret  council  was 
being  held  there.  The  stern  old  lord  of  Klugenstein  sat 
in  a  chair  of  state  meditating.  Prasently  he  said,  with 
a  tender  accent — "  My  daughter  ?" 

A  young  man  of  noble  presence,  clad  from  head  to 
heel  in  knightly  mail,  answered — "  Speak,  father  !" 

"  My  daughter,  the  time  has  come  for  the  revealing  of 
the  mystery  that  hath  puzzled  all  your  young  life. 
Know,  then,  that  it  had  its  birth  in  the  matters  which  I 
shall  now  unfold.  My  brother  Ulrich  is  the  great  Duke 
of  Brandenburgh.  Our  father,  on  his  deathbed,  decreed 
that  if  no  son  were  born  to  Ulrich  the  succession  should 
pass  to  my  house,  provided  a  son  were  born  to  me.  And 
further,  in  case  no  son  were  born  to  either,  but  only 
daughters,  then  the  succession  should  pass  to  Ulrich 's 
daughter  if  she  proved  stainless;  if  she  did  not,  my 
daughter  should  succeed  if  she-  retained  a  blameless  name 


192  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

And  so  I  and  my  old  wife  here  prayed  fervently  for  the 
good  boon  of  a  son,  but  the  prayer  was  vain.  You  were 
born  to  us.  I  was  in  despair.  I  saw  the  mighty  prize 
slipping  from  my  grasp — the  splendid  dream  vanishing 
away !  And  I  had  been  so  hopeful !  Five  years  had 
Ulrich  lived  in  wedlock,  and  yet  his  wife  had  borne  no 
heir  of  either  sex. 

" '  But  hold/  I  said,  '  all  is  not  lost.'  A  saving  scheme 
had  shot  athwart  my  brain.  You  were  born  at  midnight. 
Only  the  leech,  the  nurse,  and  six  waiting- women  knew 
your  sex.  I  hanged  them  every  one  before  an  hour  sped. 
Next  morning  all  the  barony  went  mad  with  rejoicing 
over  the  proclamation  that  a  son  was  born  to  Klugenstein 
— an  heir  to  mighty  Bradenburgh  !  And  well  the  secret 
has  been  kept.  Your  mother's  own  sister  nursed  your 
infancy,  and  from  that  time  forward  we  feared  nothing. 

"  When  you  were  ten  years  old  a  daughter  was  born  to 
Ulrich.  We  grieved,  but  hoped  for  good  results  from 
measles,  or  physicians,  or  other  natural  enemies  of  in 
fancy,  but  were  always  disappointed.  She  lived,  she 
throve — Heaven's  malison  upon  her  !  But  it  is  nothing. 
We  are  safe.  For,  ha!  ha!  have  we  not  a  son?  And  is 
not  our  son  the  future  Duke  ?  Our  well-beloved  Con 
rad,  is  it  not  so  ? — for  woman  of  eight-and-twenty  years 
as  you  are,  my  child,  none  other  name  than  that  hath 
ever  fallen  to  you  ! 

"  Now  it  hath  come  to  pass  that  age  hath  laid  its  hand 
upon  my  brother,  and  he  waxes  feeble.  The  cares  of 
state  do  tax  him  sore,  therefore  he  wills  that  you  shall 


A  MEDLEVAL   KOMANCE.  193 

come  to  him  and  be  already  Duke  in  act,  though  not  yet 
in  name.  Your  servitors  are  ready  —  you  journey  forth 
to-night. 

"  Now  listen  well.  Remember  every  word  I  say.  There 
is  a  law  as  old  as  Germany,  that  if  any  woman  sit  for  a 
single  instant  in  the  great  ducal  chair  before  she  hath  been 
absolutely  crowned  in  presence  of  the  people — SHE  SHALI 
DIE  !  So  heed  my  words.  Pretend  humility.  Pronounce 
your  judgments  from  the  Premier's  chair,  which  stands 
at  the  foot  of  the  throne.  Do  this  until  you  are  crowned 
and  safe.  It  is  not  likely  that  your  sex  will  ever  be  dis 
covered,  but  still  it  is  the  part  of  wisdom  to  make  al] 
things  as  safe  as  may  be  in  this  treacherous  earthly  life.' 

"  O  rny  father !  is  it  for  this  my  life  hath  been  a  lie  • 
Was  it  that  I  might  cheat  my  unoffending  cousin  of  her 
rights  ?  Spare  me,  father,  spare  your  child  ? " 

"  What,  hussy  !  Is  this  my  reward  for  the  august  for 
tune  my  brain  has  wrought  for  thee  ?  By  the  bones  of 
my  father,  this  puling  sentiment  of  thine  but  ill  accords 
with  my  humour.  Betake  theerto  the  Duke  instantly,  and 
beware  how  thou  meddlest  with  my  purpose  ! " 

Let  this  suffice  of  the  conversation.  It  is  enough  for 
us  to  know  that  the  prayers,  the  entreaties,  and  the  tears 
of  the  gentle-natured  girl  availed  nothing.  Neither  they 
nor  anything  could  move  the  stout  old  lord  of  Klugenstein. 
And  so,  at  last,  with  a  heavy  heart,  the  daughter  saw  the 
castle  gates  close  behind  her,  and  found  herself  riding 
away  in  the  darkness  surrounded  by  a  knightly  array  of 
armed  vassals  and  a  brave  following  of  servants. 


10 4  SKETCHES    BY   MARK    TWAIN. 

The  old  baron  sat  silent  for  many  minutes  after  his 
daughter's  departure,  and  then  he  turned  to  his  sad  wife, 
and  said — 

"  Dame,  our  matters  seem  speeding  fairly .  It  is  ful 
three  months  since  I  sent  the  shrewd  and  handsome  Count 
Detzin  on  his  devilish  mission  to  my  brother's  daughter 
Constance.  If  he  fail  we  are  not  wholly  safe,  but  if  he 
do  succeed  no  power  can  bar  our  girl  from  being  Duchess, 
e'en  though  ill  fortune  should  decree  she  never  should  be 
Duke ! " 

"  My  heart  is  full  of  bodings ;  yet  all  may  still  be  well." 

"Tush,  woman!  Leave  the  owls  to  croak.  To  bed 
with  ye,  and  dream  of  Brandenburgh  and  grandeur ! " 

CHAPTER  II. — FESTIVITY  AND  TEARS. 

Six  days  after  the  occurrences  related  in  the  above 
chapter,  the  brillant  capitol  of  the  Duchy  of  Brandenburgh 
was  resplendent  with  military  pageantry,  and  noisy  with 
the  rejoicings  of  loyal  multitudes,  for  Conrad,  the  young 
heir  to  the  crown,  was  come.  The  old  Duke's  heart  was 
full  of  happiness,  for  Conrad's  handsome  person  and 
graceful  bearing  had  won  his  love  at  once.  The  great 
halls  of  the  palace  were  thronged  with  nobles,  who 
welcomed  Conrad  bravely ;  and  so  bright  and  happy  did 
all  things  seem,  that  he  felt  his  fears  and  sorrows 
passing  away,  and  giving  place  to  a  comforting  content 
ment. 

But  in  a  remote  apartment  of  the  palace  a  scene  of  a 
different  nature  was  transpiring.  By  a  window  stood  the 


A   MEDIAEVAL   ROMANCE.  195 

Duke's  only  child,  the  Lady  Constance.  Her  eyes  were 
red  and  swollen,  and  full  of  tears.  She  was  alone.  Pre 
sently  she  fell  to  weeping  anew,  and  said  aloud — 

"  The  villain  Dctzin  is  gone — has  fled  the  dukedom ! 
I  could  not  believe  it  at  first,  but,  alas !  it  is  too  true. 
And  I  loved  him  so.  I  dared  to  love  bim  though  I  knew 
the  Duke  my  father  would  never  let  me  wed  him.  I 
loved  him — but  now  I  hate  him  !  With  all  my  soul  I 
hate  him  !  Oh,  what  is  to  become  of  me  ?  I  am  lost, 
lost,  lost !  I  shall  go  mad !" 

CHAPTER  III. — THE   PLOT  THICKENS. 

A  few  months  drifted  by.  All  men  published  the 
praises  of  the  young  Conrad's  government,  and  extolled 
the  wisdom  of  his  judgments,  the  mercifulness  of  his  sen 
tences,  and  the  modesty  with  which  he  bore  himself  in 
his  great  office.  The  old  Duke  soon  gave  everything  into 
his  hands,  and  sat  apart  and  listened  with  proud  satisfac 
tion  while  his  heir  delivered  the  decrees  of  the  crown 
from  the  seat  of  the  Premier.  It  seemed  plain  that  one 
so  loved  and  praised  and  honoured  of  all  men  as  Conrad 
was  could  not  be  otherwise  than  happy.  But,  strangely 
enough,  he  was  not.  For  he  saw  with  dismay  that  the 
Princess  Constance  had  ^egun  to  love  him  !  The  love  of 
the  rest  of  the  world  was  happy  fortune  for  him,  but 
this  was  freighted  with  danger  !  And  he  saw,  moreover, 
that  the  delighted  Duke  had  discovered  his  daughter's 
passion  likewise,  and  was  already  dreaming  of  a  marriage. 
Every  day  somewhat  of  the  deep  sadness  that  had  been 


196  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

in  the  princess's  face  faded  away ;  every  day  hope  and 
animation  beamed  brighter  from  her  eye ;  and  by  and  by 
even  vagrant  smiles  visited  the  face  that  had  been  so 
troubled. 

Conrad  was  appalled.  He  bitterly  cursed  himself  for 
having  yielded  to  the  instinct  that  had  made  him  seek 
the  companionship  of  one  of  his  own  sex  when  he  was 
new  and  a  stranger  in  the  palace — when  he  was  sorrowful 
and  yearned  for  a  sympathy  such  as  only  women  can  give 
or  feel.  He  now  began  to  avoid  his  cousin.  But  this 
only  made  matters  worse,  for  naturally  enough,  the  more 
he  avoided  her  the  more  she  cast  herself  in  his  way.  He 
marvelled  at  this  at  first,  and  next  it  startled  him.  The 
girl  haunted  him ;  she  hunted  him ;  she  happened  upon 
him  at  all  times  and  in  all  places,  in  the  night  as  well  as 
in  the  day.  She  seemed  singularly  anxious.  There  was 
surely  a  mystery  somewhere. 

This  could  not  go  on  forever.  All  the  world  was  talk 
ing  about  it.  The  Duke  was  beginning  to  look  perplex 
ed.  Poor  Conrad  was  becoming  a  very  ghost  through 
dread  and  dire  distress.  One  day  as  he  was  emerging 
from  a  private  ante  room  attached  to  the  picture  gallery 
Constance  confronted  him,  and  seizing  both  his  hands  in 
hers,  exclaimed — 

"  Oh,  why  do  you  avoid  me  ?  What  have  I  done — 
what  have  I  said,  to  lose  your  kind  opinion  of  me — for 
surely  I  had  it  once  ?  Conrad,  do  not  despise  me,  but 
pity  a  tortured  heart  ?  I  cannot,  cannot  hold  the  words 
unspoken  longer,  lest  they  kill  me — I  LOVE  YOU,  CONRAD  ! 


A  MEDLEY AL   ROMANCE.  197 

There  despise  me  if  you  must,  but  they  would  be  ut 
tered  1" 

Conrad  was  speechless.  Constance  hesitated  a  moment, 
and  then,  misinterpreting  his  silence,  a  wild  gladness 
flamed  in  her  eyes,  and  she  flung  her  arms  about  his 
neck  and  said — 

"  You  relent !  you  relent !  You  can  love  me — you  will 
love  me !  Oh,  say  you  will,  my  own,  my  worshipped 
Conrad!" 

Conrad  groaned  aloud.  A  sickly  pallor  overspread 
his  countenance,  and  he  trembled  like  an  aspen.  Present 
ly,  in  desperation,  he  thrust  the  poor  girl  from  him,  and 
cried — 

"  You  know  not  what  you  ask  !  It  is  forever  and  ever 
impossible !"  And  then  he  fled  like  a  criminal,  and  left 
the  Princess  stupified  with  amazement.  A  minute  after 
ward  she  was  crying  and  sobbing  there,  and  Conrad  was 
crying  and  sobbing  in  his  chamber.  Both  were  in  de 
spair.  Both  saw  ruin  staring  them  in  the  face. 

By  and  by  Constance  rose  slowly  to  her  feet  and 
moved  away,  saying — 

"  To  think  that  he  was  despising,  my  love  at  the  very 
moment  that  I  thought  it  was  melting  his  cruel  heart !  I 
hate  him  !  He  spurned  me — did  this  man — he  spurned 
me  from  him  like  a  dog !" 

CHAPTER    IV. — THE   AWFUL   REVELATION. 

.  Time  passed  on.     A  settled  sadness  rested  once  moro 
upon  the  countenance  of  the  good  Duke's  daughter.     ST>f? 


198  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

and  Conrad  were  seen  together  no  more  now.  The  Du&e 
grieved  at  this.  But  as  the  weeks  wore  away  Conrad's 
colour  came  back  to  his  cheeks,  and  his  old-time  vivacity 
to  his  eye,  and  he  administered  the  government  with  a 
clear  and  steadily  ripening  wisdom. 

Presently  a  strange  whisper  began  to  be  heard  about 
the  palace.  It  grew  louder  ;  it  spread  farther.  The  gos 
sips  of  the  city  got  hold  of  it.  It  swept  the  dukedom. 
And  this  is  what  the  whisper  said — 

"The  Lady  Constance  hath  given  birth  to  a  child  !" 

When  the  lord  of  Klugenstein  heard  it  he  swung  his 
plumed  helmet  thrice  around  his  head  and  shouted — 

"  Long  live  Duke  Conrad ! — for,  lo,  his  crown  is  sure 
from  this  day  forward  !  Detzin  ha,s  done  his  errand  well, 
and  the  good  scoundrel  shall  be  rewarded !" 

And  he  spread  the  tidings  far  and  wide,  and  for  eight- 
and-forty  hours  no  soul  in  all  the  barony  but  did  dance 
and  sing,  carouse  and  illuminate,  to  celebrate  the  great 
event,  and  all  at  proud  and  happy  old  Klugenstein's  ex 
pense. 

CHAPTER  V. — THE   FRIGHTFUL   CATASTROPHE. 

The  trial  was  at  hand.  All  the  great  lords  and  barons 
of  Brandenburg  were  assembled  in  the  Hall  of  Justice 
in  the  ducal  palace.  No  space  was  left  unoccupied 
where  there  was  room  for  a  spectator  to  stand  or  sit. 
Conrad,  clad<  in  purple  and  ermine,  sat  in  the  Premier's 
chair,  and  on  either  side  sat  the  great  judges  of  the  realm. 
The  old  Duke  had  sternly  commanded  that  the  trial  of 


A  MEDLEVAL   ROMANCE.  199 

his  daughter  should  proceed  without  favour,  and  then  had 
taken  to  his  bed  broken-hearted.  His  days  were  num 
bered.  Poor  Conrad  had  begged,  as  for  his  very  life, 
that  he  might  be  spared  the  misery  of  sitting  in  judge 
ment  upon  his  cousin's  crime,  but  it  did  not  avail. 

The  saddest  heart  in  all  that  great  assemblage  was  in 
Conrad's  breast. 

The  gladdest  was  in  his  father's,  for,  unknown  to  his 
daughter  "  Conrad,"  the  old  Baron  Klugenstein  was  come, 
and  was  among  the  crowd  of  nobles  triumphant  in  the 
swelling  fortunes  of  his  house. 

After  the  heralds  had  made  due  proclamation  and  the 
other  preliminaries  had  followed,  the  venerable  Lord 
Chief- Justice  said — "  Prisoner,  stand  forth  !" 

The  unhappy  princess  rose,  and  stood  unveiled  be 
fore  the  vast  multitude.  The  Lord  Chief -Justice  con 
tinued — 

"Most  noble  lady,  before  the  great  judges  of  this 
realm  it  hath  been  charged  and  proven  that  out  of  holy 
wedlock  your  Grace  hath  given  birth  unto  a  child,  and 
by  our  ancient  law  the  penalty  is  death  excepting  in  one 
sole  contingency,  whereof  his  Grace  the  acting  Duke,  our 
good  Lord  Conrad,  will  advertise  you  in  his  solemn  sen 
tence  now  ;  wherefore  give  heed." 

Conrad  stretched  forth  his  reluctant  sceptre,  and  in  the 
self -same  moment  the  womanly  heart  beneath  his  robe 
yearned  pityingly  toward  the  doomed  prisoner,  and  the 
tears  came  into  his  eyes.  He  opened  his  lips  to  speak 
but  the  Lord  Chief -Justice  said  quickly — 


200  SKETCHES   BY   MAR  TV   TWAIN. 

"  Not  there,  your  Grace,  not  there  !  It  is  not  lawful  to 
pronounce  judgment  upon  any  of  the  ducal  line  SAVE  FROM 

THE  DUCAL  THRONE  !" 

A  shudder  went  to  the  heart  of  poor  Conrad,  and  a 
tremor  shook  the  iron  frame  of  his  old  father  likewise. 
CONRAD  HAD  NOT  BEEN  CROWNED — dared  he  profane  the 
throne  ?  He  hesitated  and  turned  pale  with  fear.  But 
it  must  be  done.  Wondering  eyes  were  already  upon 
him.  They  would  be  suspicious  eyes  if  he  hesitated  longer. 
He  ascended  the  throne.  Presently  he  stretched  forth  the 
sceptre  again,  and  said — 

"  Prisoner,  in  the  name  of  our  sovereign  Lord  Ulrich, 
Duke  of  Brandenburgh,  I  proceed  to  the  solemn  duty 
that  hath  devolved  upon  me.  Give  heed  to  my  words. 
By  the  ancient  law  of  the  land,  except  you  produce  the 
partner  of  your  guilt  and  deliver  him  up  to  the  execu 
tioner  you  must  surely  die.  Embrace  this  opportunity- 
save  yourself  while  yet  you  may.  Name  the  father  of 
your  child !" 

A  solemn  hush  fell  upon  the  great  court — a  silence  so 
profound  that  men  could  hear  their  own  hearts  beat. 
Then  the  princess  slowly  turned,  with  eyes  gleaming 
with  hate,  and  pointing  her  finger  straight  at  Conrad 
said — 

"  Thou  art  the  man !" 

An  appalling  conviction  of  his  helpless,  hopeless  peril 
struck  a  chill  to  Conrad's  heart  like  the  chill  of  death  it 
self.  What  power  on  earth  could  save  him  ?  To  disprove 
the  charge  he  must  reveal  that  he  was  a  woman,  and  for 


A   MEDIAEVAL   ROMANCE.  201 

an  uncrowned  woman  to  sit  in  the  dncal  chair  was  death ! 
At  one  and  the  same  moment  he  and  his  grim  old  father 

swooned  and  fell  to  the  ground. 

********* 

The  remainder  of  this  thrilling  and  eventful  story  wil  1 
NOT  be  found  in  this  or  any  other  publication,  either  now 
or  at  any  future  time. 

The  truth  is,  1  have  got  my  hero  (or  heroine)  into  such 
a  particularly  close  place  that  I  do  not  see  how  J  am  ever 
going  to  get  him  (or  her)  out  of  it  again,  and  therefore  I 
will  wash  my  hands  of  the  whole  business,  and  leave  that 
person  to  get  out  the  best  way  that  offers — or  else  stay 
there.  I  thought  it  was  going  to  be  easy  enough  to  straigh 
ten  out  that  little  difficultv,  but  it  looks  different  now. 


202  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 


AFTER-DINNER  SPEECH. 

[AT   A   FOULITH-OF-JULY   GATHERING,   IN   LONDON,   OF 
AMERICANS.] 


MR.  CHAIRMAN  AND  LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN:  I 
thank  you  for  the  compliment  which  has  just  been 
tendered  me,  and  to  show  my  appreciation  of  it  I  will  not 
afflict  you  with  many  words.  It  is  pleasant  to  celebrate 
in  this  peaceful  way,  upon  this  old  mother  soil,  the  anni 
versary  of  an  experiment  which  was  born  of  war  with 
this  same  land  so  long  ago,  and  wrought  out  to  a  success 
ful  issue  by  the  devotion  of  our  ancestors.  It  has  taken 
nearly  a  hundred  years  to  bring  the  English  and  Ameri 
cans  into  kindly  and  mutually,  appreciative  relations,  but 
I  believe  it  has  been  accomplished  at  last.  It  was  a  great 
step  when  the  two  last  misunderstandings  were  settled 
by  arbitration  instead  of  cannon.  It  is  another  great 
step  when  England  adopts  our  sewing  machines  without 
claiming  the  invention — as  usual.  It  was  another  when 
they  imported  one  of  our  sleeping  cars  the  other  day. 
And  it  warmed  my  heart  more  than  I  can  tell,  yesterday, 
when  I  witnessed  the  spectacle  of  an  Englishman  ordering 
an  American  sherry  cobbler  of  his  own  free  will  and  ac- 


AFTETl-DINNER   SPEECH.  203 

cord — and  not  only  that  but  with  a  great  brain  and  a 
level  head  reminding  the  bar-keeper  not  to  forget  the 
strawberries.  With  a  common  origin,  a  common  language, 
a  common  literature,  a  common  religion  and — common 
drinks,  what  is  longer  needful  to  the  cementing  of  the  two 
nations  together  in  a  permanent  bond  of  brotherhood  ? 

This  is  an  age  of  progress,  and  ours  is  a  progressive 
land.  A  great  and  glorious  land,  too — a  land  which  has 
developed  a  Washington,  a  Franklin,  a  Wm.  M.  Tweed,  a 
Longfellow,  a  Motley,  a  Jay  Gould,  a  Samuel  C.  Pomeroy, 
a  recent  Congress  which  has  never  had  its  equal  (in 
some  respects)  and  a  United  States  Army  which  conquered 
sixty  Indians  in  eight  months  by  tiring  them  out — which 
is  much  better  than  uncivilized  slaughter,  God  knows. 
We  have  a  criminal  jury  system  which  is  superior  to  any 
in  the  world ;  arid  its  efficiency  is  only  marred  by  the  diffi 
culty  of  finding  twelve  men  every  day  who  don't  know 
anything  and  can't  read.  And  I  may  observe  that  we  have 
an  insanity  plea  that  would  have  saved  Cain.  I  think  I 
can  say,  and  say  with  pride,  that  we  have  some  legis 
latures  that  bring  higher  prices  than  any  in  the  world. 

I  refer  with  effusion  to  our  railway  system,  which  con 
sents  to  let  us  live,  though  it  might  do  the  opposite,  being 
our  owners.  It  only  destroyed  three  thousand  and  seventy 
lives  last  year  by  collisions,  and  twenty-seven  thousand 
two  hundred  and  sixty  by  running  over  heedless  and  un 
necessary  people  at  crossings.  The  companies  seriously 
regretted  the  killing  of  these  thirty  thousand  people,  and 
went  so  far  as  to  pay  for  -some  of  them — voluntarily,  of 


204  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

course,  for  the  meanest  of  us  would  not  claim  that  we 
possess  a  court  treacherous  enough  to  enforce  a  law 
against  a  railway  company.  But  thank  Heaven  the 
railway  companies  are  generally  disposed  to  do  the  right 
and  kindly  thing  without  compulsion.  I  know  of  an  in 
stance  which  greatly  touched  me  at  the  time.  After  an 
accident  the  company  sent  home  the  remains  of  a  dear 
distant  old  relative  of  mine  in  a  basket,  with  the  remark, 
"  Please  state  what  figure  you  hold  him  at — and  return 
the  basket."  Now  there  couldn't  be  anything  friendlier 
than  that. 

But  I  must  not  stand  here  and  brag  all  night.  How 
ever,  you  won't  mind  a  body  bragging  a  little  about  his 
country  on  the  fourth  of  July.  It  is  a  fair  and  legitimate 
time  to  fly  the  eagle.  I  will  say  only  one  more  word  oi 
brag — and  a  hopeful  one.  It  is  this.  We  have  a  form 
of  government  which  gives  each  man  a  fair  chance  and 
no  favour.  With  us  no  individual  is  born  with  a  right 
to  look  down  upon  his  neighbour  and  hold  him  in  contempt. 
Let  such  of  us  as  are  not  dukes  find  our  consolation  in 
that.  And  we  may  find  hope  for  the  future  in  the  fact 
that  as  unhappy  as  is  the  condition  of  our  political 
morality  to-day,  England  has  risen  up  out  of  a  far  fouler 
since  the  days  when  Charles  I.  ennobled  courtezans  and 
all  political  place  was  a  matter  of  bargain  and  sale.  There 
is  hope  for  us  yet.  * 


*  At  least  the  above  is  the  speech  which  I  was  going  to  make,  but  our 
minister,  Gen.  Schenck,  presided,  and  after  the  blessing,  got  up  and  made 
ft  great  long,  inconceivably  dull  harangue,  and  wound  up  by  sa3'ing  that  inas- 


LIONISING   MUllDEKEliS.  205 


LIONISING  MURDERERS. 


I  HAD  heard  so  much  about  the  celebrated  fortune 
teller  Madame  -  — ,  that  I  weut  to  see  her  yesterday. 
She  has  a  dark  complexion  naturally,  and  this  effect  is 
heightened  by  artificial  aids  which  cost  her  nothing.  She 
wears  curls — very  black  ones,  and  I  had  an  impression 
that  she  gave  their  native  attractiveness  a  lift  with 
rancid  butter.  She  wears  a  reddish  check  handkerchief, 
cast  loosely  around  her  neck,  and  it  was  plain  that  her 
other  one  is  slow  in  getting  back  from  the  wash.  I  pre 
sume  she  takes  snuff.  At  any  rate,  something  resembling 
it  had  lodged  among  the  hairs  sprouting  from  her  upper 
lip.  I  know  she  likes  garlic — I  knew  that  as  soon  as  she 
sighed.  She  looked  at  me  searchingly  for  nearly  a 
minute,  with  her  black  eyes,  and  then  said — 


much  as  speech-making  did  not  seem  to  exhilarate  the  guests  much,  all 
further  oratory  would  be  dispensed  with,  during  the  evening,  and  we  could 
just  sit  and  talk  privately  to  our  elbow-neighbours  and  have  a  good  sociable 
time.  It  is  known  that  in  consequence  of  that  remark  forty-four  perfected 
speeches  died  in  the  womb.  The  depression,  the  gloom,  the  solemnity 
that  reigned  over  the  banquet  from  that  time  forth  will  be  a  lasting  memory 
with  many  that  were  there.  By  that  one  thoughtless  remark  Gen.  Schenck 
lost  forty -four  of  the  best  friends  he  had  in  England.  More  than  one  said 
that  night,  "And  this  is  the  sort  of  person  that  is  sent  to  represent  us  in  a 
tjreat  sister-empire  1" 


206  SKETCHES    JJY    MARK    TWAIN. 

"  It  is  enough.     Come  ! " 

O 

She  started  down  a  very  dark  and  dismal  corridor — I 
stepping  close  after  her.  Presently  she  stopped,  and  said 
that,  as  the  way  was  so  crooked  and  dark,  perhaps  she 
had  better  get  a  light.  But  it  seemed  ungallant  to  allow 
a  woman  to  put  herself  to  so  much  trouble  for  me,  and 
so  I  said — 

"  It  is  not  worth  while,  madam.  If  you  will  heave  an 
other  sigh,  I  think  I  can  follow  it." 

So  we  got  along  all  right.  Arrived  at  her  official  and 
mysterious  den,  she  asked  me  to  tell  her  the  date  of  my 
birth,  the  exact  hour  of  that  occurrence,  and  the  colour 
of  my  grandmother's  hair.  I  answered  as  accurately  as 
I  could.  Then  she  said — 

"  Young  man,  summon  your  fortitude — do  not  tremble. 
I  am  about  to  reveal  the  past." 

"  Information  concerning  the  future  would  be,  in  a 
general  way,  more  "- 

"  Silence  !  You  have  had  much  trouble,  some  joy,  some 
good  fortune,  some  bad.  Your  great-grandfather  was 
hanged." 

"  That  is  a  1—." 

"  Silence  !  Hanged,  sir.  But  it  was  not  his  fault.  He 
could  not  help  it." 

"  I  am  glad  you  do  him  justice." 

"Ah — giieve,  rather,  that  the  jury  did.  He  was 
hanged.  His  star  crosses  yours  in  the  fourth  division, 
fifth  sphere:  Consequently  you  will  be  hanged  also." 

"  In  view  of  this  cheerful " 


LIONISING   MURDERERS.  207 

"  I  must  have  silence.  Yours  was  not,  in  the  beginning, 
a  criminal  nature,  but  circumstances  changed  it.  At  the 
age  of  nine  you  stole  sugar.  At  the  age  of  fifteen  you 
stole  money.  At  twenty  you  stole  horses.  At  t  wenty-five 
you  committed  arson.  At  thirty,  hardened  in  crime,  you 
became  an  editor.  You  are  now  a  public  lecturer. 
Worse  things  are  in  store  for  you.  You  will  be  sent  to 
Congress.  Next,  to  the  penitentiary.  Finally,  happi 
ness  will  come  again — all  will  be  well — you  will  be 
hanged." 

I  was  now  in  tears.  It  seemed  hard  enough  to  go 
to  Congress ;  but  to  be  hanged — this  was  too  sad,  too 
dreadful.  The  woman  seemed  surprised  at  my  grief.  I 
told  her  the  thoughts  that  were  in  my  mind.  Then  she 
comforted  me. 

"Why,  man,"*  she  said,   "hold    up   your   head — you 

*  In  this  paragraph  the  fortune-teller  details  the  exact  history  of  the  Pike- 
Brown  assassination  case  in  New  Hampshire,  from  the  succouring  and  saving 
of  the  stranger  Pike  by  the  Browns,  to  the  subsequent  hanging  and  coffining 
of  that  treacherous  miscreant.  She  adds  nothing,  invents  nothing,  exagger 
ates  nothing  (see  any  New  England  paper  for  November  1869).  This  Pike- 
Brown  case  is  selected  merely  as  a  type,  to  illustrate  a  custom  that  prevails, 
not  in  New  Hampshire  alone,  but  in  every  State  in  the  union — I  mean  the 
sentimental  custom  of  visiting,  petting,  glorifying,  and  snuffling  over  mur 
derers  like  this  Pike,  from  the  day  they  enter  the  jail  under  sentence  of 
death  until  they  swing  from  the  gallows.  The  following  extract  from  the 
Temple  Bar  (I860)  reveals  the  fact  that  this  custom  is  not  confined  to  the 
United  States  : — "  On  December  31st,  1841,  a  man  named  John  Johnes,  a 
shoemaker,  murdered  his  sweetheart,  Mary  Hallam,  the  daughter  of  a  re 
spectable  labourer,  at  Mansfield,  in  the  county  of  Nottingham.  He  was  exe 
cuted  on  March  23,  1842.  He  was  a  man  of  unsteady  habits,  and  gave  way 
to  violent  fits  of  passion.  The  girl  declined  his  addresses,  and  "he  said  if  he 
did  not  have  her  no  one  else  should.  After  he  had  inflicted  the  first  wound, 
which  was  not  immediately  fatal,  she  begged  for  her  life,  but  seeing  him 


208  SKETCHES    BY    MARK   TWAIN. 

have  nothing  to  grieve  about.  Listen.  You  will  live  in 
New  Hampshire.  In  your  sharp  need  and  distress  the 
Brown  family  will  succour  you — such  of  them  as  Pike  the 
assassin  left  alive.  They  will  be  benefactors  to  you. 
When  you  shall  have  grown  fat  upon  their  bounty,  and 
are  grateful  and  happy,  you  will  desire  to  make  some 
modest  return  for  these  things,  and  so  you  will  go 
to  the  house  some  night  and  brain  the  whole  family  with 
an  axe.  You  will  rob  the  dead  bodies  of  your  benefac 
tors,  and  disburse  your  gains  in  riotous  living  among  the 
rowdies  and  courtesans  of  Boston.  Then  you  will  be  ar 
rested,  tried,  condemned  to  be  hanged,  thrown  into  pri 
son.  Now  is  your  happy  day.  You  will  be  converted — 
you  will  be  converted  just  as  soon  as  every  effort  to  com 
pass  pardon,  commutation,  or  reprieve  has  failed — and 
then  i  Why  then,  every  morning  and  every  afternoon, 
the  best  and  purest  young  ladies  of  the  village 
will  assemble  in  your  cell  and  sing  hymns.  This  will 
show  that  assassination  is  respectable.  Then  you  will 
write  a  touching  letter,  in  which  you  will  forgive  all  those 


resolved,  asked  for  time  to  pray  He  said  that  he  would  pray  for  both,  and 
completed  the  crime  The  wounds  were  inflicted  by  a  shoemaker's  knife, 
and  her  throat  was  cut  barbarously  After  this  he  dropped  on  his  knees  some 
time,  and  prayed  God  to  have  mercy  on  two  unfortunate  lovers.  He  made 
no  attempt  to  escape,  and  confessed  the  crime.  After  his  imprisonment  he 
behaved  in  the  most  decorous  manner ;  he  won  upon  the  good  opinion  of  the 
jail  chaplain,  and  he  was  visited  by  the  Bishop  of  Lincoln.  It  does  not  ap 
pear  that  he  expressed  any  contrition  for  the  crime,  but  seemed  to  pass 
away  with  triumphant  certainty  that  he  was  going  to  rejoin  his  victim  in 
heaven.  He  was  visited  by  some  pious  and  benevolent  ladies  of  Nottingham, 
some  of  whom  declared  he  was  a  child  of  God,  if  ever  there  was  one.  One  of  the 
ladie*  s&d  him  a  white  camdia  to  wear  at  his  execution." 


LIONISING   MURDERERS.  SOU 

recent  Browns.  This  will  excite  the  public  admiration. 
No  public  can  withstand  magnanimity.  Next,  they  will 
take  you  to  the  scaffold,  with  great  eclat,  at  the  head  of 
an  imposing  procession  composed  of  clergymen,  officials, 
citizens  generally,  and  young  ladies  walking  pensively 
two  and  two,  and  bearing  bouquets  and  immortelles.  You 
will  mount  the  scaffold,  and  while  the  great  concourse 
stand  uncovered  in  your  presence,  you  will  read  your 
sappy  little  speech  which  the  minister  has  written  for  you. 
And  then,  in  the  midst  of  a  grand  and  impressive  silence, 

they  will  swing  you  into  per Paradise,  my  son.  There 

will  not  be  a  dry  eye  on  the  ground.  You  will  be  a  hero  \ 
Not  a  rough  there  but  will  envy  you.  Not  a  rough  there 
but  will  resolve  to  emulate  you.  And  next,  a  great  pro- 
cession  will  follow  you  to  the  tomb — will  weep  over  your 
remains — the  young  ladies  will  sing  again  the  hymius 
made  dear  by  sweet  associations  connected  with  the  jail, 
and,  as  a  last  tribute  of  affection,  respect,  and  appreciation 
of  your  many  sterling  qualities,  they  will  walk  two  and 
two  around  your  bier,  and  strew  wreaths  of  flowers  on  it. 
And  lo !  you  are  canonized.  Think  of  it,  son — ing-rate, 
assassin,  robber  of  the  dead,  drunken  brawler  among 
thieves  and  harlots  in  the  slums  of  Boston  une  month, 
and  the  pet  of  the  pure  and  innocent  daughters  of  the 
land  the  next !  A  bloody  and  hateful  devil — a  br;wopt, 
bewailed,  and  sainted  martyr — all  in  a  month  !  Fool  I — 
so  noble  a  fortune,  and  yet  you  sit  here  grieving." 

"  No  madame,"  I  said,  "  you  do  me  wrong,  you  do  in 
deed.     I  am  perfectly  satisfied.     I  did  not  know  bef on; 


210  SKETCHES  BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

that  my  great-grandfather  was  hanged,  but  it  is  of  no 
consequence.  He  has  probably  ceased  to  bother  about  it 
by  this  time — and  I  have  not  commenced  yet.  I  con 
fess,  madame,  that  I  do  something  in  the  way  of  editing 
and  lecturing,  but  the  other  crimes  you  mentioned  have 
escaped  my  memory.  Yet  I  must  have  committed  them, 
— you  would  not  deceive  a  stranger.  But  let  the  past  be 
as  it  was,  and  let  the  future  be  as  it  may — these  are 
nothing.  I  have  only  cared  for  one  thing.  I  have  al 
ways  felt  that  I  should  be  hanged  some  day,  and  some 
how  the  thought  has  annoyed  me  considerably ;  but  if 
you  can  only  assure  me  that  I  shall  be  hanged  in  New 
Hampshire  "- 

"  Not  a  shadow  of  doubt !" 

"  Bless  you,  my  benefactress  ! — excuse  this  embrace— 
you  have  removed  a  great  load  from  my  breast.  To  be 
hanged  in  New  Hampshire  is  happiness — it  leaves  an 
honoured  name  behind  a  man,  and  introduces  him  at  once 
into  the  best  New  Hampshire  society  in  the  other  world." 

I  then  took  leave  of  the  fortune-teller.  But,  seriously, 
is  it  well  to  glorify  a  murderous  villain  on  the  scaffold,  as 
Pike  was  glorified  in  New  Hampshire  ?  Is  it  well  to  turn 
the  penalty  for  a  bloody  crime  into  a  reward  ?  Is  it  just 
to  do  it  ?  Is  it  sate  ? 


A  NEW  CRIME.  211 


A  NEW  CRIME. 

LEGISLATION     NEEDED. 


THIS  country,  during  the  last  thirty  or  forty  years, 
has  produced  some  of  the  most  remarkable  cases  of 
insanity  of  which  there  is  any  mention  in  history.  For 
instance,  there  was  the  Baldwin  case,  in  Ohio,  twenty -two 
years  ago.  Baldwin,  from  his  boyhood  up,  had  been  of  a 
vindictive,  malignant,  quarrelsome  nature.  He  put  a 
boy's  eye  out  once,  and  never  was  heard  upon  any  occa 
sion  to  utter  a  regret  for  it.  He  did  many  such  things. 
But  at  last  he  did  something  that  was  serious.  He  called 
at  a  house  just  after  dark,  one  evening,  knocked,  and 
when  the  occupant  came  to  the  door,  shot  him  dead,  and 
then  tried  to  escape,  but  was  captured.  Two  days  before, 
he  had  wantonly  insulted  a  helpless  cripple,  and  the  man 
he  afterward  took  swift  vengeance  upon  with  an  assassin 
bullet  had  knocked  him  down.  Such  was  the  Baldwin 
case.  The  trial  was  long  and  exciting :  the  community 
was  fearfully  wrought  up.  Men  said  this  spiteful,  bad- 
hearted  villain  had  caused  grief  enough  in  his  time,  and 
now  he  should  satisfy  the  law.  But  they  were  mistaken  ; 
Baldwin  was  insane  when  he  did  the  deed  —  they  had 


212  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

not  thought  of  that.  By  the  arguments  of  counsel  it  was 
shown  that  at  half -past  ten  in  the  morning  on  the  day  of 
the  murder,  Baldwin  became  insane,  and  remained  so  for 
eleven  hours  and  a  half  exactly.  This  just  covered  the 
case  comfortably,  and  he  was  acquitted.  Thus,  if  an  un 
thinking  and  excited  community  had  been  listened  to  in 
stead  of  the  arguments  of  counsel,  a  poor  crazy  creature 
would  have  been  held  to  a  fearful  responsibility  for  a 
mere  freak  of  madness.  Baldwin  went  clear,  and  although 
his  relatives  and  friends  were  naturally  incensed  against 
the  community  for  their  injurious  suspicions  and  remarks, 
they  said  let  it  go  for  this  time  and  did  not  prosecute. 
The  Baldwins  were  very  wealthy.  This  same  Baldwin 
had  momentary  fits  of  insanity  twice  afterward,  and  on 
both  occasions  killed  people  he  had  grudges  against. 
And  on  both  these  occasions  the  circumstances  of  the 
killing  were  so  aggravated,  and  the  murders  so  seemingly 
heartless  and  treacherous,  that  if  Baldwin  had  not  been 
insane  he  would  have  been  hanged  without  the  shadow 
of  a  doubt.  As  it  was,  it  required  all  his  political  and 
family  influence  to  get  him  clear  in  one  of  the  cases,  and 
cost  him  no  less  than  $10,000  to  get  clear  in  the  other. 
One  of  these  men  he  had  notoriously  been  threatening  to 
kill  for  twelve  years.  The  poor  creature  happened,  by 
tae  merest  piece  of  ill  fortune,  to  come  along  a  dark  alley 
at  the  very  moment  that  Baldwin's  insanity  came  upon 
him,  and  so  he  was  shot  in  the  back  with  a  gun  loaded 
with  slugs. 

Take  the  case   of  Lynch    Hackett,  of  Pennsylvania, 


A  NEW  CRIME.  213 

Twice,  in  public,  he  attacked  a  German  butcher  by  the 
name  of  Bemis  Feldner,  with  a  cane,  and  both  times 
Feldner  whipped  him  with  his  fists.  Hackett  was  a  vain, 
wealthy,  violent  gentleman,  who  held  his  blood  and 
family  in  high  esteem,  and  believed  that  a  reverent  re 
spect  was  due  to  his  great  riches.  He  brooded  over  the 
shame  of  his  chastisement  for  two  weeks,  and  then,  in  a 
momentary  fit  of  insanity,  armed  himself  to  the  teeth, 
rode  into  town,  waited  a  couple  of  hours  until  he  sa\v 
Feldner  coming  down  the  street  with  his  wife  on  his 
arm,  and  then,  as  the  couple  passed  the  doorway  in 
which  he  had  partially  concealed  himself,  he  drove  a 
knife  into  Feldner's  neck,  killing  him  instantly.  The 
widow  caught  the  limp  form  and  eased  it  to  the  earth. 
Both  were  drenched  with  blood.  Hackett  jocosely  re 
marked  to  her  that  as  a  professional  butcher's  recent  wife 
she  could  appreciate  the  artistic  neatness  of  the  job  that 
left  her  in  a  condition  to  marry  again,  in  case  she  wanted 
to.  This  remark,  and  another  which  he  made  to  a  friend, 
that  his  position  in  society  made  the  killing  of  an  obscure 
citizen  simply  an  "  eccentricity  "  instead  of  a  crime,  were 
shown  to  be  evidences  of  insanity,  and  so  Hackett  escaped 
punishment.  The  jury  were  hardly  inclined  to  accept 
these  as  proofs,  at  first,  inasmuch  as  the  prisoner  had 
never  been  insane  before  the  murder,  and  under  the  tran- 
quilizing  effect  of  the  butchering  had  immediately  re 
gained  his  right  mind  ;  but  when  the  defence  came  to 
show  that  a  third  cousin  of  Hackctt'.s  wife's  stepfather 
was  insane,  and  not  only  insane,  but  had  a  nose  the  very 


214  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

counterpart  of  Hackett's,  it  was  plain  that  insanity  was 
hereditary  in  the  family,  and  Hackett  had  come  by  it  by 
legitimate  inheritance.  Of  course  the  jury  then  acquitted 
him.  But  it  was  a  merciful  providence  that  Mrs.  H/s 
people  had  been  afflicted  as  shown,  else  Hackett  would 
certainly  have  been  hanged. 

However,  it  is  not  possible  to  recount  all  the  marvel 
lous  cases  of  insanity  that  have  come  under  the  public 
notice  in  the  last  thirty  or  forty  years.  There  was  the 
Durgin  case  in  New  Jersey,  three  years  ago.  The  servant 
girl,  Bridget  Durgin,  at  dead  of  night,  invaded  her  mis 
tress'  bedroom  and  carved  the  lady  literally  to  pieces  with 
a  knife.  Then  she  dragged  the  body  to  the  middle  of 
the  floor,  and  beat  and  banged  it  with  chairs  and  such 
things.  Next  she  opened  the  feather  beds,  and  strewed 
the  contents  around,  saturated  everything  with  kerosene, 
and  set  fire  to  the  general  wreck.  She  now  took  up  the 
child  of  the  murdered  woman  in  her  blood-smeared  hands, 
and  walked  off,  through  the  snow,  with  no  shoes  on,  to  a 
neighbour's  house  a  quarter  of  a  mile  off,  and  told  a 
string  of  wild,  incoherent  stories  about  some  men  coming 
and  setting  fire  to  the  house  ;  and  then  she  cried  piteous- 
ly,  and,  without  seeming  to  think  there  was  any  thing- 
suggestive  about  the  blood  upon  her  hands,  her  clothing, 
and  the  baby,  volunteered  the  remark  that  she  was  afraid 
those  men  had  murdered  her  mistress  !  Afterward,  by 
her  own  confession  and  other  testimony.,  it  was  proved 
that  the  mistress  had  always  been  kind  to  the  girl,  con 
sequently  there  was  no  revenge  in  the  murder  ;  and  it 


A  NEW  CRIME.  215 

was  also  shown  that  the  girl  took  nothing  away  from  the 
burning  house,  not  even  her  own  shoes,  and  consequently 
robbery  was  not  the  motive.  Now,  the  reader  says, 
"  Here  comes  that  same  old  plea  of  insanity  again."  But 
the  reader  has  deceived  himself  this  time.  No  such  plea 
was  offered  in  her  defence.  The  judge  sentenced  her, 
nobody  persecuted  the  Governor  with  petitions  for  her 
pardon  and  she  was  promptly  hanged. 

There  was  that  youth  in  Pennsylvania,  whose  curious 
confession  was  published  some  years  ago.  It  was  simply 
a  conglomeration  of  incoherent  drivel  from  beginning  to 
end,  and  so  with  his  lengthy  speech  on  the  scaffold  after 
ward.  For  a  whole  year  he  was  haunted  with  a  desire  to 
disfigure  a  certain  young  woman,  so  that  no  one  would 
marry  her.  -He  did  not  love  her  himself,  and  did  not 
want  to  marry  her,  but  he  did  not  want  anybody  else  to 
do  it.  He  would  not  go  anywhere  with  her,  and  yet  was 
opposed  to  anybody  else's  escorting  her.  Upon  one  oc 
casion  he  declined  to  go  to  a  wedding  with  her,  and  when 
she  got  other  company,  lay  in  wait  for  the  couple  by  the 
road,  intending  to  make  them  go  back  or  kill  the  escort. 
After  spending  sleepless  nights  over  his  ruling  desire  for 
a  full  year,  he  at  last  attempted  its  execution — that  is, 
attempted  to  disfigure  the  young  woman.  It  was  a  suc 
cess.  It  was  permanent.  In  trying  to  shoot  her  cheek 
(as  she  sat  at  the  supper  table  with  her  parents  and 
brothers  and  sisters)  in  such  a  manner  as  to  mar  its 
comeliness,  one  of  his  bullets  wandered  a  little  out  of  its 
course,  and  she  dropped  dead.  To  the  very  last  moment 


210  SKETCHES   BY    MARK    TWAIN. 

of  his  life  he  bewailed  the  ill  luck  that  made  her  move 
her  face  just  at  the  critical  moment.  And  so  he  died, 
apparently  about  half  persuaded  that  somehow  it  was 
chieliy  her  own  fault  that  she  got  killed.  This  idiot  was 
hanged.  The  plea  of  insanity  was  not  offered. 

Insanity  certainly  is  on  the  increase  in  the  world,  and 
crime  is  dying  out.  There  are  no  longer  any  murders — 
none  worth  mentioning,  at  any  rate.  Formerly,  if  you 
killed  a  man,  it  was  possible  that  you  were  insane — but 
now,  if  you,  having  friends  and  money,  kill  a  man,  it  is 
evidence  that  you  are  a  lunatic.  In  these  days,  too,  if  a 
person  of  good  family  and  high  social  standing  steals 
anything,  they  call  it  kleptomania,  and  send  him  to  the 
lunatic  asylum.  If  a  person  of  high  standing  squanders 
his  fortune  in  dissipation,  and  closes  his  career  with 
strychnine  or  a  bullet,  "  Temporary  Aberration  "  is  what 
was  the  trouble  with  hi/ni. 

Is  not  this  insanity  plea  becoming  rather  common  ?  Is 
it  not  so  common  that  the  reader  confidently  expects  to 
see  it  offered  in  every  criminal  case  that  comes  before  the 
courts  ?  And  is  it  not  so  cheap,  and  so  common,  and 
often  so  trivial,  that  the  reader  smiles  in  derision  when 
the  newspaper  mentions  it  ?  And  is  it  not  curious  to 
note  how  very  often  it  wins  acquittal  for  the  prisoner  ? 
Of  late  years  it  does  not  seem  possible  for  a  man  to  so 
conduct  himself,  before  killing  another  man,  as  not  to  be 
manifestly  insane.  If  he  talks  about  the  stars,  he  is 
insane.  If  he  appears  nervous  and  uneasy  an  hour  be 
fore  the  killing,  he  is  insane.  If  he  weeps  over  a  great 


A  NEW  CRIME.  217 

grief,  his  friends  shake  their  heads,  and  fear  that  he  is 
"  not  right."  If,  an  hour  after  the  murder,  he  seems  ill 
at  ease,  pre-occupied  and  excited,  he  is  unquestionably 
insane. 

Really,  what  we  want  now,  is  not  laws  against  crime, 
but  a  law  against  insanity  There  is  where  thp.  true 
evil  IIP? 


218  SKETCHES   BY   MAKK   TWAIN. 


A  CURIOUS^DREAM. 

CONTAINING  A  MORAL. 


NIGHT  before  last  I  had  a  singular  dream.  I  seemed 
to  be  sitting  on  a  door-step  (in  no  particular  city 
perhaps),  ruminating,  and  the  time  of  night  appeared  to 
be  about  twelve  or  one  o'clock.  The  weather  was  balmy 
and  delicious.  There  was  no  human  sound  in  the  air, 
not  even  a  footstep.  There  was  no  sound  of  any  kind  to 
emphasize  the  dead  stillness,  except  the  occasional  hollow 
barking  of  a  dog  in  the  distance  and  the  fainter  answer 
of  a  further  dog.  Presently  up  the  street  1  heard  a 
bony  clack-clacking,  and  guessed  it  was  the  castanets  of 
a  serenading  party.  In  a  minute  more  a  tall  skeleton, 
hooded,  and  half  clad  in  a  tattered  and  mouldy  shroud, 
whose  shreds  were  napping  about  the  ribby  lattice- work 
of  its  person,  swung  by  me  with  a  stately  stride,  and  dis 
appeared  in  the  grey  gloom  of  the  starlight.  It  had  a 
broken  and  worm-eaten  coffin  on  its  shoulder  and  a  bun 
dle  of  something  in  its  hand.  I  knew  what  the  clack- 
clacking  was  then  ;  it  was  this  party's  joints  working  to 
gether,  and  his  elbows  knocking  against  his  sides  as  he 
walked.  I  may  say  I  was  surprised.  Before  I  could 
collect  my  thoughts  and  enter  upon  any  speculations  as 


A   CUEIOUS  DREAM.  219 

to  what  this  apparition  might  portend,  I  heard  another 
one  coming — for  I  recognized  his  clack-clack.  He  had 
two-thirds  of  a  coffin  on  his  shoulder,  and  some  foot  and 
head-boards  under  his  arm.  I  mightily  wanted  to  peer 
under  his  hood  and  speak  to  him,  but  when  he  turned 
and  smiled  upon  me  with  his  cavernous  sockets  and  his 
projecting  grin  as  he  went  by,  I  thought  I  would  not  detain 
him.  He  was  hardly  gone  when  I  heard  the  clacking  again, 
and  another  one  issued  from  the  shadowy  half-light.  This 
one  was  bending  under  a  heavy  gravestone,  and  dragging 
a  shabby  coffin  after  him  by  a  string.  When  he  got  to 
me  he  gave  me  a  steady  look  for  a  moment  or  two,  and 
then  rounded  to  and  backed  up  to  me,  saying : 

"  Ease  this  down  for  a  fellow,  will  you  ?" 

I  eased  the  gravestone  down  till  it  rested  on  the  ground, 
and  in  doing  so  noticed  that  it  bore  the  name  of  "  John 
Baxter  Copmanhurst,"  with  "  May  1839,"  as  the  date  of 
his  death.  Deceased  sat  wearily  down  by  me,  and  wiped 
his  os  frontis  with  his  major  maxillary — chiefly  from 
former  habit  I  judged,  for  I  could  not  see  that  he  brought 
away  any  perspiration. 

"  It  is  too  bad,  too  bad,"  said  he,  drawing  the  remnant 
of  the  shroud  about  him  and  leaning  his  jaw  pensively 
on  his  hand.  Then  he  put  his  left  foot  upon  his  knee 
and  fell  to  scratching  his  ankle  bone  absently  with  a 
rusty  nail  which  he  got  out  of  his  coffin. 

"  What  is  too  bad,  friend  ?" 

•'  Oh,  everything,  everything.  I  almost  wish  I  never 
had  died." 


220  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

"  You  surprise  me.  Why  do  you  say  this  ?  Has  any 
thing  gone  wrong  ?  What  is  the  matter  ?" 

"Matter !  Look  at  this  shroud — rags.  Look  at  this 
gravestone,  all  battered  up.  Look  at  that  disgraceful  old 
coffin.  All  a  man's  property  going  to  ruin  and  destruc 
tion  before  his  eyes,  and  ask  him  if  anything  is  wrong ! 
Fire  and  brimstone !" 

"  Calm  yourself,  calm  yourself,"  I  said.  "  It  is  too  bad 
— it  is  certainly  too  bad,  but  then  I  had  not  supposed 
that  you  would  much  mind  such  matters,  situated  as  you 
are" 

"  Well,  my  dear  sir,  I  do  mind  them.  My  pride  is  hurt, 
and  my  comfort  is  impaired — destroyed,  I  might  say.  I 
will  state  my  case — I  will  put  it  to  you  in  such  a  way 
that  you  can  comprehend  it,  if  you  will  let  me,"  said 
the  poor  skeleton,  tilting  the  hood  of  his  shroud  back,  as 
if  he  were  clearing  for  action,  and  thus  unconsciously 
giving  himself  a  jaunty  and  lestive  air  very  much  at  vari 
ance  with  the  grave  character  of  his  position  in  life — so 
to  speak — and  in  prominent  contrast  with  his  distressful 
mood. 

"Proceed,"  said  I. 

"  I  reside  in  the  shameful  old  graveyard  a  block  or  two 
above  you  here,  in  this  street — there,  now,  I  just  expected 
that  cartilage  would  let  go  ! — third  rib  from  the  bottom, 
friend,  hitch  the  end  of  it  to  my  spine  with  a  string,  if 
you  have  got  such  a  thing  about  you,  though  a  bit  of  sil 
ver  wire  is  a  deal  pleasaiiter,  and  more  durable  and  be 
coming,  if  one  keeps  it  polished — to  think  of  shredding 


A  CURIOUS   DREAM.  221 

out  and  going  to  pieces  in  this  way,  just  on  account  of  the 
indifference  and  neglect  of  one's  posterity !" — and  the 
poor  ghost  grated  his  teeth  in  a  way  that  give  me  a 
wrench  and  a  shiver — for  the  effect  is  mightily  increased 
by  the  absence  of  muffling  flesh  and  cuticle.  "  I  reside  in 
that  old  graveyard,  and  have  for  these  thirty  years  ;  and 
I  tell  you  things  are  changed  since  I  laid  this  old  tired 
frame  there,  and  turned  over,  and  stretched  out  for  a 
long  sleep,  with  a  delicious  sense  upon  me  of  being  done 
with  bother,  and  grief,  and  anxiety,  and  doubt,  and 
fear,  for  ever  and  ever,  and  listening  with  comfort 
able  and  increasing  satisfaction  to  the  sexton's  work,  from 
the  startling  clatter  of  his  first  spadeful  on  my  coffin  till 
it  dulled  away  to  the  faint  patting  that  shaped  the  roof 
of  my  new  home — delicious  !  My !  I  wish  you  could  try 
it  to  night !"  and  out  of  my  reverie  deceased  fetched  me 
with  a  rattling  slap  with  a  bony  hand. 

"Yes,  sir,  thirty  years  ago  I  laid  me  down  there,  and 
was  happy.  For  it  was  out  in  the  country,  then — out  in 
the  breezy,  flowery,  grand  old  woods,  and  the  lazy  winds 
gossiped  with  the  leaves,  and  the  squirrels  capered  over  us 
and  around  us,  and  the  creeping  things  visited  us,  and 
the  birds  filled  the  tranquil  solitude  with  music.  Ah,  it 
was  worth  ten  years  of  a  man's  life  to  be  dead  then ! 
Everything  was  pleasant.  I  was  in  a  good  neighbourhood, 
for  all  the  dead  people  that  lived  near  me  belonged  to  the 
best  families  in  the  city.  Our  posterity  appeared  to  think 
the  world  of  us.  They  kept  our  graves  in  the  very  best 
condition;  the  fences  were  always  in  faultless  repair, 


222  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

head -boards  were  kept  painted  or  whitewashed,  and  were 
replaced  with  new  ones  as  soon  as  they  began  to  look 
rusty  or  decayed  ;  monuments  were  kept  upright,  railings 
intact  and  bright,  the  rosebushes  and  shrubbery  trimmed, 
trained,  and  free  from  blemish,  the  walks  clean  and 
smooth  and  gravelled.  But  that  day  is  gone  by.  Our  de 
scendants  have  forgotten  us.  My  grandson  lives  in  a  stately 
house  built  with  money  made  by  these  old  hands  of  mine, 
and  I  sleep  in  a  neglected  grave  with  invading  vermin  that 
gnaw  my  shroud  to  build  them  nests  withal !  I  and  friends 
that  lie  with  me  founded  and  secured  the  prosperity  of 
this  fine  city,  and  the  stately  bantling  of  our  loves  leaves 
us  to  rot  in  a  dilapidated  cemetery  which  neighbours  curse 
and  strangers  scoff  at.  See  the  difference  between  the 
old  time  and  this — for  instance ;  our  graves  are  all  caved 
in,  now  ;  our  head-boards  have  rotted  away  and  tumbled 
down ,  our  railings  reel  this  way  and  that,  with  one  foot 
in  the  air,  after  a  fashion  o£  unseemly  levity ;  our  monu 
ments  lean  wearily,  and  our  gravestones  bow  their  heads 
discouraged,  there  be  no  adornments  any  more — no  roses, 
nor  shrubs,  nor  gravelled  walks,  nor  anything  that  is  a 
comfort  to  the  eye ;  and  even  the  paintle.ss  old  board 
fence  that  did  make  a  show  of  holding  us  sacred  from 
the  companionship  with  beasts  and  the  defilement  of 
heedless  feet,  has  tottered  till  it  overhangs  the  street,  and 
only  advertises  the  presence  of  our  dismal  resting-plac^ 
and  invites  yet  more  derision  to  it.  And  now  we  cannot 
hide  our  poverty  and  tatters  in  the  friendly  woods,  for 
the  city  has  stretched  its  withering  arms  abroad  and 


A  CURIOUS   DREAM.  223 

taken  us  in,  and  all  that  remains  of  the  cheer  of  our  old 
home  is  the  cluster  of  lugubrious  forest  trees  that  stand, 
bored  and  weary  of  a  city  life,  with  their  feet  in  our  coffins, 
looking  into  the  hazy  distance  and  wishing  they  were 
there.  I  tell  you  it  is  disgraceful ! 

"  You  begin  to  comprehend — you  begin  to  see — how  it 
is.  While  our  descendants  are  living  sumptuously  on  our 
money,  right  around  us  in  the  city,  we  have  to  fight  hard 
to  keep  skull  and  bones  together.  Bless  you,  there  isn't 
a  grave  in  our  cemetery  that  doesn't  leak — not  one.  Every 
time  it  rains  in  the  night  we  have  to  climb,  out  and  roost  in 
the  trees — and  sometimes  we  are  wakened  suddenly  by 
the  chilling  water  trickling  down  the  back  of  our  necks. 
Then  I  tell  you  there  is  a  general  heaving  up  of  old 
graves  and  kicking  over  of  old  monuments,  and  scamp 
ering  of  old  skeletons  for  the  trees !  Bless  me,  if  you 
had  gone  along  there  some  such  nights  after  twelve  you 
might  have  seen  as  many  as  fifteen  of  us  roosting  on  one 
limb,  with  our  joints  rattling  drearily  and  the  wind 
wheezing  through  our  ribs !  Many  a  time  we  have 
perched  there  for  three  or  four  dreary  hours,  and  then 
come  down,  stiff  and  chilled  through  and  drowsy,  and 
borrowed  each  other's  skulls  to  bale  out  our  graves  with 
—if  you  will  glance  up  in  my  mouth,  now  as  I  tilt  my 
head  back,  you  can  see  that  my  head-piece  is  half  full  of  old 
dry  sediment — how  top-heavy  and  stupid  it  makes  me 
sometimes !  Yes,  sir,  many  a  time  if  you  had  happened 
to  come  along  just  before  the  dawn  you'd  have  caught  us' 
baling  out  our  graves  and  hanging  our  shrouds  on  the 


224  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

fence  to  dry.  Why,  I  had  an  elegant  shroud  stolen  from 
there  one  morning — think  a  party  by  the  name  of  Smith 
took  it,  that  resides  in  a  plebeian  graveyard  over  yonder — 
I  think  so,  because  the  first  time  I  ever  saw  him  he  hadn't 
anything  on  but  a  check  shirt,  and  the  last  time  I  saw  him, 
which  was  at  a  social  gathering  in  the  new  cemetery, he  was 
the  best  dressed  corpse  in  the  company — and  it  is  a  signifi 
cant  fact  that  he  left  when  he  saw  me ;  and  presently  an 
old  woman  from  here  missed  her  coffin  —  sLe  generally 
took  it  with  her  when  she  went  anywhere,  because  she 
was  liable  to  take  cold  and  bring  on  the  spasmodic  rheu 
matism  that  originally  killed  her  if  she  exposed  herself 
to  the  night  air  too  much.  She  was  named  Hotchkiss — 
Anna  Matilda  Hotchkiss  —  you  might  know  her  ?  She 
has  two  upper  front  teeth,  is  tall,  but  a  good  deal  inclined 
to  stoop,  one  rib  on  the  left  side  gone,  has  one  shred  of 
rusty  hair  hanging  from  the  left  side  of  her  head,  and  one 
little  tuft  just  above  and  a  little  forward  of  her  right 
ear,  has  her  under  jaw  wired  on  one  side  where  it  had 
worked  loose,  small  bone  of  left  forearm  gone  —  lost  in  a 
fight — has  a  kind  of  swagger  in  her  gait  and  a  '  gallus ' 
way  of  going  with  her  arms  akimbo  and  her  nostrils  in 
the  air — has  been  pretty  free  and  easy,  and  is  all  damaged 
and  battered  up  till  she  looks  like  a  queens-ware  crate  in 
ruins — maybe  you  have  met  her  ?" 

"  God  forbid  !"  I  involuntarily  ejaculated,  for  somehow 
I  was  not  looking  for  that  form  of  question,  and  it  caught 
me  a  little  off  my  guard.  But  I  hastened  to  make  amends 
for  my  rudeness,  and  say,  "  I  simply  meant  I  had  not  had 


A  CURIOUS  DREAM.  225 

the  honour — for  I  would  not  deliberately  speak  discour 
teously  of  a  friend  of  yours.  You  were  saying  that  you 
were  robbed — and  it  was  a  shame,  too — but  it  appears  by 
what  is  left  of  the  shroud  you  have  on  that  it  was  a  costly 

one  in  its  day.     How  did " 

A  most  ghastly  expression  began  to  develop  among  the 
decayed  features  and  .shrivelled  integuments  of  my  guest's 
face,  and  I  was  begining  to  grow  uneasy  and  distressed, 
when  he  told  me  he  was  only  working  up  a  deep,  sly 
smile,  with  a  wink  in  it,  to  suggest  that  about  the  time 
he  acquired  his  present  garment  a  ghost  in  a  neighbouring 
cemetery  missed  one.  This  reassured  me,  but  I  begged 
him  to  confine  himself  to  speech  thenceforth,  because  his 
facial  expression  was  uncertain.  Even  with  the  most  el 
aborate  care  it  was  liable  to  miss  fire.  Smiling  should  es 
pecially  be  avoided.  What  he  might  honestly  consider  a 
shining  success  was  likely  to  strike  me  in  a  very  different 
liofht.  I  said  I  liked  to  see  a  skeleton  cheerful,  even  de- 

O  ' 

corously  playful,  but  I  did  not  think  smiling  was  a  skele 
ton's  best  hold. 

"  Yes ;  friend,"  said  the  poor  skeleton,  "the  facts  are 
just  as  I  have  given  them  to  you.  Two  of  these  old  grave 
yards — the  one  that  I  reside  in  and  one  further  along — have 
been  deliberately  neglected  by  our  descendants  of  to-day 
until  there  is  no  occupying  them  any  longer.  Aside  from 
the  osteological  discomfort  of  it — and  that  is  no  light 
matter  this  rainy  weather — the  present  state  of  things  is 
ruinous  to  property.  We  have  got  to  move  or  be  content 
to  see  our  effects  wasted  away  and  utterly  destroyed. 


226  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

Now,  you  will  hardly  believe  it,  but  it  is  true,  neverthe 
less,  that  there  isn't  a  single  coffin  in  good  repair  among 
all  my  acquaintance — now  that  is  an  absolute  fact.  I  do 
not  refer  to  low  people  who  come  in  a  pine  box  mounted 
on  an  express  waggon,  but  I  am  talking  about  your  high 
toned,  silver  mounted  burial-case,  your  monumental  sort, 
that  travel  under  black  plumes  at  the  head  of  a  procession 
and  have  choice  of  cemetery  lots — I  mean  folk  like  the 
Jarvises,  and  the  Bledsoes  and  Burlings,  and  such.  They 
are  all  about  ruined.  The  most  substantial  people  in  our 
set,  they  were.  And  now  look  at  them — utterly  used  up 
and  poverty-stricken.  One  of  the  Bledsoes  actually  traded 
his  monument  to  a  late  bar-keeper  for  some  fresh  shavings 
to  put  under  his  head.  I  tell  you  it  speaks  volumes,  for 
there  is  nothing  a  corpse  takes  so  much  pride  in  as  his 
monument.  He  loves  to  read  the  inscription.  He  comes 
after  awhile  to  believe  what  it  says  himself,  and  then  you 
may  see  him  sitting  on  a  fence  night  after  night  enjoying 
it.  Epitaphs  are  cheap,  and  they  do  a  poor  chap  a  world 
of  good  after  he  is  dead,  especially  if  he  had  hard  luck 
while  he  was  alive.  I  wish  they  were  used  more.  Now. 
I  don't  complain,  but  confidentially  I  do  think  it  was  a 
little  shabby  in  my  descendants  to  give  me  nothing  but 
this  old  slab  of  a  gravestone — and  all  the  more  that  there 
isn't  a  compliment  on  it.  It  used  to  have 

'GONE   TO   HIS  JUST  REWARD' 

on  it,  and  I  was  proud  when  I  first  saw  it,  but  by-and- 
by  I  noticed  that  whenever  an  old  friend  of  mine  came 


A  CURIOUS   DREAM.  227 

along  he  would  hook  his  chin  on  the  railing  and  pull  a  long 
face  and  read  along  down  till  he  came  to  that,  and  then 
tie  would  chuckle  to  himself  and  walk  off,  looking  satis 
fied  and  comfortable.  So  I  scratched  it  off  to  get  rid  of 
those  fools.  But  a  dead  man  always  takes  a  deal  of  pride 
in  his  monument.  Yonder  goes  half-a-dozen  of  the 
Jarvises,  now,  with  the  family  monument  along.  And 
Smithers  and  some  hired  spectres  went  by  with  his  a 
while  ago.  Hello,  Higgins,  good-bye,  old  friend  !  That's 
Meredith  Higgins — died  in  '44 — belongs  to  our  set  in  the 
cemetery — fine  old  family — great-grandmother  was  an 
Injun — I  am  on  the  most  familiar  terms  with  him— 
he  didn't  hear  me  was  the  reason  he  didn't  answer  me 
And  I  am  sorry,  too,  because  I  would  have  liked  to  in 
troduce  you.  You  would  admire  him.  He  is  the  most 
disjointed,  sway-backed,  and  generally  distorted  old 
skeleton  you  ever  saw,  but  he  is  full  of  fun.  When  he 
laughs  it  sounds  like  rasping  two  stones  together,  and  he 
always  starts  it  oft  with  a  cheery  screech  like  raking  a 
nail  across  a  window-pane.  Hey,  Jones !  That  is  old 
Columbus  Jones — shroud  cost  four  hundred  dollars — 
entire  trousseau,  including  monument,  twenty-seven 
hundred.  That  was  in  the  Spring  of  '26.  It  was  enor 
mous  style  for  those  days.  Dead  people  came  all  the 
way  from  the  Alleghanies  to  see  his  things — the  party 
that  occupied  the  grave  next  to  mine  remembers  it  well. 
Now  do  you  see  that  individual  going  along  with  a  piece 
of  a  head-board  under  his  arm,  one  leg-boo o  below  his 
knee  gone,  and  not  a  thing  in  the  world  on  ?  That  is 


228  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

Barstow  Dalhousie,  and  next  to  Columbus  Jones  he  was 
the  most  sumptuously  outfitted  person  that  ever  entered 
our  cemetery.  We  are  all  leaving.  We  cannot  tolerate 
the  treatment  we  are  receiving  at  the  hands  of  our  des 
cendants.  They  open  new  cemeteries,  but  they  leave  us 
to  our  ignominy.  They  mend  the  streets,  but  they  never 
mend  anything  that  is  about  us  or  belongs  to  us.  Look 
at  that  coffin  of  mine — yet  I  tell  you  in  its  day  it  was  a 
piece  of  furniture  that  would  have  attracted  attention  in 
any  drawing-room  in  this  city.  You  may  have  it  if  you 
want  it — I  can't  afford  to  repair  it.  Put  a  new  bottom  in 
her,  and  part  of  a  new  top,  and  a  bit  of  fresh  lining  along 
the  left  side,  and  you'll  find  her  about  as  comfortable  as 
any  receptacle  of  her  species  you  ever  tried.  No  thanks 
— no,  don't  mention  it — you  have  been  civil  to  me,  and  I 
would  give  you  all  the  property  I  have  got  before  I  would 
seem  ungrateful.  Now  this  winding-sheet  is  a  kind  of  a 

sweet  thing  in  its  way,  if  you  would  like  to .     No  ? 

Well,  just  as  you  say,  but  I  wished  to  be  fair  and  liberal— 
there's  nothing  mean  about  me.  Good-by,  friend,  I  must  be 
going.  I  may  have  a  good  way  to  go  to-night — don't  know. 
I  only  know  one  thing  for  certain,  and  that  is,  that  I  am 
on  the  emigrant  trail,  now,  and  I'll  never  sleep  in  that 
crazy  old  cemetery  again.  I  will  travel  till  I  find  res 
pectable  quarters,  if  I  have  to  hoof  it  to  New  Jersey. 
All  the  boys  are  going.  It  was  decided  in  public  con 
clave,  last  night,  to  emigrate,  and  by  the  time  the  sun  rises 
there  won't  be  a  bone  left  in  our  old  habitations.  Such 
cemeteries  may  suit  my  surviving  friends,  but  they  do 


A  CURIOUS  DREAM.  220 

not  suit  the  remains  that  have  the  honour  to  make  these 
remarks.  My  opinion  is  the  general  opinion.  If  you 
doubt  it,  go  and  see  how  -the  departing  ghosts  upset 
things  before  they  started.  They  were  almost  riotous  in 
their  demonstration  of  distaste.  Hello,  here  are  some  of 
the  Bledsoes,  and  if  you  will  give  me  a  lift  with  this 
tombstone  I  guess  I  will  join  company  and  jog  along  with 
them — mighty  respectable  old  family,  the  Bledsoes,  and 
used  to  always  come  out  in  six-horse  hearses,  and  all  that 
sort  of  thing  fifty  years  ago  when  I  walked  these  streets 
in  daylight.  Good-by,  friend." 

And  with  his  gravestone  on  his  shoulder  he  joined  the 
grisly  procession,  dragging  his  damaged  coffin  after  him, 
for  notwithstanding  he  pressed  it  upon  me  so  earnestly, 
I  utterly  refused  his  hospitality.  I  suppose  that  for  as 
much  as  two  hours  these  sad  outcasts  went  clacking  by, 
laden  with  their  dismal  effects,  and  all  that  time  I  sat 
pitying  them.  One  or  two  of  the  youngest  and  least 
dilapidated  among  them  inquired  about  midnight  trains 
on  the  railways,  but  the  rest  seemed  unacquainted  with 
that  mode  of  travel,  and  merely  asked  about  common 
public  roads  to  various  towns  and  cities,  some  of  which 
are  not  on  the  map  now,  and  vanished  from  it  and  from 
the  earth  as  much  as  thirty  years  ago,  and  some  few  of 
them  never  had  existed  anywhere  but  on  maps,  and  pri 
vate  ones  in  real  estate  agencies  at  that.  And  they  asked 
about  the  condition  of  the  cemeteries  in  these  towns  and 
cities,  and  about  the  reputation  the  citizens  bore  as  to 
reverence  for  the  dead. 


230  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

This -whole  matter  interested  me  deeply,  and  likewise 
compelled  my  sympathy  for  these  homeless  ones.  And  it 
all  seeming  real,  and  I  not  knowing  it  was  a  dream,  I 
mentioned  to  one  shrouded  wanderer  an  idea  that  had 
entered  my  head  to  publish  an  account  of  this  curious 
and  very  sorrowful  exodus,  but  said  also  that  I  could  not 
describe  it  truthfully,  and  just  as  it  occurred,  without 
seeming  to  trifle  with  a  grave  subject  and  exhibit  an 
irreverence  for  the  dead  that  would  shock  and  distress 
their  surviving  friends.  But  this  bland  and  stately 
remnant  of  a  former  citizen  leaned  him  far  over  my  gate 
and  whispered  in  my  ear,  and  said : — 

"  Do  not  let  that  disturb  you.  The  community  that 
can  stand  such  graveyards  as  those  we  are  emigrating 
from  can  stand  anything  a  body  can  say  about  the  neg 
lected  and  forsaken  dead  that  lie  in  them." 

At  that  very  moment  a  cock  crowed,  and  the  weird 
procession  vanished  and  left  not  a  shred  or  a  bone  be 
hind.  I  awoke,  and  found  myself  lying  with  my  head 
out  of  the  bed  "sagging"  downwards  considerably — a 
position  favourable  to  dreaming  dreams  with  morals  in 
them,  maybe,  but  not  poetry. 

NOTE. — The  reader  is  assured  that  if  the  cemeteries  in  his  town  are  kept 
in  good  order,  this  Dream  is  not  levelled  at  his  town  at  all,  but  is  levelled 
particularly  and  venomously  at  the  next  town 


THE   SIAMESE   TWINS.  231 


THE  SIAMESE  TWINS. 


JDO  not  wish  to  write  of  the  personal  habits  of  these 
strange  creatures  solely,  but  also  of  certain  curious 
details  of  various  kinds  concerning  them,  which  belong 
ing  only  to  their  private  life,  have  never  crept  into 
print.  Knowing  the  Twins  intimately,  I  feel  that  I  am 
peculiarly  well  qualified  for  the  task  I  have  taken  upon 
myself. 

The  Siamese  Twins  are  naturally  tender  and  affection 
ate  in  disposition,  and  have  clung  to  each  other  with 
singular  fidelity  throughout  a  long  and  eventful  life. 
Even  as  children  they  were  inseparable  companions  ;  and 
it  was  noticed  that  they  always  seemed  to  prefer  each 
other's  society  to  that  of  any  other  persons.  They  nearly 
always  played  together  ;  and,  so  accustomed  was  their 
mother  to  this  peculiarity,  that,  whenever  both  of  them 
chanced  to  be  lost,  she  usually  only  hunted  for  one  of 
them— satisfied  that  when  she  found  that  one  she  would 
find  his  brother  somewhere  in  the  immediate  neighbour 
hood.  (.  And  yet  these  creatures  were  ignorant  and  unlet 
tered — barbarians  themselves  and  the  offspring  of  bar 
barians,  who  knew  not  the  light  of  philosophy  and 
science.  What  a  withering  rebuke  is  this  to  our  boasted 


232  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

civilization,  with  its  quarrellings,  its  wranglings,  and  its 
separations  of  brothers  ij 

As  men,  the  Twins  have  not  always  lived  in  perfect 
accord  ;  but  still  there  has  always  been  a  bond  between 
them  which  made  them  unwilling  to  go  away  from  each 
other  and  dwell  apart.  They  have  even  occupied  tke 
same  house,  as  a  general  thing,  and  it  is  believed  that 
they  have  never  failed  to  even  sleep  together  on  any 
night  since  they  were  born.  How  surely  do  the  habits  of 
a  lifetime  become  second  nature  to  us  !  The  Twins  al 
ways  go  to  bed  at  the  same  time  ;  but  Chang  usually  gets 
up  about  an  hour  before  his  brother.  By  an  understand 
ing  between  themselves,  Chang  does  all  the  in-door  work, 
and  Eng  runs  all  the  errands.  This  is. because  Eng  likes 
to  go  out  ;(Chang's  habits  are  sedentar/  However,  Chang 
/x  always  goes  along.  Eng  is  a  Baptist,  but  Chang  is  a 
\  Roman  Catholic ;  still,  to  please  his  brother,  Chang  con 
sented  to  be  baptized  at  the  same  time  that  Eng  was,  on 
L  condition  that  it  should  not  "  count."  f  During  the  War 
they  were  strong  partizans,  and  both  f  ought  gallantly  all 
through  the  great  struggle — Eng  on  the  Union  side  and 
i  |  Chang  on  the  Confederate.  They  took  each  other  prison- 
f  ers  at  Seven  Oaks,  but  the  proofs  of  capture  were  so 
evenly  balanced  in  favour  of  each,  that  a  general  army 
court  had  to  be  assembled  to  determine  which  one  was 
properly  the  captor,  and  which  the  captive.  The  jury  was 
unable  to  agree  for  a  long  time  ;  l?ut  the  vexed  question 
was  finally  decided  by  agreeing  to  consider  them  both 
prisoners,  and  then  exchanging  them,J  At  one  time 


THE   SIAMESE   TWINS.          ^jL  23- 

Chang  was  convicted  of  disobedience  of  orders,  and  sent 
enced  to  ten  days  in  the  guard-house,  but  Eng,  in  spite 
of  all  arguments,  felt  obliged  to  share  his  imprisonment, 
notwithstanding  he  himself  was  entirely  innocent  ;  and 
so,  to  save  the  blameless  brother  from  suffering,  they  had 
to  discharge  both  from  custody — the  just  reward  of  faith 
fulness,  j 

Upon  one  occasion  the  brothers  fell  out  about  some 
thing,  and  Chang  knocked  Eng  down,  and  then  tripped 
and  fell  on  him,  whereupon  both  clinched  and  began  to 
beat  and  gouge  each  other  without  mercy.  The  bystand 
ers  interferred,  and  tried  to  separate  them,  but  they 
could  not  do  it,  and  so  allowed  them  to  fight  it  out.  In 
the  end  both  were  disabled,  and  were  carried  to  the  hos 
pital  on  one  and  the  same  shutter  J 

Their  ancient  habit  of  going  always  together  had  its 
drawbacks  when  they  reached  man's  estate,  and  entered 
upon  the  luxury  of  courting.  Both  fell  in  love  with  the 
same  girl.  Each  tried  to  steal  clandestine  interviews  with 
her,  but  at  the  critical  moment  the  other  would  always 
turn  up.  By  and  by  Eng  saw,  with  distraction,  that 
Chang  had  won  the  girl's  affections  ;  and,  from  that  day 
forth,  he  had  to  bear  with  the  agony  of  being  a  witness 
to  all  their  dainty  billing  and  cooing.  But  with  a  mag 
nanimity  that  did  him  infinite  credit,  he  succumbed  to  his 
fate,  and  gave  countenance  and  encouragement  to  a  state 
of  things  that  bade  fair  to  sunder  his  generous  heart 
strings.  He  sat  from  seven  every  evening  until  two  in  the 
morning,  listening  to  the  fond  foolishness  of  the  two 


234»  SKETCHES  BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

lovers,  and  to  the  concussion  of  hundreds  of  squandered 
kisses — for  the  privilege  of  sharing  ^only  one  of  which  he 
would  have  given  his  right  hand.  /  But  he  sat  patiently 
and  waited,  and  gaped,  and  yawned,  and  stretched,  and 
longed  for  two  o'clock  to  come.  And  he  took  long  walks 
with  the  lovers  on  moonlight  evenings — sometimes  tra 
versing  ten  miles,  notwithstanding  he  was  usually  suffer 
ing  from  rheumatism.  He  is  an  inveterate  smoker  ;  but 
he  could  not  smoke  on  these  occasions,  because  the  young 
lady  was  painfully  sensitive  to  the  smell  of  tobacco.  Eng 
cordially  wanted  them  married,  and  done  with  it  ;  but 
although  Chang  often  asked  the  momentous  question, 
the  young  lady  could  not  gather  sufficient  courage  to 
answer  it  while  Eng  was  by.  However,  on  one  occasion, 
after  having  walked  some  sixteen  miles,  and  sat  up  till 
nearly  daylight,  Eng  dropped  asleep,  from  sheer  exhaus- 
ti  ,11,  and  then  the  question  was  asked  and  answered.  The 
lovers  were  married.  All  acquainted  with  the  circum 
stances  applauded  the  noble  brother-in-law.  His  unwav 
ering  faithfulness  was  the  theme  of  every  tongue.  He  had 
stayed  by  them  all  through  their  long  and  arduous  court 
ship  ;  and  when  at  last  they  were  married,  he  lifted  his 
hands  above  their  heads,  and  said  with  impressive  unc 
tion,  "  Bless  ye,  my  children,  I  will  never  desert  ye  ! "  and 
he  kept  his  word.  Fidelity  like  this  is  all  too  rare  in  this 
cold  world. 

By  and  by  Eng  fell  in  love  with  his  sister-in  law's 
sister,  and  married  her,  and  since  that  day  they  have  all 
lived  together,  night  and  day,  in  an  exceeding  sociability 


SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN".  2^. 

which  is  touching  and  beautiful  to  behold,  and  is  a  scath 
ing  rebuke  to  our  boasted  civilization. 

The  sympathy  existing  between  these  two  brothers  is 
so  close  and  so  refined  that  the  feelings,  the  impulses,  the 
emotions  of  the  one  are  instantly  experienced  by  the  other. 
When  one  is  sick,  the  other  is  sick ,  when  one  feels  pain, 
the  other  feels  it ;  when  one  is  angered,  the  other's  temper 
takes  fire.  We  have  already  seen  with  what  happy  facil 
ity  they  both  fell  in  love  with  the  same  girl,  j^ow,  Chang 
is  bitterly  opposed  to  all  forms  of  intemperance,  on  princi 
pal  ;  but  Eng  is  the  reverse — for,  while  these  men's  feel 
ings  and  emotions  are  so  closely  wedded,  their  reasoning 
faculties  are  unfettered ;  their  thoughts  are  free.  .  Chang 
belongs  to  the  Good  Templars,  and  is  a  hard  working,  en 
thusiastic  supporter  of  all  temperance  reforms.  But,  to 
his  bitter  distress,  every  now  and  then  Eng  gets  drunk, 
and,  of  course,  that  makes  Chang  drunk  too  This  un 
fortunate  thing  has  been  a  great  sorrow  to  Changffor  it 
almost  destroys  his  usefulness  in  his  favourite  field  of  effortj 
As  sure  as  he  is  to  head  a  great  temperance  procession 
Eng  ranges  up  alongside  of  him,  prompt  to  the  minute, 
and  drunk  as  a  lord ;  but  yet  no  more  dismally  and  hope 
lessly  drunk  than  his  brother,  who  has  not  tasted  a  drop. 
(And  so  the  two  begin  to  hoot  and  yell,  and  throw  mud 
and  bricks  at  the  Good  Templars ,  and  of  course  they 
break  up  the  procession  )  It  would  be  manifestly  wrong 
to  punish  Chang  for  what  Eng  does,  and,  therefore,  the 
Good  Templars  accept  the  untoward  situation,  and  suffer 
in  silence  and  sorrow.  They  have  officially  and  deliber- 


THE   SIAMESE   TWINS. 

ately  examined  into  the  matter,  and  find  Chang  blameless. 
They  have  taken  the  two  brothers  and  filled  Chang  full 
of  warm  water  and  sugar  and  Eng  full  of  whiskey,  and 
in  twenty-five  minutes  it  was  not  possible  to  tell  which 
was  the  drunkest.  Both  were  as  drunk  as  loons — and  on 
hot  whiskey  punches,  by  the  smell  of  their  breath.  Yet 
all  the  while  Chang's  moral  principles  were  unsullied,  his 
conscience  clear ;  and  so  all  just  men  were  forced  to  con 
fess  that  he  was  not  morally,  but  only  physically  drunk. 
By  every  right  and  by  every  moral  evidence  the  man  was 
strictly  sober ;  and,  therefore,  it  caused  his  friends  all  the 
more  anguish  to  see  him  shake  hands  with  the  pump,  and 
try  to  wind  his  watch  with  his  night-key. 

There  is  a  moral  in  these  solemn  warnings — or,  at  least, 
a  warning  in  these  solemn  morals  ;  one  or  the  other.  No 
matter,  it  is  somehow.  Let  us  heed  it ;  let  us  profit  by 
it. 

I  could  say  more  of  an  instructive  nature  about  these 
interesting  beings,  but  let  what  I  have  written  suffice. 

Having  forgotten  to  mention  it  sooner,  I  will  remark  in 
conclusion,  that  the  ages  of  the  Siamese  Twins  are  respec 
tively  fifty-one  and  fifty- three  years. 


SPEECH  AT  THE  SCOTTISH  BANQUET  IN 
LONDON. 


AT  the  anniversary  festival  of  the  Scottish  Corporation 
of  London  on  Monday  evening,  in  response  to  the 
toast  of  "  The  Ladies,"  MAKK  TWAIN  replied.     The  follow 
ing  is  the  speech  as  reported  in  the  London  Observer : 

"I  am  proud,  indeed,  of  the  distinction  of  being  chosen  to  respond  to 
this  especial  toast,  to  '  The  Ladies, '  or  to  women  if  you  please,  for  that  is  the 
preferable  term,  perhaps  ;  it  is  certainly  the  older,  and  therefore  the  more 
entitled  to  reverence.  (Laughter. )  T  have  noticed  that  the  Bible,  with  that 
plain,  blunt  honesty  which  is  such  a  conspicuous  characteristic  of  the  Scrip 
tures,  is  always  particular  to  never  refer  to  even  the  illustrious  mother  of  all 
mankind  herself  as  a  'lady,' but  speaks  of  her  as  a  woman.  (Laughter.)  It 
is  odd,  but  you  will  find  it  is  so.  I  am  peculiarly  proud  of  this  honour,  be 
cause  I  think  that  the  toast  to  women  is  one  which,  by  right  and  by  every 
rule  of  gallantry,  should  take  precedence  of  all  others  —  of  the  army,  of  the 
navy,  of  even  royalty  itself — perhaps,  though  the  latter  is  not  necessary  in 
this  day  and  in  this  land,  for  the  reason  that,  tacitly,  you  do  drink  a  broad 
general  health  to  all  good  women  when  you  drink  the  health  of  the  Queen 
of  England  and  the  Princess  of  Wales.  (Loud  cheers. )  I  have  in  mind  a 
poem  just  now  which  is  familiar  to  you  all,  familiar  to  everybody.  And 
what  an  inspiration  that  was  (and  how  instantly  the  present  toast  recalls 
the  verses  to  all  our  minds)  when  the  most  noble,  the  most  gracious,  the 
purest,  and  sweetest  of  all  poets  says  :— 

" '  Woman !  0  woman  ! — er — 
Worn ' 

(Laughter  )  However,  you  remember  the  lines ;  and  you  remember  how 
feelingly,  how  daintily,  how  almost  imperceptibly,  the  verses  raise  up  bef oro 
you,  feature  by  feature,  the  ideal  of  a  true  and  perfect  woman ;  and  how,  as 


238  SKETCHES   BY   INI  ARK   TWAIN. 

you  contemplate  the  finished  marvel,  your  homage  grows  into  worship  of 
the  intellect  that  could  create  so  fair  a  thing  out  of  mere  breath,  mere  words. 
And  you  call  to  mind  now,  as  I  speak,  how  the  poet,  with  stern  fidelity 
to  the  history  of  all  humanity,  delivers  this  beautiful  child  of  his  heart  and 
his  brain  over  to  the  trials  and  the  sorrows  that  must  come  to  all,  sooner  or 
later,  that  abide  in  the  earth,  and  how  the  pathetic  story  culminates  in 
that  apostrophe — so  wild,  so  regretful,  so  full  of  mournful  retrospection. 
The  lines  run  thus  : — 

' ' '  Alas  ! — alas  ! — a — alas  ! 
Alas  ! —  — alas  !' 

— and  so  on.  (Laughter. )  I  do  not  remember  the  rest ;  but,  taken  alto 
gether,  it  seems  to  me  that  poem  is  the  noblest  tribute  to  woman  that 
human  genius  has  ever  brought  forth  —  (laughter)  —  and  I  feel  that  if  I  were 
to  talk  hours  I  could  not  do  my  great  theme  completer  or  more  graceful 
justice  than  I  have  now  done  in  simply  quoting  that  poet's  matchless  words. 
(Renewed  laughter.)  The  phases  of  the  womanly  nature  are  infinite  in  their 
variety  Take  any  type  of  woman,  and  you  shall  find  in  it  something  to 
respect,  something  to  admire,  something  to  love.  And  you  shall  find  the 
whole  joining  you  heart  and  hand.  Who  was  more  patriotic  than  Joan  of 
Arc  ?  Who  was  braver  ?  Who  has  given  us  a  grander  instance  of  self  sacri 
ficing  devotion?  Ah !  you  remember,  you  remember  well,  what  a  throb  of 
pain,  what  a  great  tidal  wave  of  grief  swept  over  us  all  when  Joan  of  Arc 
fell  at  Waterloo  (Much  laughter. )  Who  does  not  sorrow  for  the  loss  of 
Sappho,  the  sweet  singer  of  Israel?  (Laughter.)  Who  among  us  does  not 
miss  the  gentle  ministrations,  the  softening  influences,  the  humble  piety,  of 
Lucretia  Borgia?  (Laughter.)  Who  can  join  in  the  heartless  libel  that 
says  woman  is  extravagant  in  dress  when  he  can  look  back  and  call  to  rnind 
our  simple  and  lowly  mother  Eve  arrayed  in  her  modification  of  the  High 
land  costume.  (Roars  of  laughter.)  Sir,  women  have  been  soldiers,  women 
have  been  painters,  women  have  been  poets.  As  long  as  language  lives  the 
name  of  Cleopatra  will  live.  And  not  because  she  conquered  George  III. 
— (laughter) — but  because  she  wrote  those  divine  lines — 

"  'Let  dogs  delight  to  bark  and  bite, 
For  God  hath  made  them  so. ' 

(More  laughter.)  The  story  of  the  world  is  adorned  with  the  names  of  il 
lustrious  ones  of  our  own  sex — some  of  them  sons  of  St.  Andrew,  too — Scott, 
Bruce,  Burns,  the  warrior  Wallace,  Ben  Nevis — (laxighter) — the  gifted  Ben 
Lomond,  and  the  great  new  Scotchman,  Ben  Disraeli.*  (Great  laughter. ) 

*Mr.  Benjamin  Disraeli,  at  that  time  Prime  Minister  of  England,  had 
just  been  elected  Lord  Rector  of  Glasgow  University,  and  had  made  a  speech 
which  gave  rise  to  a  world  of  discussion. 


SPEECH   AT   THE   SCOTTISH   BANQUET.  239 

Out  of  the  great  plains  of  history  tower  whole  mountain  ranges  of  sublime 
women  —  the  Queen  of  Sheba,  Josephine,  Semiramis,  Sairey  Gamp  ;  the 
list  is  endless  —  (laughter)  —  but  I  will  not  call  the  mighty  roll,  the  names 
rise  up  in  your  own  memories  at  the  mere  suggestion,  luminous  with  the 
glory  of  deeds  that  cannot  die,  hallowed  by  the  loving  worship  of  the  good 
and  the  true  of  all  epochs  and  all  climes.  (Cheers.)  Suffice  it  for  our 
pride  and  our  honour  that  we  in  our  day  have  added  to  it  such  names  as 
those  of  Grace  Darling  and  Florence  Nightingale.  (Cheers. )  Woman  is 
all  that  she  should  be — gentle,  patient,  long  suffering,  trustful,  unselfish,  full 
of  generous  impulses.  It  is  her  blessed  mission  to  comfort  the  sorrowing, 
plead  for  the  erring,  encourage  the  faint  of  purpose,  succour  the  distressed, 
uplift  the  fallen,  befriend  the  friendless— in  a  word,  afford  the  healing  of  her 
sympathies  and  a  home  in  her  heart  for  all  the  bruised  and  persecuted  chil 
dren  of  misfortune  that  knock  at  its  hospitable  door.  (Cheers.)  And  when 
I  say,  God  bless  her,  there  is  none  among  us  who  has  known  the  ennobling 
affection  of  a  wife,  or  the  steadfast  devotion  of  a  mother  but  in  his  heart 
will  say,  Amen  1  (Loud  and  prolonged  cheering.) 


240  SKETCHES  BY  MAKK  TWAIN. 


A  GHOST  STORY. 


I  TO  OK  a  large  room,  far  up  Broadway,  in  a  huge  old 
building  whose  upper  stories  had  been  wholly  unoc 
cupied  for  years,  until  I  came.  The  place  had  long  been 
given  up  to  dust  and  cobwebs,  to  solitude  and  silence.  1 
seemed  groping  among  the  tombs  and  invading  the  privacy 
of  the  dead,  that  first  night  I  climbed  up  to  my  quarters. 
For  the  first  time  in  my  life  a  superstitious  dread  came 
over  me  ;  and  as  I  turned  a  dark  angle  of  the  stairway 
and  an  invisible  cobweb  swung  its  slazy  woof  in  my  face 
and  clung  there,  I  shuddered  as  one  who  had  encountered 
a  phantom.  I  was  glad  enough  when  I  reached  my  room 
and  locked  out  the  mould  and  the  darkness.  A  cheery 
fire  was  burning  in  the  grate,  and  I  sat  down  before  it  ' 
with  a  comforting  sense  of  relief.  For  two  hours  I  sat 
there,  thinking  of  bygone  times ;  recalling  old  scenes , 
and  summoning  half  iorgotten  laces  out  o^  the 
mist  of  the  past;  listening  in  fancy  to  voices 
that  long  ago  grew  silent  for  all  time,  and  to  once 
familiar  songs  that  nobody  sings  now.  And  as  my 
reverie  softened  down  to  a  sadder  and  sadder  pathos,  -the 
shrieking  of  the  winds  outside  softened  to  a  wail,  the 
angry  beating-  of  the  rain  against  the  panes  diminished 


A  GHOST  STORY.  241 

to  a  tranquil  patter,  and  one  by  one  the  noises  in  the 
street  subsided,  until  the  hurrying  footsteps  of  the  last 
belated  straggler  died  away  in  the  distance  and  left  no 
sound  behind. 

The  fire  had  burned  low.  A  sense  of  loneliness  crept 
over  me.  I  arose  and  undressed,  moving  on  tip-toe  about 
the  room,  doing  stealthily  what  I  had  to  do,  as  if  I  were 
environed  by  sleeping  enemies  whose  slumbers  it  would 
be  fatal  to  break.  I  covered  up  in  bed,  and  lay  listening 
to  the  rain  and  wind  and  the  faint  creaking  of  distant 
shutters,  till  they  lulled  me  to  sleep. 

I  slept  profoundly,  but  how  long  I  do  not  know.  All 
at  once  I  found  myself  awake,  and  filled  with  a  shudder 
ing  expectancy.  All  was  still.  All  but  my  own  heart — 
I  could  hear  it  beat.  Presently  the  bed  clothes  began  to 
slip  away  slowly  toward  the  foot  of  the  bed,  as  if  some  one 
were  pulling  them !  I  could  not  stir ;  I  could  not  speak. 
Still  the  blankets  slipped  deliberately  away,  till  my  breast 
was  uncovered.  Then  with  a  great  effort  I  seized  them 
•and  drew  them  over  my  head.  I  waited,  listened,  wait 
ed.  Once  more  that  steady  pull  began,  and  once  more  1 
lay  torpid  a  century  of  dragging  seconds  till  my  breast 
was  naked  again.  At  last  I  roused  my  energies  and 
snatched  the  covers  back  to  their  place  and  held  them 
with  a  strong  grip,  I  waited.  By  and  bye  I  felt  a  faint 
tug,  and  took  a  fresh  grip  The  tug  strengthened  to  a 
steady  strain — it  grew  stronger  and  stronger.  My  hold 
parted,  and  for  the  third  time  the  blankets  slid  away. 
I  groaned.  An  answering  groan  came  from  the  foot  of 


242  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

the  bed  !  Beaded  drops  of  sweat  stood  upon  my  forehead. 
I  was  more  dead  than  alive.  Presently  I  heard  a  heavy 
footstep  in  my  room — the  step  of  an  elephant,  it  seemed 
to  me — it  was  not  like  anything  human.  But  it  was 
moving  from  me — there  was  relief  in  that.  I  heard 
it  approach  the  door — pass  out  without  moving  bolt 
or  lock — and  wander  away  among  the  dismal  corri 
dors,  straining  the  floors  and  joists  till  they  creaked 
again  as  it  passed — and  then  silence  reigned  once 
more. 

When  my  excitement  had  calmed,  I  said  to  myself, 
"  This  is  a  dream — simply  a  hideous  dream."  And  so  I 
lay  thinking  it  over  until  I  convinced  myself  that  it  was 
a  dream,  and  then  a  comforting  laugh  relaxed  my  lips 
and  I  was  happy  again.  I  got  up  and  struck  a  light ;  and 
when  I  found  that  the  locks  and  bolts  were  just  as  I  had 
left  them,  another  soothing  laugh  welled  in  my  heart  and 
rippled  from  my  lips.  I  took  my  pipe  and  lit  it,  and  was 
just  sittting  down  before  the  fire,  when — down  went  the 
pipe  out  of  my  nerveless  fingers,  the  blood  forsook  my 
cheeks,  and  placid  breathing  was  cut  short  with  a  gasp  ! 
In  the  ashes  on  the  hearth,  side  by  side  with  my  own 
bare  footprint,  was  another,  so  vast  that  in  comparison 
mine  was  but  an  infant's  !  Then  I  had  had  a  visitor,  and 
the  elephantine  tread  was  explained. 

I  put  out  the  light  and  returned  to  bed,  palsied  with 
fear.  I  lay  a  long  time,  peering  into  the  darkness,  and 
listening.  Then  I  heard  a  grating  noise  overhead,  like 
the  dragging  of  a  heavy  body  across  the  floor;  then  the 


A   GHOST   STORY.  243 

throwing  down  of  the  body,  and  the  shaking  of  my  win 
dows  in  response  to  the  concussion.  In  distant  parts  of 
the  building  I  heard  the  muffled  slamming  of  doors.  I 
heard,  at  internals,  stealthy  footsteps  creeping  in  and  out 
among  the  corridors,  and  up  and  down  the  stairs.  Some 
times  these  noises  approached  my  door,  hesitated,  and 
went  away  again.  I  heard  the  clanking  of  chains  faintly 
in  remote  passages,  and  listened  while  the  clanking 
grew  nearer — while  it  wearily  climbed  the  stairways, 
marking  each  move  by  the  loose  surplus  of  chain  that  fell 
with  an  accented  rattle  upon  each  succeeding  step  as  the 
goblin  that  bore  it  advanced.  I  heard  muttered  sen 
tences  ;  half-uttered  screams  that  seemed  smothered 
violently ;  and  the  swish  of  invisible  garments,  the  rush 
of  invisible  wings.  Then  I  became  conscious  that  my 
chamber  was  invaded — that  I  was  not  alone.  I  heard  sighs 
and  breathings  about  my  bed,  and  mysterious  whisperings. 
Three  little  spheres  of  soft  phosphorescent  light  appeared 
on  the  ceiling  directly  over  my  head,  clung  and  glowed 
there  a  moment,  and  then  dropped — two  of  them  upon 
my  face  and  one  upon  the  pillow  They  spattered,  liquid- 
ly,  and  felt  warm.  Intuition  told  me  they  had  turned  to 
gouts  of  blood  as  they  fell — I  needed  no  light  to 
satisfy  myself  of  that.  Then  I  saw  pallid  faces,  dimly 
luminous,  and  white  uplifted  hands,  floating  bodiless  in 
the  air, — floating  a  moment  and  then  disappearing.  The 
whispering  ceased,  and  the  voices  and  the  sounds,  and  a 
solemn  stillness  followed.  I  waited,  and  listened.  I  felt 
that  I  must  have  light,  or  die.  I  was  weak  with  fear. 


244  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

I  slowly  raised  myself  toward  a  sitting  posture,  and  my 
face  came  in  contact  with  a  clammy  hand  !  All  strength 
went  from  me,  apparently,  and  I  fell  back  like  a  stricken 
invalid.  Then  I  heard  the  rustle  of  a  garment — it  seemed 
to  pass  to  the  door  and  go  out. 

When  everything  was  still  once  more,  I  crept  out  of 
bed,  sick  and  feeble,  and  lit  the  gas  with  a  hand  that 
trembled  as  if  it  were  aged  with  a  hundred  years.  The 
light  brought  some  little  cheer  to  my  spirits.  I  sat  down 
and  fell  into  a  dreamy  contemplation  of  that  great  foot 
print  in  the  ashes.  By  and  bye  its  outlines  began  to 
waver  and  grow  dim.  I  glanced  up  and  the  broad  gas 
flame  was  slowly  wilting  away.  In  the  same  moment  I 
heard  that  elephantine  tread  again.  I  noted  its  approach, 
nearer  and  nearer,  along  the  musty  halls,  and  dimmer  and 
dimmer  the  light  waned.  The  tread  reached  my  very  door 
and  paused — the  light  had  dwindled  to  a  sickly  blue,  and  all 
things  about  me  lay  in  a  spectral  twilight.  The  door  did 
not  open,  and  yet  I  felt  a  faint  gust  of  air  fan  my  cheek, 
and  presently  was  conscious  of  a  huge,  cloudy  presence 
before  me.  I  watched  it  with  fascinated  eyes.  A  pale 
glow  stole  over  the  Thing ;  gradually  its  cloudy  folds  took 
shape  —  an  arm  appeared,  then  legs,  then  a  body,  and 
last  a  great  sad  face  looked  out  of  the  vapour.  Stripped 
of  its  filmy  housings,  naked,  muscular  and  comely,  tin? 
majestic  Cardiff  Giant  loomed  above  me  ! 

All  my  misery  vanished — f  or  a  child  might  know  that  no 
harm  could  come  with  that  benignant  countenance.  My 
cheerful  spirits  returned  at  once,  and  in  sympathy  with 


A  GHOST  STORY.  24  ~ 

them  the  gas  flamed  up  brightly  again.  Never  a  lonel  v 
outcast  was  so  glad  to  welcome  company  as  I  was  to  greet 
the  friendly  giant.  I  said : 

"  Why,  is  it  nobody  but  you  ?  Do  you  know,  I  have 
been  scared  to  death  for  the  last  two  or  three  hours  ? 
I  am  most  honestly  glad  to  see  you.  I  wish  I  had  a 

chair .  Here,  here,  don't  try  to  sit  down  in  thai. 

thing ! " 

But  it  was  too  late.  He  was  in  it  before  I  could  stop 
him,  and  down  he  went — I  never  saw  a  chair  shivered 
so  in  my  life. 

"  Stop,  stop,  you'll  ruin  ev " 

Too  late  again.  There  was  another  crash,  and  another 
chair  was  resolved  into  its  original  elements. 

"  Confound  it,  haven't  you  got  any  judgment  at  all  ? 
Do  you  want  to  ruin  all  the  furniture  on  the  place  ?  Here, 
here,  you  petrified  fool- 
But  it  was  no  use.  Before  I  could  arrest  him  he  had 
sat  down  on  the  bed  and  it  was  a  melancholy  ruin. 

"  Now  what  sort  of  a  way  is  that  to  do  ?  First  you 
come  lumbering  about  the  place  bringing  a  legion  of  vaga 
bond  goblins  along  with  you  to  worry  me  to  death,  and 
then  when  I  overlook  an  indelicacy  of  costume  which 
would  not  be  tolerated  anywhere  by  cultivated  people  ex 
cept  in  a  respectable  theatre,  and  not  even  there  if  the 
nudity  were  of  your  sex,  you  repay  me  by  wrecking  all 
the  furniture  you  can  find  to  sit  down  on.  And  why  will 
you  ?  You  damage  yourself  as  much  as  you  do  me.  You 
have  broken  off  the  end  of  your  spinal  column,  and  littered 


246  SKETCHES   BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

up  the  floor  with  chips  off  your  hams  till  the  place  looks 
like  a  marble  yard.  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  your 
self — you  are  big  enough  to  know  better." 

"  Well,  I  will  not  break  any  more  furniture.  But  what 
am  I  to  do  ?  I  have  not  had  a  chance  to  sit  down  for  a 
century."  And  the  tears  came  into  his  eyes. 

"  Poor  devil/'  I  said,  "  I  should  not  have  been  so  harsh 
with  you.  And  you  are  an  orphan,  too,  no  doubt.  But 
sit  down  on  the  floor  here — nothing  else  can  stand  your 
weight — and  besides,  we  cannot  be  sociable  with  you  away 
up  there  above  me ,  I  want  you  down  where  I  can  perch 
on  this  high  counting-house  stool  and  gossip  with  you 
face  to  face." 

So  he  sat  down  on  the  floor,  and  lit  a  pipe  which  I  gave 
him,  threw  one  of  my  red  blankets  over  his  shoulders,  in 
verted  my  sitz-bath  on  his  head,  helmet  fashion,  and  made 
himself  picturesque  and  comfortable.  Then  he  crossed 
his  ankles,  while  I  renewed  the  fire,  and  exposed  the  flat, 
honey-combed  bottoms  of  his  prodigious  feet  to  the  grate 
ful  warmth. 

"  What  is  the  matter  with  the  bottom  of  your  feet  and 
the  back  of  your  legs,  that  they  are  gouged  up  so  ?" 

"  Infernal  chilblains — I  caught  them  clear  up  to  the 
back  of  my  head,  roosting  out  there  under  Ne well's  farm. 
But  I  love  the  place ;  I  love  it  as  one  loves  his  old  home. 
There  is  no  peace  for  me  like  the  peace  I  feel  when  I  am 
there." 

We  talked  along  for  half  an  hour,  and  then  I  noticed 
that  he  looked  tired,  and  spoke  of  it. 


A   GHOST  STORY.  247 

"  Tired  ?"  he  said.  "  Well  I  should  think  so.  And  now 
I  will  tell  you  all  about  it,  since  you  have  treated 
me  so  well.  I  am  the  spirit  of  the  Petrified  Man 
that  lies  across  the  street  there  in  the  Museum.  I 
am  the  ghost  of  the  Cardiff  Giant.  I  can  have 
no  rest,  no  peace,  till  they  have  given  that  poor  body 
burial  again.  Now  what  was  the  most  natural  thing  for 
me  to  do,  to  make  men  satisfy  this  wish  ?  Terrify  them 
into  it ! — haunt  the  place  where  the  body  lay  !  So  I  haunt 
ed  the  museum  night  after  mght.  I  even  got  other  spirits 
to  help  me.  But  it  did  no  good,  for  nobody  ever  came  to 
the  museum  at  midnight.  Then  it  occured  to  me  to  come 
over  the  way  and  haunt  this  place  a  little.  I  felt  that  if 
I  ever  got  a  hearing  I  must  succeed,  for  I  had  the  most 
efficient  company  that  perdition  could  furnish.  Night 
after  night  we  have  shivered  around  through  these  mil 
dewed  halls,  dragging  chains,  groaning,  whispering,  tramp 
ing  up  and  down  stairs,  till  to  tell  you  the  truth  I  am 
almost  worn  out  But  when  I  saw  a  light  in  your 
room  to-night  I  roused  my  energies  again  and  went  at 
it  with  a  deal  of  the  old  freshness.  But  I  am  tired  out — 
entirely  fagged  out.  Give  me,  I  beseech  you,  give  me 
some  hope ! " 

I  lit  off  my  perch  in  a  burst  of  excitement,  and  ex 
claimed  : 

"  This  transcends  everything  !  everything  that  ever  did 
occur !  Why  you  poor  blundering  old  fossil,  you  have 
had  all  your  trouble  for  nothing — you  have  been  haunt 
ing  a  plaster  cast  of  yourself — the  real  Cardiff  Giant  is 


248  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

in  Albany  !*  Confound  it,  don't  you  know  your  own 
remains  ?" 

I  never  saw  such  an  eloquent  look  of  shame,  of  pitiable 
humiliation,  overspread  a  countenance  before. 

The  Petrified  Man  rose  slowly  to  his  feet,  and  said : 

"  Honestly,  is  that  true  ?" 

"  As  true  as  I  am  sitting  here.''' 

He  took  the  pipe  from  his  mouth  and  laid  it  on  the 
mantel,  then  stood  irresolute  a  moment  (unconsciously, 
from  old  habit,  thrusting  his  hands  where  his  pantaloons 
pockets  should  have  been,  and  meditatively  dropping  his 
chin  on  his  breast),  and  finally  said : 

"Well — I  never  felt  so  absurd  before.  The  Petrified 
Man  has  sold  everybody  else,  and  now  the  mean  fraud 
has  ended  by  selling  its  own  ghost !  My  son,  if  there  is 
any  charity  left  in  your  heart  for  a  poor  friendless  phan 
tom  like  me,  don't  let  this  get  out.  Think  how  you  would 
feel  if  you  had  made  such  an  ass  of  yourself." 

I  heard  his  stately  tramp  die  away,  step  by  step  down 
the  stairs  and  out  into  the  deserted  street,  and  felt  sorry 
that  he  was  gone,  poor  fellow — and  sorrier  still  that  he 
had  carried  off  my  red  blanket  and  my  bath-tub. 

*  A  fact.  The  original  fraud  was  ingeniously  and  fraudfully  duplicated, 
and  exhibited  in  New  York  as  the  "only  genuine"  Cardiff  Giant,  (to  the 
unspeakable  disgust  of  the  owners  of  the  real  colossus, )  at  the  very  same  time 
that  the  latter  was  drawing  crowds  at  a  museum  in  Albany. 


THE  CAPITOLINE   VENUS.  249 


THE  CAPITOLINE  VENUS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

[Scene — An  Artist's  Studio  in  Rome.} 

,  George,  I  do  love  you !" 

"  Bless  your  dear  heart,  Mary,  I  know  that — why 
is  your  father  so  obdurate  ?" 

"  Georgy,  he  means  well,  but  art  is  folly  to  him — he  only 
understands  groceries.  He  thinks  you  would  starve  me." 

"  Confound  his  wisdom — it  savours  of  inspiration.  Why 
am  I  not  a  money-making,  bowelless  grocer,  instead  of  a 
divinely-gifted  sculptor  with  nothing  to  eat  ?" 

"  Do  not  despond,  George,  dear — all  his  prejudices  will 
fade  away  as  soon  as  you  shall  have  acquired  fifty  thous 
and  dol— " 

"Fifty  thousand  demons  !  Child,  I  am  in  arrears  for 
my  board !" 

CHAPTER   II. 

[Scene — A  Dvjdliny  in  Rome."] 

"My  dear  sir,  it  is  useless  to  talk.  I  haven't  anything 
against  you,  but  I  can't  let  my  daughter  marry  a  hash 
of  love,  art,  and  starvation — I  believe  you  have  nothing 
else  to  offer." 


250  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

"  Sir,  I  am  poor,  I  grant  you.  But  is  fame  nothing  ? 
The  Hon.  Bellamy  Foodie,  of  Arkansas,  says  that  my 
new  statue  of  America  is  a  clever  piece  of  sculpture,  and 
he  is  satisfied  that  my  name  will  one  day  be  famous." 

"  Bosh  !  What  does  that  Arkansas  ass  know  about  it  ? 
Fame's  nothing — the  market  price  of  your  marble  scare 
crow  is  the  thing  to  look  at.  It  took  you  six  months  to 
chisel  it,  and  you  can't  sell  it  for  a  hundred  dollars.  No, 
sir  !  Show  me  fifty  thousand  dollars  and  you  can  have 
my  daughter — otherwise  she  marries  young  Simper.  You 
have  just  six  months  to  raise  the  money  in.  Good  morn 
ing,  sir." 

"Alas!     Woe  is  me !" 

CHAPTER    III. 

[Scene— The  Studio.] 

"Oh,  John,  friend  of  my  boyhood,  I  am  the  unhappiest 
of  men." 

"  You're  a  simpleton  !" 

"  I  have  nothing  left  to  love  but  my  poor  statue  of 
America — and  see,  even  she  has  no  sympathy  for  me  in  her 
cold  marble  countenance — so  beautiful  and  so  heartless  I" 

"  You're  a  dummy !" 

"Oh,  John!" 

"  Oh,  fudge  !  Didn't  you  say  you  had  six  months  to 
raise  the  money  in  ?" 

"Don't  deride  my  agony,  John.  If  I  had  six  centuries 
what  good  would  it  do  ?  How  could  it  help  a  poor 
wretch  without  name,  capital  or  friends  ?" 


THE   CAPITOLINE  VENUS.  251 

"Idiot!  Coward!  Baby!  Six  months  to  raise  the 
money  in — and  five  will  do !" 

"  Are  you  insane  ?" 

"Six  months — an  abundance.  Leave  it  to  me.  I'll 
raise  it." 

"  What  do  you  mean,  John  ?  How  on  earth  can  you 
raise  such  a  monstrous  sum  for  me  ?" 

"  Will  you  let  that  be  my  business,  and  not  meddle  ? 
Will  you  leave  the  thing  in  my  hands  ?  Will  you  swear 
to  submit  to  whatever  I  do  ?  Will  you  pledge  me  to 
find  no  fault  with  my  actions  ?" 

"I  am  dizzy — bewildered — but  I  swear." 

John  took  up  a  hammer  and  deliberately  smashed  the 
nose  of  America  !  He  made  another  pass  and  two  of  her 
fingers  fell  to  the  floor — another,  and  part  of  an  ear  came 
away — another,  and  a  row  of  toes  was  mangled  and  dis 
membered — another,  and  the  left  leg,  from  the  knee 
down,  lay  a  fragmentary  ruin  ! 

John  put  on  his  hat  and  departed. 

George  gazed  speechless  upon  the  battered  and  gro 
tesque  nightmare  before  him  for  the  space  of  thirty 
seconds,  and  then  wilted  to  the  floor  and  went  into  con 
vulsions. 

John  returned  presently  with  a  carriage,  got  the  brok 
en-hearted  artist  and  the  broken-legged  statue  aboard, 
and  drove  off,  whistling  low  and  tranquilly.  He  left  the 
artist  at  his  lodgings,  and  drove  off  and  disappeared  down 
the  Via  Quirinalis  with  the  statue. 


252  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

CHAPTER  IV. 

[Scene— The  Studio.'] 

"  The  six  months  will  be  up  at  two  o'clock  to-day !  Oh, 
agony  !  My  life  is  blighted.  I  would  that  I  were  dead. 
I  had  no  supper  yesterday.  I  have  had  no  breakfast 
to-day.  I  dare  not  enter  an  eating-house.  And  hungry  ? — 
don't  mention  it !  My  bootmaker  duns  me  to  death — my 
tailor  duns  me — my  landlord  haunts  me.  I  am  miserable. 
I  haven't  seen  John  since  that  awful  day.  She  smiles  on 
me  tenderly  when  we  meet  in  the  great  thoroughfares, 
but  her  old  flint  of  a  father  makes  her  look  in  another 
direction  in  short  order.  Now  who  is  knocking  at  that 
door  ?  Who  is  come  to  persecute  me  ?  That  malignant 
villain,  the  bootmaker,  I'll  warrant.  Come  in  /" 

"  Ah,  happiness  attend  your  highness — Heaven  be  pro 
pitious  to  your  grace !  I  have  brought  my  lord's  new 
boots — ah,  say  nothing  about  the  pay,  there  is  no  hurry, 
none  in  the  world.  Shall  be  proud  if  my  noble  lord  will 
continue  to  honour  me  with  his  custom — ah,  adieu !" 

"Brought  the  boots  himself!  Don't  want  his  pay! 
Takes  his  leave  with  a  bow  and  a  scrape  fit  to  honour 
majesty  withal !  Desires  a  continuance  of  my  custom  ! 
Is  the  world  coming  to  an  end  ?  Of  all  the — come  in  /" 

"  Pardon,  signer,  but  I  have  brought  your  new  suit  of 
clothes  for " 

"  Come  in  !  /" 

"  A  thousand  pardons  for  this  intrusion,  your  worship  ! 
But  I  have  prepared  the  beautiful  suite  of  rooms  below 
for  you — this  wretched  den  is  but  ill  suited  to -" 


THE   CAPITOLINE   VENUS.  253 

"  Come  in  ! !  /" 

"  I  have  called  to  say  that  your  credit  in  our  bank, 
some  time  since  unfortunately  interrupted,  is  entirely  and 
most  satisfactorily  restored,  and  we  shall  be  most  happy 
if  you  will  draw  upon  us  for  any " 

"COME  IN!!!!" 

"  My  noble  boy,  she  is  yours !  She'll  be  here  in  a 
moment !  Take  her — marry  her — love  her — be  happy  ! 
God  bless  you  both  !  Hip,  hip,  hur " 

"  COME  IN  !!!!!" 

"  Oh,  George,  my  own  darling,  we  are  saved  !  " 

"  Oh,  Mary,  my  own  darling,  we  are  saved — but  I'll 
swear  I  don't  know  why  nor  how  ! " 


CHAPTER  V. 
[Scene— A    Roman  Cafe.] 

One  of  a  group  of  American  gentlemen  reads  and 
translates  from  the  weekly  edition  of  II  Slangwhanger 
di  Roma  as  follows : 

"  WONDERFUL  Disco VEBT  ! — Some  six  months  ago  Signor  John  Smitthe, 
an  American  gentleman  now  some  years  a  resident  of  Rome,  purchased  for 
a  trifle  a  small  piece  of  ground  in  the  Campagna,  just  beyond  the  tomb  of 
the  Scipio  family,  from  th.g  owner,  a  bankrupt  relative  of  the  Princess 
Borghese.  Mr  Smitthe  afterwards  went  to  the  minister  of  the  Public 
llecords  and  had  the  piece  of  ground  transferred  to  a  poor  American  artist 
named  George  Arnold,  explaining  that  he  did  it  as  payment  and  satisfaction 
for  pecuniary  damage  accidentally  done  by  him  long  since  upon  property 
belonging  to  Signor  Arnold,  and  further  observed  that  he  would  make  addi 
tional  satisfaction  by  improving  the  ground  for  Signor  A.,  at  his  own  charge 
and  cost  Four  weeks  ago,  while  making  some  necessary  excavations  upon 
the  property,  Siguor  Smitthe  unearthed  the  most  remarkable  ancient  statue 


254  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

that  has  ever  been  added  to  the  opulent  art  treasures  of  Rome.  It  was  an  ex 
quisite  figure  of  a  woman,  and  though  sadly  stained  by  the  soil  and  the  mould 
of  ages,  no  eye  can  look  unmoved  upon  its  ravishing  beauty.  The  nose,  the 
left  leg  from  the  knee  down,  an  ear,  and  also  the  toes  of  the  right  foot  and 
two  fingers  of  one  of  the  hands,  were  gone,  but  otherwise  the  noble  figure 
was  in  a  remarkable  state  of  preservation.  The  government  at  once  took 
military  possession  of  the  statue,  and  appointed  a  commission  of  art  critics, 
antiquaries  and  cardinal  princes  of  the  church  to  assess  its  value  and  deter 
mine  the  remuneration  that  must  go  to  the  owner  of  the  ground  in  which  it 
was  found.  The  whole  affair  was  kept  a  profound  secret  until  last  night. 
In  the  meantime  the  commission  sat  with  closed  doors,  and  deliberated. 
Last  night  they  decided  unanimously  that  the  statue  is  a  Venus,  and  the 
work  of  some  unknown  but  sublimely  gifted  artist  of  the  third  century  be 
fore  Christ.  They  consider  it  the  most  faultless  work  of  art  the  world  has 
any  knowledge  of. 

"  At  midnight  they  held  a  final  conference  and  decided  that  the  Venus 
was  worth  the  enormous  sum  of  ten  million  francs !  In  accordance  with 
Roman  law  and  Roman  usage,  the  government  being  half  owner  in  all 
works  of  art  found  in  the  Campagna,  the  State  has  naught  to  do  but  pay 
five  million  francs  to  Mr.  Arnold  and  take  permanent  possession  of  the 
beautiful  statue.  This  morning  the  Venus  will  be  removed  to  the  Capitol, 
there  to  remain,  and  at  noon  the  commission  will  wait  upon  Signor  Arnold 
with  His  Holiness  the  Pope's  order  upon  the  Treasury  for  the  princely  sum 
of  five  million  francs  in  gold." 

Chorus  of  Voices. — "Luck  !     It's  no  name  for  it !" 
Another  Voice. — "Gentlemen,  I  propose  that  we  imme 
diately  form  an  American  joint-stock   company   for  the 
purchase  of  lands  and  excavations  of  statues,  here,  with 

proper  connections  in  Wall  Street  to  bull  and  bear  the 
stock." 

All—"  Agreed!" 

CHAPTER   VI. 

[Scene — The  Roman  Capitol  Ten  Years  Later. j 

"  Dearest  Mary,  this  is  the  most  celebrated  statue  in 
the  world.  This  is  the  renowned  '  Capitoline  Venus  ' 


THE   CAPITOLINE   VENUS.  255 

you  have  heard  so  much  about.  Here  she  is  with  her 
little  blemishes  '  restored '  (that  is,  patched)  by  the  most 
noted  Roman  artists — and  the  mere  fact  that  they  did 
the  humble  patching  of  so  noble  a  creation  will  make 
their  names  illustrious  while  the  world  stands.  How 
strange  it  seems — this  place  !  The  day  before  I  last  stood 
here,  ten  happy  years  ago,  I  wasn't  a  rich  man — bless 
your  soul,  I  hadn't  a  cent.  And  yet  I  had  a  good  deal  to 
do  with  making  Rome  mistress  of  this  grandest  work  of 
ancient  art  the  world  contains." 

"  The  worshipped,  the  illustrious  Capitoline  Venus — and 
what  a  sum  she  is  valued  at  !  Ten  millions  of  francs  ?" 

"Yes — now  she  is." 

"  And  oh,  Georgy,  how  divinely  beautiful  she  is  ! " 

"  Ah,  yes — but  nothing  to  what  she  was  before  that 
blessed  John  Smith  broke  her  leg  and  battered  her  nose. 
Ingenious  Smith  : — gifted  Smith — noble  Smith  !  Author 
of  all  our  bliss  !  Hark  !  Do  you  know  what  that  wheeze 
means?  Mary,  that  cub  has  got  the  whooping  cough. 
Will  you  never  learn  to  take  care  of  the  children  !*' 

THE   END. 

The  Capitoline  Venus  is  still  in  the  Capitol  at  Rome, 
and  is  still  the  most  charming  and  most  illustrious  work 
of  ancient  art  the  world  can  boast  of.  But  if  ever  it  shall 
be  your  fortune  to  stand  before  it  and  go  into  the  custom 
ary  ecstacies  over  it,  don't  permit  this  true  and  secret 
history  of  its  origin  to  mar  your  bliss — and  when  you 

I 


25 C  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

read  about  a  gigantic  Petrified  Man  being  dug  up  near 
Syracuse,  in  the  State  of  New  York,  or  near  any  other 
place,  keep  your  own  counsel, — and  i£  the  Barnum  that 
buried  him  there  offers  to  sell  to  you  at  an  enormous 
sum,  don't  you  buy.  Send  him  to  the  Pope  ! 

NOTF. — The  above  sketch  was  written  at  the  time  the  famous  swindle  of 
the  "  Petrified  Giant "  was  the  sensation  of  the  day  in  the  United  States. 


SPEECH   ON   ACCIDENT    INSURANCE.  25 


SPEECH  ON  ACCIDENT  INSURANCE. 

DELIVEKED   IN    HARTFORD,  AT    A    DINNER  TO   CORNELIUS 
WALFORD,    OF    LONDON. 


ENTLEMEN :  I  am  glad  indeed  to  assist  in  welcom- 
VT  ing  the  distinguished  guest  of  this  occasion  to  a 
city  whose  fame  as  an  insurance  centre  has  extended  to 
all  lands,  and  given  us  the  name  of  being  a  quadruple 
band  of  brothers  working  sweetly  hand  in  hand,  —  the 
Colt's  arms  company  making  the  destruction  of  our  race 
easy  and  convenient,  our  life  insurance  citizens  paying 
for  the  victims  when  they  pass  away,  Mr.  Batterson  per 
petuating  their  memory  with  his  stately  monuments,  and 
our  fire  insurance  comrades  taking  care  of  their  hereafter. 
I  am  glad  to  assist  in  welcoming  our  guest — first,  because 
he  is  an  Englishman,  and  I  owe  a  heavy  debt  of  hospi 
tality  to  certain  of  his  fellow-countrymen  ;  and  secondly, 
because  he  is  in  sympathy  with  insurance  and  has  been 
the  means  of  making  other  men  cast  their  sympathies  in 
the  same  direction. 

Certainly  there  is  no  nobler  field  for  human  effort  than 
the  insurance  line  of  business — especially  accident  insur 
ance,  Ever  since  I  have  been  director  in  an  accident  in- 


258  SKETCHES   BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

surance  company  I  have  felt  that  I  am  a  better  man. 
Life  has  seemed  more  precious.  Accidents  have  assumed 
a  kindlier  aspect.  Distressing  special  providences  have 
lost  half  their  horror.  I  look  upon  a  cripple,  now,  with 
affectionate  interest — as  an  advertisement.  I  do  not  seem 
to  care  for  poetry  any  more.  I  do  not  care  for  politics 
— even  agriculture  does  not  excite  me.  But  to  me,  now, 
there  is  a  charm  about  a  railway  collision  that  is  un 
speakable. 

There  is  nothing  more  beneficent  than  accident  insur 
ance.  I  have  seen  an  entire  family  lifted  out  of  poverty 
and  into  affluence  by  the  simple  boon  of  a  broken  leg. 
I  have  had  people  come  to  me  on  crutches,  with  tears  in 
their  eyes,  to  bless  this  beneficent  institution.  In  all  my 
experience  of  life,  I  have  seen  nothing  so  seraphic  as  the 
look  that  comes  into  a  freshly  mutilated  man's  face  when 
he  feels  in  his  vest  pocket  with  his  remaining  hand  and 
finds  his  accident  ticket  all  right.  And  I  have  seen 
nothing  so  sad  as  the  look  that  came  into  another  splint 
ered  customer's  face,  when  he  found  he  couldn't  collect 
on  a  wooden  leg. 

I  will  remark  here,  by  way  of  advertisement,  that  the 
noble  charity  which  we  have  named  the  HARTFORD  AC 
CIDENT  INSURANCE  COMPANY,*  is  an  institution  which  is 
peculiarly  to  be  depended  upon.  A  man  is  bound  to 
prosper  who  gives  it  his  custom.  No  man  can  take  out 
a  policy  in  it  and  not  get  crippled  before  the  year  is  out. 
Now  there  was  one  indigent  man  who  had  been  disap- 


*  The  speaker  is  a  director  of  the  company  named. 


SPEECH   ON  ACCIDENT  INSURANCE.  259 

pointed  so  often  with  other  companies  that  he  had  grown 
disheartened,  his  appetite  left  him,  he  ceased  to  smile — 
said  life  was  but  a  weariness.  Three  weeks  ago  I  got 
him  to  insure  with  us,  and  now  he  is  the  brightest, 
happiest  spirit  in  this  land  —  has  a  good  steady  income 
and  a  stylish  suit  of  new  bandages  every  day,  and  travels 
around  on  a  shutter. 

I  will  say,  in  conclusion,  that  my  share  of  the  welcome 
to  our  guest  is  none  the  less  hearty  because  I  talk  so  much 
nonsense,  and  I  know  that  I  can  say  the  same  for  the 
rest  of  the  speakers. 


260  SKETCHES   Bi    MARK    TWAIN, 


JOHN  CHINAMAN  IN  NEW  YORK. 


\  S  I  passed  along  by  one  of  those  monster  American 
-£^-  tea-stores  in  New  York,  I  found  a  Chinaman  sitting 
before  it  acting  in  the  capacity  of  a  sign.  Everybody 
that  went  by  gave  him  a  steady  stare  as  long  as  their 
heads  would  twist  over  their  shoulders  without  danger  of 
dislocating  their  necks,  and  a  group  had  stopped  to  stare 
deliberately. 

Is  it  not  a  shame  that  we,  who  prate  so  much  about 
civilization  and  humanity  are  content  to  degrade  a  fellow- 
being  to  such  an  office  as  this  ?  Is  it  not  time  for  reflec 
tion  when  we  find  ourselves  willing  to  see  in  such  a  being, 
matter  for  frivolous  curiosity  instead  of  regret  and  grave 
reflection  ?  Here  was  a  poor  creature  whom  hard  fortune 
had  exiled  from  his  natural  home  beyond  the  seas,  and 
whose  troubles  ought  to  have  touched  these  idle  strangers 
th  at  thronged  about  him ;  but  did  it  ?  Apparently  not.  Men 
calling  themselves  the  superior  race,  the  race  of  culture  and 
of  gentle  blood,  scanned  his  quaint  Chinese  hat,  with  peak 
ed  roof  and  ball  on  top,  and  his  long  queue  dangling  down 
his  back;  his  short  silken  blouse,  curiously  frogged  and 
figured  (and  like  the  rest  of  his  raiment,  rusty,  dilapidat 
ed,  and  awkwardly  put  on) ;  his  blue  cotton,  tight-legged 


JOHN   CHINAMAN  IN   NEW   YORK.  96 1 

pants,  tied  close  around  the  ankles ;  and  his  clumsy  blunt- 
toed  shoes  with  thick  cork  soles  ;  and  having  so  scanned 
him  from  head  to  foot,  cracked  some  unseemly  joke  about 
his  outlandish  attire  or  his  melancholy  face  and  passed  on. 
In  my  heart  I  pitied  the  friendless  Mongol.  I  wondered 
what  was  passing  behind  his  sad  face,  and  what  distant 
scene  his  vacant  eye  was  dreaming  of.  Were  his  thoughts 
with  his  heart,  ten  thousand  miles  away,  beyond  the  bil 
lowy  wastes  of  the  Pacific  ?  among  the  rice-fields  and 
plumy  palms  of  China  ?  under  the  shadows  of  remembered 
mountain-peaks,  or  in  groves  of  bloomy  shrubs  and  strange 
forest  trees  unknown  to  climes  like  ours  ?  And  now  and 
then,  rippling  among  his  visions  and  his  dreams,  did  he 
hear  familiar  laughter  and  half-forgotten  voices,  and  did 
he  catch  fitful  glimpses  of  the  friendly  faces  of  a  bygone 
time?  A  cruel  fate  it  is,  I  said,  that  is  befallen  this 
bronzed  wanderer.  In  order  that  the  group  of  idlers 
might  be  touched  at  least  by  the  words  of  the  poor 
fellow,  since  the  appeal  of  his  pauper  dress  and  dreary 
exile  was  lost  upon  them,  I  touched  him  on  the  shoulder 
and  said — 

"  Cheer  up— don't  be  down-hearted.  It  is  not  America 
that  treats  you  in  this  way,  it  is  merely  one  citizen,  whose 
greed  of  gain  has  eaten  the  humanity  out  of  his  heart. 
America  has  a  broader  hospitality  for  the  exiled  and  op 
pressed.  America  and  Americans  are  always  ready  to 
help  the  unfortunate.  Money  shall  be  raised — you  shall 
go  back  to  China — you  shall  see  your  friends  again. 
What  wages  do  they  pay  you  here  ? " 


2G2  SKETCHES   BY   MAR  a:   TWAIN. 

"  Divil  a,  cint  but  four  dollars  a  week  and  ilnd 
hut  it's  aisy,  barrin  the  troublesome  f  urrin  clothes  that's 
so  expinsive." 

The  exile  remains  at  his  post.  The  New  York  tea-mer 
chants  who  need  picturesque  signs  are  not  likely  to  run 
out  of  Chinamen. 


HOW   I   EDITED   AN  AGRICULTURAL   PAPER.  263 


HOW  I  EDITED  AN  AGRICULTURAL  PAPER. 


I  DID  not  take  temporary  editorship  of  an  agricultural 
paper  without  misgivings.  Neither  would  a  landsman 
take  command  of  a  ship  without  misgivings.  But  I  was 
in  circumstances  that  made  the  salary  an  object.  The 
regular  editor  of  the  paper  was  going  off  for  a  holiday,  and 
I  accepted  the  terms  he  offered,  and  took  his  place. 

The  sensation  of  being  at  work  again  was  luxurious, 
and  I  wrought  all  the  week  with  unflagging  pleasure. 
We  went  to  press,  and  I  waited  a  day  with  some  solici 
tude  to  see  whether  my  effort  was  going  to  attract  any 
notice.  As  I  left  the  office,  toward  sundown,  a  group  of 
men  and  boys  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs  dispersed  with  one 
impulse,  and  gave  me  passage-way,  and  I  heard  one  or 
two  of  them  say  :  "  That's  him !  "  I  was  naturally 
pleased  with  this  incident.  The  next  morning  I  found  a 
similar  group  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  and  scattering 
couples  and  individuals  standing  here  and  there  in  the 
street,  and  over  the  way,  watching  me  with  interest. 
The  group  separated  and  fell  back  as  I  approached,  and  I 
heard  a  man  say,  "  Look  at  his  eye  !  "  I  pretended  not 
to  observe  the  notice  I  was  attracting,  but  secretly  I  was 
pleased  with  it,  and  was  purposing  to  write  an  account  of 


264  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

it  to  my  aunt.  I  went  up  the  short  flight  of  stairs,  and 
heard  cheery  voices  and  a  ringing  laugh  as  I  drew  near 
the  door,  which  I  opened,  and  caught  a  glimpse  of  two 
young  rural-looking  men,  whose  faces  blanched  and 
lengthened  when  they  saw  me,  and  then  they  both  plunged 
through  the  window  with  a  great  crash.  1  was  surprised. 

In  about  half  an  hour  an  old  gentleman,  with  a  flowing 
beard  and  a  fine  but  rather  austere  face,  entered  and  sat 
down  at  my  invitation.  He  seemed  to  have  something 
on  his  mind.  He  took  off  his  hat  and  set  it  on  the  floor, 
and  got  out  of  it  a  red  silk  handkerchief  and  a  copy  of  our 
paper. 

He  put  the  paper  on  his  lap,  and  while  he  polished 
his  spectacles  with  his  handkerchief,  he  said,  "  Are  you 
the  new  editor  ? " 

I  said  I  was. 

"  Have  you  ever  edited  an  agricultural  paper  before  ? " 

"  No,"  I  said  ;  "  this  is  my  first  attempt." 

"  Very  likely.  Have  you  had  any  experience  in  agri 
culture  practically  ? " 

"  No ;  I  believe  I  have  not." 

"  Some  instinct  told  me  so,"  said  the  old  gentleman, 
putting  on  his  spectacles,  and  looking  over  them  at  me 
with  asperity,  while  he  folded  his  paper  into  a  convenient 
shape.  "  I  wish  to  read  you  what  must  have  made  me 
have  that  instinct.  It  was  this  editorial.  Listen,  and  see 
if  it  was  you  that  wrote  it  : — 

"Turnips  should  never  be  pulled,  it  injures  them.  It  is  much  better  to 
send  a  boy  up  and  let  him  shake  the  tree." 


HOW  I  EDITED  AN  AGRICULTURAL  PAPER.     205 

"  Now,  what  do  you  think  of  that  ? — for  I  really  sup 
pose  you  wrote  it  ? " 

11  Think  of  it  ?  Why,  I  think  it  is  good.  I  think  it  is 
sense.  I  have  no  doubt  that  every  year  millions  and 
millions  of  bushels  of  turnips  are  spoiled  in  this  township 
alone  by  being  pulled  in  a  half -ripe  condition,  when,  if 
they  had  sent  a  boy  up  to  shake  the  tree" — 

"  Shake  your  grandmother !  Turnips  don't  grow  on 
trees !" 

"  Oh,  they  don't,  don't  they  ?  Well,  who  said  they  did  ? 
The  language  was  intended  to  be  figurative,  wholly  figu 
rative.  Anybody  that  knows  anything  will  know  that  I 
meant  that  the  boy  should  shake  the  vine." 

Then  this  old  person  got  up  and  tore  his  paper  all  into 
small  shreds,  and  stamped  on  them,  and  broke  several 
things  with  his  cane,  and  said  I  did  not  know  as  much 
as  a  cow ;  and  then  went  out  and  banged  the  door  after 
him,  and,  in  short,  acted  in  such  a  way  that  I  fancied  he 
was  displeased  about  something.  But  not  knowing  what 
the  trouble  was,  I  could  not  be  any  help  to  him. 

Pretty  soon  after  this  a  long  cadaverous  creature,  with 
lanky  locks  hanging  down  to  his  shoulders,  and  a  week's 
stubble  bristling  from  the  hills  and  valleys  of  his  face, 
darted  within  the  door,  and  halted,  motionless,  with  finger 
on  lip,  and  head  and  body  bent  irf  listening  attitude.  No 
sound  was  heard.  Still  he  listened.  No  sound.  Then 
he  turned  the  key  in  the  door,  and  came  elaborately  tip 
toeing  toward jne  till  he  was  within  long  reaching  dis 
tance  of  me,  when  he  stopped,  and  after  scanning  my  face 


SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 


with  intense  interest  for  a  while,  drew  a  folded  copy  of 
our  paper  from  his  bosom,  and  said — 

"  There,  you  wrote  that.  Read  it  to  me — quick !  Re 
lieve  me.  I  suffer." 

I  read  as  follows ;  and  as  the  sentences  fell  from  my 
lips  I  could  see  the  relief  come,  I  could  see  the  drawn 
muscles  relax,  and  the  anxiety  go  out  of  the  face,  and  rest 
and  peace  steal  over  the  features  like  the  merciful  moon 
light  over  a  desolate  landscape : 

"The  guano  is  a  fine  bird,  but  great  care  is  necessary  in  rearing  it.  It 
should  not  be  imported  earlier  than  June  or  later  than  September.  In  the 
winter  it  should  be  kept  in  a  warm  place,  where  it  can  hatch  out  its 
young. 

"It  is  evident  that  we  are  to  have  a  backward  season  for  grain.  There 
fore  it  will  be  well  for  the  farmer  to  begin  setting  out  his  cornstalks  and 
planting  his  buckwheat  cakes  in  July  instead  of  August. 

"  Concerning  the  pumpkin. — This  berry  is  a  favourite  with  the  natives  of 
the  interior  of  New  England,  who  prefer  it  to  the  gooseberry  for  the  making 
of  fruit-cake,  and  who  likewise  give  it  the  preference  over  the  raspberry  for 
feeding  cows,  as  being  more  filling  and  fully  as  satisfying.  The  pumpkin 
is  the  only  esculent  of  the  orange  family  that  will  thrive  in  the  North,  ex 
cept  the  gourd  and  one  or  two  varieties  of  the  squash.  But  the  custom  of 
planting  it  in  the  front  yard  with  the  shrubbery  is  fast  going  out  of  vogue, 
for  it  is  now  generally  conceded  that  the  pumpkin  as  a  shade  tree  is  a 
failure. 

"Now,  as  the  warm  weather  approaches,  and  the  ganders  begin  to 
spawn " 

The  excited  listener  sprang  toward  me  to  shake  hands, 
and  said — 

"  There,  there — I  know  I  am  all  right  now,  because  you 
have  read  it  just  as  I  did,  word  for  word.  But,  stranger, 
when  I  read  it  this  morning,  I  said  to  myself,  I  never, 
never  believed  it  before,  notwithstanding  my  friends  kept 


HOW   I   EDITED   AN   AGRICULTURAL   PAPER.  207 

me  under  watch  so  strict,  but  now  I  believe  I  am  crazy  ; 
and  with  that  I  fetched  a  how1,  that  you  might  have 
heard  two  miles, and  started  out  to  kill  somebody — because, 
you  know,  I  knew  it  would  come  to  that  sooner  or  later, 
and  so  I  might  as  well  begin.  I  read  one  of  them  para 
graphs  again,  so  as  to  be  certain,  and  then  I  burned  my 
house  down  and  started.  I  have  crippled  several  people, 
and  have  got  one  fellow  up  a  tree,  where  I  can  get  him 
if  I  want  him.  But  I  thought  I  would  call  in  here  as  I 
passed  along  and  make  the  thing  perfectly  certain  ;  and 
now  it  is  certain,  and  I  tell  you  it  is  lucky  for  the  chap 
that  is  in  the  tree.  I  should  have  killed  him,  sure,  as  I 
went  back.  Good-bye,  sir.  good-bye ;  you  have  taken  a 
great  load  off  my  mind.  My  reason  has  stood  the  strain 
of  one  of  your  agricultural  articles,  and  I  know  that  noth 
ing  can  ever  unseat  it  now.  Good-bye,  sir." 

I  felt  a  little  uncomfortable  about  the  cripplings  and 
arsons  this  person  had  been  entertaining  himself  with, 
for  I  could  nob  help  feeling  remotely  accessory  to  them. 
But  these  thoughts  were  quickly  banished,  for  the  regular 
editor  walked  in !  [I  thought  to  myself,  Now  if  you  had 
gone  to  Egypt  as  I  recommended  you  to,  I  might  have 
had  a  chance  to  get  my  hand  in  ;  but  you  wouldn't  do  it, 
and  here  you  are.  I  sort  of  expected  you.] 

The  editor  was  looking  sad  and  perplexed  and  de- 
'ected. 

He  surveyed  the  wreck  which  the  old  rioter  and  those 
two  young  farmers  had  made,  and  then  said,  "  This  is  a  sad 
business — a  very  sad  business.  There  is  the  mucilage 


268  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

bottle  broken,  and  six  panes  of  glass,  and  a  spittoon  and 
two  candlesticks.  But  that  is  not  the  worst.  The  repu 
tation  of  the  paper  is  injured — and  permanently,  I  fear. 
True,  there  never  was  such  a  call  for  the  paper  before, 
and  it  never  sold  such  a  large  edition  or  soared  to  such 
celebrity ; — but  does  one  want  to  be  famous  for  lunacy, 
and  prosper  upon  the  infirmities  of  his  mind  ?  My  friend, 
as  I  am  an  honest  man,  the  street  out  here  is  full  of  peo 
ple,  and  others  are  roosting  on  the  fences,  waiting  to  get 
a  glimpse  of  you,  because  they  think  you  are  crazy.  And 
well  they  might  after  reading  your  editorials.  They  are 
a  disgrace  to  journalism.  Why,  what  put  it  into  your 
head  that  you  could  edit  a  paper  of  this  nature  ?  You 
do  not  seem  to  know  the  first  rudiments  of  agriculture, 
You  speak  of  a  furrow  and  a  harrow  as  being  the  same 
thing ;  you  talk  of  the  moulting  season  for  cows ;  and 
you  recommend  the  domestication  of  the  pole-cat  on  ac 
count  of  its  playfulness  and  its  excellence  as  a  ratter ! 
Your  remark  that  clams  will  lie  quiet  if  music  be  played 
to  them  was  superfluous — entirely  superfluous.  Nothing 
disturbs  clams.  Clams  always  lie  quiet.  Clams  care 
nothing  whatever  about  music.  Ah,  heavens  and  earth, 
friend  !  if  you  had  made  the  acquiring  of  ignorance  the 
study  of  your  life,  you  could  not  have  graduated  with 
higher  honour  than  you  could  to-day.  I  never  saw  any 
thing  like  it.  Your  observation  that  the  horse-cljcstr.ui 
as  an  article  of  commerce  is  steadily  gaining  in  favour,  is 
simply  calculated  to  destroy  this  journal.  I  want  you 
to  throw  up  your  situation  and  go.  I  want  no  moro 


HOW  I  EDITED  AN  AGRICULTURAL  PAPER.     260 

holiday — I  could  not  enjoy  it  if  I  had  it.  Certainly  not 
with  you  in  my  chair.  I  would  always  stand  in  dread 
of  what  you  might  be  going  to  recommend  next.  It 
makes  me  lose  all  patience  every  time  I  think  of  your 
discussing  oyster-beds  under  the  head  of  'Landscape 
Gardening.'  I  want  you  to  go.  Nothing  on  earth  could 
persuade  me  to  take  another  holiday.  Oh  !  why  didn't 
you  tell  me  you  didn't  know  anything  about  agri 
culture  ? " 

"  Tell  you,  you  cornstalk,  you  cabbage,  you  son  of  a 
cauliflower  ?  It's  the  first  time  I  ever  heard  such  an  un 
feeling  remark.  I  tell  you  I  have  been  in  the  editorial 
business  going  on  fourteen  years,  and  it  is  the  first  time 
I  ever  heard  of  a  man's  having  to  know  anything  in 
order  to  edit  a  newspaper.  You  turnip !  Who  write 
the  dramatic  critiques  for  second-rate  papers  ?  Why,  a 
parcel  of  promoted  shoemakers  and  apprentice  apothe 
caries,  who  know  just  as  much  about  good  acting  as  I  do 
about  good  farming  and  no  more.  Who  review  the  books  ? 
People  who  never  wrote  one.  Who  do  up  the  heavy 
leaders  on  finance  ?  Parties  who  have  had  the  largest 
opportunities  for  knowing  nothing  about  it.  Who  criti 
cise  the  Indian  campaigns  ?  Gentlemen  who  do  not 
know  a  war-whoop  from  a  wigwam,  and  who  never  have 
had  to  run  a  foot-race  with  a  tomahawk,  or  pluck  arrows 
out  of  the  several  members  of  the  family  to  build  the 
evening  camp-fire  with.  Who  write  the  temperance  ap 
peals  and  clamour  about  the  flowing  bowl  ?  Folk  who 
will  never  draw  another  sober  breath  till  they  do  it  in 


270  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

the  grave.  Who  edit  the  agricultural  papers,  you — yam  < 
Men,  as  a  general  thing,  who  fail  in  the  poetry  line,  yellow 
coloured  novel  line,  sensation-drama  line,  city-editor  line, 
and  finally  fall  back  on  agriculture  as  a  temporary  re 
prieve  from  the  poorhouse.  You  try  to  tell  me  anything 
about  the  newspaper  business  !  Sir,  I  have  been  through 
it  from  Alpha  to  Omaha,  and  1  tell  you  that  the  less  a 
man  knows  the  bigger  the  noise  he  makes  and  the  higher 
the  salary  lie  commands.  Heaven  knows  if  I  had  been 
ignorant  instead  of  cultivated,  and  impudent  instead  of 
diffident.  I  could  have  made  a  name  for  myself  in  this 
cold  selfish  world.  1  take  my  leave,  sir.  Since  I  have 
been  treated  as  you  have  treated  me,  I  am  perfectly  will 
ing  to  go.  But  I  have  done  my  duty.  I  have  fulfilled 
my  contract  as  far  as  I  was  permitted  to  do  it.  I  said  I 
could  make  your  paper  of  interest  to  all  classes  —  and  I 
have.  1  said  I  could  run  your  circulation  up  to  twenty 
thousand  copies,  and  if  I  had  had  two  more  weeks  I'd 
have  done  it.  And.  I'd  have  given  you  the  best  class  of 
readers  that  ever  an  agricultural  paper  had — not  a  farmer 
in  it,  nor  a  solitary  individual  who  could  tell  a  water 
melon  tree  from  a  peach- vine  to  save  his  life.  You  are 
the  loser  by  this  rupture,  not  me,  Pie-plant.  Adios." 
I  then  left. 


THE   PETRIFIED   MAN.  271 


THE  PETRIFIED  MAN. 


NOW,  to  show  how  really  hard  it  is  to  foist  a  moral  or 
a  truth  upon  an  unsuspecting  public  through  a  bur 
lesque  without  entirely  and  absurdly  missing  one's  mark, 
I  will  here  set  down  two  experiences  of  my  own  in  this 
thing.  In  the  fall  of  1862,  in  Nevada  and  California,  the 
people  got  to  running  wild  about  extraordinary  petrifica- 
tions  and  other  natural  marvels.  One  could  scarcely  pick 
up  a  paper  without  finding  in  it  one  or  two  glorified  dis 
coveries  of  this  kind.  The  mania  was  becoming  a  little 
ridiculous.  I  was  a  bran-new  local  editor  in  Virginia  City, 
and  I  felt  called  upon  to  destroy  this  growing  evil ;  we  all 
have  our  benignant  fatherly  moods  at  one  time  or  another, 
I  suppose.  I  chose  to  kill  the  petrifaction  mania  with  a 
delicate,  a  very  delicate  satire.  But  maybe  it  was  alto 
gether  too  delicate,  for  nobody  ever  perceived  the  satire 
part  of  it  at  all.  I  put  my  scheme  in  the  shape  of  the  dis 
covery  of  a  remarkably  petrified  man. 

I  had  had  a  temporary  falling  out  with  Mr. , 

the  new  coroner  and  justice  of  the  peace  of  Humboldt,  and 
thought  I  might  touch  him  up  a  little  at  the  same  time 
and  make  him  ridiculous,  and  thus  combine  pleasure  with 


272  SKETCHES  BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

business.  So  I  told,  in  patient,  belief-compelling  detail,  all 
about  the  finding  of  a  petrified  man  at  Gravelly  Ford 
(exactly  a  hundred  and  twenty  miles,  over  a  breakneck 
mountain  trail,  from  where lived) ;  how  all  the  sa 
vants  of  the  immediate  neighbourhood  had  been  to  ex 
amine  it  (it  was  notorious  that  there  was  not  a  living 
creature  within  fifty  miles  of  there,  except  a  few  starving 
Indians,  some  crippled  grasshoppers,  and  four  or  five  buz 
zards  out  of  meat  and  too  feeble  to  get  away) ;  how  those 
savants  all  pronounced  the  petrified  man  to  have  been  in 
a  state  of  complete  petrification  for  over  ten  generations  ; 
and  then,  with  a  seriousness  that  I  ought  to  have  been 

ashamed  to  assume,  I  stated  that  as  soon  as  Mr. heard 

the  news  he  summoned  a  jury,  mounted  his  mule,  and 
posted  off,  with  noble  reverence  for  official  duty,  on  that 
awful  five  days'  journey,  through  alkali,  sage-brush,  peril 
of  body,  and  imminent  starvation,  to  hold  an  inquest  on 
this  man  that  had  been  dead  and  turned  to  everlasting 

o 

stone  for  more  than  three  hundred  years  !  And  then  my 
hand  being  "  in,"  so  to  speak,  I  went  on  with  the  same 
unflinching  gravity,  to  state  that  the  jury  returned  a  ver 
dict  that  deceased  came  to  his  death  from  protracted  ex 
posure.  This  only  moved  me  to  higher  flights  of  imagin 
ation,  and  I  said  that  the  jury,  with  that  charity  so 
characteristic  of  pioneers,  then  dug  a  grave  and  were  about 
to  give  the  petrified  man  Christian  burial,  when  they 
found  that  for  ages  a  limestone  sediment  had  been  trick 
ling  down  the  face  of  the  stone  against  which  he  was  sit 
ting,  and  this  stuff  had  run  under  him  and  cemented  him 


THE   PETRIFIED  MAN.  273 

fast  to  the  "  bed-rock ;"  that  the  jury  (they  were  all  silver 
miners)  canvassed  the  difficulty  a  moment  and  then  got 
out  their  powder  and  fuse,  and  proceeded  to  drill  a  hole 
under  him,  in  order  to  blast  him  from  his  position,  when 
Mr. ,  "  with  that  delicacy  so  characteristic  of  him,  for 
bade  them,  observing  that  it  would  be  little  less  than  sac 
rilege  to  do  such  a  thing." 

From  beginning  to  end  the  "  petrified  man "  was  a 
string  of  roaring  absurdities,  albeit  they  were  told  with 
an  Unfair  pretence  of  truth  that  even  imposed  upon  me 
to  some  extent,  and  I  was  in  some  danger  of  believing  in 
my  own  fraud.  But  I  really  had  no  desire  to  deceive 
anybody,  and  no  expectation  of  doing  it.  I  depended  on 
the  way  the  petrified  man  was  sitting  to  explain  to  the 
public  that  he  was  a  swindle.  Yet  I  purposely  mixed 
that  up  with  other  things,  hoping  to  make  it  obscure — 
and  I  did.  I  would  describe  the  position  of  one  foot, 
and  then  say  his  right  thumb  was  against  the  side  of  his 
nose ;  then  talk  about  his  other  foot,  and  presently  come 
back  and  say  the  fingers  of  his  right  hand  were  spread 
apart ;  then  talk  about  the  back  his  head  a  little,  then 
return  and  say  the  left  thumb  was  hooked  into  the  right 
little  finger  ;  then  ramble  off  about  something  else,  and 
by  and  by  drift  back  again  and  remark  that  the  fingers  of 
the  left  hand  were  spread  like  those  of  the  right.  But 
it  was  too  ingenious.  I  mixed  it  up  rather  too  much ; 
and  so  all  that  description  of  the  attitude,  as  a  key 
to  the  humbuggery  01  the  article,  was  entirely  lost,  for 
lobody  but  me  ever  discovered  and  comprehended  the 


274  SKETCHES  BY   MARK  TWAIN. 

peculiar  and  suggestive  position  of  the  petrified  man's 
hands. 

As  a  satire  on  the  petrifaction  mania,  or  anything  else, 
my  Petrified  Man  was  a  disheartening  failure  ;  for  every 
body  received  him  in  innocent  good  faith,  and  I  was  stun 
ned  to  see  the  creature  I  had  begotten  to  pull  down  the 
wonder-business  with,  and  bring  derision  upon  it,  calmly 
exalted  to  the  grand  chief  place  in  the  list  of  the  genuine 
marvels  our  Nevada  had  produced.  I  was  so  disappoint 
ed  at  the  curious  miscarriage  of  my  scheme,  that  at  first 
I  was  angry,  and  did  not  like  to  think  about  it ;  but  by 
and  by;  when  the  exchanges  began  to  come  in  with  the 
Petrified  Man  copied  and  guilelessly  glorified,  I  began  to 
feel  a  soothing  secret  satisfaction ;  and  as  my  gentleman's 
field  of  travels  broadened,  and  by  the  exchanges  I  saw 
that  he  steadily  and  implacably  penetrated  territory  after 
territory,  State  after  State,  and  land  after  land,  till  he 
swept  the  great  globe  and  culminated  in  sublime  and  un- 
impeached  legitimacy  in  the  august  London  Lancet,  my 
cup  was  full,  and  I  said  I  was  glad  I  had  done  it.  I 
think  that  for  about  eleven  months,  as  nearly  as  I  can 

remember,   Mr.  's    daily  mail-bag  continued  to  be 

swollen  by  the  addition  of  half  a  bushel  of  newspapers 
hailing  from  many  climes  with  the  Petrified  Man  in 
them,  marked  around  with  a  prominent  belt  of  ink.  I 
sent  them  to  him.  I  did  it  for  spite,  not  for  fun.  He 
used  to  shovel  them  into  his  back  yard  and  curse.  And 
every  day  during  all  those  months  the  miners,  his  con 
stituents  (for  miners  never  quit  joking  a  person  when 


THE   PETEIFIED   MAN.  275 

they  get  started),  would  call  on  him  and  ask  if  he  could 
tell  them  where  they  could  get  hold  of  a  paper  with  the 
Petrified  Man  in  it.  He  could  have  accomodated  a  con 
tinent  with  them.  I  hated in  those  days,  and  these 

things  pacified  me  and  pleased  me.  I  could  not  have 
gotten  more  real  comfort  out  of  him  without  killing  him. 


276  SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAIN. 


MY  BLOODY  MASSACRE. 


THE  other  burlesque  I  have  referred  to  was  my  fine 
satire  upon  the  financial  expedient  of  "  cooking 
dividends,"  a  thing  which  became  shamefully  frequent  on 
the  Pacific  coast  for  a  while.  Once  more,  in  my 
self-complacent  simplicity,  I  felt  that  the  time  had  arriv 
ed  for  me  to  rise  up  and  be  a  reformer.  I  put  this  re 
formatory  satire  in  the  shape  of  a  fearful  "  Massacre  at 
Empire  City."  The  San  Francisco  papers  were  making  a 
great  outcry  about  the  iniquity  of  the  Daney  Silver-Min 
ing  Company,  whose  directors  had  declared  a  "  cooked " 
or  false  dividend,  for  the  purpose  of  increasing  the  value 
of  their  stock,  so  that  they  could  sell  out  at  a  comfortable 
figure,  and  then  scramble  from  under  the  tumbling  con 
cern.  And  while  abusing  the  Daney,  those  papers  did 
not  forget  to  urge  the  public  to  get  rid  of  all  their  silver 
stocks  and  invest  in  sound  and  safe  San  Francisco  stocks, 
such  as  the  Spring  Valley  Water  Company,  etc.  But 
right  at  this  unfortunate  juncture,  behold  the  Spring 
Valley  cooked  a  dividend  too  !  And  so,  under  the  insidi 
ous  mask  of  an  invented  "  bloody  massacre,"  I  stole  upon 
the  public  unawares  with  my  scathing  satire  upon  the 
dividend-cooking  system,  In  about  half  a  column  of  im- 


MY  BLOODY  MASSACRE.  277 

aginary  human  carnage  I  told  how  a  citizen  had  murdered 
his  wife  and  nine  children,  and  then  committed  suicide. 
And  I  said  slyly,  at  the  bottom,  that  the  sudden  madness 
of  which  this  melancholy  massacre  was  the  result,  had 
been  brought  about  by  his  having  allowed  himself  to  be 
persuaded  by  the  California  papers  to  sell  his  sound  and 
lucrative  Nevada  silver  stocks,  and  buy  into  Spring  Valley 
just  in  time  to  get  cooked  along  with  that  company's 
fancy  dividend,  and  sink  every  cent  he  had  in  the 
world. 

Ah,  it  was  a  deep,  deep  satire,  and  most  ingeniously 
contrived.  But  I  made  the  horrible  details  so  carefully 
and  conscientiously  interesting  that  the  public  devoured 
them  greedily,  and  wholly  overlooked  the  following  dis 
tinctly-stated  facts,  to  wit  : — The  murderer  was  perfectly 
well  known  to  every  creature  in  the  land  as  a  bachelor. 
and  consequently  he  could  not  murder  his  wife  and  nine 
children  ;  he  murdered  them  "  in  his  splendid  dressed- 
stone  mansion  just  in  the  edge  of  the  great  pine  forest 
between  Empire  City  and  Dutch  Nick's,"  when  even  the 
very  pickled  oysters  that  came  on  our  tables  knew  thaj 
there  was  not  a  "  dressed-stone  mansion  "  in  all  Nevada 
Territory  ;  also  that,  so  far  from  there  being  a  "great 
pine  forest  between  Empire  City  and  Dutch  Nick's,"  there 
wasn't  a  solitary  tree  within  fifteen  miles  of  either  place; 
and,  finally,  it  was  patent  and  notorious  that  Empire 
City  and  Dutch  Nick's  were  one  and  the  same  place,  and 
contained  only  six  houses  anyhow,  and  consequently 
there  could  be  no  forest  between  them  ;  and  on  top  of  all 


278  SKETCHES   BY    MARK   TWAIN. 

I 

these  absurdities  I  stated  that  this  diabolical  murderer, 
after  inflicting  a  wound  upon  himself  that  the  reader 
ought  to  have  seen  would  kill  an  elephant  in  the  twink 
ling  of  an  eye,  jumped  on  his  horse  and  rode  four  miles, 
waving  his  wife's  reeking  scalp  in  the  air,  and  thus  per 
forming  entered  Carson  City  with  tremendous  eclat,  and 
dropped  dead  in  front  of  the  chief  saloon,  the  envy  and 
admiration  of  all  beholders. 

Well,  in  all  my  life  I  never  saw  anything  like  the 
sensation  that  little  satire  created.  It  was  the  talk  of 
the  town,  it  was  the  talk  of  the  Territory,  Most  of  the 
citizens  dropped  gently  into  it  at  breakfast,  and  they 
never  finished  their  meal.  There  was  something  about 
those  minutely  faithful  details  that  was  a  sufficing  sub 
stitute  for  food.  Few  people  that  were  able  to  read  took 
food  that  morning.  Dan  and  I  (Dan  was  my  reportorial 
associate)  took  our  seats  on  either  side  of  our  customary 
table  in  the  "  Eagle  Restaurant,"  and,  as  I  unfolded  the 
shred  they  used  to  call  a  napkin  in  that  establishment, 
I  saw  at  the  next  table  two  stalwart  innocents  with  that 
sort  of  vegetable  dandruff  sprinkled  about  their  clothing 
which  was  the  sign  and  evidence  that  they  were  in  from 
the  Truckee  with  a  load  of  hay.  The  one  facing  me  had 
the  morning  paper  folded  to  a  long  narrow  strip,  and  I 
knew,  without  any  telling,  that  that  strip  represented  the 
column  that  contained  my  pleasant  financial  satire  From 
the  way  he  was  excitedly  mumbling,  I  saw  that  the  heed 
less  son  of  a  hay-mow  was  skipping  with  all  his  might, 
in  order  to  get  to  the  bloody  details  as  quickly  as  possi- 


MY   BLOODY   MASSACRE.  279 

ble  ;  and  so  he  was  missing  the  guideboards  I  had  set  up 
to  warn  him  that  the  whole  thing  was  a  fraud.  Present 
ly  his  eyes  spread  wide  open,  just  as  his  jaws  swung 
asunder  to  take  in  a  potato  approaching  it  on  a  fork ;  the 
potato  halted,  the  face  lit  up  redly,  and  the  whole  man 
was  on  fire  with  excitement.  Then  he  broke  into  a  dis- 
'ointed  checking  off  of  the  particulars — his  potato  cooling 
in  mid-air  meantime,  and  his  mouth  making  a  reach  for 
it  occasionally,  but  always  bringing  up  suddenly  against 
a  new  and  still  more  direful  performance  of  my  hero. 
At  last  he  looked  his  stunned  and  rigid  comrade  impres 
sively  in  the  face,  and  said,  with  an  expression  of  concen 
trated  awe — 

"  Jim,  he  b'iled  his  baby,  and  he  took  the  old  'oman's 
skelp.  Cuss'd  if  I  want  any  breakfast ! " 

And  he  laid  his  lingering  potato  reverently  down,  and 
he  and  his  friend  departed  from  the  restaurant  empty 
but  satisfied. 

He  never  got  down  to  where  the  satire  part  of  it  began. 
Nobody  ever  did.  They  found  the  thrilling  particulars 
sufficient.  To  drop  in  with  a  poor  little  moral  at  the  fag- 
end  of  such  a  gorgeous  massacre,  was  to  follow  the  ex 
piring  sun  with  a  candle,  and  hope  to  attract  the  world's 
attention  to  it. 

The  idea  that  anybody  could  ever  take  my  massacre 
for  a  genuine  occurrence  never  once  suggested  itself  to 
me,  hedged  about  as  it  was  by  all  those  tell-tale  absurdities 
and  impossibilities  concerning  the  "  great  pine  forest,"  the 
"  dressed-stone  mansion,"  etc.  But  I  found  out  then,  and 


280  SKETCHES  BY    MAKK  TWAIN. 

never  have  forgotten  since,  that  we  never  read  the  dull 
explanatory  surroundings  of  marvellously  exciting  things 
when  we  have  no  occasion  to  suppose  some  irresponsible 
scribbler  is  trying  to  defraud  us ;  we  skip  all  that,  and 
hasten  to  revel  in  the  blood-curdling  particulars  and  be 
happy, 


CONCERNING   CHAMBERMAIDS.  28] 


CONCERNING  CHAMBERMAIDS. 


A  GAINST  all  chambermaids,  of  whatsoever  age  or  na- 
£*•  tionality,  I  launch  the  curse  of  bachelordom  !  Because : 

They  always  put  the  pillows  at  the  opposite  end  of  the 
bed  from  the  gas-burner,  so  that  while  you  read  and 
smoke  before  sleeping  (as  is  the  ancient  and  honoured 
custom  of  bachelors),  you  have  to  hold  your  book  aloft 
in  an  uncomfortable  position,  to  keep  the  light  from  daz 
zling  your  eyes. 

When  they  find  the  pillows  removed  to  the  other  end 
of  the  bed  in  the  morning,  they  receive  not  the  suggest 
ion  in  a  friendly  spirit ;  but,  glorying  in  their  absolute 
sovereignty,  and  unpitying  your  helplessness,  they  make 
the  bed  just  as  it  was  originally,  and  gloat  in  secret  over 
the  pang  their  tyranny  will  cause  you. 

Always  after  that,  when  they  find  you  have  transposed 
the  pillows,  they  undo  your  work,  and  thus  defy  and 
seek  to  embitter  the  life  that  God  has  given  you. 

If  they  cannot  get  the  light  in  an  inconvenient  position 
any  other  way,  they  move  the  bed. 

If  you  pull  your  trunk  out  six  inches  from  the  wall,  so 
that  the  lid  will  stay  up  when  you  open  it,  they  always 
shove  that  trunk  back  again.  They  do  it  on  purpose. 


282  SKETCHES    BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

If  you  want  the  spittoon  in  a  certain  spot,  where  it 
will  be  handy,  they  don't,  and  so  they  move  it. 

They  always  put  your  other  boots  into  inaccessible 
places.  They  chiefly  enjoy  depositing  them  as  far  under 
the  bed  as  the  wall  will  permit.  It  is  because  this  com 
pels  you  to  get  down  in  an  undignified  attitude  and 
make  wild  sweeps  for  them  in  the  dark  with  the  boot 
jack,  and  swear. 

They  always  put  the  match-box  in  some  other  place. 
They  hunt  up  a  new  place  for  it  every  day,  and  put  up  a 
bottle,  or  other  perishable  glass  thing,  where  the  box 
stood  before.  This  is  to  cause  you  to  break  that  glass 
thing,  groping  in  the  dark,  and  get  yourself  into  trouble. 

They  are  forever  moving  the  furniture.  When  you 
come  in,  hi-  the  night,  you  can  calculate  on  finding  the 
bureau  where  the  wardrobe  was  in  the  morning.  And 
when  you  go  out  in  the  morning,  if  you  leave  the  slop- 
bucket  by  the  door  and  the  rocking-chair  by  the  window, 
when  you  come  in  at  midnight,  or  thereabouts,  you  will 
fall  over  that  rocking-chair,  and  you  will  proceed  toward 
the  window  and  sit  down  in  that  slop-tub.  This  will  dis 
gust  you.  They  like  that. 

No  matter  where  you  put  anything,  they  are  not  going 
to  let  it  stay  there.  They  will  take  it  and  move  it  the 
first  chance  they  get.  It  is  their  nature.  And,  besides, 
it  give  them  pleasure  to  be  mean  and  contrary  this  way. 
They  would  die  if  they  couldn't  be  villains. 

They  always  save  up  all  the  old  scraps  of  printed  rub 
bish  you  throw  on  the  floor,  and  stack  them  up  carefully 


CONCERNING    CLLAMBERMAIDS.  283 

on  the  table,  and  start  the  fire  with  your  valuable  manu 
scripts.  If  there  is  any  one  particular  old  scrap  that  you 
are  more  down  on  than  any  other,  and  which  you  are 
gradually  wearing  your  life  out  trying  to  get  rid  of,  you 
may  take  all  the  pains  you  possibly  can  in  that  direction, 
but  it  won't  be  of  any  use,  because  they  will  always  fetch 
that  old  scrap  back  and  put  it  in  the  same  old  place  again 
every  time.  It  does  them  good. 

And  they  use  up  more  hair-oil  than  any  six  men.  If 
charged  with  purloining  the  same,  they  lie  about  it. 
What  do  they  care  about  a  hereafter  ?  Absolutely  nothing. 

If  you  leave  the  key  in  the  door  for  convenience  sake, 
they  will  carry  it  down  to  the  office  and  give  it  to  the 
clerk.  They  do  this  under  the  vile  pretence  of  trying  to 
protect  your  property  from  thieves ;  but  actually  they  do 
it  because  they  want  to  make  you  tramp  back  down 
stairs  after  it,  when  you  come  home  tired,  or  put  you  to 
the  trouble  of  sending  a  waiter  for  it,  which  waiter  will 
expect  you  to  pay  him  something.  In  which  case  I  sup 
pose  the  degraded  creatures  divide. 

They  keep  always  trying  to  make  your  bed  before  you 
get  up,  thus  destroying  your  rest  and  inflicting  agony 
upon  you ;  but  after  you  get  up,  they  don't  come  any 
more  till  the  next  day. 

They  do  all  the  mean  things  they  can  think  of,  and 
they  do  them  just  out  of  pure  cussedness,  and  nothing  else. 

Chambermaids  are  dead  to  every  human  instinct. 

If  I  can  get  a  bill  through  the  legislature  abolishing 
chambermaids,  I  mean  to  do  it. 


28*  SKETCHES   BY  MAEK  TWAIN 


ABOUT  BARBERS. 


ALL  things  change  except  barbers,  the  ways  of  barbers, 
and  the  surroundings  of  barbers.  These  never 
change.  What  one  experiences  in  a  barber's  shop  the 
first  time  he  enters  one  is  what  he  always  experiences  in 
barber's  shops  afterwards  till  the  end  of  his  days.  I  got 
shaved  this  morning  as  usual.  A  man  approached  the 
door  from  Jones  Street  as  I  approached  it  from  Main —  a 
thing  that  always  happens.  I  hurried  up,  but  it  was  of 
no  use ;  he  entered  the  door  one  little  step  ahead  of  me,  and 
I  followed  in  on  his  heels  and  saw  him  take  the  only  va 
cant  chair,  the  one  presided  over  by  the  best  barber.  It 
always  happens  so.  I  sat  down,  that  I  might  fall  heir  to 
the  chair  belonging  to  the  better  of  the  remaining  two  bar 
bers,  for  he  had  already  begun  combing  his  man's  hair, 
while  his  comrade  was  not  yet  quite  clone  rubbing  up  and 
oiling  his  customer's  locks.  I  watched  the  probabilities 
with  strong  interest.  When  I  saw  that  No.  2  was  gain 
ing  on  No.  1  my  interest  grew  to  solicitude.  When  No. 
1  stopped  a  moment  to  make  change  on  a  bath  ticket  for 
a  new  comer,  and  lost  ground  in  the  race,  my  solicitude 
rose  to  anxiety.  When  No.  1  caught  up  again,  and  both 
he  and  his  comrade  were  pulling  the  towels  away  and 


ABOUT  BARBERS.  285 

brushing  the  powder  from  their  customers'  cheeks,  and  it 
was  about  an  even  thing  which  one  would  say  "  Next ! " 
first,  my  very  breath  stood  still  with  the  suspense.  But 
when  at  the  culminating  moment  No.  1  stopped  to  pass  a 
comb  a  couple  of  times  through  his  customer's  eyebrows,  I 
saw  that  he  had  lost  the  race  by  a  single  instant,  and  I  rose 
indignant  and  quitted  the  shop,  to  keep  from  falling  into 
the  hands  of  No.  2 ;  for  I  have  none  of  that  enviable 
firmness  that  enables  a  man  to  look  calmly  into  the  eyes 
of  a  waiting  barber  and  tell  him  he  will  wait  for  his  fel 
low-barber's  chair. 

I  stayed  out  fifteen  minutes,  and  then  went  back,  hop 
ing  for  better  luck.  Of  course  all  the  chairs  were  occu 
pied  now,  and  four  men  sat  waiting,  silent,  unsociable, 
distraught,  and  looking  bored,  as  men  always  do  who  are 
awaiting  their  turn  in  a  barber's  shop.  I  sat  down  in 
one  of  the  iron- armed  compartments  of  an  old  sofa,  and 
put  in  the  time  for  a  while  reading  the  framed  advertise 
ments  of  all  sorts  of  quack  nostrums  for  dyeing  and 
colouring  the  hair.  Then  I  read  the  greasy  names  on  the 
private  bay  rum  bottles  ;  read  the  names  and  noted  the 
numbers  on  the  pri  vate  shaving  cups  in  the  pigeon-holes ; 
studied  the  stained  and  damaged  cheap  prints  on  the 
walls,  of  battles,  early  Presidents,  and  voluptuous  recum 
bent  sultanas,  and  the  tiresome  and  everlasting  young 
girl  putting  her  grandfather's  spectacles  on ;  execrated  in 
my  heart  the  cheerful  canary  and  the  distracting  parrot 
that  few  barbers'  shops  are  without.  Finally,  I  searched 
out  the  least  dilapidated  of  last  year's  illustrated  papers 


286  SKETCHES   BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

that  littered  the  foul  centre-table,  and  conned  their  un 
justifiable  misrepresentation  of  old  forgotten  events. 

At  last  my  turn  came.  A  voice  said  "  Next !"  and  1 
surrendered  to — No.  2,  of  course.  It  always  happens  so 
I  said  meekly  that  I  was  in  a  hurry,  and  it  affected  him 
as  strongly  as  if  he  had  never  heard  it,  He  shoved  up 
my  head,  and  put  a  napkin  under  it.  He  ploughed  his 
fingers  into  my  collar  and  fixed  a  towel  there.  He  ex 
plored  my  hair  with  his  claws  and  suggested  that  it 
needed  trimming.  I  said  I  did  not  want  it  trimmed  He 
explored  again  and  said  it  was  pretty  long  for  the  present 
style — better  have  a  little  taken  off  ;  it  needed  it  behind 
especially.  I  said  I  had  had  it  cut  only  a  week  before. 
He  yearned  over  it  reflectively  a  moment,  and  then  asked 
with  a  disparaging  manner,  who  cut  it  ?  I  came  back  at 
him  promptly  with  a  "  You  did  !"  I  had  him  there. 
Then  he  fell  to  stirring  up  his  lather  and  regarding  him 
self  in  the  glass,  stopping  now  and  then  to  get  close  and 
examine  his  chin  critically  or  inspect  a  pimple.  Then  he 
lathered  one  side  of  my  face  thoroughly,  and  was  about 
to  lather  the  other  when  a  dog  fight  attracted  his  atten 
tion,  and  he  ran  to  the  window  and  stayed  and  saw  it 
out,  losing  two  shillings  on  the  result  in  bets  with  the 
other  barbers,  a  thing  which  gave  me  great  satisfaction. 
He  finished  lathering  and  then  began  to  rub  in  the  suds 
with  his  hand. 

He  now  began  to  sharpen  his  razor  on  an  old  sus 
pender,  and  was  delayed  a  good  deal  on  account  of  a 
controversy  about  a  cheap  masquerade  ball  he  had  figured 


ABOUT  BARBERS.  287 

at  the  night  before,  in  red  cambric  and  bogus  ermine,  as 
some  kind  of  a  king.  He  was  so  gratified  with  being 
chaffed  about  by  some  damsel  whom  he  had  smitten  with 
his  charms  that  he  used  every  means  to  continue  the  con 
troversy  by  pretending  to  be  annoyed  at  the  chaffings  of 
his  fellows.  This  matter  begot  more  surveying  of  him 
self  in  the  glass,  and  he  put  down  his  razor  and  brushed 
his  hair  with  elaborate  care,  plastering  an  inverted  arch 
of  it  down  on  his  forehead,  accomplishing  an  accurate 
"  part"  behind,  and  brushing  the  two  wings  forward  over 
his  ears  with  nice  exactness.  In  the  meantime  the 
lather  was  drying  on  my  face,  and  apparently  eating  into 
my  vitals. 

Now  he  began  to  shave,  digging  his  fingers  into  my 
countenance  to  stretch  the  skin  and  bundling  and  tum 
bling  my  head  this  way  and  that  as  convenience  in 
shaving  demanded.  As  long  as  he  was  on  the  tough  sides 
of  my  face  I  did  not  suffer ;  but  when  he  began  to  rake 
and  rip,  and  tug  at  my  chin,  the  tears  came.  He  now 
made  a  handle  of  my  nose,  to  assist  him  in  shaving  the 
corners  of  my  upper  lip,  and  it  was  by  this  bit  of  circum 
stantial  evidence  that  I  discovered  that  a  part  of  his 
duties  in  the  shop  was  to  clean  the  kerosene  lamps.  I 
had  often  wondered  in  an  indolent  way  whether  the  bar 
bers  did  that,  or  whether  it  was  the  boss. 

About  this  time  I  was  amusing  myself  trying  to  guess 
where  he  would  be  most  likely  to  cut  me  this  time,  but 
he  got  ahead  of  me  and  sliced  me  on  the  end  of  the  chin 
before  I  had  got  my  mind  made  up.  He  immediate7  •? 


288  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

sharpened  his  razor — he  might  have  done  it  before.  I 
do  not  like  a  close  shave  and  would  not  let  him  go  over 
me  a  second  time.  I  tried  to  get  him  to  put  up  his  razor, 
dreading  that  he  would  make  for  the  side  of  my  chin, 
my  pet  tender  spot,  a  place  where  a  razor  cannot  touch 
twice  without  making  trouble ;  but  he  said  he  only 
wanted  to  just  smooth  off  one  little  roughness,  and  in  the 
same  moment  he  slipped  his  razor  along  the  forbidden 
ground,  and  the  dreaded  pimple-signs  of  a  close  shave 
rose  up  smarting  and  answered  to  the  call.  Now  he 
soaked  his  towel  in  bay  rum,  and  slapped  it  all  over  my 
face  nastily ;  slapped  it  over  as  if  a  human  being  ever 
yet  washed  his  face  in  that  way.  Then  he  dried  it  by 
slapping  with  the  dry  part  of  the  towel,  as  if  a  human 
being  ever  dried  his  face  in  such  a  fashion ;  but  a  barber 
seldom  rubs  you  like  a  Christian.  Next  he  poked  bay 
rum  into  the  cut  places  with  his  towel,  then  choked  the 
wound  with  powdered  starch,  then  soaked  it  with  bay 
rum  again,  and  would  have  gone  on  soaking  and  powder 
ing  it  for  evermore,  no  doubt,  if  I  had  not  rebelled  and 
begged  off.  He  powdered  my  whole  face  now,  straight 
ened  me  up,  and  began  to  plough  my  hair  thoughtfully 
with  his  hands.  Then  he  suggested  a  shampoo,  and  said 
my  hair  needed  it  badly,  very  badly.  I  observed  that  I 
shampooed  it  myself  very  thoroughly  in  the  bath  yester 
day.  I  "  had  him  "  again.  He  next  recommended  some  of 
"  Smith's  Hair  Glorifier,"  and  offered  to  sell  me  a  bottle. 
I  declined.  He  praised  the  new  perfume,  "  Jones'  De 
light  of  the  Toilet,"  and  proposed  to  sell  me  some  of  that, 


ABOUT   BARBERS.  289 

I  declined  again.  He  tendered  me  a  tooth-wash  atrocity 
of  his  own  invention,  and  when  I  declined  offered  to  trade 
knives  with  me. 

He  returned  to  business  after  the  miscarriage  of  this 
last  enterprise,  sprinkled  me  all  over,  legs  and  all,  greased 
my  hair  in  defiance  of  my  protest  against  it,  rubbed  and 
scrubbed  a  good  deal  of  it  out  by  the  roots,  and  combed 
and  brushed  the  rest,  parting  it  behind,  and  plastering  the 
eternal  and  inverted  arch  of  hair  down  on  my  forehead,  and 
then,  while  combing  my  scant  eyebrows  and  defiling  them 
with  pomade,  strung  out  an  account  of  the  achievements 
of  a  six-ounce  black  and  tan  terrier  of  his  till  I  heard  the 
whistles  blow  for  noon,  and  knew  I  was  five  minutes  too 
late  for  the  train.  Then  he  snatched  away  the  towel, 
brushed  it  lightly  over  my  face,  passed  his  comb  through 
my  eyebrows  once  more,  and  gaily  sang  out  "  Next !" 

This  barber  fell  down  and  died  of  apoplexy  two  hours 
laterv  I  am  waiting  over  a  day  for  my  revenge  —  I  am 
going  to  attend  his  funeral. 


2  DO  SKETCHES   BY   MA11K   TWAIN. 


HISTORY  REPEATS  ITSELF. 


FTfHE  lollowing  I  find  in  a  Sandwich  Island  paper 
J-  which  some  friend  has  sent  me  from  that  tranquil 
far-off  retreat.  The  coincidence  between  my  own  exper 
ience  and  that  here  set  down  by  the  late  Mr.  Benton  is  so 
remarkable  that  I  cannot  forbear  publishing  and  com 
menting  upon  the  paragraph.  The  Sandwich  Island 
paper  says  : — 

"How  touching  is  this  tribute  of  the  late  Hon.  T.  H.  Benton  to  his 
mother's  influence  : — '  My  mother  asked  me  never  to  use  tobacco;  I  have 
never  touched  it  from  that  time  to  the  present  day.  She  asked  me  not  to 
gamble,  and  I  have  never  gambled.  I  cannot  tell  who  is  losing  in  games 
that  are  being  played.  She  admonished  me,  too,  against  liquor-drinking, 
and  whatever  capacity  for  endurance  I  have  at  present,  and  whatever  use 
fulness  I  may  have  attained  through  life  I  attribute  to  having  complied 
with  her  pious  and  correct  wishes.  When  I  was  seven  years  of  age,  she 
asked  me  not  to  drink,  and  then  I  made  a  resolution  of  total  abstinence  ; 
and  that  I  have  adhered  to  it  through  all  time  I  owe  to  my  mother.' " 

I  never  saw  anything  so  curious.  It  is  almost  an  exact 
epitome  of  my  own  moral  career — after  simply  substitut 
ing  a  grandmother  for  a  mother.  How  well  I  remember 
my  grandmother's  asking  me  not  to  use  tobacco,  good 
old  soul  !  She  said,  "  You're  at  it  again,  are  you,  you 
whelp  ?  Now,  don't  let  me  ever  catch  you  chewing  to 
bacco  before  breakfast  again,  or  I'll  black-snake  you 


HISTORY    REPEATS    ITSELF.  291 

within  an  inch  of  your  life  !  "  I  have  never  touched  it 
at  that  hour  of  the  morning  from  that  time  to  the  present 
day. 

She  asked  me  not  to  gamble.  She  whispered  and  said, 
"  Put  up  those  wicked  cards  this  minute  ! — two  pair  and 
a  jack,  you  numskull,  and  the  other  fellow's  got  a 
flush!"  " 

I  never  have  gambled  from  that  day  to  this — never 
once— without  a  "  cold  deck  "  in  my  pocket.  I  cannot 
iven  tell  who  is  going  to  lose  in  games  that  are  being 
>layed  unless  I  dealt  myself. 

When  I  was  two  years  of  age  she  asked  me  not  to 
drink,  and  then  I  made  a  resolution  of  total  abstinence. 
That  I  have  adhered  to  it  and  enjoyed  the  beneficent 
effects  of  it  through  all  time,  I  owe  to  my  grandmother. 
[  have  never  drunk  a  drop  from  that  day  to  this  of  any 
iind  of  water. 


SKETCHES   BY  MARK   TWAIN. 


FIRST  INTERVIEW  WITH   ARTEMUS  WARD. 


I  HAD  never  seen  him  before.  He  brought  letters  of 
introduction  from  mutual  friends  in  San  Francisco, 
and  by  invitation  I  breakfasted  with  him.  It  was  almost 
religion.,  there  in  the  silver  mines,  to  precede  such  a  meal 
with  whiskey  cocktails.  Artemus,  with  the  true  cosmo 
politan  instinct,  always  deferred  to  the  customs  of  the 
country  lie  was  in,  and  so  he  ordered  three  of  those 
abominations.  Kingston  was  present-  I  said  I  would 
rather  not  drink  a  whiskey  cocktail.  I  said  it  would  go 
right  to  my  head,  and  confuse  me  so  that  I  would  be  in  a 
helpless  tangle  in  ten  minutes.  I  did  not  want  to  act  like 
a  lunatic  before  strangers.  But  Artemus  gently  insisted, 
and  I  drank  the  treasonable  mixture  under  protest,  and 
felt  all  the  time  that  I  was  doing  a  thing  I  might  be  sorry 
lor.  In  a  minute  or  two  I  began  to  imagine  that  my 
ideas  were  clouded.  I  waited  in  great  anxiety  for  the  con 
versation  to  open,  with  a  sort  of  vague  hope  that  my  under 
standing  would  prove  clear,  after  all,  and  my  misgivings 
groundless. 

Artemus  dropped  an  unimportant  remark  or  two,  and 
then  assumed  a  look  of  superhuman  earnestness,  and 
made  the  following  astounding  speech.  He  said  : — • 


FIRST  INTERVIEW  WITH  ARTEMUS  WARD.  29- 

f"  Now  there  is  one  thing  I  ought  to  ask  you  about  be 
fore  I  forget  it.  You  have  been  here  in  Silverland — here 
in  Nevada. — two  or  three  years,  and,  of  course,  your  posi 
tion  on  the  daily  press  has  made  it  necessary  for  you  to 
go  down  in  the  mines-  and  examine  them  carefully  in 
detail,  and  therefore  you  know  all  about  the  silver-mining 
business.  Now,  what  I  want  to  get  at  is — is,  well,  the 
way  the  deposits  of  ore  are  made,  you  know.  For  in 
stance.  Now,  as  I  understand  it,  the  vein  which  con 
tains  the  silver  is  sandwiched  in  between  casings  of 
granite,  and  runs  along  the  ground,  and  sticks  up  like  a 
curb-stone.  Well,  take  a  vein  forty  feet  thick,  for  ex 
ample,  or  eighty,  for  that  matter,  or  even  a  hundred — say 
you  go  down  on  it  with  a  shaft,  straight  down,  you  know, 
or  with  what  you  call  '  incline,'  maybe  you  go  down  five 
hundred  feet,  or  maybe  you  don't  go  down  but  two  hun 
dred — any  way  you  go  down,  and  all  the  time  this  vein 
grows  narrower,  when  the  casings  come  nearer  or  approach 
each  other,  you  may  say — that  is,  when  they  do  approach, 
which  of  course  they  do  not  always  do,  particularly  in 
cases  where  the  nature  of  the  formation  is  such  that 
they  stand  apart  wider  than  they  otherwise  would,  and 
which  geology  has  failed  to  account  for,  although  every 
thing  in  that  science  goes  to  prove  that,  all  things 
being  equal,  it  would  if  it  did  not,  or  would  not  certainly 
if  it  did,  and  then  of  course  they  are.  Do  not  you  think 
it  is?" 

I  said  to  myself: — 

"  Now  I  j  ust  knew  how  it   would   be — that  whiskey 


294  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

cocktail  has  done  the  business  for  me ;  I  don't  under 
stand  any  more  than  a  clam." 

And  then  I  said  aloud  : — 

"  I — I — that  is — if  you  don't  mind,  would  you — would 
you  say  that  over  again  ?  I  ought  " 

"  Oh,  certainly,  certainly !  You  see  I  am  very  un 
familiar  with  the  subject,  and  perhaps  I  don't  present  my 
case  clearly,  but  I  " 

"  No,  no — no,  no — you  state  it  plain  enough,  but  that 
cocktail  has  muddled  me  a  little.  Bat  I  will — no,  I  do  un 
derstand  for  that  matter ;  but  I  would  get  the  hang  of  it 
all  the  better  if  you  went  over  it  again — and  I'll  pay  bet 
ter  attention  this  time." 

He  said,  "  Why,  what  I  was  after  was  this." 

[Here  he  became  even  more  fearfully  impressive  than 
ever,  and  emphasized  each  particular  point  by  checking  it 
off  on  his  finger  ends,] 

"  This  vein,  or  lode,  or  ledge,  or  whatever  you  call  it, 
runs  along  between  two  layers  of  granite,  just  the  same 
as  if  it  were  a  sandwich.  Very  well.  Now,  suppose  you 
go  down  on  that,  say  a  thousand  feet,  or  maybe  twelve 
hundred  (it  don't  really  matter),  before  you  drift, 
and  then  you  start  your  drifts,  some  of  them  across 
the  ledge,  and  others  along  the  length  of  it,  where 
the  sulpherets, — I  believe  they  call  them  sulpherets, 
though  why  they  should,  considering  that,  so  far 
as  I  can  see,  the  main  dependence  of  a  miner  does  not  so 
lie,  as  some  suppose,  but  in  which  it  cannot  be  successful 
ly  maintained,  wherein  the  same  should  not  continue, 


INTERVIEW  WITH  ARTEMUS  WARD.     295 


while  part  and  parcel  of  the  same  ore  not  committed  to 
either  in  the  sense  referred  to,  whereas,  under  different 
circumstances,  the  most  inexperienced  among  us  could 
not  detect  it  if  it  were,  or  might  overlook  it  if  it  did,  or 
scorn  the  very  idea  of  such  a  thing,  even  though  it  were 
palpably  demonstrated  as  such.  Am  I  not  right  ?" 

I  said,  sorrowfully  —  "  I  feel  ashamed  of  myself,  Mr. 
Ward.  I  know  I  ought  to  understand  you  perfectly  well, 
but  you  see  that  treacherous  whiskey  cocktail  has  got  in 
to  my  head,  and  now  I  cannot  understand  even  the  sim 
plest  proposition.  I  told  you  how  it  would  be." 

"  Oh,  don't  mind  it,  don't  mind  it  ;  the  fault  was  my 
own,  no  doubt  —  though  I  did  think  it  clear  enough 
for"  - 

"Don't  say  a  word.  Clear!  Why,  you  stated  it  as 
clear  as  the  sun  to  anybody  but  an  abject  idiot  ;  but  its 
that  confounded  cocktail  that  has  played  the  mischief." 

"  No  ;  now  don't  say  that.  I'll  begin  it  all  over  again, 
and"— 

"Don't  now  —  for  goodness  sake  don't  do  anything  of 
the  kind,  because  I  tell  you  my  head  is  in  such  a  con 
dition  that  I  don't  believe  I  could  understand  the  most 
trifling  question  a  man  could  ask  me." 

"  Now,  don't  you  be  afraid.  I'll  put  it  so  plain  this 
time  that  you  can't  help  but  get  the  hang  of  it.  We  will 
begin  at  the  very  beginning."  [Leaning  far  across  the 
table,  with  determined  impressiveness  wrought  upon  his 
every  feature,  and  fingers  prepared  to  keep  tally  of  each 
point  as  enumerated  ;  and  I,  leaning  forward  with  painful 


290  SKETCHES   BY   M*""    TWAIN. 

• 

interest,  resolved  to  comprehend  or  perish.]  "  You  know 
the  vein,  the  ledge,  the  thing  that  contains  the  metal, 
whereby  it  constitutes  the  medium  between  all  other 
forces,  whether  of  present  or  remote  agencies,  so  brought 
to  bear  in  favour  of  the  former  against  the  latter,  or  the 
latter  against  the  former  or  all,  or  both,  or  compromising 
the  relative  differences  existing  within  the  radius  whence 
culminate  the  several  degrees  of  similarity  to  which  " 

I  said — "  Oh,  hang  my  wooden  head,  it  ain't  any  use  ! 
— it  ain't  any  use  to  try — I  can't  understand  anything. 
The  plainer  you  get  it  the  more  I  can't  get  the  hang  of 
it." 

I  heard  a  suspicious  noise  behind  me,  and  turned  in 
time  to  see  Kingston  dodging  behind  a  newspaper,  and 
quaking  with  a  gentle  ecstasy  of  laughter.  I  looked  at 
Ward  again,  and  he  had  thrown  off  his  dread  solemnity 
and  was  laughing  also.  Then  I  saw  that  I  had  been  sold 
—that  I  had  been  made  the  victim  of  a  swindle  in  the 
way  of  a  string  of  plausibly  worded  sentences  that  didn't 
mean  anything  under  the  sun.  Artemus  Ward  was  one 
of  the  best  fellows  in  the  world,  and  one  of  the  most 
companionable.  It  has  been  said  that  he  was  not  fluent 
in  conversation,  but  with  the  above  experience  in  my 
mind,  I  differ. 


NIAGARA.  297 


NIAGARA. 


NIAGARA  FALLS  is  a  most  enjoyable  place  of  resorb. 
The  hotels  are  excellent,  and  the  prices  not  at  all 
exorbitant.  The  opportunities  for  fishing  are  not  sur 
passed  in  the  country;  in  fact,  they  are  not  even  equalled 
elsewhere.  Because,  in  other  localities,  certain  places  in 
the  streams  are  much  better  than  others ;  but  at  Niagara 
one  place  is  just  as  good  as  another,  for  the  reason  that 
the  fish  do  not  bite  anywhere,  and  so  there  is  no  use  in 
your  walking  five  miles  to  fish,  when  you  can  depend  on 
being  just  as  unsuccessful  nearer  home.  The  advantages 
of  this  state  of  things  have  never  heretofore  been  proper 
ly  placed  before  the  public. 

The  weather  is  cool  in  summer,  and  the  walks  and 
drives  are  all  pleasant  and  none  of  them  fatiguing.  When 
you  start  out  to  "  do  "  the  Falls  you  first  drive  down  about 
a  mile,  and  pay  a  small  sum  for  the  privilege  of  looking 
down  from  a  precipice  into  the  narrowest  part  of  the  Ni 
agara  river.  A  railway  "  cut "  through  a  hill  would  be 
as  comely  if  it  had  the  angry  river  tumbling  and  foaming 
through  its  bottom.  You  can  descend  a  staircase  here  a 
hundred  and  fifty  feet  down,  and  stand  at  the  edge  of  tho 


298  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

water.  After  you  have  done  it,  you  will  wonder  why 
you  did  it ;  but  you  will  then  be  too  late. 

The  guide  will  explain  to  you,  in  his  blood-curdling  way, 
how  he  saw  the  little  steamer,  Maid  of  the  Mist,  descend 
the  fearful  rapids — how  first  one  paddle-box  was  out 
of  sight  behind  the  raging  billows,  and  then  the  other, 
and  at  what  point  it  was  that  her  smokestack  toppled 
overboard,  and  where  her  planking  began  to  break  and 
part  asunder — and  how  she  did  finally  live  through  the 
trip,  after  accomplishing  the  incredible  feat  of  travelling 
seventeen  miles  in  six  minutes,  or  six  miles  in  seventeen 
minutes,  I  have  really  forgotten  which.  But  it  was  very 
extraordinary,  anyhow.  It  is  worth  the  price  of  admis 
sion  to  hear  the  guide  tell  the  story  nine  times  in  succes 
sion  to  different  parties,  and  never  miss  a  word  or  alter  a 
sentence  or  a  gesture. 

Then  you  drive  over  the  Suspension  Bridge,  and  divide 
your  misery  between  the  chances  of  smashing  down  two 
hundred  feet  into  the  river  below,  and  the  chances  of 
having  the  railway  train  over  head  smashing  down  on  to 
you.  Either  possibility  is  discomforting  taken  by  itself, 
but  mixed  together,  they  amount  in  the  aggregate  to  posi 
tive  unhappiness. 

On  the  Canada  side  you  drive  along  the  chasm  between 
long  ranks  of  photographers  standing  behind  their  cam 
eras,  ready  to  make  an  ostentatious  frontispiece  of  you 
and  your  decaying  ambulance,  and  your  solemn  crate 
with  a  hide  on  it,  which  you  are  expected  to  regard  in 
the  light  of  a  horse,  and  a  diminished  and  unimportant 


NIAGARA.  299 

« 

background  of  sublime  Niagara  ;  and  a  great  many  peo 
ple  have  the  incredible  effrontery  or  the  native  depravity 
to  aid  and  abet  this  sort  of  crime. 

Any  day,  in  the  hands  of  these  photographers,  you  may 
see  stately  pictures  of  papa  and  mamma,  J  ohnny  and  Bub 
and  Sis,  or  a  couple  of  country  cousins,  all  smiling  vacant 
ly,  and  ail  disposed  in  studied  and  uncomfortable  atti 
tudes  in  their  carriage,  and  all  looming  up  in  their  awe- 
inspiring  imbecility  before  the  snubbed  and  diminished 
presentment  of  that  majestic  presence  whose  ministering 
spirits  are  the  rainbows,  whose  voice  is  the  thunder, 
whose  awful  front  is  veiled  in  clouds,  who  was  monarch 
here  dead  and  forgotten  ages  before  this  hackful  oi 
small  reptiles  was  deemed  temporarily  necessary  to  fill 
a  crack  in  the  world's  unnoted  myriads,  and  will  still  be 
monarch  here  ages  and  decades  of  ages  after  they  shall 
have  gathered  themselves  to  their  blood  relations,  the 
other  worms,  and  been  mingled  with  the  unremembering 
dust. 

There  is  no  actual  harm  in  making  Niagara  a  back 
ground  whereon  to  display  one's  marvellous  insignifi 
cance  in  a  good  strong  light,  but  it  requires  a  sort  of 
superhuman  self-complacency  to  enable  one  to  do  it. 

When  you  have  examined  the  stupendous  Horseshoe 
Fall  till  you  are  satisfied  you  cannot  improve  on  it, 
you  return  to  America  by  the  new  suspension  bridge, 
and  follow  up  the  bank  to  where  they  exhibit  the  Cave 
of  the  Winds. 

Here  I  followed  instructions,  and  divested  myself  of  all 


300  SKETCHES   BY  MARK  TWAIN". 

my  clothing,  and  put  on  a  waterproof  jacket  and  over 
alls.  This  costume  is  picturesque,  but  not  beautiful.  A 
guide,  similarly  dressed,  led  the  way  down  a  flight  of 
winding  stairs,  which  wound  and  wound,  and  still  kept 
on  winding  long  after  the  thing  ceased  to  be  a  novelty, 
and  then  terminated  long  before  it  had  begun  to  be  a 
pleasure.  We  were  then  well  down  under  the  precipice, 
but  still  considerably  above  the  level  of  the  river. 

We  now  began  to  creep  along  flimsy  bridges  of  a 
single  plank,  our  persons  shielded  from  destruction  by  a 
crazy  wooden  railing,  to  which  I  clung  with  both  hands 
— not  because  I  was  afraid,  but  because  I  wanted  to. 
Presently  the  descent  became  steeper,  and  the  bridge 
flimsier,  and  sprays  from  the  American  Fall  began 
to  rain  down  on  us  in  fast-increasing  sheets  that 
soon  became  blinding,  and  after  that  our  progress  was 
mostly  in  the  nature  of  groping.  Now  a  furious  wind 
began  to  rush  out  from  behind  the  waterfall,  which 
seemed  determined  to  sweep  us  from  the  bridge,  and 
scatter  us  on  the  rocks  and  among  the  torrents  below. 
I  remarked  that  I  wanted  to  go  home  ;  but  it  was  too 
late.  We  were  almost  under  the  monstrous  wall  of  water 
thundering  down  from  above,  and  speech  was  in  vain  in 
the  midst  of  such  a  pitiless  crash  of  sound. 

In  another  moment  the  guide  disappeared  behind  the 
deluge,  and  bewildered  by  the  thunder,  driven  helplessly 
by  the  wind,  and  smitten  by  the  arrowy  tempest  of  rain, 
I  followed.  All  was  darkness.  Such  a  mad  storming, 
roaring,  and  bellowing  of  warring  wind  and  water  never 


NIAGARA.  301 

crazed  my  ears  before.  I  bent  my  head  and  seemed  to 
receive  the  Atlantic  on  my  back.  The  world  seemed 
going  to  destruction.  I  could  not  see  anything,  the 
flood  poured  down  so  savagely.  I  raised  my  head,  with 
open  mouth,  and  the  most  of  the  American  cataract  went 
down  my  throat.  If  I  had  sprung  a  leak  now,  I  had 
been  lost.  And  at  this  moment  I  discovered  that  the 
bridge  had  ceased,  and  we  must  trust  for  a  foothold  to 
the  Slippery  and  precipitous  rocks.  I  never  was  so  scared 
before  and  survived  it.  But  we  got  through  at  last,  and 
emerged  into  the  open  day,  where  we  could  stand  in  front 
of  the  laced  and  frothy  and  seething  world  of  descending- 
water,  and  look  at  it.  When  I  saw  how  much  of  it  there 
was,  and  how  fearfully  in  earnest  it  was,  I  was  soriy  I 
had  gone  behind  it. 

The  noble  Red  Man  has  always  been  a  friend  and  dar 
ling  of  mine.  I  love  to  read  about  him  in  tales  and 
legends  and  romances.  I  love  to  read  of  his  inspired 
sagacity,  and  his  love  of  the  wild  free  life  of  mountain 
and  forest,  and  his  general  nobility  of  character,  and  his 
stately  metaphorical  manner  of  speech,  and  his  chivalrous 
love  for  the  dusky  maiden,  and  the  picturesque  pomp  of 
his  dress  and  accoutrements.  Especially  the  picturesque 
pomp  of  his  dress  and  accoutrements.  When  I  found  the 
shops  at  Niagara  Falls  full  of  dainty  Indian  bead- work, 
and  stunning  moccasins,  and  equally  stunning  toy  figures 
representing  human  beings  who  carried  their  weapons  in 
holes  bored  through  their  arms  and  bodies,  and  had  feet 
shaped  like  a  pie,  I  was  filled  with  emotion.  I  knew  that 


302  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

now,  at  last,  I  was  going  to  come  face  to  face  with  the 
noble  Red  Man. 

A  lady  clerk  in  a  shop  told  me,  indeed,  that  all  her 
grand  array  of  curiosities  were  made  by  the  Indians,  and 
fchat  they  were  plenty  about  the  Falls,  and  that  they 
were  friendly,  and  it  would  not  be  dangerous  to  speak  to 
them.  And  sure  enough,  as  I  approached  the  bridge  lead 
ing  over  to  Luna  Island,  I  came  upon  a  noble  Son  of  the 
Forest  sitting  under  a  tree,  diligently  at  work  on  a  bead 
reticule.  He  wore  a  slouch  hat  and  brogaiis,  and  had  a 
short  black  pipe  in  his  mouth.  Thus  does  the  baneful 
contact  with  our  effeminate  civilization  dilute  the  pictur 
esque  pomp  which  is  so  natural  to  the  Indian  when  far 
removed  from  us  in  his  native  haunts.  I  addressed  the 
relic  as  follows: — 

"  Is  the  Wawhoo- Wang- Wang  of  the  Whack-a-  Whack 
happy  ?  Does  the  great  Speckled  Thunder  sigh  for  the 
war  path,  or  is  his  heart  contented  wi*h  dreaming  of  the 
dusky  maiden,  the  Pride  of  the  Forest  \  Does  the  mighty 
Sachem  yearn  to  drink  the  blood  of  his  enemies,  or  is  he 
satisfied  to  make  bead  reticules  for  the  papooses  of  the 
paleface  ?  Speak,  sublime  relic  of  bygone  grandeur- 
venerable  ruin,  speak ! " 

The  relic  said — 

"  An'  is  it  mesilf,  Dennis  Hooligan,  that  ye'd  be  takin 
for  a  dirty  Injin,  ye  drawlin',  lantern-jawed,  spider-legged 
divil !  By  the  piper  that  played  before  Moses,  I'll  ate 
ye! 

I  went  away  from  there. 


NIAGARA.  303 

By  and  by,  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  Terrapin  Tow 
er,  I  came  upon  a  gentle  daughter  of  the  aborigines  in 
fringed  and  beaded  buckskin  moccasins  and  leggins,  seated 
on  a  bench,  with  her  pretty  wares  about  her.  She  had 
just  carved  out  a  wooden  chief  that  had  a  strong  family 
resemblance  to  a  clothes-pin,  and  was  now  boring  a  hole 
through  his  abdomen  to  put  his  bow  through.  I  hesita 
ted  a  moment,  and  then  addressed  her : 

"  Is  the  heart  of  the  forest  maiden  heavy  ?  Is  the 
Laughing  Tadpole  lonely  ?  Does  she  mourn  over  the 
extinguished  council-fires  of  her  race,  and  the  vanished 
glory  of  her  ancestors  ?  Or  does  her  sad  spirit  wander 
afar  towards  the  hunting-grounds  whither  her  brave 
Gobler-of-the-Lightnings  is  gone  ?  Why  is  my  daughter 
silent  ?  Has  she  aught  against  the  paleface  stranger  ? " 

The  maiden  said — 

"  Faix,  an'  is  it  Biddy  Malone  ye  dare  to  be  callin' 
names  ?  Lave  this,  or  I'll  shy  your  lean  carcass  over  the 
cataract,  ye  snivelling  blaggard  !" 

I  adjourned  from  there  also. 

"  Confound  these  Indians  ! "  I  said.  "  They  told  me 
they  were  tame  ;  but,  if  appearances  go  for  anything,  I 
should  say  they  were  all  on  the  war  path." 

I  made  one  more  attempt  to  fraternize  with  them,  and 
only  one.  I  came  upon  a  camp  of  them  gathered  in  the 
shade  of  a  great  tree,  making  wampum  and  moccasins, 
and  addressed  them  in  the  language  of  friendship  : — 

"  Noble  Red  Men,  Braves,  Grand  Sachems,  War 
Chiefs,  Squaws,  and  High  Muck  a-Mucks,  the  paleface 


304  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIN. 

from  the  land  of  the  setting  sun  greets  you  I  You,  Bene 
ficent  Polecat — you,  Devourer  of  Mountains — you,  Roar 
ing  Thundergust — you,  Bully  Boy  with  a  Glass  eye — 
the  paleface  from  beyond  the  great  waters  greets  you  all ! 
War  and  pestilence  have  thinned  your  ranks,  and  destroy 
ed  your  once  proud  nation.  Poker  and  seven-up,  and  a 
vain  modern  expense  for  soap,  unknown  to  your  glorious 
ancestors,  have  depleted  your  purses.  Appropriating,  in 
your  simplicity,  the  property  of  others,  has  gotten  you 
into  trouble.  Misrepresenting  facts,  in  your  simple  in 
nocence,  has  damaged  your  reputation  with  the  soulless 
usurper.  Trading  for  forty-rod  whiskey,  to  enable  you 
to  get  drunk  and  happy  and  tomahawk  your  families, 
has  played  the  everlasting  mischief  with  the  picturesque 
pomp  of  your  dress,  and  here  you  are,  in  the  broad  light 
of  the  nineteenth  century,  gotten  up  like  the  ragtag 
and  bobtail  of  the  purlieus  of  New  York.  For  shame  ! 
Remember  your  ancestors  !  Recall  their  mighty  deeds  ! 
Remember  Uncas  ! — and  Red  Jacket  ! — and  Hole  in  the 
Day  ! — and  Whoopdedoodledo  !  Emulate  their  achieve 
ments  \  Unfurl  yourselves  under  my  banner,  noble 
savages,  illustrious  guttersnipes  " 

"  Down  wid  him  !"  "Scoop  the  blaggard!"  "Burn 
him  !  "  "  Hang  him  ! "  "  Dhround  him  ! " 

It  was  the  quickest  operation  that  ever  was.  I  simply 
saw  a  sudden  flash  in  the  air  of  clubs,  brickbats,  fists, 
bead-baskets,  and  moccasins — a  single  flash,  and  they 
all  appeared  to  hit  me  at  once,  and  no  two  of  them  in  the 
Bame  place.  In  the  next  instant  the  entire  tribe  was  up- 


NIAGARA.  305 

on  me.  They  tore  half  the  clothes  off  me  ;  they  broke 
my  arms  and  legs  ;  they  gave  me  a  thump  that  dented 
the  top  of  my  head  till  it  would  hold  coffee  like  a  saucer; 
and,  to  crown  their  disgraceful  proceedings  and  add 
insult  to  injury,  they  threw  me  over  the  Niagara  Falls, 
and  I  got  wet. 

About  ninety  or  a  hundred  feet  from  the  top,  the  re 
mains  of  my  vest  caught  on  a  projecting  rock,  and  I  was 
almost  drowned  before  I  could  get  loose.  I  finally  fell, 
and  brought  up  in  a  world  of  white  foam  at  the  foot  of  the 
Fall,  whose  celled  and  bubbly  masses  towered  up  several 
inches  above  my  head.  Of  course  I  got  into  the  eddy. 
I  sailed  round  and  round  in  it  forty-four  times — chasing 
a  chip  and  gaining  on  it — each  round  trip  a  half  mile — 
reaching  for  the  same  bush  on  the  bank  forty-four  times, 
and  just  exactly  missing  it  by  a  hair's-breadth  every  time. 

At  last  a  man  walked  down  and  sat  down  close  to  that 
bush,  and  put  a  pipe  in  his  mouth,  and  lit  a  match,  and 
followed  me  with  one  eye  and  kept  the  other  on  the 
match,  while  he  sheltered  it  in  his  hands  from  the  wind. 
Presently  a  puff  of  wind  blew  it  out.  The  next  time  I 
swept  around  he  said — 

"  Got  a  match  ? " 

"  Yes  ;  in  my  other  vest.     Help  me  out,  please." 

"  Not  for  Joe." 

When  I  came  round  again,  I  said — 

"Excuse  the  seemingly  impertinent  curiosity  of  a 
drowning  man,  but  will  you  explain  this  singular  con 
duct  of  yours  ?" 


306  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

"With  pleasure.  I  am  the  coroner.  Don't  hurry 
on  my  account.  I  can  wait  for  you.  But  I  wish  I  had 
a  match." 

I  said — "  Take  ray  place,  and  I'll  go  and  get  you  one." 

He  declined.  This  lack  of  confidence  on  his  part  created 
a  coldness  between  us,  and  from  that  time  forward  I 
avoided  him.  It  was  my  idea,  in  case  anything  happened 
to  me,  to  so  time  the  occurrence  as  to  throw  my  custom 
into  the  hands  of  the  opposition  coroner  over  on  the 
American  side. 

At  last  a  policeman  came  along,  and  arrested  me  for 
disturbing  the  peace  by  yelling  at  the  people  on  shore 
for  help.  The  judge  fined  me,  but  I  had  the  advantage 
of  him.  My  money  was  with  my  pantaloons  and  my 
pantaloons  were  with  the  Indians. 

Thus  I  escaped.  I  am  now  lying  in  a  very  critical 
condition.  At  least  I  am  lying  anyway — critical  or  not 
critical.  I  am  hurt  all  over,  but  I  cannot  tell  the  full  ex 
tent  yet,  because  the  doctor  is  not  done  taking  inven 
tory.  He  will  make  out  my  manifest  this  evening.  How 
ever,  thus  far  he  thinks  only  sixteen  of  my  wounds  are 
fatal.  I  don't  mind  the  others. 

Upon  regaining  my  right  mind,  I  said — 

"It  is  an  awful  savage  tribe  of  Indians  that  do  the 
bead  work  and  moccasins  for  Niagara  Falls,  doctor.  Where 
are  they  from  ?" 

"Jjimerick,  my  son," 


ANSWERS  TO   CORRESPONDENTS.  307 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 


'  Tl/TORAL  STATISTICIAN."— I  don't  want  any  of 
lf_L  your  statistics ;  I  took  your  whole  batch  and  lit 
my  pipe  with  it.  I  hate  your  kind  of  people.  You  are 
always  ciphering  out  how  much  a  man's  health  is 
injured,  and  how  much  his  intellect  is  impaired, 
and  how  many  pitiful  dollars  and  cents  he  wastes  in  the 
course  of  ninety-two  years'  indulgence  in  the  fatal  prac 
tice  of  smoking ;  and  in  the  equally  fatal  practice  of 
drinking  coffee  ;  and  in  playing  billiards  occasionally ; 
and  in  taking  a  glass  of  wine  at  dinner,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.  And 
you  are  always  figuring  out  how  many  women  have  been 
burned  to  death  because  of  the  dangerous  fashion  of 
wearing  expansive  hoops,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.  You  never  see 
more  than  one  side  of  the  question.  You  are  blind  to  the 
fact  that  most  old  men  smoke  and  drink  coffee,  although, 
according  to  your  theory,  they  ought  to  have  died  young ; 
and  that  hearty  old  Englishmen  drink  wine  and  survive 
it,  and  portly  old  Dutchmen  both  drink  and  smoke  freely, 
and  yet  grow  older  and  fatter  all  the  time.  And  you 
never  try  to  find  out  how  much  solid  comfort,  relaxation, 
and  enjoyment  a  man  derives  from  smoking  in  the  course 
of  a  lifetime  (which  is  worth  ten  times  the  money  ha 


303  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

would  save  by  letting  it  alone),  nor  the  appalling  aggre 
gate  of  happiness  lost  in  a  lifetime  by  your  kind  of  peo 
ple  from  not  smoking.  Of  course  you  can  save  money  by 
denying  yourself  all  those  little  vicious  enjoyments  for 
fifty  years ;  but  then  what  can  you  do  with  it  ?  What 
use  can  you  put  it  to  ?  Money  can't  save  your  infinitesi 
mal  soul.  All  the  use  that  money  can  be  put  to  is  to 
purchase  comfort  and  enjoyment  in  this  life  ;  therefore, 
as  you  are  an  enemy  to  comfort  and  enjoyment,  where  is 
the  use  of  accumulating  cash  ?  It  won't  do  for  you  to 
say  that  you  can  use  it  to  better  purpose  in  furnish 
ing  a  good  table,  and  in  charities,  and  in  supporting  tract 
societies,  because  you  know  yourself  that  you  people  who 
have  no  petty  vices  are  never  known  to  give  away  a  cent, 
and  that  you  stint  yourself  so  in  the  matter  of  food  that 
you  are  always  feeble  and  hungry.  And  you  never  dare 
to  laugh  in  the  daytime  for  fear  some  poor  wretch,  seeing 
you  in  a  good  humour,  will  try  to  borrow  a  dollar  of  you  ; 
and  in  church  you  are  always  down  on  your  knees,  with 
your  eyes  buried  in  the  cushion,  when  the  contribution- 
box  comes  around ;  and  you  never  give  the  revenue  offi 
cers  a  full  statement  of  your  income.  Now  you  know 
all  these  things  yourself,  don't  you  ?  Very  well,  then, 
what  is  the  use  of  your  stringing  out  your  miserable  lives  to 
a  lean  and  withered  old  age  ?  What  is  the  use  of  your 
saving  money  that  is  so  utterly  worthless  to  you  ?  In  a 
word,  why  don't  you  go  off  somewhere  and  die,  and  not 
!>e  always  trying  to  seduce  people  into  becoming  as 
ornery  "  and  unlovable  as  you  are  yourselves,  by  your 


ANSWERS  TO   CORRESPONDENTS.  309 

villainous  "  moral  statistics  ?"  Now,  I  don't  approve  of 
dissipation,  and  I  don't  indulge  in  it  either;  but  I  haven't 
a  particle  of  confidence  in  a  man  who  has  no  redeeming 
petty  vices,  and  so  I  don't  want  to  hear  from  you  any 
more.  I  think  you  are  the  very  same  man  who  read  me 
a  long  lecture  last  week  about  the  degrading  vice  of 
smoking  cigars,  and  then  came  back  in  my  absence,  with 
your  reprehensible  fire-proof  gloves  on,  and  carried  of? 
my  beautiful  parlour  stove. 

"  YOUNG  AUTHOR."  —  Yes,  Agassiz  does  recommend 
authors  to  eat  fish,  because  the  phosphorous  in  it  makes 
brains.  So  far  you  are  correct.  But  I  cannot  help  you 
to  a  decision  about  the  amount  you  need  to  eat — at  least, 
not  with  certainty.  If  the  specimen  composition  you 
send  is  about  your  fair  usual  average,  I  should  judge  that 
perhaps  a  couple  of  whales  would  be  all  you  would  want 
for  the  present.  Not  the  largest  kind,  but  simply  good, 
middling-sized  whales. 

"  SIMON  WHEELER,"  Sonora.  —  The  following  simple 
and  touching  remarks  and  accompanying  poem  have  just 
come  to  hand  from  the  rich  gold-mining  region  of 
Sonora : — 

To  Mr.  Mark  Twain:  The  within  parson,  which  I  have  set  to  poetry  un 
der  the  name  and  style  of  "He  Done  His  Level  Best,"  was  one  among  the 
whitest  men  I  ever  see,  and  it  an't  every  man  that  knowed  him  that  ca*i  find 
it  in  his  heart  to  say  he's  glad  the  poor  cuss  is  busted  and  gone  home  to 
the  States.  He  was  here  in  an  early  day,  and  he  was  the  handy est  man 
about  takin' holt  of  any  thing  that  come  along  you  most  ever  see,  I  judge. 
He  was  a  cheerful,  stirrin'  cretur  always  doin'  somethin',  and  no  man  can 
say  he  ever  sea  him  do  anything  by  halvers.  Preachin'  was  hi*  nateral 


310  SKETCHES  BY  MARK   TWAIN. 

gait,  but  he  warn't  a  man  to  lay  back  and  twidle  his  thumbs  because  there 
didn't  happen  to  be  nothin'  doin'  in  hie  own  especial  line — no,  sir,  he  was  a 
man  who  would  meander  forth  and  stir  up  something  for  hisself.  His  last 
acts  was  to  go  his  pile  on  "kings-emd"  (caiklatin'  to  fill,  but  which  he 
didn't  fill),  when  there  was  a  "  flush  "  out  agin  him,  and  naterally,  you  see, 
he  went  under.  And  so  he  was  cleaned  out,  as  you  may  say,  and  he  struck 
the  home-trail,  cheerful  but  flat  broke.  I  knowed  this  talonted  man  in 
Arkansaw,  and  if  you  would  print  this  humbly  tribute  to  his  gorgis  abilities, 
you  would  greatly  obleege  his  onhappy  friend. 

HE  DONE  HIS  LEVEL  BEST. 

Was  he  a  mining  on  the  flat — 

He  done  it  with  a  zest ; 
Was  he  a  leading  of  the  choir — 

He  done  his  level  best. 

If  he'd  a  reg'lar  task  to  do, 

He  never  took  no  rest ; 
Or  if  'twas  off-and-on — the  same — 

He  done  his  level  best. 

If  he  was  preachin'  on  his  beat, 

He'd  tramp  from  east  to  west, 
And  north  to  south — in  cold  and  heat 

He  done  his  level  best. 

He'd  yank  a  sinner  outen  (Hades).  * 

And  land  him  with  the  blest ; 
Then  snatch  a  prayer'n  waltz  in  again, 

And  do  his  level  best. 

He'd  cuss  and  sing  and  howl  and  pray, 

And  dance  and  drink  and  jest, 
And  lie  and  steal — all  one  to  him — 

He  done  his  level  best. 

Whate'er  this  man  was  sot  to  do, 

He  done  it  with  a  zest : 
No  matter  what  his  contract  was, 

HE'D  DO  HIS  LEVEL  BEST. 


*  Here  I  have  taken  a  slight  liberty  with  the  original  MS.  "Hades" 
does  not  make  such  good  {metre  as  the  other  word  of  one  syllable,  but  it 
sounds  better. 


ANSWERS   TO   CORRESPONDENTS.  oil 

Verily,  this  man  was  gifted  with  "  gorgis  abilities,"  and 
it  is  happiness  to  me  to  embalm  the  memory  of  their 
lustre  in  these  columns.  If  it  were  not  that  the  poet 
crop  is  unusually  large  and  rank  in  California  this  year  I 
would  encourage  you  to  continue  writing,  Simon  Wheeler ; 
but,  as  it  is,  perhaps  it  might  be  too  risky  in  you  to  enter 
against  so  much  opposition. 

"  PROFESSIONAL  BEGGAR." — No ;  you  are  not  obliged  to 
take  greenbacks  at  par. 

"  MELTON  MOWBRAY,"  *  Dutch  Flat — This  correspon 
dent  sends  a  lot  of  doggerel,  and  says  it  has  been  regard 
ed  as  very  good  in  Dutch  Flat.  I  give  a  specimen 

verse : — 

"The  Assyrian  came  down  like  a  wolf  on  the  fold, 
And  his  cohorts  were  gleaming  with  purple  and  gold ; 
And  the  sheen  of  his  spears  was  like  stars  on  the  sea  ; 
When  the  blue  wave  rolls  nightly  on  deep  Galilee." 

There,  that  will  do.  That  may  be  very  good  Dutch 
Flat  poetry,  but  it  won't  do  in  the  metropolis.  It  is  too 
smooth  and  blubbery ;  it  reads  like  buttermilk  gurgling 
from  a  jug.  What  the  people  ought  to  have  is  something 
spirited— something  like  "Johnny  Comes  Marching  Home." 
However,  keep  on  practising,  and  you  may  succeed  yet. 
There  is  genius  in  you,  but  too  much  blubber. 

*  This  piece  of  pleasantry,  published  in  a  San  Francisco  paper,  was  mis 
taken  bv  the  country  journals  for  seriousness,  and  many  and  loud  were  the 
denunciations  of  the  ignorance  of  author  and  editor,  in  not  knowing  that 
the  lines  in  question  were  "  written  by  Byron." 


312  SKETCHES   BY   MARK   TWAIJN. 

"ST.  CLAIB  HIGGINS,"  Los  Angeles.— "My  life  is  a  failure ;  I  have  adored, 
wildly,  madly  and  she  whom  I  love  has  turned  coldly  from  me  and  shed  her 
Sections  upon  another.     What  would  you  advise  me  to  do?  " 

You  should  set  your  affections  on  another  also — or  on 
jveral,  if  there  are  enough  to  go  round.  Also,  do  every 
thing  you  can  to  make  your  former  flame  unhappy. 
There  is  an  absurd  idea  disseminated  in  novels,  that  the 
happier  a  girl  is  with  another  man,  the  happier  it  makes 
the  old  lover  she  has  blighted.  Don't  allow  yourself  to 
believe  any  such  nonsense  as  that.  The  more  cause  that 
girl  finds  to  regret  that  she  did  not  marry  you,  the  more 
comfortable  you  will  feel  over  it.  It  isn't  poetical,  but  it 
is  mighty  sound  doctrine. 

"AKiTHMETicus."  Virginia,  Nevada. — "  If  it  would  take  a  cannon  ball 
3  1-3  seconds  to  travel  four  miles,  and  33-8  seconds  to  travel  the  next  four, 
and  3  5-8  to  travel  the  next  four,  and  if  its  rate  of  progress  continued  to 
diminish  in  the  same  ratio,  how  long  would  it  take  it  to  go  fifteen  hundred 
millions  of  miles  ? 

I  don't  know. 

"AMBITIOUS  LEARNER,"  Oakland. — Yes;  you  are  right 
— America  was  not  discovered  by  Alexander  Selkirk. 

"DISCARDED  LOVER."—" I  loved,  and  still  love,  the  beautiful  Edwitha 
Howard,  and  intended  to  marry  her.  Yet,  during  my  temporary  absence 
at  Benicia,  last  week,  alas !  she  married  Jones.  Is  my  happiness  to  be  thus 
blasted  for  life  ?  Have  I  no  redress?  " 

Of  course  you  have.  All  the  law,  written  and  unwrit 
ten,  is  on  your  side.  The  intention  and  not  the  act  con 
stitutes  crime — in  other  words,  constitutes  the  deed.  If 
you  call  your  bosom  friend  a  fool,  and  intend  it  for  an 
insult,  it  is  an  insult ;  but  if  you  do  it  playfully,  and 


ANSWERS   TO    CORRESPONDENTS.  313 

meaning  no  insult,  it  is  not  an  insult.  If  you  discharge 
a  pistol  accidentally,  and  kill  a  man,  you  can  go  free,  for 
you  have  done  no  murder  ;  but  if  you  try  to  kill  a  man, 
and  manifestly  intend  to  kill  him,  but  fail  utterly  to  do 
it,  the  law  still  holds  that  the  intention  constituted  the 
crime,  and  you  are  guilty  of  murder.  Ergo,  if  you  had 
married  Edwitha  accidentally,  and  without  really  intend 
ing  to  do  it,  you  would  not  actually  be  married  to  her  at 
all,  because  the  act  of  marriage  could  not  be  complete 
without  the  intention.  And  ergo,  in  the  strict  spirit  of 
the  law,  since  you  deliberately  intended  to  marry  Ed 
witha,  and  dtUn't  do  it,  you  are  married  to  her  all  the 
same — because,  as  I  said  before,  the  intention  consti 
tutes  the  crime.  It  is  as  clear  as  day  that  Edwitha  is 
your  wife,  and  your  redress  lies  in  taking  a  club  and 
mutilating  Jones  with  it  as  much  as  you  can.  Any  man 
has  a  right  to  protect  his  own  wife  from  the  advances  of 
other  men.  But  yon  have  another  alternative — you  were 
married  to  Edwitha^/trs^  because  of  your  deliberate  in 
tention,  and  now  you  can  prosecute  her  for  bigamy,  in 
subsequently  marrying  Jones.  But  there  is  another 
phase  in  this  complicated  case  :  You  intended  to  marry 
Edwitha,  and  consequently,  according  to  law,  she  is  your 
wife — there  is  no  getting  around  that;  but  she  didn't 
marry  you,  and  it  she  never  intended  to  marry  you,  you 
are  not  her  husband,  of  course.  Ergo,  in  marrying 
Jones,  she  was  guilty  of  bigamy,  because  she  was  the 
wife  of  another  man  at  the  time  ;  which  is  all  very  well 
as  far  as  it  goes — but  then,  don't  you  see,  she  had  ao 


SKETCHES   BY    MA  UK   TWAIN. 

other  husband  when  she  married  Jones,  and,  consequent 
ly  she  was  not  guilty  ol  bigamy.  Now,  according  to  this 
view  of  the  case,  Jones  married  a  spinster,  who  was  a 
widow  at  the  same  time  and  another  man's  wife  at  the 
same  time,  and  yet  who  had  no  husband  and  never  had 
one,  and  never  had  any  intention  of  getting  married,  and 
therefore,  of  course,  never  had  been  married  ;  and  by 
the  same  reasoning  you  are  a  bachelor,  because  you  have 
never  been  any  one's  husband  ;  and  a  married  man,  be 
cause  you  have  a  wife  living  ;  and  to  all  intents  and  pur 
poses  a  widower,  because  you  have  been  deprived  of  that 
wife  ;  and  a  consummate  ass  for  going  off  to  Benicia  in 
the  first  place,  while  things  were  so  mixed.  And  by 
this  time  I  have  got  myself  so  tangled  up  in  the  intrica 
cies  of  this  extraordinary  case  that  I  shall  have  to  give 
up  any  further  attempt  to  advise  you — I  might  get  con 
fused  arid  fail  to  make  myself  understood.  I  think  I 
could  take  up  the  argument  where  I  left  off,  and  by  fol 
lowing  it  closely  awhile,  perhaps  I  could  prove  to  your 
satisfaction,  either  that  you  never  existed  at  all,  or  that 
you  are  dead  now,  and  consequently  don't  need  the  faith 
less  Edwitha — I  think  I  could  do  that,  if  it  would  afforc 
you  any  comfort. 

"  ARTHUR  AUGUSTUS." — No  ;  you  are  wrong  ;  that  is 
the  proper. way  to  throw  a  brickbat  or  a  tomahawk  ;  but 
it  doesn't  answer  so  well  for  a  bouquet  ;  you  will  hurt 
somebody  if  you  keep  it  up.  Turn  your  nosegay  upside 
down,  take  it  by  the  stems,  and  toss  it  with  an  upward 


ANSWERS   TO    CORRESPONDENTS.  315 

sweep.  Did  you  ever  pitch  quoits  ?  that  is  the  idon. 
The  practice  of  recklessly  heaving  immense  solid  bouquets, 
of  the  general  size  and  weight  of  prize  cabbages,  from 
the  dizzy  altitude  of  the  galleries,  is  dangerous  and  very 
reprehensible.  Now,  night  before  last,  at  the  Academy 
of  Music,  just  after  Signorina had  finished  that  ex 
quisite  melody,  "  The  Last  "Rose  of  Summer,"  one  of  these 
floral  pile-drivers  came  cleaving  down  through  the  at 
mosphere  of  applause,  and  if  she  hadn't  deployed  sud 
denly  to  the  right,  it  would  have  driven  her  into  the  floor 
like  a  shingle-nail.  Of  course  that  bouquet  was  well 
meant ;  but  how  would  you  like  to  have  been  the  target  ? 
A  sincere  compliment  is  always  grateful  to  a  lady,  so  long 
as  you  don't  try  to  knock  her  down  with  it. 

"  YOUNG  MOTHER." — And  so  you  think  a  baby  is  a 
thing  of  beauty  and  a  joy  forever  ?  Well,  the  idea  is 
pleasing,  but  not  original  ;  every  cow  thinks  the  same 
of  its  own  calf.  Perhaps  the  cow  may  not  think  it  so 
elegantly,  but  still  she  thinks  it  nevertheless.  I  honour 
the  cow  for  it.  We  all  honour  this  touching  maternal 
instinct  wherever  we  find  it,  be  it  in  the  home  of  luxury 
or  in  the  humble  cow-shed.  But  really,  madam,  when  I 
come  to  examine  the  matter  in  all  its  bearings,  I  find 
that  the  correctness  of  your  assertion  does  not  assert  it 
self  in  all  cases.  A  soiled  baby,  with  a  neglected  nose, 
cannot  be  conscientiously  regarded  as  a  thing  of  beauty  ; 
and  inasmuch  as  babyhood  spans  but  three  short  years, 
no  baby  is  competent  to  be  a  joy  "forever."  It  pains  me 


316  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

thus  to  demolish  two-thirds  of  your  pretty  sentiments  in 
a  single  sentence ;  but  the  position  I  hold  in  this  chair 
requires  that  I  shall  not  permit  you  to  deceive  and  mis 
lead  the  public  with  your  plausible  figures  of  speech.  I 
know  a  female  baby,  aged  eighteen  months,  in  this  city, 
which  cannot  hold  out  as  a  "joy"  twenty- four  hours  on  a 
stretch,  let  alone  "  forever."  And  it  possesses  some  of 
the  most  remarkable  eccentricities  of  character  and  ap 
petite  that  have  ever  fallen  under  my  notice.  I  will  set 
down  here  a  statement  of  this  infant's  operations  (con 
ceived,  planned,  and  carried  out  by  itself,  and  without 
suggestion  or  assistance  from  its  mother  or  any  one  else), 
during  a  single  day  ;  and  what  I  shall  say  can  be  sub 
stantiated  by  the  sworn  testimony  of  witnesses. 

It  commenced  by  eating  one  dozen  large  blue-mass 
pills,  box  and  all  ;  then  it  fell  down  a  flight  of  stairs,  and 
rose  with  a  blue  and  purple  knot  on  its  forehead,  after 
which  it  proceeded  in  quest  of  further  refreshment  and 
amusement.  It  found  .'  glass  trinket  ornamented  with 
brass-work — smashed  up  and  ate  the  glass,  and  then 
swallowed  the  brass  Then  it  drank  about  twenty  drops 
of  laudanum,  and  more  than  a  dozen  tablespoonsf  ul  of 
strong  spirits  of  camphor.  The  reason  why  it  took  no 
more  laudanum  was  because  there  was  no  more  to  take. 
After  this  it  lay  down  on  its  back,  and  shoved  five  or  six 
inches  of  a  silver-headed  whale-bone  cane  down  its  throat ; 
got  it  fast  there,  and  it  was  all  its  mother  could  do  to  pull 
the  cane  out  again,  without  pulling  out  some  of  the  child 
with  it  Then  being  hungry  for  glass  again,  it  broke  up 


NSWEilS   TO   CORRESPONDENTS.  SI 7 

several  wine-glasses,  and  fell  to  eating  and  swallowing 
the  fragments,  not  minding  a  cut  or  two.  Then  it  ate  a 
quantity  of  butter,  pepper,  salt,  and  California  matches, 
actually  taking  a  spoonful  of  butter,  a  spoonful  of  salt,  a 
spoonful  of  pepper,  and  three  or  four  lucifer  matches  at 
each  mouthful.  (I  will  remark  here  that  this  thing  of 
beauty  likes  painted  German  lucif  ers,  and  eats  all  she  can 
get  of  them ;  but  she  prefers  California  matches,  which  I 
regard  as  a  compliment  to  our  home  manufactures  of 
more  than  ordinary  value,  coming,  as  it  does,  from  one 
who  is  too  young  to  flatter.)  Then  she  washed  her  head 
with  soap  and  water,  and  afterwards  ate  what  soap  was 
left,  and  drank  as  much  of  the  suds  as  she  had  room  for; 
after  which  she  sallied  forth  and  took  the  cow  familiarly 
by  the  tail,  and  got  kicked  heels  over  head.  At  odd 
times  during  the  day,  when  this  joy  for  ever  happened  to 
have  nothing  particular  on  hand,  she  put  in  the  time  by 
climbing  up  on  places,  and  falling  down  off  them,  uni 
formly  damaging  herself  in  the  operation.  As  young  as 
she  is  she  speaks  many  words  tolerably  distinctly ;  and 
being  plain  spoken  in  other  respects,  blunt  and  to  the 
point,  she  opens  conversation  with  all  strangers,  male  or 
female,  with  the  same  formula,  "How  do,  Jim?"  Not 
being  familiar  with  the  ways  of  children,  it  is  possible 
that  I  have  been  magnifying  into  matter  of  surprise 
things  which  may  not  strike  any  one  who  is  familiar  with 
infancy  as  being  at  all  astonishing.  However,  I  cannot 
believe  that  such  is  the  case,  and  so  I  repeat  that  my  re 
port  of  this  baby's  performances  is  strictly  true  j  and  it' 


318  SKETCHES  BY  MARK  TWAIN. 

any  one  doubts  it,  (  can  produce  the  child.  I  will  fur 
ther  engage  that  she  will  devour  anything  that  is  given 
her  (reserving  to  myself  only  the  right  to  exclude  anvils), 
and  fall  down  from  anyplace  to  which  she  may  be  elevat 
ed  (  merely  stipulating  that  her  preference  for  alighting 
^n  her  head  shall  be  respected,  and,  therefore,  that  the 
elevation  chosen  shall  be  high  enough  to  enable  her  to 
accomplish  this  to  her  satisfaction.)  But  I  find  I  have 
wandered  from  my  subject;  so,  without  further  argument 
I  will  reiterate  my  conviction  that  not  all  babies  are 
things  of  beauty  and  joys  forever. 

"  ARTTmrETicus, "  Virginia,  Nevada. — "I  am  an  enthusiastic  student  of 
mathematics,  and  it  is  so  vexatious  to  me  to  find  my  progress  constantly  im- 
i>eded  by  these  mysterious  arithmetical  technicalities.  Now  do  tell  me 
what  the  difference  is  between  geometry  and  conchology  ?  " 

Here  you  come  again  with  your  arithmetical  conun 
drums,  when  I  am  suffering  death  with  a  cold  in  the 
head.  If  you  could  have  seen  the  expression  of  scorn  that 
darkened  my  countenance  a  moment  ago,  and  was  instant 
ly  split  from  the  centre  in  every  direction  like  a  fractured 
looking-glass  by  my  last  sneeze,  you  never  would  have 
written  that  disgraceful  question.  Conchology  is  a 
science  which  has  nothing  to  do  with  mathematics :  it 
relates  only  to  shells.  At  the  same  time,  however,  a  man 
who  opens  oysters  for  a  hotel,  or  shells  a  fortified  town, 
or  sucks  eggs,  is  not,  strictly  speaking,  a  conchologist — a 
fine  stroke  of  sarcasm  that,  but  it  will  be  lost  on  such  an 
unintellectual  clam  as  you.  Now  compare  conchology 
and  geometry  together,  and  you  will  see  what  the  differ-. 


ANSWERS  TO  COHRESPON  DENTS.         319 

ence  is,  and  your  question  will  be  answered.  But  don't 
torture  me  with  any  more  arithmetical  horrors  until  you 
know  I  am  rid  of  my  cold.  I  feel  the  bitterest  animosity 
towards  you  at  this  moment — bothering  me  in  this  way, 
when  I  can  do  nothing  but  sneeze  and  rage  and  snort 
pocket-handkerchiefs  to  atoms.  If  I  had  you  in  range  of 
my  nose,  now,  I  would  blow  your  brains  out. 


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